After almost 4 years of marriage and after recovering from a one night stand that happened before we got married we have now hit another bump in the road.

I accidentally stumbled upon some emails in an old account of my husband's that I thought was inactive. He had created an account on Facebook and asked me to edit all of his info. I had to verify his email, so I logged in only to find out that he had signed up for about 4 accounts on those sex sites. You know, the ones where you make a profile to meet others to have an affair or get laid?

Anyway, I went to each of the sites and printed out EVERYTHING! His profiles, messages, everything. I called him (he was at work) and asked him how many women he had f*cked. He immediately said no one. We were arguing and he hung up to come home.

When he got home I went over all of the profiles with him in detail. He says the only reason he ever signed up for them was because it gave him access to free porn to look at. The 1st one had been made in December of last year and hadn't been in use since shortly after signing up. The 2nd had been made in April of this year and he had talked to 1 woman and mentioned meeting up with her, but after a couple of back & forth responses nothing ever happened. He claims that he never really wanted to meet up with her, that he just wanted to get the gratification of knowing that he was still attractive and that he was still desirable. The last 2 were recent, made within the last week or so. He never contacted anyone on there, but had sent what you call "winks" at a few women. No messages sent to anyone, no replies to messages sent to him. So there is absolutely NO evidence that he did anything with anyone.

He claimed that he joined the 1st one because we were having issues while his mother lived with us temporarily. I'll admit it was hectic, but I never knew it was that badly effecting him. But he only used it a few times and just for the free porn.

As for the other 3, I found out I was pregnant in February. Shortly thereafter my sex drive (which had been phenomenal up until then) SEVERELY plummeted. I have had absolutely no desire for sex, or even intimate contact (kisses, hugs, cuddling, etc) in several months. We rarely have sex anymore. He said that he could deal with the lack of sex. But it was the intimacy that he craved... The kisses, the cuddling, just being close to one another and sharing affection. So being afraid to come to me and tell me that he needed more, he says he made those accounts because he was feeling unwanted and just needed to know that he was still attractive & desirable.

Now, he swears up and down that he NEVER met up with anyone or even talked to anyone from any of the sites (with the exception of the short & uneventful conversation with the one lady from the 2nd site). And that seems like the truth because all of his time has either been at work or with me and my son at home. All of his overtime is accounted for in his paychecks and he never goes off by himself except maybe to pick something up from the store. So I'm TRYING to believe everything he says to me when he says he has been faithful, but there's still that nagging questioning. And since he can't prove to me that he never actually did anything, I have to try and believe that.

He said that he was going to delete all of the accounts in a day or 2 because he was feeling guilty about having made them. And that he was goin gto come talk to me about his need for intimacy.

We've talked it over and over and over. He has deleted all of the accounts (with me present to see) of his own will. He even deleted the email account he had used. He's agreed to leave the history on the computer alone to prove to me that he will not do it again. He's desperate for me to believe him and wants to prove that I have no reason to distrust him in the future. He has called a marriage counselor (his idea again) and we are going to set up counseling soon. He's even actively looking for exercises to build trust and get the intimacy back that we are lacking. He's trying sooo hard to do whatever he can to save our marriage and family and I can see that he is upset and scared he will lose me.

I want so desperately to save our marriage. I love this man so much and we have been through so many things. We have made it successfully and happily through all of the hurdles that have happened so far and I want to make it through this one. I don't want our marriage to be over. I don't want to lose this man that I've been with for over 4 years now, who I share a son with and will soon share a daughter with.

I know that was long, but I really needed to get it out. I've been holding it in these past couple of days because I haven't been ready to talk about it to any close friends.

Anyway, any words of advice? Suggestions for us to get things back on track? Advice on how to rebuild the intimacy that I have no desire for with this pregnancy?

Thanks for taking the time to read this...

Amy,
Sorry you are back under such dire circumstances. Have you filled out the EN questionnaire recently? It might do both of you some good to be aware again of what each others needs are. Obviously, he has a need for Affection. I suggest that you meet that need so that you are the one he is turning to and you are filling his love bank.

I would be very cautious with this and continue to check. Usually when I hear about porn and sex sites and talking to OW, I think sex addict. Perhaps he is telling the truth about wanting the "attention" high that you get from it.

HOWEVER.... his behavior is COMPLETELY inappropriate and COMPLETELY unacceptable in your M. AND regardless of what he feels like he wasn't getting from you, he had NO RIGHT to take it outside the M.

Freshen up on the Surviving An Affair concepts. No email accounts that you aren't aware of, passwords to you, radical honesty, fully accountable for his day, etc.

If SF is on his list as well, you need to consider other ways that you can meet that need so that you are not blindsided by this again.

I do hope that he is repentant and will stay away from this stuff, but you have to be smart about it. Install a keylogger for your own peace of mind.

Good luck!

We are going to fill out the EN questionnaire very soon and several other things similar to it. We are doing everything we can to rebuild what has been lost. In fact, he is the one that got me back to this site saying that we needed to go over it again and work on things since it helped with the past indiscretion. I'm at a loss as how to fulfill his intimacy needs though. I am normally very affectionate, but this pregnancy and the crazy hormone rollercoaster caused by it has thrown me for a loop and I literally have to force myself to do the things he wants and craves. And he has repeated over and over to me that he doesn't want me to force myself to those things.

He has profusely apologized for handling things the way he did and knows that he chose the wrong road to go down. He has agreed to full disclosure on everything... And this means telling me his needs even when he is afraid of my response (which apparently is what caused this whole situation). Since this has all happened he has been more open about things and has vowed to talk to me about everything going on. I have all of his passwords and email accounts also and permission to view anything and everything whenever I want. He desperately wants to prove to me that he will never do this again and wants to make the most of our marriage.

Question though... as far as the key logger in concerned, I know it would bring me peace of mind, but would it really be a good idea? We are trying to work on honesty and I don't think it'd go over well if after all of this talk of honesty, he finds out that I installed a key logger. You know what I mean?

I do see your point about being honest. There is a fine line when you are suspecting poor behavior or infidelity. If you feel like you are getting full disclosure, perhaps wait on that. But go with your gut instincts if you think that he is hiding anything from you. My FWH and I discussed the keylogger as a way for me to "confirm" that he was "clean". Just keep that in mind for down the road.

Have you discussed the hormone issue with your doctor? Maybe there is something that can be done to assist you medically while you are pregnant. Otherwise, you really need to "just do it". If it's his #1 EN and you know that you love him and otherwise would be doing this, find ways to fulfill the need while you are pregnant. Once you have the baby, address the issue again with your doctor if those feelings don't come back.

It is possible too that you will feel the desire to perform this way for him once he is reconnected with you 100%. You may have subconsciously disconnected from him not even realizing that your inner knowing knew that something was wrong based on his energy/behavior towards you. Hope that makes sense!

I haven't discussed it yet with my OB, but after all of this coming to light I think I am going to mention it. My next appointment is coming up shortly, so I'll talk it over with my husband and do some research on my options in the meantime.

Counsel with the Harleys.

In the interim give him all the SF you can handle.

Trust me, some of us have it worse :-)

While it may not be as bad as what others are going through it is still having a severely negative impact on us and is still placing my marriage on the chopping blocks. Others may not see it as cheating, but I do. My husband knows that he cheated on me. And because of the cheating we are where we are now. My situation isn't any less painful on this side of the screen. I'm still hurt and betrayed too. I'm sorry that others situations are "worse" than mine, but that doesn't mean that mine should be lessened either.

Amy,

I'm sure Mike's comment was just to give you a little "hope", per se. There are some TRAGIC situations on this board. Does not mean that any of our pain is lessened, but at times it does help (for me anyway) to see that I'm not alone and that someone always has it worse. However, I would never wish this on anyone else.

You are right in how you feel and he was unfaithful and has to be accountable for that.

When is your next doctor's appt? How did WH feel about discussing this with your OB?

Have things improved with SF?

How are you feeling?

Amy,
The keylogger IS a good idea. You need to protect yourself. My husband has the same issues with those adult sites. It's hurtful. He promised my three years ago tha he would never be on those sites again. He always erased his browsing history so I had no idea that he was still crusing those sites. I put the keylogger on our computer when I suspected that he as having an A. It was someone he met on one of those sites. It was just to 'talk' to someone new. That lead to an EA and then progressed to the actual PA. I am not saying that will be the way your H chooses to go...But...you need to protect yourself. Forewarned is forearmed. I am all for being able to get as much info as possible so that they can be confronte with their lies as soon as they speak them. Remember, you can never give away the source of your information. He will only find a way around it.

This Wednesday. We talked it over and he said that he didn't want me to look into medication to "fix" this because he didn't want to hurt our baby. He said that he would rather wait it out (the lack of affection & intimacy caused by pg hormones) and deal & work with our issues head on that doing something to temporarily make things better in the interim.

There's been no sex. He understands that I'm still feeling betrayed and doesn't want to push me before I'm ready. He said that he would rather have the kisses, hugs, cuddling, and other parts of intimacy rather than the sex. The sex would just be an extra but he doesn't expect it at all. So we have decided to work on bonding ourselves to one another. We have somehow let ourselves become more "me & him" than "us" like we used to be and we are realizing the effect that that has had on us slowly over the past year or so. So for now (at least until we start MC) we are focusing on bringing us back together. So far it has worked well. There's been no miracles, but something as simple as taking our son to the zoo or utilizing our son's naptime to actively spend time together has already started bonding us again. We are talking about more. We are relearning to become the "us" we used to be. It's quite refreshing if I may say so myself. I like it. I really think that if we can keep the lines of communication open in all areas of our life that we will be able to make it through... And that we will be able to form a more intimate bond that will lead up to what he needs more (the affection). So far it's working (I cuddled with him of my own will last night) and I hope it stays that way.

As for how I'm feeling, I guess okay. I can honestly say that I believe him when he says that nothing more happened. Logically and with my gut/heart. But I'm still having my wavering moments where I wonder (about if more happened or if this will happen again). I know they'll never go away. I'm doing all I can to work on this. At the same time I'm taking my own precautions to make sure that I'm not blindsided later on. But thank god those wavering moments are in the minority. The rest of the time I feel really lifted by the way my husband is taking accountability and actively trying to do what he can to help me through this. I'm pretty sure I've got a lot more "bad" days to come, but I have hope. I don't feel as if this is it. I'm not dreading tomorrow. Now I'm just anxiously awaiting to start MC. We're waiting until my husband's overtime is decreased since it's hard to find the time to schedule an appt when he only has 9 hours in the day away from work and 7 of those hours are spent sleeping. He was a bit upset about not being able to start right away, but there's not much we can do about it since he's saving up all of his vacation time to take paternity leave after the baby gets here in in a few weeks. 2 weeks until the overtime is over...

Hopefully next few posts will be this good, lol. I guess only time will tell...

Amy,

It sounds like you have a good action plan in place. Did you take the ENQ and how did that turn out?

I'm guessing that as your needs are getting met, his need for affection from you is coming easier.

Have healthy skepticism about whether he is acting out or not, just to be safe and not put yourself in a situation where you have to fall hard. As he continues to show you through his actions, you will feel better and better.

Good luck!

We've both taken it, but have yet been able to find the time to sit down and discuss it thoroughly like we feel we need to. I hate when he works overtime all week *sigh* It's so hard to squeeze in time to do anything. But we have discussed the big things we need from each other (him-affection, me-openness & companionship) and how to provide that for one another right now.