My first post here.

Married for 26 years, 3 kids, the oldest two in high school. I've been a workaholic for years and left my wife's EN's unmet. No sex for years. Very rocky relationship - I've done all the lovebusters, and admit that I pushed her away.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with cancer which I'm beating - well on the road to recovery. This was a life changing event, and I've eliminated all the love busters. I watch what I do each moment of each day.

I love my wife immeasurably, but was too stupid to show it properly for years. We've put up a good facade to friends for a long time.

The last 3 years my wife started hanging out with divorced women. There were several girls nights out - late nights to bars, etc. At the time our estrangement was such that I let my anger keep me warm. Last summer she went to Vegas with a girlfriend going through divorce. She came back different. There was a sudden interest in rugby, attempts to put our kids in rugby camps, going to local matches, etc. I figured out then she met someone in the local rugby scene but didn't pursue it.

Sometime late last year she stopped contact with some of the more "destructive" divorced female influences for a variety of reasons. She also is going back to school.

When I was diagnosed with cancer this year I realized what a mess my life and marriage had become. While I was physically sick I was also sick not knowing. So, I hacked her computer and found attempts at contacting a guy. One email actually sent to a bad address, so it bounced, just wishing him luck in a Canadian match. Other drafts that were unsent but inviting him to our children's events. She also used a friends credit card to do a people search on him to find his address and phone number.

I know his name, address, where he works and that he moved to another city this past Jan. He's married with a couple of small kids and was a pro rugby player who appears to be out of the pro circuit to focus on his family.

Something definitely happened on the Friday night my wife was in Vegas. One of her attempted emails asks him to identify what they talked about and did so she is sure it is him. After she got back my wife and a couple of her girlfriends swapped pics of this guy back and forth all day.

To this day my wife keeps photos of him on her computer and views them almost daily (there are also photos of her with another guys on a past birthday of hers). I see him in her eyes and heart when she looks at me. She could care less about my health, ridiculing my emotional concerns (this week I was just called by my surgeon out of the blue for a follow up because he didn't like my blood work - when I said I was worried she made fun of me, and this was after she "forgot" to tell me the doctor called the house for a full day). She also daily checks rugby web sites and the myspace sites of local rugby clubs where he is a friend, as well as his myspace page. She also recently created her own myspace account identifying herself as single, though there are no pictures or other activity there.

She's very secretive about her computer. I work with computers, so the forensics are dead easy - I don't have to touch it to find out everything. Trust me folks - email is forever.

For the past month, now that I'm through the initial bad time of radiation and hormone adjustment and can emotionally function without my body chemistry being all screwed up, I told her I want a "new" lease on our marriage. We had a blow up where D was discussed, but I backed off. I'm seeing a counselor for my past behavior - the Love Busters but especially AO. She sees a big change but is in disbelief.

However....

Perhaps this is selfish, but I need to be loved. I want to be in a committed emotional relationship again before I die. That death might be in 1 year or 40 years - who knows but God. All I know is that having a near-death experience with cancer changes your outlook on life. Further, the call from my surgeon this week scares me. What if something else is wrong? Likely not, but still.... and in the meantime I'm getting my body back in shape for a triathalon - got to have a post cancer goal.

So, I feel like I'm on a timeline.

I wrote her a letter telling her that I can't keep her. She is free to choose to stay in the relationship or go. So far she wants status quo - emotional separation in the same house. Status quo is not acceptable.

The knowledge I have about the rugby guy is killing me. It is sapping my emotions. It clearly seems to be a fantasy now, but what about the past? And the fantasy is certainly in the way of any healing, though it may be secondary to the distrust she feels for me which I admit is warranted. However, I distrust her and almost freaked out the other night when she wanted to go visit a girlfriend on Friday night. She got mad and said I guilt-tripped her. I played a doormat, but the girlfriend cancelled out and she stayed home.

My question is - how do I proceed?

I'm on my path - I will change. I'm not going back to a self-imposed agony of anger. Life is too short.

But do I confront her with what I think is emotional infidelity? Do I go to a plan A where her recovery is to eliminate all material related to rugby and this guy? Should she give up contact with anyone who encouraged the relationship? Should I tell her parents, etc (they think I'm the total bad guy here)? Does she owe me an explanation of what happened with this guy and her attempts to contact him? I have the phone records - should I reverse lookup suspicious numbers?

Or would this confrontation be viewed as me being a control freak again, perhaps even another AO?

As I'm changing and trying to save the marriage, she's not reaching out. I believe this fantasy with rugby guy is in the way.

Sorry for the rambling and length. I hope to get some help here. I could sure use it.

I am so very sorry about your illness and I wish you many, many, happy and healthy years ahead. Your post struck a chord with me because, at the age of 31, my very best friend in the whole world was diagnosed with breast cancer. And oh WOW, did it ever change her outlook on life. Live each day to its fullest.

I have a a passionate, loving, but many times stressful marriage, so I am not one of these seasoned Marriage Builders vets to dole out advice. I just want to say that I believe you are going in the right direction with the right ideas in mind. You CAN win back your wife, with effort and steadfastness. I wouldnt even bother bringing up that she was possibly interested in pursuing something outside of the marriage (because A) you ignored her and went sexless for years and B) it doesnt sound like it went far and she stopped short of going in that direction). We as humans can only go on living life, ignored by the person who is supposed to keep us loved and safe for so long. I am not condoning her stepping out, but that you need to see why YOU made it possible.

I say keep on trucking. You have a new lease on life, your wife deserves a new lease on your marriage and I can sense your dedication to it. Just please, do not make this a project to prove something to yourself, or even to her. Do it because you genuinely love and care for her and because you want a loving relationship for the rest of your years.

Good luck!

Gdar - thanks for the kind thoughts.

My problem is that I'm not sure the EA is over. This morning she was reading rugby guys horoscope along with hers. I'm afraid there is contact continuing of some sort. She definitely wants there to be.

I truly wish I had the Love Busters book 20 years ago. Perhaps this whole mess would be avoided.

I'm still struggling. Do I expose the EA or not?

Have you got hold of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

In the mean time check out the first few articles of "Just found out" elsewhere at this website.

Sorry you're here man!

You know what? It is a little late for that. In order to BE LOVED, one has to LOVE. You haven't done that all these years and this is the result. What you see is a direct result of the life you have lived. Those choices have consequences. You are reaping what you sowed.

I am sorry to be harsh, but your selfishness is what got you here in the first place, and it sure won't get you out of it. If you tell her you are entitled to be loved because you are dying, she will feel its emotional blackmail, and i would agree.

That being said, I think you can fall in love again if you can convince her, at this late date, that you can meet her needs to the point that she could fall in love with you. But I don't believe you are going to get there with a selfish approach that says "I am dying, there fore I am entitled to be selfish." That is sure to create resentment and not get you what you want.

If you want to do this right and get the best, fastest result, I would go to a Marriage Builders weekend to get a jump start. Dr Harley is a GENIUS. It can have the effect of changing your marriage FAST. Dr Harley and his staff will guide you through the program and you will have daily access to him. That will give her hope and show you how to both fall in love. She is looking for love but has given up all hope of getting that from you.

Don't worry about being harsh. Trust me - nothing you or anyone else can say is as tough as what I've said to myself.

You are exactly right. I completely "get it". I am definitely reaping what I sowed.

I likely have a long and healthy life in front of me. I desperately want it to be with her. Right now she wants nothing to do with me other than financial support and help with our children.

I am not mentioning any timelines. I am treating her with respect and attempting to show some affection - small compliments, etc. So far that is being met with cold, angry stares.

I know this is a long road and that I screwed up.

I'm trying to figure out how to get her to let go of the other guy, stop her wandering eye towards other men (that is happening now, too), and focus on our marriage for our family's sake.

Perhaps the only way for me to do that is to wait and demonstrate my behavior has changed.

In this situation, how long should I tolerate an EA, or even a full affair? Especially if there is a new affair? Should I go to a Plan A for a new affair? The old EA she's still hanging on to?

I feel like the only thing I can do is wait as I demonstrate new behavior daily.

Your W will be suspicious of the new "changed" you. It's normal. You can tell her all you want that you are changed but she will not believe it. She needs to SEE the change over time. How long? It seems to be different for everyone. You have 20+ years of behaving a certain way and now all of a sudden you have changed? Come on?

I say that jokingly because the same thing happened to me. It was like a switch was thrown. I have been showing my W the "new" me for 4 weeks. She doesn't trust the change. I know it is real and showing her is easy because it is sincere. Read "His Needs, Her Needs". What EN's of hers are you missing? Start meeting them and get the ball rolling. The time frame seems to be in the 6 month range from what I have read here. My wife is coming around already. She had an A, filed for D and if you could have see the coldness in her eyes you would never have thought she'd give us a shot. We had massive, nasty LB blowouts. She is back to showing affection after 4 weeks of Plan A but she is not all the way back yet.

I learned the hard way...DON'T RUSH IT. Don't force conversation when she is not in the mood. Stay upbeat at all times. If she is ice cold and miserable, by happy and give her space. If I knew about EN's and Plan A the week of D-Day, I'd be 6 weeks ahead and probably would have saved the $2000 in legal fees of her filing a D then withdrawing it.

Just keep Plan A going strong. It is hard, really hard when your around someone really unhappy. Just 2 months past D-Day and 4 weeks into Plan A I can tell you, it seems to be working.

Good Luck.

She needs to have a REASON to focus on your marriage. She wants to be loved. That is what has driven her to look to others and what will drive her to begin looking towards you. What can you do to attract her TO YOU?

CrushedJim - you are so right. She doesn't trust my new behavior, and I don't blame her.

Sounds like our situations are similar.

I've read through all the articles related to infidelity. What I'm seeing tells me to expose her behavior. While I definitely created the conditions in which she took these steps, her choice was her choice. She has to come out of the fog. Part of that is me meeting her EN's, but another part is her letting go of OM. Seems there is no way but hitting this head on.

This evening will be tough. I just have to remember not to judge, no AO and forgive.

The morning isn't even over and I'm having second thoughts.

Yes, I was a jerk for years. I'm afraid that if I expose the little progress I've made the past 4 weeks is gone.

Plus, should I feel guilty about a 'military-grade' info gathering campaign, like was mentioned in the Just Found Out guides? I do feel guilty. Should she be entitled to EA's given my behavior? Some here seem to think so.

Advice welcome.

From my standpoint the knowledge is killing me. We certainly don't trust each other.

Part of what I'd like to ask (though it is completely up to her to do - I can't demand) is that she purge everything related to rugby guy and the sport, she cease contact with enabling friends and that we stop going out without the other - no nights out dancing with other guys, no poker nights for me, etc.

I've been a jerk, but at least faithful.

Does she owe me an explanation for the EA's? Should she be expected to take action?

Sign me confused in San Diego.

She definately owes you the true story of what occured in Vegas that made her fall in love with the OM.

Couldn't bring up the subject last night. Was too angry by the time we were both home from various kid taxi duties, so I went to the gym and did my best time in a 4 mile run since getting out of radiation treatment.

May try again tonight. We seemed to have made progress last yesterday, and are at least communicating civilly. No EN's of mine met. I'm attempting to meet what I think are hers - compliments, listening, showing affection - at this stage. The latter is still being met with a cold shoulder.

Still unsure if it is the right time for exposure. The fantasy of the past EA is definitely in the way of progress.

I may get a voice recorder for her car.

I'm also wondering if I should block access to any rugby site from our home firewall. The continued traffic is just appalling - she's chasing this guy in her fantasy on a daily basis and I can't break through the fog. Though maybe that is just a sign I need to expose.

Melody - I took your advice and contacted the Harleys. Had a session with Jennifer (Steve's daughter) today. Very informative. Very much in line with what you've said in this and other threads.

Lot's to think about and a plan to create. I've been executing a decent plan for a few weeks but it just got refined.

This is going to be a long haul.