Sometimes I wonder why I read some of the post here. They scare me to death. Don't get me wrong I'm not upset because you write how you feel and what you are going through betrayers and betrayed. You need to write it and need to hear other people opinions. I do to, but sometimes they scare me and I wonder how I can even hope that my H will ever come back, or even want to or if he does how our marriage will survive.<BR> Sometimes I wonder why I even what him to come back. Do I still love him? Why do I evewn try he doesn't care. He is not the man I have loved for so many years. <BR> Sometimes I wonder why I can't quit crying and feeling so lousy.<BR> Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to get on with my life. I feel if I am at a stand still or if I'm moving it is in slow motion.<BR> Sometimes I wonder if any decision I make is right. I'm so full of doubts about everything I do. Every decision I make I keep going over and over did I make the right decision.<BR> Sometimes I wonder how I got to this place in my life? What I did wrong, Why can't I fix.<BR> Someetimes I wonder what he saw in her that made him turn into the uncaring, unfeeling person. Who thinks her fanily is so important but won't even check on his own.<BR> Sometimes I just wonder.<P><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS,<P>Just wanted to know that you are not alone. I feel that way alot. I won't go into a lot of history as my profile is up to date.<P>H is still living in apt., spends time with us but always sleeps there. My young boys miss him terribly even though he does spend a lot of time here. They know this is not normal. That everyone elses dad lives with them in our neighborhood.<P>My h had a kidney transplant one year ago yesterday. Sometimes I wonder if the prednisone is playing a part in all of this. I can't blame it all on the prednisone as the affair started years ago but maybe it is making it harder to end and get over his guilt. Just a thought.<P>Hang in there. We all know how you feel. Why do I still love him? Do I even want him to come home? When will I stop obsessing?<P>Hoping

SDS....I'm sorry you are in such pain. I know it is hard. I'll be praying for you...

Thanks Hoping and No Trust. You know I think it might make things easier if I could only understand how a person can changes so much, to do a complete turn around, foresake everything and everybody that haas been so important in his life. I've read everything I can get my hands on about midlife crisis about addictions. But I still can't get it throught my head. But I want a guarantee that he will be back and there isn't one. I geet so jealous when I read about all the people who are trying to make their marriage work, h**l, I am jealous if you aare in contact with your S even if it is all negative. I am getting nothing. It is almost like he has walked off the face of the earth. No one know anything. Before he left he wouldn't even fight with me all he could say is you are right. He wouldn't fight with me afterhe left he would just walk away, or he would say something that would cut deep then walk away. Things like our son would just have to get over it. ( dealing with the stress after a transplant and his father walking out. if I wasn't careful he would file bankruptcy and where woould I be. This was when I asked hime to pay a few bills that were in his name. I pay all the big ones house medical, and I don't have a job. That he didn't really go to break it off but to go to stay with her.) He couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me anything. He was so cold to his parents. Wouldn't talk to his sister. If I didn't know better I would say he had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a look a like because the man that looks like my H was not him. I keep going back over the whole summer and all the times he told me he cared and loved me and didn't want to leave was he lying then, I know he was lying about seeing and talking to her. <BR>I figured out why I am so depressed tonight. Sunday I have to back to my house to do some work on it and so hopfully it will sell very quickly. Everytime I have to go back and deal with things like this I go into a depression until it is all over and I don't to think about it for awhile. I hate what he has done to his family and what I have to give up because of this. But I would give anything for him to walk through the door and say he was home. I would take him back with no questions asked (okay there would be a few okay alot of questions) So guess I am going to wallow in my self pity for awhile this weekend. Thanks for your support.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS,<BR>The complete personality change is the hardest part to deal with - I don't understand how my H could have given up his kids and everything else he was interested in for her. Everything that defined who he was has changed. Even if I had somehow been able to know he would leave, it would never have occurred to me that he would want to see his kids so infrequently. If someone had told me a year ago that he would be willing to live in a condo and drive almost an hour each way to work, I would not have believed them. I have never had personal or even second-hand experience with someone changing so drastically - I have known only four people in my life whose SO was unfaithful (to my knowledge, anyway), and in three of the cases, I had always thought the SO was a selfish jerk.

Di- plese read my more recent post directed especially to you. I read a book last weekend titled. "After The Affair" and something it said has stayed with me-- "The biggest threat to recovery is loss of hope". As hard as it is to do for us women (who have been programmed to be nurturers), we must concentrate on US right now. Take the energy you used to use for him and use it for YOU. Commit random acts of kindness towards you-- buy yourself a bouquet of fresh flowers (I have been and it brings me joy to look at them), go to a movie with a friend. A good friend I have at work who is helping me immensely through this crisis invited me over to her house to watch a rented video last weekend when her husband was out of town. It reminded me of the times I used to have slumber parties with my girlfriend's in highschool. It brought back fond memories and made me feel good. Don't worry about the future as hard as that is. As we navigate through all of this pain, we might just find a better life for ourselves while THEY are contemplating the 'meaning of life and trying to find themselves'!! The biggest thing we have to fear is fear itself!!!!!