My ex-husband and I filed for divorce a year ago when I found out he had an affair with a woman who was pregnant with his child. I have a 5 year old son with my ex. At first he wanted to reconcile, then decided he wanted a relationship with the ow. Although he changed his mind a few more times, we ultimately divorced -- it was final last week. Ironically, his relationship with the ow did not work out and we have been getting along better than ever the past few months. All of our communications revolve around our son, but there seems to be some of the old attraction left between us. I'm starting to wonder if it is possible to get back together even now that we are divorced. Am I crazy!!?? My ex still has visitation with his daughter with ow and I think he has some contact with ow but he tells me they are not together. Confused. In many ways I still love him. We have a child together after all. But I also have many doubts and am not sure if these thoughts are realistic. I wish I had known about this website a year ago!!!

Hi, and welcome to MB. There are many tools here, that will help you recover if you want, or at least will help you in any future relationship.

Dr. Harley states somewhere that most A's (affairs) eventually fail, so it isn't too surprising that your H's did. If you want to recover your M with him, you could use some of the information here... if he is still having feelings for OW, you may want to do sort of a Plan A. If you both want to recover your marriage, then you want to do the plans for those in recovery.

Since there is an OC (other child? as in child from the WH, Wayward Husband, and the OW) I suppose NC (No Contact, meaning, no more contact ever between the WH and OW) is out of the question. There are several BS's (Betrayed Spouses) here dealing with OC, maybe they would have better advice. There's a special board for pregnant/children issues, you should also look there.

But you don't have to stop posting here too. This board gets more traffic, it will prolly pick up again once it's tomorrow morning in North America.

If you decide you want to try to work things out with WH, be sure to keep posting and asking questions.

If you and he both want to date and consider reconciliation then it would be good for your son if you reconciled, I think. I'd keep things amicable but cool around your son while exploring this possibilty. He's been hurt plenty by having his world torn up - don't give him false hope that you two are getting back together unless you're CERTAIN you're getting back together. Treat your WH like you would any new dating partner around your son. Dates w/o the son around, then maybe fun family activities w/o holding hands or kissing.

I'd take things VERY slowly, especially considering how much he waffled between you and OW. You might just be a comfortable familiar place to land after the hurt of his breakup with OW. So sure talk to him but be cautious.

If you guys do consider a romantic relationship, I'd strongly recommend working through "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" together, and then consider one of the marriage workshop weekends. After all you've been through, you both need to be 100% on board with Honesty, Transparency, Extraordinary Precautions, and Policy of Joint Agreement.

Yes.

According to you, he is indecisive(on the fence), his affair tanked, he has a child with the OW. He has visitation with other child, therefore he has contact with other woman.

Yes, it is possible for you to get back together. It is also possible for them to get back together.

Your now XHusband cheated on you and had a child with another woman.

What makes you think he won't do it again?
What makes you think he hasn't done it before?
What makes you think he isn't still doing it?

My greatest word of caution to you is to be careful with your son. Your son wants you to get back together. Kid's, especially little ones, always long for their parents to be together. So he could get his hopes up only to have them dashed and that would be very bad for him.

Would it be good if you reconciled? Only if you H took ownership over what he did to you and your marriage and committed to fixing the problems in the marriage, swore off contact with OW other than parenting issues, and made a commitment to establish boundaries to prevent future straying.

No one is going to love your son like he does, so it would be good for your son to have him fully back in his life ONLY if he was 100% committed to preventing being a WH again.

I concur.

You are divorced and out of a horrible situation.

I disagree that getting back together for your son would be a good thing. The BEST thing you could do for him is to show him what a happy and healthy life looks like. The fact that your husband allowed the divorce to go through and has been fence sitting should be a reason to NOT date him again.

You can count on him being resistant to NC...and this child will at times open the door for a renewed affair.

I would suggest moving on.

I agree with MEDC. Your marriage will be forever vulnerable to a repeat affair because your H will be triggered every time he sees he OW. You will be triggered every time he sees the OW. A marriage with more affairs is a very unstable marriage that a child is better off without. I would get out while the getting is good if it were me.

I would like to add that since you are free to date..you can certainly do better than an adulterer that had a child with his other woman...and broke up his family.

Lift your "standards" bar out of the mud and set it a bit high! You and your child both deserve that!

I disagree with everyone here.

Yes, there's huge risk in seeing your ex again, but this would be good for your sone IF (I emphasize the "IF") your H reforms and committs to your marriage.

A person can commit adultery and be a wayward and reform. Otherwise I wouldn't enjoy talking to people like coachswife, eeeyore, kiwi, and Mrs. W.

There's also the issue of "triggers" with the OW. I think that things depend on the dynamics of their interactions. You can have children with someone else and rarely communicate with them for things other than the issues regarding the child.

I have children with my ex but under the new arrangement I don't have to see her at all and can limit my communications to emails and phone calls, both of which can be monitored by a spouse. Any email sent from work can involve a courtesy copy by the FWH to his BW.

I don't think that killing the chance of restoring this child's parents and family is the answer.

I advocate proceeding with extreme caution.

What is his level of commitment? Does he still have a wayward mentality?

Funny that so many of you think I should walk away since that is what most of my friends and family are telling me. After all, my ex hurt me more than I thought anyone ever could. I feel silly even thinking about getting back together with him. But the truth is, I was happy before all this happened. Obviously, he was not so perhaps my perspective is off. Also, this past year that we have been separated and now divorced has been really difficult, both personally and as a mother. It is hard to raise a child by yourself and I find it is harder because I often feel lonely. And when I see my ex and he is happy and friendly, it reminds me of how things used to be, how well we got along and how happy I was.

I have not spent enough time reading the materials on this site to really understand how people stay together after an affair, but I see that they do and I wonder if I didn't jump ship too soon. And I don't know how I would even broach the topic of reconciliation with him. Is that on this site also?

Anyway, I am glad that at least one person out there understands why I am having these thoughts and doesn't think I am crazy -- THANK YOU!! I also see that it generally doesn't look good for reconciliation. I'm not sure I will do anything right now except wait and see. Actions speak louder than words so I will wait and see what he does.

If HE isn't bringing it up ALL THE TIME...trust me, it isn't worth it.

I'm not advocating jumping in. I'm advocating taking a peek with much, much caution.

He would need to own his infidelity, apologize, and then commit to whatever you demanded of him in terms of regaining your trust and preventing infidelity in the future.

But I caution you on fear of being alone. That is a very powerful motivator to be with someone you shouldn't be with.

You have your child. He/she doesn't need more drama in his/her life.


So your child should be your guide. What is best for your child?

I could not, in any way, consider the possibility of reconciling in any way due to things that have been said and alleged in my situation.

But I did consider it as a possibility up to that point FOR MY KIDS.

So proceed with extreme caution. He cheated on you before and hurt you terribly?

Why get back together with him?

What is different now than before?

Being lonely is not a reason to introduce unnecessary drama to your child. Having him take ownership for his infidelity and recommitting and putting in effort is a big part of whether or not to take him back.

What do you mean if HE isn't bringing it up all the time? You mean reconciliation?

He's not a good communicator. That was a big part of the problem. He was unhappy, but didn't say anything and couldn't talk about it afterwards. I doubt that has changed so I wouldn't expect him to bring it up. Is that what you meant?

Why get back together? Because of our son. So we can be a family again.

What is different? Nothing yet. But can it be different? That is my question. Can people change? Do people change? Can things be different? Or are we always the same -- mistakes leading to more mistakes?

If a big part of your problem has not changed, you shouldn't consider dating him. He needs to own his shortcomings and he needs to fix them. You don't need those headaches, and your son definitely doesn't.

I think I would view it very unemotionally. Pretend that he might be applying for a job, where he has already been fired - your husband.

During the affair did he meet his responsiblities as a father by paying child support, helping with your son, taking him places, having regular visitation?

During the marriage, was he an excellent husband - supporting the family, helping around the house, taking good care of your son, spending alone time with him, meeting your emotional needs?

If the answer to all of the above is a resounding yes, then I would consider exploring being friends while dating other applicants. There is really no hurry.