Is it typical for a WS to become suspicious of BS when R is going good? My H was kind of suspicious of me going to lunch with a friend today and I found that to be odd because our R is going really well.

G

Hmmmm, during my A I hoped my H would have an A so we'd be even. It's the sort of thinking a wayward person has. He actually was having an EA of sorts but denies it vehemently.

It's also a mindset that "everyone" is like you (the wayward person) and is just as susceptible to an A.

It's also the fear that you're tempted to have a revenge A.

can't answer for everyone but I was hyper jealous of any contact my DH had with ANY woman outside our home.
I suspect it was fear of loosing him because of my own actions.

Funny NOW ... I can laugh at myself these days. :crosseyedcrazy:

I would guess its the same with your H .. I assume you are on the road to recovering? well hope you both are

Thank you for posts here. Our recovery is going great. I've learned at MB that some things we've gone through (like my past thought of a RA ) are typical when recovering. I was wondering if this is another one of those things that is part of recovery. Based your posts here it seems like it makes sense for a WS to be fearful that the BS could do something. Thanks.

G

w/out a doubt, my WW is super jealous of me(BS), but I had a revenge affair so she damn sure should be. I also moved out to my own apt so she always thinks I'm up to no good. In reality, I'm way too emotionally drained to even think of another relationship right now. I guess she thinks all men are the same. She'd be wrong.

PS - The RA doesn't work as an equalizer. I thought it would.

WS are a suspicious bunch because that is how they got t/b WS' in the 1st place.

Given that type of attitude, learn the skills to cope. It will take a lot on your part so make sure you know your personal and marital boundaries well. Only then can you be properly equipped to handle the onslaught of the WS.

I use a simple technique I call.... reverse babble. It allowed me to give back the WS their own guilt and garbage. You can search on that term and see how others have used it successfully.

Hope this helps!

Take care,
Orchid

So do I understand that my WS is going to continue to be suspicious? Will this go away? What other onslaught am I to expect?

Someone who is dishonest thinks everyone is dishonest. Some one who steals locks everything up because the don't want to be robbed.

So it only makes sense to me that someone who cheats on their spouse thinks the worst as well.

After my wife moved out I borrowed a female co-workers truck one weekend. As soon as my wife saw it in my driveway she called for some lame reason and tried to casually ask whose truck was in my driveway. It was real obvious that she suspected the worse. As a matter of fact... in a sick way she was probably hoping it was true so she could justify her own actions.

Yes, expect the WS t/b suspicious. When she is your W, she shouldn't be suspicious.

Now this you can use to your BS' advantage. When she acts suspicious, let her explain to you why she is suspicious. She will try to get you to do the explanation but don't do it. Then tell her your real wife would know better. That's reverse babble.

What else to expect? More confusion, frustration and garbage.

That is why it is important for you to identify your personal and marital boundaries, then enforce them. That way there is no confusion on your part and less stress for you.

Let the WS stress. Be concerned about your W not when she is a WS. Expect the WS to blame you and make you feel guilty about the WS' actions. Also expect the WS to test your patience. When you know yourself and your limits you will know what not to put up with.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs?

Orchid

I already experienced this a year ago after Dday but not since then in R. Yes, we did the EN early on and have been really good about undersanding and knowing each other's needs. Like I said our recovery has been great so far. I was thrown off with the suspician almost a year after Dday.

G

Just curious, was this friend you had lunch with a man or woman?

A woman and my H knows her. He called me after I had lunch with her to ask again who I had lunch with and asked where we went.

G

People instinctively suspect other people of things they are guilty of, or have considered doing themselves. It can even be a tip-off as to what they have done or considered doing. So yeah, I can see how a WS would be suspicious of a BS.

I’m a FWW who had an inappropriate online friendship that turned into EA a few years ago.

I always trusted my H and never thought he would willfully have an A, by after my EA, I am “sensitized” to A’s and was afraid my H would unwittingly develop the same inappropriate feelings/attraction towards an opposite sex friend (the same way I developed towards XOM). The fear stemmed not from being suspicious of my H and/or not trusting him, but from the fear that “you reap what you sow” and that this might have been God’s way to punish me one day. This is not the way I feel anymore (because I know I’m forgiven by both God and my H), but I felt this way for a long time after my EA.

A few months ago some things happened that indicated that my H might have been involved in an A and posted about it on this forum. Some members immediately came to the conclusion that the things I posted was “evidence” of an A, but deep in my heart I knew it could not be true. I did not have a “gut feeling” that my H was involved in an A either. Even his behavior and responses towards me was not that of a wayward person in an A. However, I was still very concerned, anxious and confused because of the fears I described above. I’ve prayed about it a few times and especially after I’ve received some insightful and well-thought posts from a specific poster, I experienced calmness and peace about the matter and decided to give my H the benefit of the doubt. I did not make any final conclusions, but in stead I kept my eyes wide open for a while and investigated some things. I’m so glad I did…I never found anything else that was indicative of an A. I know if I would accuse my H of an A based on those 2 incidences alone, I would have done a lot of damage to myself, my H and our M.

Thank you. Your post was very insightful for me. I don't think my H believes I'm capable of A but he may fear, like you said, "you reap what you sow." I think also he knows I work in a department full of men and since he is "sensitized" to A he may think I may fall prey to it. So do I ignore him or comfort him that I wouldn't? I feel like I just ignore his suspician and let him work out his own feelings (like you did)?

I keep thinking about the title of your thread and wonder if maybe the principle of Radical Honesty would prevent this from becoming an issue.

Here's a quote from Dr. Harley:

CURRENT HONESTY

"In good marriages, couples become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. But in weak marriages, couples are reluctant to provide their schedules, because they are often engaged in an assortment of Love Busters. They may know that their spouses would object to their activities, so they tell themselves, What they don't know won't hurt them. They have what I call a "secret second life."

But there are many who really have nothing to hide; yet they feel the need for privacy. They are offended when their spouse asks where they've been or what they've done. They feel that their spouse should trust them, and not assume the worst.

I'm dead-set against privacy in marriage, because it creates an unnecessary barrier to problem solving. When you and your spouse married, two became one. That means that prior to marriage, you had no one but yourself to consider when you made choices, and now you have each other to consider. There should be no part of your life that is off limits to your spouse, because literally everything that either of you do will ultimately affect each other. Privacy breeds incompatibility because it represents a part of your life that is off limits to accommodation.

Even when activities are innocent, it's extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time. Be easy to check up on and find in an emergency. Give each other your daily schedules so you can communicate about how you spend your time. Since almost every thing you do will affect your spouse, it is important to explain what it is you do."

Ggirl, I expressed my fears to my H a few times in the past and his comfort always gave me some reassurance.

I think the saying that "there is no honor among thieves" pretty much sums up how I view this.

Also, a person that is committing a wrong finds comfort in believing that others are behaving just as bad as they are. Even if they are not, they use their suspicion to help allay some of their own guilt/or to shift the focus away from them.

Ggirl, probably because you’re working with a lot of men, it’s the men he don’t trust now since he behaved as an untrustworthy man without integrity himself while he was involved with the OW. He knows how the mind of a cheating man works.

In my case I’ve never acted on my feelings for the XOM in spite of numerous subtle attempts from his side to do so, but I behaved inappropriately in the sense that I allowed him to continue subtle flirting and joking towards me on e-mail and I kept it secret from my H. I also excluded my H from the friendship although my H knew we interacted on e-mail regularly. A few years after I’ve ended the inappropriate friendship, I had a 2 day relapse when XOM e-mailed me again and during that time I admitted/expressed the feelings of love I developed towards him in the past. This is the one biggest mistake I ever made because at that moment, I crossed boundaries into an EA. I immediately stopped the contact and informed my H.

Anyway, the fact that I have restrained myself from ever physically acting on my feelings in spite of very strong temptations to do so, opportunities I had to do so and attempts from XOM to lure me into something more, is probably also the reason I have never felt suspicious towards my H or felt I couldn’t trust him. Yes, I am afraid he might unwittingly develop the same attraction towards an opposite sex person one day, but I know he is a man of integrity and high morals and for that reason I trust he will be able as well to resist temptation should it ever cross his path. However, both me and my H has learned from my mistakes and the danger of close opposite sex friendships and for that reason we both keep strong and healthy boundaries with the opposite sex. As a FWW, I keep stronger and stricter boundaries than my H.

Maybe it will also help if you and your H can sit down one day and discuss what both of you have learned from his betrayal and ways both of you can protect yourselves in future. Maybe an open discussion like this will help ease his fears and anxieties. I know it did for me. As I’ve said yesterday, I also expressed my fears to my H a few times in the past and his comfort always gave me some reassurance.

Tst,

please post this to Flick, it relates to a topic of discussion we are having.

TIA
Lil