wmf,

Hey, I can yell "don't do it" but for some reason I do it anyway!!!!






2b1,

One of the things you need to see is that your husband is at home. He is working on recovery. He really is doing that.

I promise you that if he was not interested in recovering, he would be doing other things. As imperfect as it might seem, he is doing the reading and the counseling. Those are important.

Something you need to be careful about is trying to manage his recovery. You have your own. Be aware that the timelines - yours and his - do not align. He goes through different things than you do, and so you cannot expect his thoughts to be the same as yours. You can want him to feel things, but that will not make it happen.

Your best plan is Plan A. Avoid LB's and DJ's. Make the home a place that is safe and welcoming. It has to be the place where he finds his best friend

you are his best friend

be that.


People fall in love with their best friends - you married your best friend and so did he.

Remember that. Help him remember that.

Be good to yourself and remember the things about yourself that are strong and positive, because those are the things he is looking to find.

Find them and show them to him.

SB

well, my fellow BS's....sorry we have to be that together.....but to all of you ~

thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you again for the big 2x4 of clarity and reality here.....

i just got back from my walk and yes, i do feel refreshed and in a different frame of mind.... i was able to read and receive all of your advice.

yes, i have many things to be thankful for....true, one of them is NOT the A, but very true that my DH is here at home WITH ME, he IS doing the counseling with jennifer (his idea actually) and he's reading the suggested books. AND we've had many good days, we just happen to be having a few bad ones all in a row.....

but i should know (by experience actually) that we WILL have good days again!

yes, i have LB's in my posts.....i figure they are better done here than at him, which today there were two times i specifically remember seeing a huge LB flashing in my brain which helped me remember that i really don't want to LB! and i didn't! yeah!

i'm getting better at the DJ's too (well, i think i am....i hope he does). i actually deleted a couple things today from an email to him because i was afraid he would take it as one....

for the most part i try to plug ahead.... yes, it's hardest when he rejects me, but i know i can keep pushing my way through even if he never appreciates anything i have done.

i believe someday we will be best friends again. i will keep uncovering all the strong and positives i possess and present myself as pleasant as possible to my DH....

i have a lot to read again (all your posts), but they are all so worth it and i'm sure i will glean more from them again and again.

thank you again for taking the time to share with me.....care about me (about us)....and to lend some advice that worked for you guys. i want to learn from you all....thanks for trying to help make my recovery road a little less painful....

i will keep a smile on my face even in the tough times.

my H is on his way home from the gym. i'm gonna fix his dinner and see what i can do for him our few hours left we are awake....

i will be helping our daughter pack tomorrow for college (we leave friday morning) so i may not be on much....but i'm sure i'll check to at least read what you guys have for me...

thanks. gotta go.

my H just got home and is showering....i told him....no, i 'asked' him if he minded, that i wanted to 'preview' my post... something a little funny - - today when i was emailing...i found myself looking for the 'preview post' when i was done... lol

anyway, my H said you (SB) posted to him tonight....didn't say what though. he also said jennifer called him just before he was getting ready to leave the gym. i said, 'really?' (surprised).... i asked what she said... he said, 'she didn't say discuss it with your wife'.... and he had a grin on his face. i chuckled and left it alone... he'll tell me if he wants to and it's really ok if he doesn't. i totally trust jennifer to help us through this time... she's great!

he seems in a better frame of mind....as am i... i told him earlier i hoped we had a good evening tonight as we tried to spend our half hour together of undivided attention. :-) i hope we can talk nicely.....and NOT about our situation.... just be together and talk about whatever.... maybe the tattoo our daughter just got.... ouch! it sure looks like it hurts...

ok. i really gotta go. want to get his dinner ready...he's out of the shower.

good evening to you guys. :-) and again, thanks!

2b1again

I am so happy to hear a positive tone in your posts

Wishing you a wonderful day(s) ahead

Make sure to take time out to care for yourself as you go thru your day and help your DD thru her college prep.

good morning wmf,

i am learning that i need to just be more positive - - in everything! see the good in things..... why is it our human nature to pull out and dwell on the bad things in life... ????

we had a good evening. :-) we talked for quite a while....till almost 12:30 a.m... it was just good conversation and sharing....some of it tough, but overall it was good.

we are just in a lull right now, but hopefully pulling out now... WE will make it.....we WILL make it....we will MAKE it.......we will make IT! WE WILL MAKE IT... :-) (i think i can, i think i can).... :-)

i have much work to do today so i better get going for now. will play catch up later.

thanks for the well-wishes on taking our daughter to college.... i'm wondering if my H's moodiness lately has been because of his knowing and realizing another daughter is leaving the nest..... he mentioned taking the AD medication (which he took one pill before and refused to take it anymore cause it gave him an upset stomach... i tried to get him to switch the time he was taking it but he wouldn't even try.....) i will wait for him to ask.... don't want to nag that's for sure.. the dr said dinner time is probably a better time to take it with his meal instead of in the morning with very little on his stomach...

well, it's a new day and i'm keeping the corners of my mouth are turned up. :-) thanks for checking in...
have a great day!

I am glad you had a good talk. Its nice to spend some time practising the wonderful concept of radical honesty. Usually I feel more relived that I have been able to say alound what I had been denying to myself all along. So its really more a benefit for me than my H so I hope you are seeing some of the benefits of being "unburdend" of all that you have been feelign recently.
I will caution you not to make the same mistake I made which was marathon after marathon which led to exhaustion and LBs and the backward progress cause it took 2 days to recover from the physical exhaustion of each marathon sleepless night.

So now that you have had one last night MAKE SURE TO CONCIOUSLY avoid one in the near future. JLR recomnded a timer idea to me 30 minutes and no matter what end the converstion. I have been cheating and using 45 minutes ( but dont tell her LOL). BUt you get the idea.


I am happy to see you on a more postive note about "WE" and that makes me

At the same time I hate to be broken record but I would love to see the "I will make it"" part.
The reason I keep harping on that is that after "We" started getting better "I" still remained unhappy and it started to affect the "WE" . Now that I am keeping tabs on both, there are fewer steps backwards. I have lots of triggers and still speeding on the bullet train making all kinds of stops on the stations of hurt, anger, pain, happiness, sadness and not to mention insanity. What I am better able to do is at each stop identify the cause and force myself to do something to switch tracks.
Sometimes it works better than other days but I am really trying to make sure I am preventing myself from going backward. Hi I guess I am saying I wanna-move-forward LOL.
Sorry coudnt resist

brought some boxes in for packing and couldn't resist checking the posts..... lol

my H is the one that did all the talking last night....i was ok with it, i could see the pain coming out and leaving him a little at a time.... i just wanted to set the record straight that i wasn't the one that started the 'A' talk at all..... i was very careful not to LB too....(i don't think i did) but really, we talked about a lot of different stuff too...not just that. :-) it was something he needed i guess. and it wasn't so much talking about the 'A' as it was what sends him back to it....my LB, etc.... gotta get that perfected for sure.

i told him that even though i am trying not to LB at him, the fact that i am still sarcastic and LB'ing on the post is probably not a good thing.. by continuing to LB here (in my posts) it is not teaching myself to fully let it go and be done with LB'ing completely. he understood that i needed to 'vent', but i will be more careful now...

he wanted to go over what i had written down as far as his EN's.... i think i had it almost word for word..... :-)

i will certainly be on guard this weekend - - well, the trip home on sunday, NOT to talk about the A. i will make it about my H on the way home. we'll have our music, cd's, books, etc. he may even want me to drive so he can sleep a little or read himself, etc....

i'll be ready for whatever he needs...

as far as saying 'I' will make it.... i know i will - - with or without him (and as you know, i prefer it be WITH him) :-) but either way, i will continue to work to improve myself physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. :-) i feel better when i do things to help myself - - -so why don't i do them more regularly...... it's a rut i have to get out of...

my friend and i both are anxious to get started at the gym and begin losing our 'baby' bodies.... lol i want my H to see and remember what it was he first fell in love with.....of course those boobs just aren't in the same place anymore....darn... LOL maybe some year i could get a lift.... ha ha

well, like i said the other day....i like your 'name' and i, too, 'wanna-move-forward'.... i want to get through the process too -- for me - - and for us... :-)

i'll be talkin' to ya i'm sure... :-)

p.s. my H just called and played a song for me through the phone..... 'Remember When'.... i smiled....and have tears in my eyes.... i love him and I 'remember when'.....seems he's tryin to too... :-) he said so....... God is blessing our broken road...

Seems like he got most of the benefit from the "unburdening" aspect of last nights talks. Well thats a good thing for him cause I am sure he needed that as well. Sometimes we brew too much in our own head and have all these "fears" of what will happen if I say them aloud and they are true. But once we say them (aloud that is) and the earth still continues to spin we realise that in the big scheme of things it wanst the thought that was burdening us just the "unspokeness" of it.
So I gald that he has things off his chest A related or otherwise.


Also I did not mean to suggest that you were bad bad bad and putting you on the defensive for talking about the A. Sorry If it came across as a :twobyfour:
It was a more of concern for keeping your pyhsical strenght up to get thru the day after a mentally healing and yet not getting enough sleep night.


Its nice that you have a work out buddy to keep you motivated . As for the boobs and baby belly. Get in line sister.. Been imagining my baby belly gone for 7 years now and as soon as there is a way to go there without dieting or working out or plastic surgery or pill popping I am there. LOL
In the meanwtime I am wearing those 2 piece bikin's all summer long this summer like there is no tomorrow. ( I blame the confidence lack of judgement on turning 40 past month)

And as for the boobs I think I all BS's psost I have read somewhere have that line about the lift. So I mentioned it to my H in one of my insane phases and he said
"Why" they are beautiful .
And it occured to me if the goal is to enhance them so that he would like them ME more and if he alreday likes them plenty enough what a fool am I to mess with Perfection

I love your H for playing the song to you and making you smile and attempting to show you that he loves you Its a great leap on his part for today and I hope that the smile he gave you stays with you all day .

you make me laugh!!!! i knew that when i typed 'let me set the record straight...' that it would take on a negative connotation....it didn't have one at all.... i should have put a silly face in there or something - - so, all is well, i wasn't down on you at all.... but i know what you mean about feeling the exhaustion from the marathon talks - - i do feel it and am emotionally and physically drained... we used to have those marathon talks when all this came out last year......



i am laughing while reading this...... why do we get caught up in having to look a certain way (defined by the world).... and yet, look at the world, it's a disaster - - filled with heart ache - - affairs, families ripped apart, anorexia - -and for what??? hoping to find that happiness that we long for that's deep inside us... well, you are right, i'm not working out for him (although i will love it if he ever tells me i look good)...but i'm doing it for me.... and i don't think i would really go through with any cosmetic surgery - - but it's a nice thought anyway huh..... this body represents all the torment i went through to get three wonderful kids into the world (of which, by the way, he helped create) :-) and the stresses of life through the years and now the stress that seems to be taking it's toll even more...ug! but, it's only for a time..... someday i hope my H really loves me again (i think deep down he really does), but in the meantime i will do all that i can to combat this aging process.... and then i'll continue doing it..... :-)

thanks for making me laugh.......

2b1,

I did post to your H. I float around sometimes, and put my 2 cents in where I think a push is needed. He needed to hear something and so I said it.


It doesn't matter if he talks about it with you or not. If it helped, it helped. That is the most important part. Whatever it gave to him, whatever it made him think of, or wherever it led his mind, if it pushes your marriage in the right direction, I am thrilled that he read it and actually remembered it!

But, believe it or not - you already know what I posted. You read it a long time ago when you first came aboard MB. It is something he also needed to read.

See, the WS and the BS are on very different recovery timelines. He needed to read it now, because he is ready for it. You needed it back then.

I think you have a good path ahead of you. Don't let your darker moments take over, because your path is a lot brighter than you may believe.

SB

SB,

thank you for your post and thank you for posting to my H. you are most insightful!! he didn't really say much about your post to him...the only comment he made when he got up was 'wow, she hit it on the head' - - or something like that...

i went back and read what fiori posted to me from you.....i hope someday we will be living a recovered marriage.

we took our daughter to college this weekend.... it actually went better than i thought - - but we were all sad.... she seems to like college life already....i'm sure not having to answer to mom and dad or anyone really.... i really think she's gonna surprise us and buck up and be just fine....

my H and i ended up having more time alone together than i think either of us thought.... the whole trip was pretty good, but he did tell me a couple 'triggers' that i was unaware of.....

so one night i told him one of my BIGGEST triggers......and that is, every single time he is not intimate with me (of which i feel is on purpose) or he is pleasured and i'm not - - that it is a HUGE reminder that 'she' is still ahead of me.... (hey, i made her smaller than me!!! lol -- i know, silly...)

don't know if i 'should have' shared this with him but i have felt that i have had to keep my mouth shut (not that i do) and walk on egg shells for him while he's in this so called 'fog' - - of which, by the way, is seemingly taking much longer than what i've been reading to get through the withdrawal period.....seems it's a few 'weeks'..... well, we're at a few 'MONTHS' already...... and yes, it's pretty discouraging....

i am holding on to that brighter path though....i know it's coming....

It's about time!

I second that

I am glad you are "TALKNG TO HIM" about "YOU"

thanks....i guess that means it was ok..... (my thought was why should he be the only that can share the triggers and what he wants me to stop, etc, so i guess i didn't care at that point)... but i did feel bad for the 'low' it seemed to spin him into....

today is a different day. we have a session with jennifer tonight...... hope it's a good one...

my H emailed me the scripture you recommended....i have the proverbs memorized (he does/did too). the psalms verse is one i have claimed.... and believe me, God is truly the one that has sustained me through this thus far...He knows how broken my heart is...

thank you, tst, for reaching out to my H.

thanks for the vote of confidence WMF....

yes, i finally got to the point of feeling i needed to tell him that - - although it wasn't until this weekend that i was really able to put my finger on my 'low' every time i felt rejected..... it is that 'she' is still in front of me and he's allowing it.

i see now what you mean about talking to him about ME... it's how I'M feeling, not that i'm trying to attack him....it's just how i'm feeling, etc. the same as he tells me how HE feels, etc.... i see the difference too in doing it in a loving way and not a LB'ing way.....

i will try to be in touch with my feelings and write things down and wait for the right time to share it or when i can get a grip on the right wording, etc so i'm not LB'ing..

thanks!

just wanted to thank everybody for helping my H and i.....i'm sure i will again....

i met my H for lunch today (didn't know i was going to as he didn't come home at usual lunch time so i 'assumed' he wasn't coming home so i went ahead and ate by myself).

anyway, he had bought a card and placed it in my menu so i would see it when i opened it.... but since i wasn't eating i moved the menu off to the side and the corner of the card came out.... wasn't sure what it was.... he handed it to me...

in a nutshell he wrote that he is deciding to move forward - - just don't know exactly how but to focus on me and us as we continue our journey.

yes, i cried and the waiter wasn't quite sure what was going on as he came to take my H's order...... i hope my H really means these words this time as i was burned in january when he gave me my ring back (just before christmas) only to have him 'turn' again in january......i am choosing to believe he does mean it this time..... he told me recently in an email that it really is a pathetic way to live (flipping back and forth between what's right (me and the kids) and OW (doesn't really give a rip about him OR me OR our kids) and that he's tired... [that's my interpretation of what he was saying his email]

BUT, i will 'choose' and 'decide' to focus on us as well and continue to move forward with him and help him as best i can while helping myself. that's why i want to say thanks to all of you too because i know this site has been a vital tool in helping us to continue moving forward.... and we will continue to be (moving forward) as we seek guidance from those of you who are ahead of us and are generous in their time and 'lessons learned' to share with us to hopefully make our ride of this rollercoaster a little less bumpy....

my H said he's really scared (in the card) but i will work to make him feel safe again....

we are going out of town this week again (for us this time) and will be gone until tuesday.... i'm looking forward to a more 'us' focused time. :-)

I am so happy for you.

Lil

well good day to everyone.....

we had a very good session with jennifer last night - - in my opinion... we are learning to give 'feedback' now.... which i think is good and will be a positive thing for us as we seek to 'perfect' meeting each other's ENs...

something about my H has changed - - in a good sense. i am beginning to see little bits of the real him coming back to the surface...

in fact, for the first time in i can't even remember how long ago.......i heard those three little words that everyone longs to hear.....or at least i have longed to hear in the past 15 months......yes, he said, 'i love you'.....a whisper as he kissed me goodbye, gave me a hug and went to the gym. i held him tightly and said, 'i love you too'......

even the embraces are different now...... he hugged me differently (tighter i think) when he came home from work yesterday.... in our session last night he was able to clarify just how he'd like to be greeted when he comes home from work....not just a kiss and hug - - but one with more 'feeling' and emotion with it.... i totally understand what he wants but i must say that for so long he hasn't wanted a kiss or a hug from me (or anything really) that i am a little reluctant to do too much as i don't want to be brushed off again....

i guess this is where trust will come into play won't it..... i have to trust him now that the words he wrote - - that he has decided to move forward with me and focus on us - - is what he really means. so i have to let go of the lack of trust i have in him and open my heart up and be just as vulnerable to him as he is to me....

i look forward to getting our 15 hours in each week and learning how to keep this in our schedule - - -making it the priority and experiencing all the new fun (and probably not so fun) things we have yet to do..... we have missed out on so much the last 13 years or so of our marriage due to the extensive traveling we did separately with our kids as they took us in different directions.

i think we both see the importance of spending out time together.....how we must make 'us' a priority....and frankly who cares what other's think about how much time we are needing to spend with each other.....they probably need the time together with their spouse as well....

again, i am so thankful for every part of MB that has infiltrated our lives....from the blogging, to the counseling, to the books we are reading, to the encouragement of new found friends we've never even met - - that would be all of you.

it is only mid afternoon and i'm looking forward to our time together this evening already.... i hope he's thinking about me too..... still makes me wonder when i don't hear back from him or hear from him at all throughout the day. although he did call me on his way to work and we talked about a few things before he got to his job (out of town today)....

a corner is being turned and i look forward when that turn is complete...

i walk tonight if it works out.... and i can't wait to be on our way thursday - - we're gonna have 4 whole days of just us (and 5 nights)....and two drives (one going and one coming home)..... love to daydream of how it will be.....

well, i have much work to get done (as always) and not much time to do it in.... just wanted to touch base with my supporters and faithful encouragers....

thanks so much....

2b1again

Do you see how sweet that was of him. Now I know why you looovveee him. Not only did he get you a card he tried to be romantic and playful about giving it to you + the message in there as positive and about the 2 of you.
Enjoy the moment
Here's to many more loving and romantic moments between the 2 of you in the near future


I am glad you are accepting his invitation to go onward and forward into this journey of recovery.

WMF,

yes, i know how sweet this was/is!! he is very thoughtful - - and creative! he even gave me a card about half way through our trip taking our daughter to college.....he said 'good job with D and congrats to us for raising such a fine D.' the card talked about learning to trust each other which is what we're learning to do...

i know it's the real him talking.....i just have to learn to let my guard down and let him in..... yes, i have chosen to stick by him through all of this mess - - for better or for worse...... well, the good is comin'....

i love him........