Thanks...

The best place to get advice for this kind of thing is the infidelity forum General Questions II. You can request a moderator to move your thread for you.

Welcome to MB.

Is this person she is having an affair with a fellow officer? Special rules apply to the military and you should be able to get her ordered to stop seeing this guy.

You also should read the infidelity FAQ's here on marriage builders.

There's a section on Military Affairs just under half way down in this thread as well. Please check it out.

Glad you got your thread to GQII - you'll find you will get more replies on this busy forum. Welcome again to MB.

Navy,

Welcome to the MB boards, and my sympathy for the circumstances that bring you here.

It sounds like your W has "fallen in love", or has become infatuated with this marine. Infatuation is a biological/physiological/psychological phenomenon, whereby a person's brain produces and becomes flooded with addictive hormones and neurotransmitters, especially PEA, which create this sensation of romantic love. The good news is that it is temporary, and will wear off. The bad news is that 'temporary' usually means about 6 months, if not more. During the infatuation, the OM will be constantly on her mind, and she will have little thoughts or concern of you. While it may remain only an EA, these types of As typically escalate to a PA.

In my case, my FWW fell in love with OM, and they talked on the phone for 3 weeks or so, and had 1 date. But, according to her, the sexual tension increased, and they thought if they did it just once, they'd get it out of there system. Wrong. It only fueled the fire, and they had a fairly intense sexual relationship. She said that afterwards she would feel guilty, but after a day or two, when they'd talk again, she couldn't help herself, and wound up back in bed (or on the floor, as the case may be) with him. But, almost 6 months to the date, she said that their relationship just 'fizzled out', the sex stopped, their subsequent phone conversations no longer had explicit sex talk, then no longer had sexual inuendos, then became mundane, and she then agreed to no contact.

About the only thing you can do is ride out the storm. You should read up and implement a Plan A, described on the MB website. You would need to become the ideal spouse, and assure you strive to meet her emotional needs. You also MUST avoid any 'lovebusters', no yelling or angry outbursts. Otherwise, you'll just push her to OM. Until she gets over this infatuation, and ceases contact with OM, any attempts to 'work it out', won't.

As to not feeling crappy, I had to go on a mild anti-depressant after about a month to help with the anxiety attacks I began suffering. You may need to do the same.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated with your sitch.

You don't have to ride anything out!!!!!

You can report this affair to her and his superiors!

You can act like a man!

You can call her family!

DO NOT 'Ride this out'!

You think you feel crappy now? How are you gonna feel when she kisses you goodnight and leaves to bang OM?

Don't be a doormat!!

The only thing you shoud 'ride' is her a$$ to the curb!

Have some pride!

Please read up on the recommended steps to take when you discover an affair. They include improving yourself (make yourself look like the better option by meeting her needs and proving your love) as well as exposing the affair to anyone who will have influence to stop it. In your case, that would be their military superiors. They will stop it real quick. Also tell her family, your family if she's close to them, any friends she might listen to, your pastor if you have one...anyone who might make her question her actions. She'll be mad at you for the time being, but you just keep saying "I'm protecting my marriage" and continue to work on meeting her needs and no love busting. Once she goes through withdrawal from him, the fog will lift and she'll start to realize what she's done, and be grateful that you intervened - assuming that you have fixed your part of the equation so she doesn't have to look anywhere else to get her needs met again.

At least that's the way it's supposed to work. But sitting it out will nearly always just let the affair grow. Stop it now! Protect your marriage!

You have the power to end this affair. If you have proof of their relationship, take it to his chain of command first and ask them what they will do about it. From my understanding, the marines will NOT look kindly on this and his senior NCO will get waste deep in this marine's business. If your wife doesn't respect your marriage enough to end the affair then, expose it to her command as well.


Please recognize that your wife is almost certainly lying to you about this. Mine told me the same thing, but that later translated into them having sex multiple times. Her affair was less than 2 months long.


Your wife is in the fog of infatuation, which she is confusing for love. She is not in her right mind. I tend to follow the MyRev school of thought in acting out of strength and confidence. I think you should expose (at the very least to his command, but probably hers too) in order to bring the affair to a screeching halt. Then lay out your boundaries for recovery (marriage counseling through marriage builders, no contact, etc...) and the consequences for violating those boundaries.

Act from a position of strength and she should respond.

Navy,

You've got more tools at your disposal than most. Time to use them.

Have you talked with the Chaplain?

Have you spoke with your CMC?

I've got to ask...

How did you go from gratuate school in England to enlisting in the Navy?

-JKT

I was thinking the exact same thing. Why not take a commission and go in as an officer?

Navy,

I am Navy too and JKT is right. I would talk to the Chaplain first, but reporting IM'ing and texting to your superiors may get a response but prob not the one you want. Prob a slap on the wrist and then they will just find other ways to talk. It is a form of exposure though, so it is an option, I just wouldn't expect much in the way of discipline.

Do some snooping to get some proof as to whether there is more going on, e.g. are they meeting during working hours, using gov equip to facillitate the A/EA or has it gone PA etc. If it goes PA you have a wealth of nuclear options IAW the UCMJ.

Navy,

Please pay close attention to the advice from SWW, you have a great Navy resource here.

Also, the Marine is 19? I would guess He is also new to the military, maybe a training command enviroment. Either way... A good closed door (or open) a$$ chewing from his Gunny would help your situation.

Your Senior E to his senior E was the reason I mentioned talking with your CMC. Much can be done low level before UCMJ is considered.

-JKT

Yes, Yes. Listen to JKT. If your CMC or your Chief is approachable talk to him and get him to talk to his Marine counterpart. Attack this at this lower level first.

Ask for a private meeting with CMC and tell him the situation. Marine will crap his shorts if his Gunny calls him in and will never speak to your WW again. He will literally RUN from your WW, put her on his spam list etc. She will be like plutonium! If he doesn't he will get his a$$ kicked, and then kicked out. If there is anyway you can get a printed copy of IM's or forward their texts to your phone you can show CMC.

What was I thinking??? Way to go JKT! This will stop this dead in its tracks! Marine may even be transferred to another duty station, go to mast or XOI and get an LOR.

And no one needs to be the wiser as to how they found out.

and
and

IMHO, I think these are contradictory and lead to false hope. Yes, any BS has the power to try to influence the A, exposure being the prime stick, but, if she is within an infatuation, expecting any actions or exposure to immediately bring it to a screeching halt is pretty much wishful thinking. The infatuation fog is caused by biological processes that, once triggered, will run there own course in their own time, usually 6 months, but in some cases up to 2 years. Exposure and Plan A may shorten it breifly, as WS emerges from the fog. But the point of both actions is, once WS emerges from the fog, to prevent their relationship from one of short-term, romantic, high-chemistry love to one of long-term, mature, low-chemistry love.

Right now, if they are still under the influence of infatuation, reporting it will have the effect of formally separating the two. But, I will bet they will go underground and find ways of staying in touch clandestinely.

I suspect Navy's gone, but...


Galoot, you might be right, but what's your recommendation?

Do you have any Military back ground? I feel pressure from the appropriate uniform would make a stronger impression than you do. This young Marine would see Navy's W as poison after I got hold of him.

-JKT