I thought I'd posted an answer to this question before, but I guess I didn't.

First off, my FWW is the only person I've ever had SF with. Unlike the rest of you with some experience below your belt, I really don't have any terms of reference to compare SF with my FWW with SF with someone else.

Secondly, I had, and continue to have problems with ED. I used to be afraid to approach my FWW for SF in fear of letting her down, and every time I did and I failed, it got worse. Her approach to SF at the time of just lying there didn't help much either. However, I went on medication a few years ago, and thereafter experienced some of the best SF with my FWW. She met my needs and from her reaction I didn't think anything was missing from the experience.

What I didn't know at the time was that my FWW started her PA only a few months afterward, and she was getting SF from both myself and the OM for almost a year afterwards.

Of course I was devastated. I felt like I had been used as a substitute for the times she couldn't have SF with him.

Shortly after D-Day, when I asked what the difference was between SF with me and SF with the OM, she replied that he was "bigger", and that he lasted longer, but she then went on to say that the size didn't really matter, that I was "good enough" (of course I was thinking if the size didn't really matter, why was that the FIRST thing that came to her mind when I asked that question?).

She also suggested that her Os with the OM (if she got them) were not as intense as they were with me. I have trouble believing this, particularly as she mentioned at one point that he had to cover her mouth at one time to stop anyone from hearing the noises from their office!

Nevertheless, there's I could do about the size issue, but I could work on the other aspects of SF, so I concentrated on those. And the ED medication helped. She highlighted longer, I worked on that. I also paid a lot more attention to her needs, and I thought I was fairly successful at that - her responses suggested that she really enjoyed almost every time we did it.

I thought things were going really well, until she told me that she was only indulging in SF because I wanted to, and she didn't really feel the need for it, and she also suggested that I was interested in her only for physical reasons. Our SF dropped off quite a bit after that, for obvious reasons. She recently suggested again that I'm only interested in her for 'physical' reasons, even though SF is down to maybe two three times a month, if at all. So basically for the last few weeks it has stopped completely. I'm just not inclined to have SF with her at the moment.

Funny enough, just before this latest dry spell I was feeling confident enough to try SF (infrequent as it was) without the use of the ED pills. That confidence disappeared quite quickly.

So as of this moment:
1. I'm not inclined to have SF. There's no desire, and that depresses me a bit.
2. I'm not confident enough (again) to engage in it. Partly because my FWW's actions and comments have caused me to seriously question my ability in that regards, and partly because I just don't think I can do it if I have no desire for it.
3. It seems we're returning to the type of situation that existed pre-A (and before I went on ED treatment) where I'm basically afraid to approach my W for SF. I've mentioned this to her, and the response has been, well, unsympathetic.

I guess history's repeating itself.

Sounds familiar...but, it's all relative to her having SF with OM. If she likes to do the job herself, then why even involve OM?....because, she liked to do it herself in front of him....just like my WW did.

Now we both have the unfortunate reality that other men are hi fiving each other, over a beer, talking about how our wives pleasured themselves in front of them......not fun.

There is no difference...she "O"ed. For him... because of him...no difference. Just as gratifying for him, either way.

I actually have more respect for a hooker than a cheating W. Unless of course the hooker was married.

Hey, at least you have a number to go from. My W still says "I'm not sure...I don't want to think about it" when I ask her how many times. And, her PA was only about 5 weeks long as opposed to your WW's 3.5 years.

I think that is worth paying attention to. I think the SF part of the A is driven by three general things. Just the experience, expression of "love", or to sustain the A. Maybe a mix of all three.

ONS and short A's are probably just the experience. That is a real bummer, because there really ain't much you can do about that. I mean if the WS just wanted "something different" to see what it was like, then its hard to become diffeent.

Expression of love is also a downer, cause it means your WW thought she was "in love." But that can change when they realize it was a fantasy.

To sustain the A, I think is much more common in LTA's. All I mean here is that the SF was not so much because they wanted the SF, the WW just didn't want the A to end, so they did what they thought (or knew) OM wanted so as to keep the A going.

I think in many of those cases the WW is going to lie about the SF because this is going to be a really hard one to admit. No WW is going to want to say "I slept with him because I was afraid he'd leave me." Makes them too vulnerable. No WW who is in recovery is going to say "and I really cranked it up a notch so that he would be impressed and like me." Makes them too open to the retort of "so you its not that you don't like SF, its that you aren't motivated."

Finally, IMHO, one should take any details they get about "how good" the SF was with a grain of salt. You see time and again that mind/fantasy plays a bigger role in all of this than any sort of reality. I mean SF is a difficult issue for BH's, so consider some of the other things that were also described as "better." Dives where they went are described as romantic. Idiot OM's are described as complicated. OM's who abandon there children are described as "good fathers".

MiM - I only commented because I don't think you should view her comments as a rejection of you. Its probably a deeper issue than that.