BFRH,

I’m glad to see that you are finally exposing to OMW. As a fellow Christian, I understand the concept of loving your wife like Jesus loved the church. I have also learned that the best way to love and protect a WW is to expose the affair. Her affair is hurting her even though she doesn’t understand that at the moment. The best thing for your WW long term is to end the affair and the best way to begin that process is to expose to anyone who can help break up this fantasy. It’s kind of like disciplining a child. It hurts you as a parent, but you do it anyway because you love them.

Just be prepared for the anger and venom that will come your way. The best thing you can do after exposure is to do your best to meet any of her EN that she will allow you to meet but do not apologize for exposing her affair. Remain firm that you will do everything within your power to end this affair and save your marriage, but at the same time, let her see you meeting her needs and being the best husband possible. She won’t recognize it for a few weeks, but if the affair truly ends, she will eventually look back and appreciate your efforts and that will go a long way towards healing your marriage.

One final word of warning, there are no guaranties that your best Plan A will save your marriage, but it is the best chance you have. Please understand that exposure is just the beginning and it will probably get worse before it gets better.

I wish you the best and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

What happened with exposure BigRed?...fill us in.

Just keep getting voicemail and I knows its them on the voicemail. Maybe its a old number with voicemail still on it.

We talked to my pastor yesterday. She said nothing. He didn't bring up the affair which kinda bummed me, he laid out what her actions were going to do. There is another pastor wife at church that went through similar situation and I am going to see if she will talk to her.

But yes my major prayer has been that God will convict her and break her down. The only way to save our marriage is true repentance on her part.

In our session with pastor I really confessed all my problems too her. Reading through this site I realized that when I thought I was taking care of her needs I actually had no idea what she needed. I was doing the things for her that I wanted her to do for me. I also confessed about a past EA that I had and problems with pornography. I dunno if this will help our hurt but I believe for our marriage to continue all the past sins on both sides need to be out in the open.

So the next step is MC tomorrow and have WW talk to the Pastors wife. If still no change maybe have 2-3 women from the church talk to her. If still no change then I will start to expose to our family and friends and close people in the church that do not know.

My brother really advised me to follow the Matthew 18 model of confronting sin in the body of the church.

So our marriage needs all you prayers. Pray for my continued "recovery" as far as meeting her needs and not doing any LBs. And help for continuing to lose weight, lost 23 lbs so far (I have found the miracle weight loss cure...infidelity.) She needs prayer that she will be convicted, broken down, and repent of what she is currently in. She talked to him on the phone for 48 minutes yesterday. She is so blind to how this is affecting her decisions. She says OM has nothing to do with it.

Thank you all for your help.

Why didn't you bring it up?



How many people do you plan to have "talk to her?" If this one doesn't work, here's another, etc. etc. etc. You remind me of that long ago commercial.


God helps those who help themselves. This is the truth. In my situation, it was only when I TOOK ACTION instead of sitting around "hoping" :RollieEyes: for an end to the affair that things started to change for the better.

When I took ACTION is when God stepped in and things started to turn around for me. He was waiting. I finally heard. Thanks to
MB.

The devil tried to stop me when I started to expose. LITERALLY. But I kept on truckin' with God right with me and I got it done.

Charlotte

Thinking back I guess I should of but the whole time he was talking I was really convicted about the past things I had done. Things that I had never asked her for forgiveness for.


I think I am helping my self but I am following the Biblical model. First step confront her with her sin. What I did with pastor and what pastors wife will do. 2nd step, take 2-3 people and confront her with her sin. If still no repentance 3rd step bring it before the church ie expose to our Christian friends and family so they can encourage her to repent.

The whole while I will try and contact OMW. But so far no luck which I think is God saying, not yet on that part.. but I will keep trying.

No it isn't.

We talked today. She said she is not contacting him anymore, but it doesnt change her decision to leave. She said once people found out about it was wasnt fun and secret. I guess she had told her sister and brother about it, without me knowing.

I will still keep checking her phone records. She apologized for the hurt she caused.

She said she is not open to recovery because she doesnt think the changes in me are real. She said that the changes need to happen without her around.

So Ill keep meeting the EN she will let me and avoid LBs.

She's lying BigRed...don't believe her. She probably didn't even tell her brother and sister any more than "my BH is such a control freak...you should see how he is watching over me like a hawk...he's paranoid". Talk to her brother and sister about it.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS [censored] !!!!!!

I'd bet my 401K that Introvert is spot on!!!

I wouldn't bet any money on this. Your WS is still very wayward. All of the things she said are the things that 100s of waywards have said, verbatim. If you read on MB for any length of time, you'll see those exact words or variations of the same over and over again.

I'm a Christian too BFR, and I gotta tell you, not exposing IMMEDIATELY is going to hurt you. I understand the biblical method of confronting your wife, and you SHOULD do this, at least when it comes to the church. However, it is apparent to everyone but you that she is NOT sorry and has no intention of repenting at this point.

Counseling? Waste of time and money as long as she is wayward (or in the wayward mindset). She will not respond.

YOU are giving her a free pass to continue. There are quite a few BH's on here that will tell you to draw your line in the sand TODAY. Not sure that's the way to go just yet, but you should defintitely be exposing and possibly confronting the OM to ask him what his intentions are with your WIFE.

She has said she is not contacting him anymore. She has apologized. Even though it was a weak apology but it was something. It was a "still in the fog" apology. From everything I can tell she hasn't contacted him anymore. The biggest evidence is that she doesn't sleep with her phone anymore. She leaves it out on the counter where I can see it.

I dunno what more to do or what to require her to do. Any ideas?

And for the most part it was exposed, all her family knew about it, and all my family and friends knew about it. They didn't put a lot of pressure, but it was the reason it stopped.


What would be drawing the line in the sand? And who else is there to expose it to?

And for the most part it was exposed, all her family knew about it, and all my family and friends knew about it.
How did they find out? Who told them?
If YOU didn't tell them personally then you don't know they've been told.

And who else is there to expose it to?
OMW.

She told them. I can ask them if she told.


OMW... No point if its over. If it was PA definitely but I wont interfere with him fixing things with his wife.

Just do it man. What are you so scared of?....besides the whole truth?

WW play book:

Claim to you BH that the affair is over and she told everyone that she had an affair.

WW's are known to not be truthful near d day.
Why do you believe WW without trying to confirm the truth?

OMW needs to be told no matter what. Wouldn't you want to know the truth about your own life? Wouldn't you want to know.
I believe you have a responsibility to do the right thing and tell her. To do otherwise is to be an enabler.

any chance that you can make an appointment with the Harleys for phone counseling?? I have heard from others on these boards that a couple of 1 hour sessions did a whole lot of good with coming up with a plan for receovery.

Just a thought

God Bless your path

Being a BH I have always looked at your situation from a BH POV, but reading Trix's post brought to light a whole other issue regarding this thing. If you do not tell OMW you are no better than your WW, in the sense that you are enabling her husband to continue sinning...plain and simple. OMW has every right to know what your cheating wife has been up to with her husband, and you have the responsibility to help put a stop to it. If you do not do it you will have to answer to God just as much as your wife does.

Right now you are just as irresponsible as your lying wife...maybe not as irresponsible as a cheater, but you are now just as bad as any liar out there.

Show some responsibility already and stop being a liar.

We BS's spend most of our days wondering just how the h3ll our WS's can even look themselves in the mirror because of all of their lies, and now I'm here trying to support a fellow BH who is just as much of an irresponsible liar as a WW is? Not anymore.

Not only that, but you have the key to making OMW pain less hurtful...and all you have to do is dial 7 digits to do it. But you have decided FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT that YOU are more important than the other innocent victim in this situation . You are very selfish...just so you know. You are here to ask others to help with your pain, but are to selfish to help someone else. Keep praying my friend :RollieEyes:

Screw it....I'm out.

Best of luck to ya.....see ya.....down under.

I been reading through the Q and A columns about surviving affairs and dealing with WWs. Not once does he mention exposure.

Plan A is used to separate WW from OM. If that doesn't work Plan B.

"If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, "

Direct quote from "Surviving an Affair". Plan A is used and exposure it not a part of Plan A. You need to negotiate with WW to stop contact. "Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands." Quote from Q and A.

I am really glad I did not follow all of your advice. You guys have been helpful in ways, but I think you being adamant in exposure is misleading to people.

Read through every Q and A about dealing with WWs. Tell me if you get the impression that exposure is part of Plan A.

I would not mind being proven wrong but I think you guys are misleading people.

Here are just TWO of Dr. Harley's posts from the weekend forum about exposure: