OK, lets start with number 1.

Are the people who made the offer going to get the loan?

Answer:

How can you find out? Are they prequalified? How is thier credit? Do you have a realtor?

I am seeing that will all of these, there are a few things you can maybe do on each one, but then you have to let it go once you have done enough.

For example number 1 about the house sale. There are a few things you can do.

1. Find out if they are prequalified to get the loan
2. See where they are at on the process
3. See if you need to go on to another buyer,
4. If you are selling it yourself you need to talk to the persons loan officer, or your realtor if you are using one.

5, if you have done all that then quit worrying about it.

NUMBER 2

If the price was too low, you are OK. It may have been just right. 10K up or down on real estate won't matter in the big picture of life. It never matters. It will work out in the end. Take it from me. My friends lost deals because they wanted 5K more or wanted to pay 5K less. I always gave that extra 5K and got what I wanted. Or sold it for 5K less and got rid of it easier. It all worked out in the end for me to be flexible on price a little.

Well, I cant do all your work for ya, let me know when you have time for this. Or do it on your own and report back to us and we will help. You should be journaling all this stuff. Get it out of your mind (it is swirling around in your mind) and onto paper.

There were times when writing out my list of worries as you did, immediately made them dissapear. So that can help also. What you just did.

Hi Stella, sorry for disappearing on ya...

H came upstairs, I told him my friend Stella was telling me I shouldn't be bugging him to talk to me all the time... one thing led to another... some ENs were mutually met.

Thanks for starting without me. I'll go look at what you wrote, and reply.

No. 1: Yes I have a realtor, she's the same one I bought the house from. She's doing a lot of stuff for me since we aren't in town any longer. There were some repairs that needed to be made before we officially put it on the market, and she had someone lined up. Before he started though, her mom (who is also a realtor) showed the house to a young couple who is interested in getting it for less money and they put in the sweat equity of doing the repairs themselves.

They are first-time buyers, and there's something about their bank only processes those loans at certain times or something... something that means we must wait until Sep. 12 or so to close.

The realtor seems to think all is well. I could send her an email to check up... so far H has been handling most of the emails back and forth sorting out the details, since the offer came through while I was away on a trip.

No. 1, continued...

Yes I think I'll send an email to the realtor, ask her how confident she is that these folks will get the loan, and ask her if we should or could be showing it in the meantime.

No. 2 3:

We trusted the Canadian realtor to advise us on the best price to ask. Unlike my realtor in the U.S., I've been less than enamored with this Canadian office, even when we bought the house through them. I just feel less like I can trust them, not based on much. Anyway, they did a market analysis and we went with their suggestion. But there have been several houses in this area that are for sale and that have recently come down in price. So maybe their market analysis was based on the first higher price; or maybe they were being greedy/overly optimistic.

This is supposed to be one of the few markets untouched by the burst housing bubble. Maybe it's now reaching this area, also.

H and I have discussed this some. I think he plans to call his realtor Monday to see if there are still ppl interested, and'or if we should consider coming down in price based on other homes.

ETA: No. 2, I've pretty much let go already as a real worry. Just something I wonder though, you never can tell.

Yes, H and I are reconnected... again... I guess I'm not yet good at the negotiations or drive-by H&O, there seem to be some kinks that mean I go through a process of several days... and I keep losing the balance...

I'm still not sure how to balance boundaries and a good Taker, with just working on my stuff and letting go of the response. But I know I don't like maintaining a sulen silence. I recognize that part of it is an attempt to make him change (to talk more) and LA helped me see some stuff, especially some dishonesty...

I felt like I wasn't being true to myself though, acting from my integrity, if I would just act like it's ok for him to ignore my need to talk.

I asked again if we could talk, he said again, no. But I did let go of his response. I was tired of being angry, I wanted to choose to have a good attitude... to choose to start the day over and have a good attitude...

So I did. And over dinner, I told him that he was perfect in almost every way, that except for the talking thing, he was really quite wonderful. He smiled. Things got better from then on... We even had a fair discussion over dinner.

I think this is a good starting point from which I can lay the foundations of the Friends of Conversation. To foster a safe environment for him to talk - to show him we can talk without AOs, SDs, or DJs. We've been down that road before, I'm sure we can go there again.

I'm not sure why periodically I get sidetracked. Maybe it's the tension and stress. I don't know. But the more times we cover this same ground, I think the easier it's getting to find our way back to the right path when we get sidetracked.

I'm feeling better now and I think we are doing better.

Thanks for your patience in reminding me of things I forget... this prolly won't be the last time either... just please don't write me off as one of those posters who doesn't take advice. I'm just slow and forgetful, is all.

And, thanks for pointing me to Toby Mac's music! I think I've heard one of those songs before. Mostly I only hear new songs when we're on car trips, and I might hear a song just once and never hear it again. And H doesn't like listening to the Christian radio channels. So I appreciate you pointing me to that music. I've listened to several of the songs on YouTube, I'll prolly buy one of his albums on iTunes. It's good to expand my library of uplifting music!

No. 6: H says no, I'm not expected to. I'll try to let that one go. I'm already over-committed anyway.

No. 7: I will try to call my friend tomorrow, plus email the other guy and the student one last time.

My underlying fear here is definitely insecurity.

Jayne, perhaps "can we talk" sounds to your husband like "can I tell you again how badly you are letting me down, and how you are failing as a husband".

Maybe you shouldn't ask him to talk, just talk to him. When I was on a layover in Japan I would ask each of the clerks "Excuse me, do you you speak English", and each clerk said in perfect, precise English "No, I do not speak English." rofl

Given your list of worries, perhaps you are needing your husband to distract you from your worries, and that's why you have an overwhelming need to talk to him. Maybe if you let him know that he'll be more interested to talk. Assure him that its not about berating him, and he may be more willing.

Regarding the worries thing, when worries start piling on me and making me nuts, I write out my worry and then write the worst case scenario (what I fear will happen). And then I write how I would handle that. Most times the worries never pan out, and this makes me feel better.

Maybe it's worth a shot, paired with Stella's idea of listing your worries.

On the reading other people's code thing, there is always one fall back position, and that is to criticize their documentation and comments. If they have done a decent job of coding, the code should be understandable, and there should be reasonable comments in the code describing the processing.

Don't worry about asking for help at the new company. This isn't a sign of your weakness as a coder, its a positive sign that you are trainable, and eager to learn.

Comments?? COMMENTS????? What comments???


*whew* Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

Now you have the right to ask as many questions as you want, because of the lack of comments.

Hi Happy,

Love yer name BTW!

Two friends came over for dinner last night (guy and girl, but they're not a couple so I didn't say a "couple of friends" ) and one was the guy whose code I was trying to run, so I was able to snag him during and after dessert. Of course some of the problems were pathnames that no longer existed, and some were sections of code that he'd since changed cus the version he gave me was a work in progress... now it works!

Well I haven't tested it today, without him looking over my shoulder... I'll let ya know...

In other news:

(1) The sale of my house, that I was worried would fall through... did. They didn't qualify for the loan. I thought it was fishy when they said they'd have to wait until Sep. 11 or something...

(2) All evening I felt like H was snapping at me There was a misunderstanding about whether we were supposed to meet those friends at the restaurant or they were coming here. And it seemed then he was just annoyed at me about everything, I couldn't do anything right.

(3) It carried over till morning... I had to be somewhere by 8:00 a.m. and I woke up at 7:30, the alarm hadn't gone off. I'd set it for 6:00 P.M. !!! So I was running around frazzled, and H moved the car with car seats so I could take the two-seater, and it looked like he was about to step in back of me (and he was looking real annoyed) so I was worried and was watching him as I backed up, and didn't notice I still had my car door open and it hit the side of the garage door as I was backing up. If he wasn't mad before, he was then!

My H did that with my car, I had run out of the car to get something in the house, and he backed up so it'd be easier to get in, nearly tore the door off. $1000 in damage, that was just my deductible. I didn't say a single word to him.

Are things better? Did you find out what the stress was from?

Oh bum!

We've just paid a large panelbeating bill for damage to one of the cars caused by getting too close to the garage door

Does'nt the H's get hopping mad when the cars get hurt?

because I bet you needed one at the time and didnt get one.

Ouch! Good for you for not saying anything to him.

H yelled my name, but that was about it. But plenty of non-verbal tension.

I've done this once before, when I was in high school and just learning to drive, I had pulled too far forward at a gas station and was trying to back up enough to pump the gas, and I was looking out the door with the door open to see better... *crunch*

But I can't believe I did it as an adult.


He says he wasn't mad at me all day yesterday. I asked him "So why did you say xyz?" about a couple of things and he said he had a reason for being annoyed about those things, but in general he wasn't acting annoyed all day... oh well.

I've been wondering if he's lost respect for me because I'm more inter-dependent, and he's very independent. I like discussing things; I like working together on things, and I think sometimes I ask for "help" just to be interacting and doing things together. I get the impression he now thinks I can't do anything without his help. I just realized that last night. I was gonna do better and be more independent and stop asking for his help, but I messed up the very first morning.

Tonight I told him what I was feeling, that he didn't respect me etc., and he didn't say anything. I asked him if he liked me, and he said yes. I asked him to name things he likes about me. Here's what he said.

(1) that I am good at forming connections and collaborations with people.
----(so I know how to schmooze? I'm not independent enough?)
(2) that I am outgoing.
----(but I think I'm shy!)
(3) that I work hard.
----(so I have to try harder to get the same or worse results as others?)

Oooooops! Oh you poor thing, when it rains it pours. Sorry to hear about the car. The buyer having to drop out at the last minute is a pain as well. Ugh. Are you waiting to buy a different house with the money from the sale of this one? That must be an awkward position to be in.

Just out of curiosity, what language are you writing your code in? I've found Java to be absolutely horrible when it comes to dealing with directory paths. Write once, run anywhere my patootie! It sounds like you're getting some good help from your coder friend. Hang in there, and it'll get better.

Are you the one that was doing the masters in IT, or was that someone else? If so, are you all done now, or still finishing up?

Regarding the husband being cranky and this making you nervous, did you ask him if he was being cranky about you or something else? This might help you separate him being moody about life in general with being mad at you.

Those pesky garage doors! Why can't they make one smart enough to get outa the way???


Yep.

There's a really nice story I read once, about a wife who crashed their car and when she went to look for the insurance and registration, she found a really nice note from her H, saying that if she's reading this, she must've been in an accident, and he just wants her to know that he loves her and just wants her to be ok, he isn't worried about the car.




Thanks! Yep I needed that.