I also posted this in Resolving Conflict.

I'm new here and would appreciate your advice, thoughts and comments.

Dh is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Our first years were filed with abuse and chaos.

We separated and he went though rehab. He made a vow that he would never drink again.

During those first few years, I was unfaithful to him. My affair was not sexually. The affair was 23 years ago although Dh has only known about it for 8 years.

Over the past couple of years, he has been on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. He has misused/abused the anxiety drug. I just recently found out he has also been drinking.

I am crushed that he would drink again knowing what it would do to us. He has also lied many times to me about both the drugs and the alcohol. When we discuss it, he blames me and says he is drinking and taking drugs to numb the pain of my affair.

We love each other very much and have for the most part had a good relationship. Many issues/disagreements go unresolved as he used my unfaithfulness as his excuse for his actions.

I told him that since he was drinking that I was thinking of ending our marriage. He has promised that he will not drink again and that he will do what it takes to make our marriage work.

I am also willing to do what it takes to save our marriage.


What do I do now?

How can I learn to trust him again?
How can I assure him that I am being honest and have been a faithful wife to him?

Ruby, unfortunately, there is not much you can do until he sobers up and gets into a program of recovery. He is not available to participate in a program of marital recovery if he is having a love affair with alcohol and drugs. That has to be addressed first.

Oh, and he is just using your affair as an excuse to drink. If it wasn't that, it would be something else with an alcoholic. He drinks and drugs because he is an alcoholic. Sure, it was a traumatic event 8 years ago, but he is using it for secondary gain, meaning that he brings it up in order to keep you in check.

I would check into Alanon if I were you. Sorry you are here.

bumping, I'm getting lost on page 2

Not much more to say - MelodyLane pretty much nailed it. He's using the A as an excuse to drink and abuse drugs. You can't work on the M until he's sober.

How can I learn to trust him again?
It's not your job to learn to trust him again. It's his job to EARN your trust and he's doing a poor job of that. So don't feel guilty about not trusting him. You'd be crazy if you DID trust him. He owns the issue of your trust; you don't own that. Let him own it.

How can I assure him that I am being honest and have been a faithful wife to him?
Does he really think you're being unfaithful? Or is that just an excuse he's using?

You can offer to:
Install a key logger on the computer
Put a recorder on the phone
Put a recorder in the car
Put a GPS in the car that records every place you've been
Trade cell phones with him whenever he asks you to
Whatever else he suggests

You can also offer to work through "Surviving An Affair" (available through the Bookstore on this web site) with him and you two can learn about healthy behavior in a marriage. If you go through that book and really learn the lessons and adapt your behavior accordingly, you'll have a marriage full of love, trust, and respect.

BUT... he has to be sober first.

We separated and he went though rehab. He made a vow that he would never drink again.



He has also lied many times to me about both the drugs and the alcohol.

His bad choices, his addiction, and his chosen lifestyle is NOT YOUR FAULT. He is throwing your A back in your face as a way to distract you from the real problems here. The problem is that he is drinking and drugging again. He knows it is wrong but does not want to stop. He needs to get back into rehab, and It sounds like you need to seperate from him again.

I think you know that, but you are hoping that "if only" you could make him happy again. "If only" you could erase your A from the past, and "if only" he could finally learn to trust you again, then he would no longer feel the need to drink.

But deep down inside, you know better. in your own words, you said that the first few years were filled with abuse and chaos. But eventually he got help and stopped drinking. You have forgiven him for the abuse and chaos. Yet he keeps throwing your A in your face? From 8 years ago? come on now, you know that is a load of crap from him, don't you?

Please get into Al Anon, today!!! And start building a support group for yourself. You can not fix him. But you can fix yourself. and if he eventually gets back on track, then he can re-join you. If not, then you (And your Boys!!!) do not need him dragging you into his he11 any longer.