I was remembering the day she confessed to the A. When she told me, my first words were "Do you know all the women I skipped having an A w/ over the years!!" I think that was what pissed me off the most, was that I had come so close to getting involved, yet managed to pull away before it went too far for fear my marriage would be toast as my W would have never forgiven me. Did anyone else have this reaction? I just feel I must have been very proned to an A myself as my first reaction was upset that I hadn't taken the plunge over the years when the opportunity had arisen. IT STILL PISSES ME OFF, and I basically was allowed a sanctioned RA, but nope, still pissed. IS THAT WEIRD FOR BH OR THE NORM?

I went through (still am) almost 7 years of dealing with the most jealous person I've ever met (my W). Just to have her screw the first guy that paid attention to her. So ya....one of my first reactions was "WTF?...I've been ignoring and being downright rude to every woman who has shown ANY interest in me in the last 7 years...FOR YOUR BENEFIT...just to have YOU cheat on me?.....WTF?????"

Probably a BIG reason I felt inclined to have a ONS RA.

I hear ya.

edit:

To answer your question...

If your reaction was strange....so was mine.

Every reaction is strange... I laughed... and wanted to puke at the same time

When DH told me his RA was a lie *9yrs ago* I kept telling him see what I did wasnt so bad after all.

Maybe my D-day was something out of the norm...

I got no confession. I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me and she said, "No. Why do you ask?"

Then I laid out what I had discovered. :twobyfour:

Denial followed.

More evidence was presented.

More denial: "We're just friends" and that kind of bovine excrement...

So I showed her the first three pictures she had sent him and told her what time each was sent...

"We were just getting to know each other" was the reply.

And I said, "When you're getting to know someone, you send them a picture of the kids and the cat...Not this..." and dropped the next picture in her lap.

Dead silence...

Finally I got, "I'm going home." (We were at our vacation cottage)

And I said, "You gonna be there when I get home?"

"I don't know."

And I said, "I guess I'll find out when I get there..." :MrEEk:

As she walked out the door she turned and asked, "What are you going to do?"

And I said, "I don't know that either, but you'll find out when I do."

She called me that night and we talked.

The next day she talked to OM then called me and said she wanted a divorce. I said, "There's always time for that."

The following day she left work early to spend the night with me.

The next morning she called OM while on her way to work 15 minutes after leaving me and called an hour later to tell me she would never give him up.

And I said, "It's your choice" and hung up...

I actually discovered it while at work as I checked her company cell phone bill to make sure I had put them on the right package and they weren't getting killed by overages...

Used her company phone...

Nope. You can't fix stoopid... :crosseyedcrazy:

And since I am the hacker of the family her emails were easy and the pictures and stuff left traces all over the drive...

Didn't even rename the pictures I took so it was easy to see which ones got sent...

I began exposure that night. I even considered calling OM's house, but since she was right next door to him (visiting family) and over 400 miles from home I waited two days for her return and her trip to join me at our cottage. Besides, I had and still have nothing to say to him that he needs to hear. He knows what I think of him already. :RollieEyes:

30 years earlier and I might have driven the 400 miles and killed them both.

But I'm much better now...

Mark,

Were you as calm that day as I perceive you to be based on your post?

Just curious because Docp appeared to be very calm when I was confessing, but much later when asked, said he was only calm on the exterior. He said he actually was shaking and felt physically ill.

LC

LC,

Yeah I was cool as a cucumber...on the outside...

It was forced because my other choice was to just drop dead of heart failure. Don't know that pain is the right word to describe how I felt. Maybe anguish is a better fit.

I did pretty well at controlling the anger part, which I think really scared her. Since AOs have always been a way of life for me it seems, or at least she perceives that to be the case, when I am dead calm, it's because I am deadly serious.

I got not a lot of argument from her. It might have been that she was overwhelmed by how much I knew, or seemed to know since I made a bunch of assumptions which proved to be correct.

I think I was able to remain calm because I began thinking about how this would go down on Friday morning when I found the phone calls. Then after staying up all night Saturday to snoop on the PC and heading off to our cottage on Saturday afternoon and then still having till Sunday afternoon to think about it, I had stuff all laid out in outline form and had pieced together dates, times, events surrounding those things...James Woods would have been proud...

I had also by then talked to two of her three sisters, her friend in KY (waited for her to be on the way home for that call), our pastor, her best friend, and had sent an email to her boss that he wouldn't get till Monday morning.

I also had talked to a friend of mine and he had helped me a tremendous amount and at that very moment I knew that he and a group of guys from his church were praying for me to remain calm and not do anything stupid...

In retrospect, if I had waited until I understood Plan A it might have been an easier first few weeks, but then again, if I had waited another couple of weeks things might have gone very differently in that she might have stayed in Kentucky some weekend when she was down there for a visit.

Yeah, I pretty much wanted to puke...

Mark

Just for clarification, is D-day the day you, the BS, discovers the existance of the A, or the day the BS confronts the WS and gets a confession?

I'm just asking because my reaction was a little different, but things happened a little in reverse for me. One day we're having a lovely dinner out with friends, followed by tender SF at home. The next day, he's sitting me on the couch to ask for a D, giving me the ILYBNILWY crap and swearing up and down there was no A. I cried but was relatively calm in the sense I wasn't angry or breaking things. 5 days later was a different story. That's what I consider D-day since that's when he actually fessed up (and only because by then, my GF had warned me he was exhibiting all the signs of an A so I openned a separate bank account and had my pay deposited into it - he had just cleaned out the joint account before asking for the D and flipped out that he couldn't have my next pay as well :RollieEyes:). Anyway, in his rage I told him that I couldn't trust him because nothing he had said or done in the previous 5 days made sense so he confessed to the A.

So what should I consider D-day? The ILYBNILWY day? The next day when my GF flagged his behavior? Or the day he actually confessed?

Can understand this completely.

I didn't have to deal with jealousy, but there were some moments which I look back on.

She often got on my case about wearing my wedding ring with my flight suit. I was in the habit of not wearing it. Fingers get ripped off in airplanes when rings and emergencies mix.

So we don't wear jewelry.

She got upset over this a few times.

There was also the woman with the foot rubbing incident when I deployed. She wanted me to rub her feet. I ignored the request.

Told exww about it and she was internally unhappy whenever seeing this other woman. Granted, it made me feel good she was protective of "her" man.

Then there was a day when I put on some cologne with my flight suit. I was worried I stunk because I was rushed and didn't get a chance to shower that morning before heading out. So I threw on a little cologne.

Exww smelled it on me when I came home and asked me if there were women in my squadron (when we first got there). I explained why I put on cologne and asked her why she was concerned.

She referenced my dad, who cheated, and said, "the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree."

I also look back at my behavior when I was deployed and my restraint.

I looked down on some of my buddies of making over the top comments regarding women in movies or whenever they would say, "check her out!"

They were married and I felt that was inappropriate and vocalized it a few times.

And finally there was a woman I worked with that I was very attracted to. She was pretty average looking, but had an incredible personality and was in awesome shape, which made her very attractive.

I avoided her like the plague.

So I come home to find out she was out with 5 different men that I know of and flirted with many more.

While part of me feels stupid that I was restrained in my behavior, I'm also proud of it and would do the same in the future.

I consider D-Day as the day my husband admitted that he had slept with another woman.

I don't think it's strange at all.

I resent FWW for the fact that I was 100% faithful to her from the day we started dating.

I should've been spreading my seed all over my region of the country.

It'll be interesting to see how I react when the next opportunity presents itself.

I think you've already answered that question, Krazy. lol

I knew something was amiss when my wife was insisting I go and find myself a secret girlfriend.

I had MANY opportunities to play around with a couple of chickies, but was vocally committed to my wife.

Yes as a matter of fact I did feel like an idiot for not taking on every last one of them.

I wish I had their phone numbers now.

Next chance I get, it's showtime. Yeah yeah yeah, it's gonna set a few of y'all off, but I ain't married no more.

Pariah,

There was a certain female friend of mine and my W's that W was more jealous of than any other woman. If I would have known W was going to pull this crap...I would have taken a run at this woman at the drop of a hat. And, I wasn't even the least bit attracted to her...if that says anything.

Not necessarily.

Part of me despises infidelity, and wishes we had laws more like the hardcore areas of the Middle East.

The other part wants to go nuts...decorate the landscape, if you will.

Man
I can't tell you how sorry I feel for all you guys pain. Right now, it doesn't LOOK LIKE my wife is having an affair, but if she does, I don't know WHAT I'd do.....really don't. The THOUGHT that someone else would laugh with, eat with, and touch the woman I have been with for close to 30 years just makes me weak at the knees, nauseates me, and infuriates me at the same time. In fact, if it does happen, and the marriage doesn't rebound, I'm gone, atta here.

I mean, I live where I live because from a very young age, I was raised, grow up, get a job, marry and have kids. Divorce NEVER EVER entered the picture. So, if I'm not married, I'm gone..Hawaii, costa rica, Nova Scotia, Thailand, Boca del toro, I don't care as long as I NEVER EVER run the risk of EVER seeing my wife walking, driving, or talking with her new man. That would be INSTANT insanity.

And unfortunately, any big events for my kids would be shot too.
And they could blame their MOM for that.

Again, hats off to you guys, you all have a lot more guts that I do.

I did just that.

She HATED my old girlfriend that she had only met once at my twin brother's wedding. I didn't even speak to old girlfriend, but wifey pegged her off the bat.
Wifey was jealous for no reason, I had no interest in old GF because she was married and I was what I thought was happily married.

Anyways when I discovered my wife's affair and her subsequent hit out on me, my twin brother told old GF.

So, after my LSA I called old GF up and she paid me a visit AT the courthouse RIGHT AFTER we signed the LSA and STBXW saw her.

Yeah, I know it slammed XW in the dirt right there and then as she told me when she dropped me off on the side of the road too crippled to walk home, "you are going to be alone and miserable for being such a bad husband, nobody is going to want your crippled @ss".