My synopsis: My xWW and I met in 1993 and fell HOH for each other in a week. Best friends, exclusive dating partners, etc….married happily in 1995. She WAS the best gf, fiancé, and wife a man could want—utterly devoted, morally grounded (“Christian”), high social standards, yada, yada… In the later years of our M (no kids) I made all the classic mistakes (LBing, not meeting ENs, too wrapped in myself/work, taking M for granted, etc.) that I didn’t even realize at the time. I loved her faithfully, no A’s, but didn’t show enough in her primary Love Language (Gary Chapman stuff)—you all know the drill. She S from me and our home in 7/06 with the dreaded “ILYBINILWY” and “I loved you SO much and you squandered my love!” lines after a major blowout.

I went into panic mode realizing belatedly how we had drifted apart. She is/was a poor communicator and kept lots of hurts and issues buried deep inside and I felt tremendous guilt and regret for my mistakes. I talked her into delaying D and for 6 mos. we went to MC, seminars, tried to “talk”, etc. In retrospect, her participation was very superficial and half-hearted at best. There were a few tender, open moments when she opened up a bit emotionally but most of the time she would refuse to see me, take my calls, and would hang up the phone. In general, she was belligerent, accusatory, and cold, putting virtually all the blame on me for everything to me and everyone else. She finally filed for D in 1/07 (without even telling me) and, except for crying at our settlement meeting, refused any further contact. The D was final in 6/07 and I was devastated.

My BS fog: Knowing what I know now, I can see how naïve and ignorant I was. I had always believed (with good reason) the best about her and trusted her and her words completely. In 2/07 I found out she had a “new” OM—all she would tell me is that their R was “of recent vintage” and “they had been friends for a while, but had only been together a few weeks now.” Like a dope, I largely believed her though I did suspect that her suggestions of OM “having nothing to do with us” was not the whole story. Other people had warned me of “red flags” for a long time, but I did not want to believe that she would ever do something so callous, manipulative, and deceitful—FOG! In addition, I held out false hope that she might change her mind (though I did reveal what I knew to family/friends in 2/07) and she had me so convinced of my responsibility for everything that I couldn’t seem to break my passivity.

WW/xWW fog: I have done much reading on A’s and learned much since. Over the last year or so since the D, I have learned many sordid & sleazy details of WW’s A and cover-up that have shocked me. OM was a work acquaintance, much older, married (3rd M!), had 3 kids w/ 3 different women, and was, shall we say, a BIG step down on the social/economic/academic scale (I know that WS’s often “affair-down”—this is WAY down and totally beyond someone she would ever have become involved with under “normal” circumstances had she been single/never-married). They started a secretive EA/PA in late-’05…over 6 mos. before she ever S from me. It continued throughout the time we were “trying to reconcile”; OM finally confessed under pressure in 9/06 to his 3rd W (she had suspected for a long time) and she filed immediately. My xWW and OM married each other as soon as his 3rd D was final in late ’07. Other than recently “asking for my forgiveness” and saying “I’m sorry for so many things”, my xWW has still never come clean about anything to me. She lied directly to me, my family, our MC, friends, etc. and let me be the a-hole “fall guy” for the demise of our M to everyone. I know details of how guilt-ridden she was and still is, but she remains of the opinion that “she is happy” and that “God changes people and things” even as she writes me to apologize for “how hard-headed she was”, “taking you for granted”, and “I wish I had communicated better with you before.”

Needless to say, so many things she did and said (some even tender) now make complete sense given what was actually going on without my knowledge. I am astounded by how duplicitously and disreputably she has behaved—this IS NOT THE PERSON I KNEW AT ALL. Of course, I feel utterly violated and betrayed and used—she knows that in writing from me now and can no longer hide behind the fact that “he doesn’t know anything.” My xWW (via the grapevine) has uncharacteristically put on a great deal of weight and had admitted that “the honeymoon (in M with OM) is over.” It is crazy—I am still at a loss to explain so many stupid, horrible, and deceitful decisions she made (whether or not she wanted to stay with me) and how she could have stayed quiet and led a double-life for so long.

I know that I could never trust or respect her again, so she is now stuck with all of that. But I am still baffled by how someone previously so wonderful & nurturing could become so immoral and uncaring for the feelings of everyone else involved who have been hurt so terribly…..