For those of you who are in a recovered marriage, what did you do and how long did it take to not think about your spouse being in a relationship with someone else? I've read on this site that it takes 12-24 months but do you ever have a day that you don't think about it?

I just can't seem to get past the fact that my H had sex with another woman and cared about her feelings. He says he liked all the attention she gave him and she "was all into him". What exactly does that mean? After being together for 25 years and being faithful to him all that time, it's hard to understand what was so special about this OW.

D-Day for me was May 2005, so I'm a little past 3 years now. I don't think about any particular aspect of her A unless something specifically reminds me about it, and even then the hurt feelings I go through are a lot less intense than they used to be.

We still have our problems of course, but they're now a lot more about what's going on now rather than what she did then.

here is your answer:


He loved the attention and that was what made him feel tempted.

Fallingagain,

I don't know that I fall into the fully recovered camp but I can tell you that if you and he both begin to do things the right way you will begin to have hours and even days when you don't even think about the affair.

Ironically it probably won't be learning about the affair or finding out all the details or even learning to communicate better that will bring that day to pass. It will instead be time spent together doing fun things together like you probably did when you were dating many years ago that will allow you to rebuild your love and let him begin to show you that he can be trusted again.



It probably means that one of his top Emotional Needs is Admiration. It is something that OW did for him that you might or might not have been doing because of the business of life.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? This is really the basis for any good advice or answers to your questions you might receive. You also might want to read the top few posts pinned to the top of this forum.

I would also suggest that you get a copy of Surviving An Affair and read it fully so that you know what to expect if you choose to attempt recovery. You can get it from the bookstore on this site, from other sources on the web and from many local bookstores. I found my first copy at the local public lending library.

Is this the first marriage for both of you?
Has the affair ended?
Does he work with her?
Do you have kids? How many and how old?

These might seem trivial but can really help people understand how to help you better.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Under the circumstances it is a good place to be, though the reason for your visit is not something to be wished for by anyone.

Mark

To answer some of your questions:

Is this the 1st marriage for both of you?
No, this is actually my second marriage - the 1st lasted about 9 years and produced 2 children. This one also ended because of an EA on his part. This is his 1st marriage.

Has the affair ended?
Yes - according to my H it lasted about 2 months and began as "friends" and his sexual relationship had gone on for about 3 weeks when I finally confronted him with what I knew.

Does he work with her?
No & she has moved from the house she was in during the affair and her phone # is no longer in service so I'm not sure where she is and my H says he doesn't know and no longer cares where she is.

Do we have any kids?
There are 2 girls from my 1st marriage but he was the only father they ever knew. They are both mature young women with families of their own & have been very hurt by this issue because they loved him as their own father (he was the one who told them about the A). The youngest is 30 and the oldest is 34. Each of them has 2 children of their own.

Have I read the Basic Concepts?
Yes I have read them and re-read them.

He was not very smart about his phone calls and his change in attitude. It was very easy for me to pick up on and it was almost as if he wanted to be caught. Although everytime I caught him on the phone and would ask who he was talking to, he made up some lie about his mom or his dad. I wanted him to tell me himself and he never did. I had to finally force the issue with him.

Sometimes I feel very foolish for not confronting him sooner because there were opportunities that I had to catch him sooner. I guess I was in denial. I knew he was having some kind of relationship because of all the phone calls but somehow I never dreamed it would be a physical relationship. I never thought he would cross that line....how stupid was that?

FA,

You think of him having a relationship with OW. He wasn't. He was having a fantasy with a fantasy.

I'm four years out in recovery...learning that part was essential to me getting over my obsession with OW...which kicked in really big about 8 months into recovery. Was hard to let go, to stop renting space in my mind to FOW. Just past the first DDay anniversary to stop thinking of the A every day. In the second year, went to maybe once a week, then once a month...and I forgot pretty much the second year anniversary.

That first year was full of discovery, hearing the details from FWH and working out the time lines. Second year was full of reconnecting, working the exercises, into the third year; addressing our poor habits, falling into old patterns and back to new again, each day since. Working on forgiveness, acceptance, understanding and healing. Making a new marriage.

I don't believe we'd be here with MB, Harley's and other books, and MC. All our sons know of the A.

LA