What you are doing is giving yourself emotionally to OM and this is such a huge betrayal to your H (M) and worse you H doesn't know. You need to work with your H on EN - not the OM.

G

not in contact with OM ... we decided to end it.

Fwd,

When you say , who exactly is the we?

No contact means NO contact, not a last goodbye or lunch to discuss how much fun it was or any of those sorts of things.

Dr Harley recommends a letter, approved by your husband and mailed by both of you together. That letter should say that what happened was wrong, that you love your husband and are going to actively attempt to recover your marriage together and that you wish to have no contact with OM for any reason ever again and that he should honor that request.

That is how NC should be established.

Once you go a few days with NC you will begin to long for him even more. It will seem unbearable and you will come up with all kinds of notions like "I just need to know that he is OK." or "I need to have closure." or maybe even "I just want him to know that I will miss him."

The more you fight it at first, the more miserable you will be. Around here it is called withdrawal because the symptoms are the same as someone coming off of drugs or alcohol addictions.

That is because many of the same chemical reaction actually take place in the brain during an affair as when doing drugs and the feelings from contact with OM actually did become addictive.

But just like a long time addict coming off of their drug of choice, you must avoid all such contact with OM for any reason.

After a short time, you will long for him less and eventually you might even forget to think about him for days at a time.

But step one is NO contact. The only "we" you should be thinking about is you and your husband. OM doesn't get a vote.

Mark

i understand what you're saying. but, it's very tough trying to recover ...

Fwd,

You haven't started recovery yet. You need to maintain no contact long enough to complete withdrawal.

The fantasy has to die before you can have a real relationship with your husband.

Mark

'a real relationship with your husband'

What do you mean ? We do have a real relationship. Things between us are well tho I feel a little stale on my side. I never neglected my hubby all these times. I still need him (my hubby) very much and I can't live without him but I also yearn for OM.

Those months when I was not in contact with OM, things between hubby and I didn't really spark off like when we were courting either. I guess it's just the reality of being married for 10 years.

Today, I feel so useless, can't even keep the emotions contained.

Wish I was stronger ...

Have you even told your DH yet?

i've no guts

He deserves to know... One way or another. He needs to know. YOU CAN NOT RECOVER TILL YOU BE OPEN AND HONEST *sorry but I had to stress that out*

How is he going to knwo things are going south right now? Please come clean with your H.

Im APF's H.

I just wanted to let you what you can expect in the future.


By not telling your H, your denying him free choice, the truth you will about his life that he shares with you, and if he decides he wants out of the M, then it is his choice.

Your chances of recovery are IMHO, slim. You don't have anyone to be accountable to. You could restart the A. You could keep lieing about it to him AND you.

You won't have the closeness you deserve in your M. Think about how guilty your going to feel when and if he pulls off those wacky "Husband of the year" stunts and hes praising you as the best wife in the world... but in your mind you feel AWFUL..because your H doesn't even know the half of it.


If you H knew, and if he decided to make the M work. He could help you with repairing the M and also ensuring NC is established, not to mention he would be able to help you through withdrawal.

Do you really want to let the truth out, either from you or someone elses lips many many years down the road and squander the opportunity for YOU to come clean?

and I don't like the "WE ended it". It implies you and OM have a say over you and your BH

Fwd,
Do you really have a real relationship? If the truth doesn't match your husband's understanding of the marriage, then it isn't a real relationship.

RMX said some great things to you! You are withholding the truth about your marriage in an attempt to manipulate your husband. You are treating him like a pet, not like a mature adult, who deserves to know the truth about his marriage.

As a betrayed husband myself, let me tell you that its not the affair itself that may be too much for me to get past. Its the dishonesty and disrespect. Its the knowledge that I busted my [censored] to help my wife feel loved and wanted, and nothing worked because she was having an affair. That whole time she lied to me repeatedly and led me to believe that I was the problem. The resentment that builds because of that is HUGE!

Just as RMX said, keeping this secret will act as a 1000 foot high glass wall between you and your BH. He will keep running into it without knowing what he is hitting. And if he is being a good husband and meeting your needs, your level of self-recrimination will undoubtedly grow.

Lastly, you need to tell your husband the truth because YOU cannot be trusted to maintain NC. You are a drunk that drive home alone past a row of bars every night. Telling your husband will allow him to help keep you accountable. If you don't tell him, you are just paying lip service to the marriage builders principles, because you are ignoring the foundation. Honesty and Openness.

RMX & Andrew

I do hear what you're saying. Indeed, certain things that you both mentioned, never crossed my mind before - they are new perspective to me ... helpful.