One month ago I found out that my H had a one year A while we were living in a foreign country. His betrayal tore my heart into pieces. We are back in the US and he has no contact with the OW. We are in counseling which helps some days. He is very remorseful and he is doing everything to show me how sorry he is. He says that the affair was strictly physical. He also says that he has no feelings for the other woman. Do you think its possible to have sex with someone for almost a year and not develop any feelings?

My H says he always told the OW that he loves me and would never leave me.

I am hurt, confused and insecure.

Cobol_Girl,
Welcome to MB!

You found out a month ago, when did you find this website? Have you been able to read Dr. Harley's articles here or have you purchased Surviving An Affair?

You are in good company here, unfortunately, but fortunately. Continue to post and you will get support and feedback.

Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts can give you a map to begin to recover your marriage and develop an Affair proof marriage so that you can heal and hopefully not have to go through this again.

Good luck and God Bless!

Yup - the OM in my case did it with TWO women (including my FWW) while cheating on his GF. Your WH basically used the the OW to fill that particular need for him. In fact, if I was you, I'd be very concerned that he was apparently capable of doing something like that without any emotional attachment, because it quite likely will happen again.

This isn't about "loving you and never leaving you". It's about NOT doing those things that hurt you so much. That's why you're feeling so confused and insecure - you're not sure that you can trust him to never hurt you like that again.

Cobol_girl:

How did you find out?

Did he confess or did you find some type of evidence and confront him?

If he confessed it is actually a good sign for eventual recovery.

Thank you for your response. You are so right in that I am very concerned that my WH was able to have sex once a month with a woman for a year and not develop feelings. I would have never thought in a million years that he would ever do something like this.

I am spending hours readking Dr. Harley's books and website information but I still feel like my soul is being torn apart. We have started counseling which has helped but I don't know how I will ever respect and trust my WH again.

BW (me)
FWH (him)
06/2006 - 06/2008: EA/PA with former coworker

The OW text my H at 2 a.m. I called her and asked her why she was texting my H. She told me that they were having an affair. I immediately asked my FWH and he confessed. He has given me all the details of the affair and he seems to be really sorry but its still so hard.

CG,

Your husband sounds like he is very capable of unattaching himself emotionally from the OW...which means that he is also capable of doing it to you as well.

With the ease of hurting you when there wasn't even any emotion involved in the A tells me that he will easily be able to continue to lie to you.

You say that he had sex with her "once a month?" This is a lie. Just one of many that he is telling you right now. Lying is just par for the course for a WS whp has just been caught.


He didn't care about hurting you, and will continue to lie about the A until he is 100% committed to recovery.

Continue reading up on MB concepts and what members will tell you......but also brace yourself for more "trickle truths" from your WH.

Sorry you find yourself in this sitch.

The OW lived 3.5 hours from where we lived. She worked for another branch office where my H worked. He traveled once a month to the other location. You are also right that I am concerned that my H can emotionally detach from the OW and apparantely he emotionally attached from me during the affair. We are in counseling and he is working really hard at opening up to me.

WS's will go to great lengths to get their "fix". OW has never been in the town you live in? A 3.5 hour drive is 1 hr 30 minutes if they met half way...that is nothing for a WS.

My husband told me that she drove to our town once and they had sex during lunch. That really hurts because we worked at the same company and we would have lunch every day except for one day when I couldn't find him for about two hours. When he reappeared that day he told me he was off-site working (ouch!)

I still don't understand how he could have just had sex with someone else and came back to my office and looked into my face and lied. The entire affair was hard, but that was one of the hardest that I still have a difficult time dealing with.

I'm sorry, but that 1 time she came to town to see your husband probably wasn't the only time.

DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS RIGHT NOW !!!!!!!

He probably told the other woman he could not leave you yes. Its also possible the A ended because you all left that country.
One yr of sex and no emotion is hard to believe.There ust have been some emotions unless it was a prostitute client relationship you come have sex pay leave. There must have been dinners, gifts etc.He may not have loved her like he loves you, but there was some emotions involved.

Thanks for your reply. I also believe that he had to have some feelings for her after sleeping with her that long. He swears he didn't develop feelings for her. He said that she came to his hotel room, they slept together and she left the next morning. He said that they didn't talk about much. There was a language barrier, but she spoke some English. He only saw her when he traveled to the other office where she worked. He stayed the night there once a month. Besides the time he left for lunch for two hours without me and disappeared he and I walked to work together, ate lunch together, walked home together and spent every afternoon and weekend together. That is why I was so flabbergasted when I found out about the affair. I guess you never really know someone even when you think you do.

We are in counseling and I pray that it helps me to understand how he could have had this affair and looked me in my face while living a lie.

They all did. That's one of the things we all have a hard time with. There is no understanding it.

Has he told you how this started? I wonder how she got involved in emotionaless sex with a language barrier.