My WW is the most repentant person, but not a day goes by that I don't question giving it all up and starting over w/ someone else.(granted its only been 4 months) I just feel like I'll always look at her and see someone I really do not know and who is an adultress. She has changed so much through all of this. She was a christian lady, very naive, well respected by my friends, family, and my son. She has fallen from that pedastal so hard/fast, it seems she is a mere shadow of her formal self. That takes me back to my question, what if the A did so much damage to WW that they are not who you fell in love w/ in the first place? Did anyone else's WS change so drastically? She cusses now. Seems mean at times to the kids when she used to be so sweet. I think she has such low regard for herself its making her in to a monster or something as she's looking at living w/ this for the next 50 some odd years. Thats got to be a real A$$KICK!!

I can't say I know the answer to the question you're asking as my Wstbx never came back. However, I detect a couple of things that you might want to think about.

1.
Putting someone on a pedestal is something YOU do to THEM (as in an action you can take control of yourself). It is never wise to put someone on a pedestal. Chances are, she never truly was how you envisioned her up there. It's a setup for disappointment - A or no A.

2.
She quite likely has self esteem issues. While these are HER issues, there are ways you can help her to deal with them. It probably wouldn't hurt for her to seek counselling.

Dude,

It sounds like she's prolonging forgiving herself. If you want a part of your old W back, you should encourage that. Otherwise, her resentment for what has happened could turn into despair that the pain will never leave and could ultimately harm your Recovery.

If she's a Christian lady as you have stated, she should know that the Atonement of Christ is for everyone, even the sinners, that want to be forgiven. She needs to do some personal work on her repentance process and forgiving herself. IMHO.

Cursing and doing things that are dark and not Christlike will keep her in a place that is not going to sustain your Recovery. Satan has a much greater grasp on those that are not seeking Christ. I only mention all of this because you said she is a Christian Lady. Not trying to speak out of turn. Again, IMHO.

I hope she forgives herself and becomes whole within herself again so that you can have a better M and a better W.

Good luck and God Bless!

Dude:

I know you commented on one of my replies in another thread. You mentioned that our wives sounded alike. What led to my WW's A was my failure to meet her emotional needs. I know failing to meet EN's causes A's but it does not justify it. While her EN's were not being met, all of mine WERE. She gave me everything I could have wanted.

I always felt if I became a BH, I would toss her out. NO EXCUSE for an A. After D-day, I tried like crazy to hate her. Massive LB's with three very serious blow outs. I looked forward to finding someone new. That hate lasted 15 - 30 minutes. I am unable to stop loving her. I feel like I love her more now than I ever have. I believe the A only lasted 20 - 40 days and it is over though I have taken steps to monitor things.

That being said, you need to ask yourself "do you still really love your wife"? If the answer is yes, you need to Plan A like gangbusters.

Marriages have become disposable in this day and age. It is easier to start over than try to pull it out of a nose dive. If you love your wife, do everything you can to make it work.

Good Luck!

I am glad to hear u and your W are in recovery. You say it has been a few months and well.... true recovery takes longer than the A in most cases.

Why? Because the A was the tip of the issues, the one that brought it all to a head.

Recovery deals with the cause which is lying deep below the relationship surface.

As previously mentioned, your W needs to recover herself 1st, this means she needs to acknowledge her goof up and make a plan to move forward (not stay stuck in the Xws mode).

Then later she can help your R by helping both of you recover.

As a BS you have already helped her by allowing back into the family. As an Xws she must take the next step and move forward so she can EARN back her title as wife and mother.

Trust this is a big hurdle for many an Xws. Bad habits, very bad habits are connected with a WS. Cussing beyond belief is one of the common signs. My H did that and still has the lingering effects of a potty mouth.

If you notice even here @ MB, some who have a potty mouth still show they were once WS' themselves. It's one of the tell tale signs.

Given all that, what can or could you do? Know yourself (your personal and marital needs), know your boundaries, ask your W how she plans to help YOU recover and together work on recovery for each other. Develop a recovery plan. It is often recommended to work with a good MC. If you use MB, Jennifer is good.

Know that this will take a while and learn that both of you can't push it more than your mind and heart can handle.

My motto is to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Make an agreement to work together and develop good communication skills. This is key to any recovery.

Know you must each recover individually and then together as a couple. Tackle issues together. Develop a way to bring issues to each other's attention both big and little ones.

For our R, I open it by saying: 'Hi hon, can I ask you a question?' Then I wait for his response. Depending on his response, I decide whether to ask or not. See this is one of the times where patience comes in.

Hope this helps.

Orchid