My husband and I are at a standstill right now. FYI...I've posted in another forum because I thought he might have been straying...that is not the case. We have started talking and here's the outcome: he loves me - just does not feel the spark anymore, he acknowledges that we are friends and that we have the same values and we like the same things...but, he just does not have THAT feeling for me anymore. I do not think he was cheating...that was a suspicion of mine because we were not talking and I did not know what else to think. So. I see these ads about how one person can save a marriage. I've been told by several people that rebuilding a relationship cannot be one-sided. I love my husband and think that we can get what we had back. What is the first step? How does this work? Help...

Andi

Hi, Andi...

I just finished reading all your posts.

During his month-long deployment, you said you were going to work on you, your stuff.

I didn't see any posts reporting what you were focusing on.

Steps for you:

Learn Listen and Repeat...build your communication skills with your focus first on understanding, then on being understood.

Understand the difference between the truth and his truth...the truth are actions...like him not giving you his passwords (did you give him all of your passwords?)...that's the truth.
Why he does not choose to act transparently is his truth...his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives.

Don't confuse one for the other.

Good communication is discerning the difference...you can usually tell when you hear someone say, "You shouldn't feel that way" (substitute, think, believe, view for "feel"...all the same) because that's a DJ. Don't refute or change his stuff...know it. His actions, though, are what we judge.

Same for knowing your stuff from his stuff...when he says, "I don't feel loving feelings"...that's about him, not you. Not you doing. We feel love when we act from love...loving feelings result from our actions.

Up to you to believe, to know, that we can fall in love again and again with our spouses.

Another step that goes hand in hand with listen and repeat--partnering, not parenting. This is a tough one...because our first experience of love is parenting...as adults, we learn to partner.

Listen and repeat injects respect...your choice to see you both as complete and whole people in one union. Respect is in partnering...knowing where you end and he begins. Knowing he chooses his stuff just as you choose yours. You can't choose his for him, nor he for you.

Another part of acting from respect is holding ourselves to marital boundaries...what is healthy for the marriage (protecting our weaknesses, holding ourselves to our boundaries) and what attacks the marriage (putting anything else ahead of the marriage, not protecting our weaknesses). So you don't have myspace pages which puts you "out there" as individuals, another self-image projected into the pool...you don't hide anything from one another, acting from radical honesty...all are parts of the four rules of marriage.

Means neither of you do not share information about your marriage with members of the opposite sex. Means you put your marriage first and make sure you get the 15 hours of UA time (not tv or movies)...and you both play together, do RC, so that you can retrain your brain to see each other as the allies you truly are.

Takes only one to stand for the marriage...does take both to recover. Learning about grieving, all five stages, and along with listen and repeat, share your stuff with him. Use "I" statements for ownership (helps eliminate DJs). Ask for his help in your desire to eliminate your LBs.

See him new today...check your assumptions and leave them behind. Intimacy is knowing your stuff and sharing it...how we connect. Which is why we can connect to each other through conflict, too...

Resources: Harley's books..."Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend; "Fighting for your Marriage" by Howard Markman et al; "Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" by Gottman...these have exercises to do together to bolster your communication skills, which is an act of love in itself...and to know you're not alone, you aren't really walking an unknown road...you're discovering who to partner in love.

LA

LovingAnyway,

Thank you for that wonderful post. Very informative and a good guide. I've been slowly getting my husband to talk. Based on what he's told me - the death of his best friend in January has brought his mortality sharply into focus. There's not a question of if he will be deployed again - simply when. We believe next year. He told me that he's unhappy and he does not know if he wants to spend what could (potentially) be the last few years of his life being unhappy. I asked him why he's unhappy and he has no answer...he just is. He does not seem to think that we can get back to where we were in our relationship. I think it's because he (me too, for that matter) just does not know where to start to get out of the unhappy place he's in right now. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part, but, I really believe that he is depressed right now. He's got almost every one of the symptoms of male depression. But...he won't talk to anyone. It's scary and it's frustrating because I love him and don't know how to help. And, at this point, he does not want my help. Since January, he's made work number one and family comes second. He has always been good at what he does and has always enjoyed going to work - but, it was never the case that work took priority over his family. Like I said...frustrating and scary. I feel like I'm in a hurricane....one band of the storm will hit me then...it's calm - like the eye of the storm. My plan is to just stay put (I have a job and our daughter just started 7th grade) and keep telling him of the good times we've had and that I love him and have faith that we can make it through. Does that sound reasonable?

Andi

Andigirl,

Couple of perspective issues, one at the beginning of your post and one at the end.

You didn't get your H to talk. He chose to--maybe you're saying you asked for, stayed safe, did your half with invitation and preparation for when he talked?

Second one is to not keep telling him anything to get him to think/feel/believe something.

Know and share your stuff...that's intimacy. Up to you to act from love and intimacy even when your partner isn't...because your actions are really about you--and his are about him.

Work is often used as distraction (false solace) in grieving. Up to you to prioritize getting those 15 hours of UA...a healthier distraction could be in RC. Make those memories now, too...play together.

Are you following Harley's four rules of marriage?

About unhappy--living in the future or the past is an automatic unhappy in the present...because you're abandoning it. We do this in resentment and fear of the future...the better you pull yourself into this day, this moment, the greater chance you have at feeling happy. True for everyone.

We really only have today. Fear of what isn't right now is a huge LB...drains today of love, acceptance, joy and appreciation. And yes, depression may well be the biggest factor right now...there are others. Can you make him an medical appt for it and tell him you did? Plan on going with him?

LA

LovingAnyway,

Thanks for you quick reply! I can't make him an appointment - he would probably take offense to that and see that as me trying to act like his mother. I did, however, mention to him last night that I think he may be depressed. I told him that I wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful - just that I have read up on male depression and that he has almost every one of the signs/symptoms.

Thank you for pointing out the perception...that I did not "get" him to talk. You are so right. I have been making myself available. Making our home inviting. Not pushing him to talk. I just told him that I am interested in what he has to say. I want to know what he's thinking - get his perspective.

We spent a few good days together (not consecutively) with friends and I thought we had a good time. We spent time together as a family on a day trip with some friends and then we went to dinner at a friend's house - just 2 couples...I thought we had a good time. He said that he was faking it. He said that just because he acts normal or more like himself (rather than just sitting in his chair and not speaking to me) does not mean that everything is OK.

I asked him what brought about this change. I asked him why he felt differently. Are these questions on the right track? Would spending time on his own be helpful or hurtful? I just don't know what to do.

I don't have the books - but, they sound like great resources. Which one do you recommend that I start with?

Andi