Good Luck!

lasd - How did the talk with your SO go?

Thank you so much for asking!!
It went really well I think.
I did not get a chance to speak to him about the situation till yesterday evening....and I had, by then, rehearsed my speech a thousand times!!! LOL
I simply told him I could not tolerate any personal contact EVER AGAIN. He stated that he understood and that he would just wait till the next time she contacted him via cellphone and tell her to stop.

I told him NO.....he needed to take the initiative and tell her to stop NOW(or rather the moment she returns to work) as I did not want to wait for him to simply 'react' to her behavior....I wanted and needed for him to take the initiative and draw boundary lines that protected our relationship.

He said he understood and actually admitted that he HATED confrontation and just wished things would 'go away' or straighten themselves out without him having to confront people. (This is a real problem for him and one of the reasons that he gets in trouble.......people violate what SHOULD BE his boundary lines and he does nothing about it.)

In any case, I believe that he will follow through with stopping the personal contact. Granted, they still work in the same area..although they are no longer in each other's face every day.
It's not the best of scenarios but I think it is progress.
Actually I think if she can no longer manipulate him, she may look for a job elsewhere.....

We are also beginning to work on one of HIS Love Busters...HONESTY which is a HUGE one. It is going to be difficult for him I think...but.......with my change in attitude(i.e. no resentment, no angry outbursts and no criticizing) I think we can get through it.
I have decided to put any thoughts of marriage back another 2 years.......I still want and need 3 years of TOTAL HONESTY before I am willing to marry this man.

And.....one more deceiptful behavior on his part and we are still going to be DONE. He is out of wiggle room.

So...we shall see but honestly I was amazed that he was so willing to negotiate this issue. SEveral months ago when we had this discussion he totally refused my request. Perhaps he has had some time to reflect or maybe he just sees that I have become stronger and calmer.....
I seem to be able to deliver my message(thoughts and feelings) without the anger and sarcasm.
I feel that I owe that to all of you.........
for backing me up in my thoughts and encouraging me to stand for what is right and what I believe in.

Thank you for that...
I wouldn't be this far without your help.

He is not negotiating with you. He is lying to your face and expecting you to be stupid enough to believe him. Because that's what he thinks of you. Stupid.

What you see before marriage only gets worse. If he is on his best behavior now, what will WORSE behavior look like when you're married, and he doesn't have to kiss up to you to keep you on the line? Wake up!

Please go to Emotional Needs and look for a thread from about six months ago by YoungandLearning. You sound just like her; she got nowhere, neither will you.

Stand up for yourself and tell him if he doesn't write her a NO CONTACT letter tomorrow - you are leaving. Otherwise you will be doomed for a life of misery.

BIG MISTAKE. You can NEVER change anything but yourself. Work on yourself. I recommend a little, quick book called The Dance of Anger - it will really help you.

Okay...I will go read the post you talked about and I will get the book you suggested.

I didn't ask for NO CONTACT because
(1) There was no physical affair
(2) She works for him so there is NO WAY there can be NO CONTACT
(3) It was basically 'texting' of sexual jokes and
comments ....there were no meetings, no coffee breaks, no
dinners, etc.

The only way there could be NO CONTACT is if he were to quit his job. There has been NO CONTACT since she has been off for maternity leave......

Maybe I am just STUPID...LOL...I honestly don't believe he is interested in this woman.....I do think, however, he was flattered by her attention and did not know how to put proper boundaries in place.

Remember...he took a polygraph on this issue......and he passed the question as to having any interest in pursuing a relationship with her.

Anyway...I will read the things you suggested.
Thank you.......

These are just excuses. It is vital that you ask for no contact, even if it means he quits his job. You will never recover unless there is no contact. I've been down this road myself. If they continue to work together, even if it's not in the same area of the company, this will continue. And it will go further underground as well.

Trust me on this one. I've already lived it and it won't end well.

Wow.......
He is planning to quit his job within the next year....but he wasn't planning on doing that NOW.
Honestly I believe she will quit hers....
I really don't know what else to do.......

I honestly do not believe he is interested in this woman......other than having been flattered at the attention and I do think that his inability to set proper boundaries with women is part of his sexual addiction issues.

I dont' see how this can move underground if he is taking a polygraph every 3 to 6 months.....there will be questions about that woman and his relationship with her on that polygraph test and he knows that..........he can't pull off the lying and pass the polygraph.

And I read the post from Youngandlearning....I am not really sure how that fits here. She was being verbally and physically abused.......I have had neither. I have had LYING......and granted that is enough.

I have also ordered, from Amazon.com, the book recommended.

Thanks for the insight.......
I will keep thinking about what you said......

If my SO quit his job he would have to move to another state......his work is very unique and there are not a lot of openings in his field.

Thanks again.

The issue, IMO, that ties you to YoungandLearning is what seems like your predisposition to put your own needs aside to make sure he is happy, you please him, you don't make him angry...the steps that lead to a dissatisfied spouse who is either stuck in an unhappy relationship or gives up and leaves. Your relationship should be equal - 50 what you need and 50 what he needs. Are you there?

ok....I see.
I agree that I am predisposed to put others needs FIRST.
And in this instance, by doing so, I have made myself MISERABLE...thus the reason I began having such Resentment and Angry Outbursts.
I now have a better understanding as to my TOP NEEDS and the necessity of them being 'met' for me to be Happy.
Thus the reason I have insisted on my SO:
(1) Signing the Policy of Joint AGreement
(2) Signing the Policy of Radical Honesty
(3) Taking a New Polygraph to address my concerns regarding his behavior
(4) Jointly working Dr. Harley's Home Study program with me
(5) Attending one of Dr. Harley's weekend seminars with me in the future
(6) Halting all personal contact with his coworker

By having implemented all of the above, I feel more at peace and happier with all areas of my life.

I also feel that my SO has become more aware of how toxic some of his employees behavior 'was' and 'is'. He appears more determined to STOP worrying about being 'liked' and is focusing on simply being 'respected'.

So....I agree that you are 'right on' with your concern and I truly appreciate your honesty and insight.
I will keep my focus on making sure my TOP needs are met and that all Love Busters are thoroughly addressed and eliminated.

Thanks again.