I've been reading everything I can find this past week. Besides learning a lot it's helping me get my mind off the pain and off of making calls that will only make my situation worse. Has anyone tried the ideas of reverse psychology or mental jujitsu to try and mend a broken relationship? Agreeing with whatever they say, being happy, dating others, not bringing up any past issues, etc... Anyone try it for a good enough time to know if it would work?

I'm thinking of trying this approach next time I talk to my boyfriend, although I think it would be hard. Your significant other knows you well enough to know what gets you ticking though and might know you are up to something, right? Even if you are saying things sometimes it's hard to control you emotions through your actions, in a way you are acting and pretending and will take alot of conscious thinking for me to try and do this. Being forward with him and pressuring him to talk and work things out sure isn't working, so I might as well try this, the exact opposite of what I've been doing.

I'd like some reassurance that this has worked for some people before I invest even more emotions and time in my relationship. It'll probably stop arguments, but will it really be enough to want them to come back to you?

Not sure what you mean about reverse psychology. Doing the reverse of something would imply that you know exactly what the other is thinking. I think this might be a dangerous approach in anything that you might approach in life. Seems a bit manupliative. I've learned through my own problems that I can only control myself, not what others think. If you want to try a different approach for the sake of doing it because nothing else working....I say go for it....what can it hurt? If we are unhappy with the current situation it certainly makes sense to me to shake things up a bit. I think honesty is the best approach when dealing with another party. Don't do things because they will control the actions of others....do things because they are the right (for you).

How does that fit in with Honesty and Openness, one of the key ingredients to a successful, happy, healthy marriage?

Have you read the basic concepts here yet? What you describe sounds a little bit like Plan A... except for a disturbing emphasis on manipulating the other person's behavior.

Another key component to the program here is to realize that you can only control yourself - you can't control the other person. There are tools here that you can learn that will increase the love you feel for each other, that will hopefully motivate your spouse to meet more of your needs; but you must realize that you can't MAKE him do so. To try is to fail.

Have you read about the Emotional Needs and the Love Busters?

I'm reading all over this site and reading everything else I can find online. I wish I read all this before things became the way they are today. I'm referring more to "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald.

We dated 3 years, got engaged, planned on getting married next year, lived together for 6 months and it all went down hill when we lived together.

Not so much manipulating him, more like I'm manipulating myself. My first natural instinct when I talk to him is "how are you doing, what have you been up to" and then it goes "i really miss you, can we try and talk things over to try and have another go" and it's all down hill from there with him hanging up on me and I'll get upset calling him a bunch of times, sending emails. I've gone through saying I'm sorry, I know my mistakes and won't do them again a second time around. Sent heartfelt emails, hand written letters..obviously this begging is the worst thing I could have done, but I didn't know any better.

Reverse psychology/mental jujitsu is agreeing with the breakup, agreeing with whatever they say (I can see how this could have saved ALOT of arguing). So you are denying yourself saying what you really feel. Agreeing with too much can lead into things being worse, agreeing with the breakup alone, and they can turn around and say it was a mutual agreement, so I don't think I will go that far with agreeing or just try to avoid saying anything. But if he says I did "such and such" to ruin the relationship, just agree with him and that's it..don't try to defend myself or argue he is wrong.

This guy was really a one of a kind and I feel we really had a connection that is hard to find in life. He broke it off with me because I was clingy, got jealous easily, and was depending on him too much. He said he just couldn't take it anymore because it was effecting his life and work. He was falling out of love with me because of it but said he still loved/cared about me. Doing all the begging really pushed him even further away. Now that I've had a few months by myself I realize I need to work on myself and of course if I had the information on this site and all that I've read I could of handled things better.

Can something like this be saved? He really liked me the first couple of years; he really went out of his way for me and would have done anything to make sure I was happy. I think a part of him still feels something but he's afraid of the same problems from before happening, he thinks I won't change. I think I'm looking for the right way to talk to him, because like I said almost every time I talk to him I bring up trying again, and that isn't working.

Well you've identified at least one major love buster, he doesn't like it when you are clingy. You want to do a complete 180 and be definitely un-clingy.

I wouldn't agree to a break-up if you don't want to. Don't be dishonest. Be honest that you want to work on yourself, to become a better person, and you hope that your relationship will survive and that he will be the one who you can share this new and better you with. But regardless of whether he sticks around or not, you might as well work on yourself to become this awesome person.

Do you have many friends, a support group, people you can talk to other than him? If he thinks you're too clingy, it would be good IMHO to show him that you "have a life" other than him. That is much more attractive anyway than begging and pleading in desperation and neediness.

Does any of that sound like it fits, like something you could do?

I don't have any close friends to really lean on, and the ones I casually talk to are tired of me talking about it and just say move on and find someone else. Reading and info online has become more my support.

Yes, I know having my own life and working on myself is the best thing to do whether I work things out with him or find someone else. He was such a great guy to me though, he is really one in a million and I want to do whatever I can to work it out with him.

Reading so much has actually helped. I thought saying how much I loved him and missed him would be how to get him to talk and work things out, but that's just being even more clingy and needy and pushing him more away. I have tried telling him I'm working on improving myself but he thinks I won't change...I think he is just so worn out from everything. Right now I'm letting him have some space and going to try out everything I read in a couple of weeks.

Yes, relationship talk would push him away. Even if you're just telling him how you are working to improve.

Here's a thread with a different situation, but it still has the advice to stop all relationship talk:
Another thread

You may want to check it out to get ideas for stopping the relationship talk.

If you are making changes, just make them, don't talk about them.

If you want to read a humorous explanation of how men view relationship talk, check out lildoggie's thread, one of the most recent posts. It's hilarious.

Is there any strategy to keeping your emotions in check? When I miss this person so much, it's easy to slip up and start saying how I feel and asking to talk things over. I'm not getting angry, I talk to him lovingly and sincerely, but the conversation usually ends up leading to an argument. For instance, I said I was sorry for the problems we had in the past; and then I asked if he believes me (me saying I'm sorry) and he says "I don't know". That hurts me and I'll go on saying how can you not believe it. It's little things like that, almost arguing over nothing.

For the most part, I need to act calm and happy for now, and that's difficult when that's not how I'm feeling.

You need to stop doing this.

Something that sort of helped me was keeping in the back of my mind that this person doesnt care for me as much as I care for them. They do not want to talk about US. So why dont I show them how happy I can be with or without them. Even when I was dying inside. Even when all I wanted to do was break down and cry.

I worked hard on showing how I was an interesting, happy person, with friends, a life (most important) and interests away from them.

Believe it or not, that got them interested in me enough to start our relationship again.
Can you do this??

Perfect advice!!!

Hey Chord0,
just wondering how its all going??

Lil