2b1,

This weekend, allow him to talk.

You have just a few, simple jobs.

1. Listen.

2. Control yourself. This means, you CHOOSE your reactions. HOW????

think
listen
silence and count to 15 before you say anything
think again with your LOVING HEART
and then..............speak

3. Listen.


Three very simple steps. Mix in with some SF, and during that, don't think at all.

Just love.


Time for your Plan A - meet his needs, admire him, and yes...

allow yourself to remember why you love him.


Because THAT is why you want to save the marriage.

You have a wonderful weekend ahead of you. He is in a frame of mind to move toward you. Let him. Be open to that possibility, and free yourself to accept love.

That is the hardest part of this recovery gig - it really is - for the BS. Freeing ourselves to accept the love again, to believe it is once again coming back to us, unfettered, real, deep.

It does come back. You are seeing it happen.

It will amaze you, and at first your instinct is to guard your heart.

Resist putting up that wall, and for this one weekend, every single time you feel it go up, yell inside your head


NO WALLS - I AM OPEN TO HIM

And you can be open to him.


It's hard, I know. I have been there.

You can do this. The reward?????


I can't even begin to take you there. But I will say it is worth the effort, and definitely worth dropping those walls.


SB

you have such great wisdom!!! hard, but great!! will put forth every ounce of effort to take him in completely and keep the wall down.... AND keep my mouth shut and let him do the talking..

i'm thinking i should print this post and read it every morning before i start my day.....and then again in the afternoon.......and then yet again in the evening.... :-) to help keep me in a good frame of mind.... and remind me what we're workin' towards.

i want so badly to get beyond this fear of being hurt again..... and i have the opportunity to begin right this very moment.. i will continue to 'choose' to be open to him..... he does deserve it even in spite of what he did....he deserved it before - - and i let it slip.... and i want us to get well...

here we are today on our journey to recovering our marriage. i'm thankful for that for sure.... and i want that reward that's waiting for both of us...

thanks for putting your 2-cents in with me too, schoolbus!

2b1,

I would say that I have been afraid to love.

I look back now and regret that. It cost me so much time, and for what?

Stupid fears that I would make a fool of myself.

You know what?

So I'm a fool. Who cares. I'm old now, and looking back, I found out this much:


EVERYONE IS A FOOL.

SOME OF US ARE JUST A LITTLE BETTER AT COVERING IT UP.

well, fortunately for me i can usually learn from others....so, on this one, i'm gonna try my darndest to not be a fool!!

i will be open and trust my H in order to help us both move forward.......

well my friends...... i'm a little wounded this afternoon.....ok, a lot wounded....

i'm trying to learn how to post without all the details....so lengthy, but i guess i'm thinking i want you to know exactly what happened and why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling.....but, nonetheless i will try to post the nutshell of the news i got today...

my H (the darling one that he is) came home at lunch. as we sat at the table (before eating) he held my hand and just sat there for a second.... i told him he was making me nervous..... he said, 'well, it's not good'... i'm sure i had panic written all over my face and he said 'no contact has been made'.... (relief!)

he proceeded to tell me that last week (on one of our low days - - he was the one low and i think it's when he was not posting).... anyway, he told me that he was feeling sorry for himself on tuesday and he googled the OW's name - - (in my opinion she doesn't even deserve the name OW - - or the initials!)... but, anyway, he said he didn't see her picture or learn anything new about her - - do i believe him - - i have to don't i????....... i'm kind of stuck on that one.... i did ask him if he thought it set him back or not... he said no. (relief again). deep down i do believe him....

yes, hearing this made me cry - - why does he continue to wallow in that crap - - as if she's really going to console him now....

all i could say to him was 'i hate her now'..... he said 'she didn't do it, i did'.... i said, 'yes she did and she's still doing it'. i see his point that 'he' is the one that googled her name but SHE is the one that got her claws in him and they are still in him even though she discarded him like a dirty rag..... what would drive a person to continue to want someone or something that treats them like crap. it was a game to her.....it was a game.

i'm not sure what i'm really feeling right now - - pretty emotional still - - my eyes fill with tears even when i'm not thinking about it... i think i'm just feeling very sad.... i don't think angry - probably because there was no contact. and i feel bad for saying that i hate her...... i told him 'she' will never be in 'our' lives again.... ever....

my H was tender with me and held me as i cried a little. i tried to change the subject.... i told him i didn't know what to say or what to do..... there really isn't anything 'i' can do or say i guess. another shot in my heart to try to keep in perspective and continue to learn to trust my H again.... he's makin in difficult isn't he..... not intentionally i suppose..... i guess it's still the 'fog'.

i have no motivation at this point to do anything -- well, i did at least get my shower today. but, my work is piling up for sure! and things here at the house that need to be taken care of just keep getting put on the back burner.... i need to wake up and use the strength God is giving me to push my way through this mess and get myself back on top of things.... i used to be good at multitasking but i can't seem to do even just one task right now....

we are supposed to go out of town this weekend - - our first longer time away. yes, i hope we spend much time together - - talking, walking, reading, soaking up some sun, swimming, relaxing, eating, i hope to even 'make love'..... we haven't done that yet..... it's been more like getting the need met i guess..... which i know i need as it takes the edge off - - and yes, i'm taking that primrose oil to help with the rest of my emotions.... (i took some immediately after lunch today)....

so, i don't really know what to expect of this weekend. i will be happy with some relaxing time together. i'm afraid to expect anything i think. just when i think i know how he's doing.....this just goes to show you i have no idea how he's doing - - except when he's at home.

he's learning to let me in, but it's slow going. i'm grateful when he is able to share with me from his heart (but today's 'sharing' was very hard)....i just mean we talk and he is the one doing most of the talking....i hope for some of that this weekend. i just can't wait till we don't feel awkward with each other.... i love him dearly and i want him to feel safe with me all the time....not just some of the time...

with a quivering voice and a few tears i did tell him thank you for telling me.....even though it hurt... honesty and openness is a good thing.... it really is more healing than damaging i guess.... but it still hurts sometimes.

well, i feel like i'm rambling and i do need to go turn in that notice of giving up the apartment. woohoo! that's big for me..... he won't have that place to run to ---although i never really felt he wanted to - - but he's shared maybe once or twice he's thought about it....but didn't... that's big too....

i will go for now. i have to run that errand. i'll be here later....

FWIW I do belive that last week when you guys were "not progressing" I did feel that he was unable to move forward due to breach in NC. Now I dont "know" him or you so take that "insight" with a grain if salt.
What I can see is that this week he appears to be more on track with "you" so what ever he did not did not do last week is "in the past".

You can let the pain of it come over and wash away. Dont let it stay. He did something not positive towards yoru relationship and now he is feeling remorseful and trying to make amends and move forward.

If you trust that he is on the right track now you are going to have to allow him to make mistakes in his own recovery. He is going to stumble and stub his toe many times over until he realises that every time he stubs his toe it hurts Duh!! :crosseyedcrazy:

As long as you trust his current intentions I say let it go.

I am sorry you had a rough time last week , but that was last week. This week you both seem to be back on track so you will have to dig deep within you and see if you can leave last week behind. I am hoping that your H will make enough positive moves this week that might help you "forget" the roughness of last week.

Somethign Jennifer said to me stuck with me and if she has not siad it to you let me pass it along. When you have a trigger 1st the BS should evaluate to see if the pain is associated with somethgin the WS did in the past or present. If its present then your guard goes up and you pay attention to it and take action. If the info or trigger is something he did in the past then you have to pull out your mind games and try to convince yourself to move away from that pain caus eit is in the past.
So evaluate for yourself what he is telling you, do you "belive" that it is in the past tense or do you belive he continues to do it ? The goal being to differenciate between warning bells and just pain triggers.


Having done that myself recently I can tell you it was great. My attitude was I dont know where we will be x months from now. Today I am happy to spend time in the company of this man. Lets enjoy the day not ruin it by making future plans and evaluting the future. Enjoy "YOUR" time off. Dont emphaise that its "OUR" time off. Look at is as a well deserved break from being a mom, an employee and a wife. Just be you. Dont worry about what happens when you come back , what you are trying to achieve /reslove. Just go have fun get a break.

Your need it
You deserve it
You will enjoy it

You will see the joy of what you see in him and hopefully he will see what a joy you are as a person and you guys will spend some lovely days together. Pack some "fun things " for your fun weekend. Dont focus on resolving anything this weekend. Just focus on having fun . You will come back with a clearer mind and spirt and renewed clarity and energy. I know Sf is a huge factor in closing the gap between 2 people, but let the emotional gap fill in and I am sure the physical will follow

I know it seems hard to do because your mind is reeling with so many emotions. But you need the break from this non stop pain and heartache. I also found that spending UNDIVIDED TIME TOGETHER made me really see what was working and what was really not working between us.

Hang in there. You are strong enough to have made it thru worse days , you can do this. I know you can

good morning WMF,

i am very exhausted this morning - - so drained emotionally.

you are insightful too about the whole contact thing..... that thought had actually crossed my mind. and yet i still believe him when he tells me 'no, there has been NC'.... i was stupid before because i believed him every time (for a year!) when he told me there was no contact.......and come to fine out - - they were in contact THE WHOLE TIME!

i guess i was figuring his 'mood' would have been a little more 'up' than he was and would be more noticeable..... course the contact they had was by email, phone and texting - -and the few 'crossings' they had around town - - but never to 'meet' again.....

but, like you said, that was in the past....this is now. i really believe him when he says there was no contact and he certainly isn't acting like he's been set back - - so, yes, again.....i believe him.

i can see a change in 'us' already.....i guess it's just the fact that we are communicating - - even if it does hurt and we bumble around sometimes for what and how to say something.....the fact is.....WE ARE TALKING....



i like this information....jennifer has not said this to me (yet).... maybe cause i don't talk a whole lot about triggers..... a lot of my triggers are knowing something is a trigger for him..... but i got one wrong this past weekend when we were gone... and come to find out - - - the whole trigger thing i THOUGHT was a trigger for him, wasn't because the details about the trigger weren't 'exact' to what the real trigger really is....... (does that make sense)...

thus, we are learning how to be 'open and honest' about things. we had a discussion and the whole thing just dampened the evening.... but we worked through it.

we both talked to jennifer this last session about the trigger and she gave us an idea for dealing with it when it comes up (or any trigger, when it comes up). so we'll see how i do with it.....

i guess you probably want to know what she said... lol here it is.... when i am triggering (because i think it's triggering or going to trigger him)... i am to ask (if i can't work through it in my mind on my own), i am to say, 'i'm having some negative thoughts here.....can you help me know what you're thinking?'

so, if i had asked him this question this last weekend about the trigger, i would have learned right away that this didn't trigger him at all - - but now i know what the real trigger is..... :-) even though i knew what it was, it wasn't 'exact' and i was lumping it all together...... does that make sense....

sorry if i'm not making sense....my brain is mush right now!...

as far as getting away this weekend.... we leave today and i can't wait!! i am just drained emotionally and physically... of which i hope doesn't ruin our time away - - i know that's in my hands and my attitudes and actions are a choice i will make....

i think i will be fine....i just need some real rest and relaxation.... i have been thinking the past few days 'boy do i need a vacation!!' so, i'm hoping it's a great time!

i do feel my H is with me..... i don't know how he finds all the songs he does, but he played one for me last night that made me cry - - yet again - - but spoke a lot to me.... it's called 'Her Man' by Gary Allen (yep, a good ole country song)... :-) you can hear it on youtube if you want..... he started the song and then held me for a slow dance while it played...... this was last night at about midnight i believe.... no wonder we're tired....

but all the comments about this rough road we've been on about it being 'so worth it'......well, i'm beginning to see the worth as my H 'chooses' to climb out of the pit he's in.... he's such a great guy! and HE'S MINE! .......(still) and he's on his way back.....

so, i'm still hangin in there.......so much work, sweat and tears have been invested -- i'm not about to quit now...

thanks for your encouragement..... you are insightful too.... hope you have a good day.

I dont think you can go wrong as long as you both are communicating. Its one thing to be able to express your true feelings here in an anonomous forum where you have nothign to loose by divulging them . Its totally another to communicate with your S where there is so much to fear and insecirity about what will happen once the other person knows "what you are really thinking and feeling".

Very early on after D day ( a week or so after) I called a very wise friend of mine and told her that I needed advise. H decided to sit in on the converstion with her (I did not invite him, he offered on his own). So far she is the only person I have told about this A. Anyway the goal of me calling her was so that she could tell me if I was fooling myself in that I wanted to stay. Its a long 5 hr marathonm session of soul baring . After that meeting I asked her what she thought of our chances and she said had she talked to me on the phone she would have thought not high. But when she came to our home she (and I) realised that during the entire 6 hrs that she was there, my H and I mostly directed the "talk" to each other. She kinda ended up being the 3rd wheel, And she said to me thats the reason she thinks that we will survive. We continued to talk to "each other".

Over the months that has sunk in and I am begining to see the benefits of "talking openly " to my H. There has been too much info that he gave me or too many of his feelign were revelaed to me that were painful and unberable to hear. When I heard and felt them I felt pain and sadness. When I realised they were true (especailly involving OW) I was further sadenned and depressed. But as we continued on and those "acts" became in the past I am relived for having "talked" about them because now I can stop imagining what he did or felt. I know !!! I know cause he told me.
By the same token I have to keep reminding my self that he did and felt all those things on that day " in the past". Today he says and does different "acts". So evaluting based on Jennifers suggestions what is doing in the "current" that continues to cause me pain , thats what worthy of my focus, not what he already did.
I am learing to give up my girlie fantasy of having him read my mind and finding and freedom in expressing to him my wnats and desires and reaping the reward of having them be fulfilled.

So Keep Talking to him about "you" and "your feeling and thoughts"

I hope you both have a great trip.

I can see clearly what you are trying to say my brain must be as mush as yours lol.

Ok here is a :twobyfour: for you.

You are spending an unhealthy amount of time and energy trying to figure out what is triggering your H.

You are trying to use telepathy to figure out what your H is feeling so that you can FIX it for him.

Heres another 2x4 :twobyfour:

YOU CANT FIX HIM !!!!

He has to want to fix himself and work at fixing himself , himself.

You spend the little strenght you have in fixing you healing you and giving you H the best you there is .

I know we women have a very stong mothering nature and want to heal and cant turn a blind eye to teh suffering of the ones you love, but what you are trying to do is akin to you trying to take a test for your DD. She is in college she has to studyfor a tesr. You know she is not prepared for it and may fail, so you badly want to read up and take the test for her so she gets good grades.

Sorry not gonna work.

This is the road your H has to walk, you cant walk it for him.

And I know you dont see it but he is progressing fine. He may not be progressing and moving with milestones that you might see as progess but from what I see on his thread , he is in good hands.
So trust him and know that he will find his own way.

You just shine your own light strong enough so that he can see it from a mile away in all the other lights out there

Girl you just focus on having a FUN time on your trip and nothing and no one is going to come between you and smiles this weekend.

2b1,

Have a great weekend!


wmf,

You are fast becoming an MB advice queen.


SB

good morning everyone.....

i wish i could say we had a great weekend......it started out okay but the last few days my H began pulling away from me.... i guess it's one of the low times he's in again.... i sure need to hear that song 'all i wanna be is her man' again...... cause this is one of those times i don't think he does.....

it's very hard to keep reaching out to him when all he does is pull back from me..... this roller coaster is so hard to endure. he's very closed off to me, but when i ask if i've done something - - all he says is 'no, it's me'.....

we got to bed pretty late last night and at one point he began sobbing....he got himself under control pretty quickly but was holding it in..... i scooted as close as i could to him so i could hold him and just softly rub his chest and his head. i hate to see him like this and yet i don't know what to do for him...... he doesn't need a 'mother' and yet that is what i sorta felt like last night trying to console him. he didn't respond one way or another to anything.....maybe it was irritating to him...

i don't think he said a word to me this morning either other than that he got his jeans from the drawer (I thought they were all in the wash).

to tell you the truth, i am glad we are home so he can hopefully post and get some help through all of you....or at least those of you who post to him. i am very worried about him....i assume this is part of the 'letting go' still....or the fog lifting.....or depression..... what is it really?....

i so want to be his woman... i so want him to be my man... i so want him to know i need him ('we' need him)... i so want to help him but feel so helpless!

that's all i'll write. i overslept this morning and am late for work.

here is a big hug for you from me.
Sorry to hear that I was really rooting for you to have some quality time togther and achive some much needed closeness.

I wish I had advise to give you on what to do. I am afraid I have no clue on what the holdup is. I can only say that it was hard for me when I thought there was no way out and that I was destined for unhappiness for ever. What I can say is that it sure was(is) a roller coaster ride so there are ups and downs. I firmly belive that NC is the main and first and foremost step in moving forward. While your H may not be in "contact" he certainy appears to be "focused" on OW and until he can wrap his brain around "detangling" from her the ups in your roller coaster will be far and few in between.

Are you still counselling with Jennifer? Harsh as it sounds are you comfortable discussing with her the idea of and specifics of plan B and seek her assiatnace in whether or not its time for you do that.

I know plan A is supposed to be temporary and Plan B is designed to protect (not harm) your relationship.


Seems he is/needs to work thru a lot of emotions (being caused by what ???) and is not yet at the point of radical honesty and open dialog with you. How do you feel your converstaions go? Are they productive when you do have them?

Stay stong , focus on strenght gathering and keeping yourself propped up at all costs.

DO NOT ALLLOW YOUR SELF TO BE DRAINED OR DEPLETED. Pretend your relationship is a pregnancy.
(I know bad example but really all I could think of right now LOL) If you are malnourised you cannot nourish your baby.
So feed your self and your soul, protect yourself at all costs and stay healthy for youself and your marriage.
Find something that makes you smile today and allow your self to smile

Posting to let you know that our email IS receiving but is not sending right now. We are trying to get it fixed.

I want to make it clear that Plan B is NOT where your focus should be right now. Plan A and B are for ACTIVE affairs. Your FWS is still going through withdrawals....but he IS in recovery. He may also be struggling with the guilt and shame as his fog clears more. The more he sees clearly, the more confused he may become. Not confused about the marriage or recovery, but confused about how he got where he was (the A). He has a lot to process, just as you have a lot to process. But it's different information to process. You are dealing with being betrayed. He is facing being the betrayer.

Make sense???

Also, please remember that withdrawals do not prevent recovery. It just takes time. I might also suggest that you not react to his every down moment. Let him feel what he SHOULD and NEEDS to feel and work through them. Just a simple assurance that you are not going anywhere is often enough.

2b1again

I certainly would not want to argue my advise against that of tst. He has been stuying MB principals longer than I and I know he has been able to reach out to your H and help him along the way.

I hope that plan B is not a requiremnet for your relationship to heal. It seems pretty hard to do and a sad situation for both parties to endure.

I hope that your day turned better than the morning and that things will be looking up soon at your end.
Here is a a silly dance to cheer you up (Sorry I know its goofy the icon just makes me smile)

good morning my friends.....

just wanted to say i'm in a good frame of mind today...... yes, my H seemed better last night too, but the new Bible study started last night at church and it was just what i needed!

The study is on Daniel and about the 'choices' we make and will make in our lives, and how the world's mentality of self-absorption is where it's at and will make us happy (satan's great lie huh)........only for some reason we never seem to quite get that happiness (satan pulls the rug out as soon as he has us hooked). and how when all is said and done, we will be reminded and know that God is Lord!!

so why do we take the hard road???? i don't know....

but, i'm choosing to focus on me......well, not 'me' but the me that needs God....the strength He has to offer me - - and yes, i need it these days - -every ounce of it.

i found it interesting that one of the comments the speaker made last night was this: 'Satan wants me to think I have made no progress at all...' i chuckled to myself as i heard this. and yes, he has whispered that lie to me many times as we continue to travel down recovery road....

so, today, i am choosing to put up my shield of faith (again) and fight off all the lies that are being thrown my way......no, being thrown 'our' way.... i will press on and continue to love my H whether he receives it or not. i will get back up when i am knocked down.

my marriage is still pretty crappy right now and not at all what i want (and it's not what my H wants either).....so let's move forward. today is a new day. i will start again.

i know what i'm trying to say and am making sense to myself - - not sure for anyone else but that's okay..... it's a venting place too, right?..... or just a place to type out your thoughts.....

i am hoping for a good session tonight with jennifer. last week seemed so good and promising....... darn - - we got struck down somehow..... one thing i've learned through this whole mess is that you can't change the past (darn!) and we are scarred for life, but we CAN change the future, and that's what i'm working towards....not EVER allowing this to happen again... i hope the man God gave me to share my life with will choose to help change our future as well.

i was talking with my girlfriend this morning and like she said 'valuable time is being wasted'........ i'm still looking forward to having that marriage that is better than i could have ever dreamed.....

i love my man!

too all of you, thanks for your encouragement and for cheerleading me on....

Glad you are doing better today and I am glad you both have the support of a session with Jennifer today to help you achieve your goal of a better marriage

Posting to say....

Got it & praying. Still can't send emails.

YOU are NOT the problem.

What you are feeling today is a HUGE trigger because he did not do what he should have done....RESPOND.

thanks.....

i have a question for you this morning.....

i asked my H last night if when he's pulling back from me, do i still try to meet his needs even if it seems he doesn't want me to? he said he probably wasn't the one to ask that question, but should ask you guys......

?????

our session with jennifer was good last night although my H was very quiet and stand offish still afterwards and for the rest of the evening really...

we didn't start our O&H time until about 11:00 last night.... we were both exhausted, and he was low. he shared some - - and confirmed there was NC. there is more he wanted to share i guess but he said it would take him a while to get it into the right words..... so we went to bed.

he still seemed pretty down this morning......a man of no words except to tell me he'd work until about 4 today...

he and our son are leaving to go camping today and will return on sunday afternoon. i hope he misses me, but i'm learning not to get my hopes up for anything anymore.... when it happens.....it happens.... when it doesn't.....it doesn't and i must go on and as jennifer said, 'remember this is but a speck of time in this journey. he WILL get through this.....it just takes time.'....

which, BTW, is what all of you have been saying too..... time, time, and more time..... that's what it's gonna take. if i could just learn that!!