...this is like watching a Punch and Judy show!

We're the audience shouting "The bad guy is behind the curtain" and you're like Mr Punch, looking in all the wrong places, going "Where? Where? Where?"

Right now you have been outplayed and outmaneuvered.

Lets check an action replay -slow motion:

1. Texting/phonecalls is inappropriate. Why? Because it is private and potentially intimate, even in a crowd. Your wife knew the impact that discovery had on you.
2. She explained away her relationship with OM as a deep friendship. This just told you that she likes him more than you.
3. She changed the wording of NC. Subtle. The expression here at MB is that "she left food out..."
4. She phoned OM when she said she wasn't going to. Why could not Mrs OM phone for those tomatoes. Simple. Your WW wanted her daily "fix"
5. OM initiated a text message in direct opposition to your request. Why? His "deep friendship" is more important than respecting your boundaries.
6. He has gaslighted you by reassuring you that there is "nothing going on". It would be far more convincing if he apologized for calling her and assured you that he will stay out of the picture -for good.
7. She has complained that you do not involve yourself with social activities. Good plan. Now she can get her fix again when he participates in these same activities. Guess what? You feel guilty and let her go without you where OM is present.
8. This week-end activity is made out to be an off chance opportunity. Oh Please! She will make it happen.

Now lets look at you:

1. You are relatively new to marriage. Yes. You are green.
2. You don't listen too good. If you don't pay attention to us. How is it working out for your wife? Oh Yeah, she has found someone who listens to her already.
3. You are prepared to take risks with your marriage. Late night sessions, after-show BBQ, remote trips away. Frankly, this does not give your wife deep security, rather this devalues your importance of her.
4. Your priorities to not anticipate the consequences.
5. You are NOT meeting her needs. Like listening, admiring, validating her abilities, positive contact time.

...and now the OM:

1. Like all OM he has no baggage. No LB's = Love is always kept alive.
2. Common interests and goals with WW.
3. Genial character.
4. He buried you when he said that "He would never let his woman out so late" Buddy this is when you should have responded with a deep apology to W and OM, then enforced it. Ah well! Hindsight is always 20/20.
5. He is a close companion meeting many of her needs.

...and her:

1. Secretive
2. Manipulating
3. Dissatisfied. Even your SF can be to compensate for guilt with OM

My advice:

Temporarily confront OM and OMW for NC on the basis of your working on your marriage during this rocky period.

Conclusion:

I could be wrong but doubt that there is any PA in progress.
It's worse.
They are cultivating a deep enriching relationship that is being built up at the roots. This may take some time unravelling.

Very interesting analyisis. Im listening to what is being said otherwise i wouldnt be here.When i make what sounds like a silly naive statement its cause i want to see the answer from other angles, and im appreciating your responses. Like if i asked a class is it morally wrong to disconnect the lines to a family member whos been in a coma for ten yrs. Some will say yes n support the argument n others will say no n support it too. In the end you have the best.
Its Tue night and wife hasnt found someone to work for her on the weekend.Chances are very slim that she will.So she might stay in town.She knows im going to help my friend move to another state and will be there till next day.What she dont know is that im coming back same day.

Analyze this... an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Do not play games in this area of your life. Don't set her up, lure her into traps, or hide your head in the sand. Do get "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", read it, and apply it to your marriage.

I don't think you really understand what you are up against here. You have been married two years. It is not coincidence that most affairs don't make it past the two year mark. See, around two years, infatuation fades. In marriages, it means the honeymoon is over, and the reality of "until death do us part" earnestly kicks in. It isn't unusual for a couple to hit their first rough patch at this point. If your wife believes love is the same as infatuation, she will be wondering right now if she made the right choice. She will be thinking it is her heart rather than brain chemistry leading her to wonder why she no longer feels the same way about you, yet this other man is stirring up all those feelings of infatuation she used to hold for you.

You both need to make some changes and set up a solid, protective barrier around your marriage.

If a WS is determined, they will always find other means. My FWW kept her cell phone records secret, claiming all the while nothing was going on. I subsequently was able to access her records on-line, and discovered quite the opposite. When she learned I now could see her cell phone usage, as I later learned, she went out and bought a tracfone (prepaid cellphone). Where there's a will, there's a way.


That's about as long as it took my FWW. It then took less than 2 weeks, after she acknowledges falling in love with OM, to when they were in bed. Thereafter, they were together having sex about twice a week. Once they fall in love, things move quickly.

The question is, is it just a friendship, or has she fallen in love with him (i.e., has become infatuated with him). Unfortunately, at this point even she can't objectively answer that. But, if she has, then now a bunch of hormones are being released in her brain that is making her addicted to OM.

If she has fallen in love, be prepared for at least 6 months of utter hell.

That's called, "enabling the affair". Stop it.


Even if they don't have sex, they are still together and have time to solidify the bond between them. Just hearing each other's voice is enough to deepen their love for each other. No Contact does not mean a little contact, or supervised contact. There is a reason for NO CONTACT. Any contact between lovers only serves to cement and solidify their feelings between each other.

Ur right Galoot. Guess what too? I have some good news. She did not get a replacement to work for her so wont be going for trip. N not only that, she is very excited about the prospect of spending the weekend n labor day with me n two of her girlfriends.OM is still going out of state for this baby shower.

"Real Men" do not go to baby showers.

I have never gone to or wanted to go to a baby shower.

No guy I know has wanted to be the only man to go sit in a room with a bunch of women during a baby shower.

I have never been invited or know of a man that was invited to a baby shower.

I have never known of a bus of 20 coworkers and friends to charter a bus for a long weekend trip to attend a baby shower.

Your WW was out to early morning. Wants to go away with the OM over night. This points out to what your WW is doing.

WW is doing the OM.

Well, that is good news. But, though this battle may have been won, the war is not likely over, so to speak. You must still remain vigilant in insisting on no contact. My FWW went through cycles, where she felt guilty and tired of the lies and broke it off with OM, only to jump back into bed less than a week later. She apparently missed him too much.

A good test would be to watch her behavior after the weekend. After about 3 days of NC, a WS will really start to miss the OP, and will get really crabby and bitchy. If she doesn't get crabby, she's probably already contacted him again on the side. If she does, she's likely looking for ways to contact him. (sounds like a catch-22). Regardless, one weekend of no contact hardly means she's over him.

Yea im very vigilant. Im keeping track of all details like when she leaves hse, when she comes home and keeping record.So ill go back and check this against phone bill.

So what is she doing this weekend while you are moving a friend out? Is she staying at home by herself or going with you?

I think she should go with you. Even if its just 2 guys moving stuff. Only because while you are away a Cat can play!!!

And i will be going outta state too sat morning till sunday afternoon to help someone move. So she will be home and he will be outta state.

No she will stay coz she has to work.

... and you know this how ... because your WW told you??? :crosseyedcrazy:

The Road was right ... does it make sense that a GUY is going on a several hour bus trip with a bunch of other women for a baby shower???

Here's what your WW was likely thinking ...

GFORCE is going to be out of town moving his friend.

GFORCE thinks OM is going to out of state baby shower.

GFORCE thinks I have to stay and work.

OM can blow off baby shower and stay in town.

WW gets off work at adultery thrity.

Happy times with OM while GFORCE remains CLUELESS!!!

No i found out that OM is going outta town from other women on the trip and as per last night he was still going.

Your denial is going to lead to a very RUDE awakening for you, I'm afraid.

Some guys (and I have been like this at times in my life, especially when I was younger) just have to learn things from the School of Hard Knocks, as they will allow no manner of advice or warnings to sink in.

Seriously what man would volunteer to go to a baby shower? Is that just me being an insensitive, typical male?

I would be very careful about going out of town and leaving your wife home alone right now. You need to call and make sure this guy is in the bus with those women and heading out of state.

Be prepared to find out that he backed out at the last second.

Guys im not in denial. I suspected something n uncovered it.Im just stating what i know which is:

1. Wife was going to go for this trip with the other 15 or 20 ppl
2. OM is going too
3. I know he is going from wife an dfrom other women going too
4. As per last night he was still going
5. My wife is scheduled to work sat n sunday
6. OM is not only going, he is driving the rental van.OM i have established from my cousin in that state will be going cause he is picking up somethings from him to bring back this way.

These are just facts.When it smells like a duck i will admit, but when its virtually impossible( like this weekend)i will say it.I prefer facts and im vigilant, but im not going to create a scenario out of every thing.For example if she goes to work n i go by there n see her car is there i can only assume shes inside working. Im not going to assume her car is there but she cant be in there, she must be in a hotel with OM having sex. If i live my life like this then i have allowed this to consume me.Im living positively but also on the look out.Im also concentrating more on what i was doing wrong. I wasnt giving her attention or being involved in her things. I am now very involved and giving her attention.Shes loving it, im loving it and its improving the situation.But if i dont concentrate on this, then all ill be concentrating on is what she could be doing.
Im not naively thinking everything could be okay now so let your guard down.
Im just saying in this situation where

1. He will DEFINATELY be outta town
2. She will DEFINATELY be at home

Then nothing will happen at least for this weekend. But its imperative that i use this weekend wisely to keep showering her with love and attention.

If on the other hand i discover that OM is suddenly not going, then at that point i can go back to the drawing board of suspicion.
I hope u get my point

I will not relax untill i know this guy is on that bus i agree. Im very vigilant.

If I were OM and went to the extent to go to a baby shower...I only did it to get laid.

If the chance of getting laid was taken away...I'd back out.

andrew is right...this guy is probably not going to the shower.