Hi.

There are some issues that have arisen the past 3 weeks.

My with is an educator, and she just got a promotion to be a tech adviser at the school where she works too. so this fall, she will teach one class and advise.

Since she has become busier with work, the following have cause problems:


She wants space. In the evenings she wants to be left alone in the bedroom to relax, watch tv, surf on the internet, etc. Before that we would spend time together in the evenings...

She has said that she is embarrassed that she now makes mre than me.

She's embarrassed/frustrated that I make less than all of her friend's husbands.


She is frustrated that I don't have motivation to look for a better job. She calls my work ethic into question.

She thinks that my 40 hr a week job is not enough. Tha ti should work more thatn I do.

She is ok, to put her job first. That right now, it is more important than me.


2 years ago she had a affair with a coworker (he now works somewhere else out-of-state). All of these this above remind me of how she was during the affair. I thought that we were past it, and I thought we were doing better. But she is bring up the topic that " I'm not like her father." That I fail to live up to what she wants...

I don't know what I am trying to ask. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with this...

Thanks.

Welcome to MB. Glad you have found us.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

married 9 years.

we have 2 girls ages 3 and 7

Sure sounds like an affair may be going on.

What type of work do you do?

How has the marriage been otherwise?

That's a red flag.

Here's what I would ask my W were I in your situation-
Why is your getting a promotion and thusly making more money than me my fault?

When did this become a materialistic marriage that who makes more matters?

I don't get embarrased that some of my friends's wives make more money than you, why are you embarrased of me?

How many hours more would you like me to work that would make you happy-10, 20, 50?

What is your definition of work ethic?

Otherwise things have been good.

I've tried to keep a good eye on everyone she contacts... it's hard for me to see it is more than a spell at being a workaholic....

LB

LB

LB

LB

I would stay away from that questioning. Those will all put her into defense mode.

Perhaps some alternative approaches then?

Huh? Really? That question is on the EN Questionnaire.

Honey, I am really proud of you; you have really worked hard to earn that promotion. A lot of men would be embarassed but I am nothing but proud. All the time and hard work you put into your job and now you are being recognized for it. I really wish I had the knowledge and ability that you have so I could get a job like yours.


Maybe on the questionnaire but if you read the other questions first, how will they come out of his mouth. I read them and, based on his post, put a sarcastic tone on them. He seemed a bit annoyed at his W. Often it is not WHAT is said but HOW it is said.

Perhaps: Honey, I know with this new promotion you will be making a lot more money than I am. I also remember in the past we have talked about this and it made you feel a bit uncomfortable. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to try to pick up a few more hours a week at work?

There was a lady on the Loveshack board who was on the verge of an EA and was expressing her misgivings about her feelings. This happened +/_ 3 weeks ago.

She had a similar profile to your wife, viz. worked in a school/ senior position and held the position of coordinator. She was attracted to someone that consulted with her and with which she had irregular contact. This poster had not made any advances to the OM at that stage but was clearly conflicted.

I am not saying that this was your wife. I am suggesting that if your wife was in a similar position, this would explain possibly why she would begin to disinvest in the marriage.

EP's need to be in place. Keylogger, monitored texts etc.

But if it is an affair that is operating at the school grounds then this will be much more difficult to expose.

With her history one might be tempted to confront her on the basis of her behaviour change. Ask her if she has something that she needs to to share with you.

She will probably try to fob you off with the the nature of the job. This is B*ll. If she continues with denial, ask if she would be willing to do a polygraph to allay your concerns.

I think that speed is of the essence whether there is an affair or nay.

Calling all the vets to help us on this one!

danzig

What do you do for a living? How much of the household chores falls on you, honestly.

Larry

I'm a graphics editor... 40 hrs a week...

I do my share of chores: laundry, wash dishes, lawn work, i cook if wife doesn't want to.

why?

W approached me over the weekend. she says that we are over and that I need to transition over the next 3 moths to moving out.

She told me that she doesn't want to settle anymore, and that her new position has empowered her to see that.

She says that I'm holding her back, that other see me as a weak man. spineless, unmotivated, etc.

She says the best thing is for me to move out and for me to figure out all the details with her without lawyers etc.

she's putting up this wall. No talking (unless it is about me moving out, no touching,...)

She threatens to leave herself (with kids) if I don't, and me staying makes me selfish!!!

Ok Mr. D,

She is having an affair, and you need to find out with whom. I would use Keylogger, I would tape phone conversations (see if they are legal), I would definitely see a lawyer, it is not a given that she gets the kids unless you want her to.

In fact given her list, I would do just about NONE of it. DEFINITELY DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. DON't LET HER TAKE THE KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE. See a lawyer TODAY.

You are in a war, and goal is to win it, not just a battle or two. Also check your phone bills, for who she has called. Make sure your finances are set up so that she cannot drain your accounts or run up the credit cards. In short protect yourself, while finding out what is going on.

If you can hire a PI. You don't need to be punching at smoke. YOu need to KNOW the real situation and you need it NOW.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If she is working more hours than you, the YOU have a strong case for custody, although being a male is a detriment.

If you think that doing what she asks will help you or her, you're mistaken. Don't move out and don't waste time figuring out the details of how you're going to move out, let her do that herself. If she threatens to leave, tell her she's free to go (since she's so "empowered" now).

Danzig,

I'm not an expert on MB, but I am an expert on kids. Don't give them up. If she has to go let her go, do not give up you kids. Others are better to tell you how to fix your M.

Im sorry you are going thru this but Welcome to MB. I read your post when you first came on and saw the others helping you along

IMHO, You do not have to leave. You havent done anything to have to pack up your stuff and get out.

I agree she can leave since shes the empowered one now. Do not let her take the kids with her.

It doesnt seem you two talked about your original post issue. And I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Obviously red flags went off when she would go and be on the internet, etc behind closed doors. I know you can unwind from work right in the living room with feet proped up etc without going behind closed doors.

If she sees you weak then she should show ways to build you up. She did a major LB when she said you are weak and spineless.

I doubt her job has made her see anything. And if shes not in any form of A she is getting a high out of her work.

Install a keylogger on the computer. Put a tape recorder in the car. Or I think it was even suggested something about a cell phone and GBS type system to another. I am not sure.

At one point I made more then DH did. We didnt have a problem with it that I know of. If so it was never talked about. I didnt hold my self higher on the bread winning side. I was just more money to spend

Give us an update...

a few questions...

what is a keylogger? Can they be detected?

i do not have money for attorney.

how can i keep wife for taking kids? is that even possible?