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between being "responsible TO" your spouse and "responsible FOR" them?
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In what context? You are responsible TO honour your vows to your spouse. You are responsible FOR your part in the marriage. If you mean, are you responsible for your spouse if he/she goes and robs a bank, then no, I don't think so.
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Ok, how about in the context of how your spouse feels about something?
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I would say that Responsible TO for me would be that I am accountable for my actions and part in the marriage.
I would say that Responsible FOR is the unhealthy part of my codependent relationship that I've been trying to change because I am NOT responsible FOR my spouse.
That's just my opinion of the phrases.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Ok, so, my spouse has an affair.
He is responsible TO the action of trying to fix it.
He is not responsible FOR how the other spouse feels?
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An adult is "responsible for" their kids, pets, paying bills on time, etc.
I think "obligated to" might be a better choice of words.
You are responsible for feeding your children.
You are obligated to stay faithful to your spouse, rather than behave like a prostitute.
Divorced
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I would say it this way.
You are not responsible FOR the Affair that he had, he is responsible FOR that. Therefore, he is also responsible for the Recovery aspect.
He is also responsible TO be accountable to you through radical honesty.
It's probably just semantics. We all have our own responsibility. And his actions have caused you harm. You are in control of how you feel, but he has done something to severely hurt you and needs to make amends for that.
IMHO
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Ok, just asking because the MC really stresses this. I do sorta scratch my head over it because I think ... hey, wait a minute, he has x amount of affairs over a 25 year marriage, I find out about it. I am devestated. But, he is not responsible for how I feel?
I think he likes being told he's not resp0nsible for how I feel. It gets him off the hook. so to speak.
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I think a person is soley responsible for how they feel to a point. You always have control over your emotions. However, if someone does something hurtful to you (ie affair) then the feeling you feel are quite natural and the someone should not expect you to feel anything other then what your feeling. There is an appropriate reaction for everything.
I get the feeling that your H is telling you that you need to get over and move past his affair, that it's your fault for holding on to the pain. That's just BS, your emotions are there to protect you.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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I agree with only.
We are responsible FOR our behavior, and have a responsibility TO own it and the ways it impacts others.
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He's been told that he's not responsible for how I feel, by a counselor.
So, if I am triggered, if I am feeling down, if I am struggling in any way ... his typical response is to leave me to go off in a corner and lick my wounds.
He knows I'll be back, eventually.
Then he's all smiles. But I still feel like $hit on the inside.
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A point you may bring up with your husband and counselor is something Harley talks about in the infidelity DVD.
If we believe that we can be responsible for contributing to another's happiness, why do we not believe we can be responsible for contributing to someone's unhappiness?
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rl, it really is irrelevant. IMO it is splitting hairs and getting you both away from the real issue at hand. Your H had As during your M. One of the consequences is that you were traumatized and are now dealing with all the damage piled on you and your M. One of those consequences is feeling really, really bad. That's just the way it is.
What you are responsible for is trying to heal yourself, and if you choose, doing what is necessary to heal the M. There are no shortcuts through this mess.
What your H is responsible for if he wants to help you heal, and the M, is whatever the heck it takes. If you need for him to sit with you and your awful feelings, then that's what he needs to do. So ask your MC if you use the word "consequence of" instead of "responsible for" if that would be OK.
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Perhaps speak to your WH (and MC) and tell them that while you understand these feeling are yours, it is important for you that your WH be more sensitive to them and to deal with them in a more sympathetic manner. Exactly what do you want him to do when you are triggered and down? Tell him that. Put the onus on him to provide you the type of support that you need.
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This sounds like a boudaries issue. In some sense, your counselor is right I think. You can't make him do something about how you feel. However, you have the right to shut him down and not risk yourself by loving him in return and allowing his actions to hurt you.
Your husband should know that what he is risking. He should know what you expect from him and how you will need to respond if he chooses not to try and meet your expectations.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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After two years of MC, I'm done. They helped in some ways. In others, they have just caused me a whole lot of confusion, which I don't need.
I don't want to paint FWS as an SOB who does not try. He does. However, there are some tough issues we are stuck on.
I have told him, numerous times, what I need. He honors them, half-heartedly for awhile. Then he doesn't, I think, because he has the counselors' advice in his back pocket - "You're not responsible for her feelings, FWS."
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oh, and CV - the counselor does use the word consequence a lot. But somehow, everything she talks about just get jumbled up for me.
For instance, they say, "You must have BOUNDARIES!." Real big on the boundaries thing.
So, I get brave and place a "boundary."
Then, FWS's IC tells him that I'm being too "controlling."
So which is it, fellas?
What the heck do they want from me?
That's why i'm done with 'em.
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There is nothing selfish or controlling about maintaining a boundary. Have you read the boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend? It talks over several scenarios where we are tempted to drop our boundary for the sake of being good, guilt or whatever, and explains why we should maintain that boudary.
edit - And sorry if bringing up the boundary thing again isn't sounding good to you.
Last edited by dkd; 08/25/08 02:28 PM.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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dkd, I'm DOWN with the BOUNDARIES!
But why do I get slammed with being too "controlling" by a counselor, no less, when I try to enforce one?
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He's been told that he's not responsible for how I feel, by a counselor. First, don't be so quick to believe that unless you heard the counselor say it with your own ears. Second, if his counselor really did say that, he is incompetent and a replacement should be sought. Third, hit your husband in the family jewels with a heavy object, then explain to him that "you are not responsible for how he feels". Sometimes I am still amazed at how completely ignorant educated, adult humans can be.
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