MB's list of 10 EN's is a pretty good list...in my opinion it covers pretty much anything. But, when doing the ENQ it says to add any of your own to the top 5 if you had anything different to add. Just wondering if anyone here used something for their top 5 that was different than MB's list.

Just curious is all.

If Compassion is not covered in one of the 10 existing categories, I would consider that. See my old thread.

I can see your point about compassion being an EN. Just a few thoughts on that, though I am far from an expert.

I might lump that in with affection. Dunno for sure?

But when reading your link, the thought that crossed my mind was Love busters from your spouse. Selfish demands "like get over it". Disrespectful judgements like "it's your fault your sick". Any way you slice it, a little empathy from your spouse would be meaningful, wouldn't it?

I've never thought of any other EN's myself though!

My top need is to have time alone. So that I can be myself. For the last 15 or so years, I have asked my H each year, for a birthday present, to take D17 away on a day trip or weekend trip, and let me stay alone at home - by myself. He has complied, once. But was only gone 8 hours. But it was the best 8 hours of my last 20 or so years.

And I've been wondering if one of my H's ENs is to have the freedom to IB and for me to be independent also.

Not just time alone like you describe, cat. He gets plenty of time alone.

I could see that for men. I see so many times where men don't take to the 'regiment' of having to settle down with a wife and give up their young adult life.

RESPECT!!!

In reality, I don't ask for much more, but I will accept nothing less, and finding myself as a BH caused a HUGE hit to my self-respect, and it was VERY important for me to be able to reclaim that which I felt had been taken from me.

Ahhh...I remember this well from when my son was young! Remembrance day and Easter Monday were my absolute favourite holidays because I was the only one in the house that had them off! Now that I am alone, I wouldn't put this one at the top, but if I don't ride my horse once a week I get a twitch (and that is something I do on my own and absolutely DO NOT want to share with anyone - it's my therapy).

Now, I would put socializing in my top 5. Top 3 even. It is something I rarely had when I was with WstbxH and sorely missed. By this I mean getting together with other couples and doing group activities. This could be anything from playing cards to going skiing for a day. The closest I ever got to socializing with Wstbx were family weddings and funerals (pretty sad when you think of funerals as your social life) and even then he'd be plotting our escape before we went through the door. I could have lived with it if he didn't remind me every 10 minutes how soon until our agreed time to leave (which was usually very early to begin with).

Shopping! I didn't see that one on the list.

Also missing are pedicures, manicures, day-spas. Hey, was this list written by a MAN????!!!!

I don't know the right word, but I would call it "reliability" or "predictability" or "consistency." I would guess that the support EN's and the honesty one touches on this, but to me its more about knowing what to expect.

Said differently, I could probably be happily married if any handful of the top EN's are being met, so long as I could consistently rely on that. What is harder for me is when an EN is met for a while, then it stops. Or in other cases when you are relying on support for something and it just doesn't happen.

I also agree with the need for respect and empathy.

I've got one. "Direction".

If I'm left to myself, I tend to find a comfortable sinecure, curl up and drift along. That's why I never managed to achieve any of my immediate post-college career goals. That's why I was content to pursue my hobby instead of work on my marriage and career for so long.

My wife helps give me direction. She has goals and a vision for our family and for us, and gives me something to aim for. And she supports me as I work for those goals, both with her encouragement, and by the fact that the way things are now, I am accountable to her (as she is to me).

With her "direction", I stepped outside of my comfort zone and applied for the job I have now, which is challenging and exciting, and where my abilities and intelligence and problem-solving skills are fully utilized.

With "direction", I feel both a sense of security, and a sense of boundless opportunity - i.e. I feel like worthwhile goals are achievable, not simply pie in the sky to dream about.

So, that doesn't quite sound like any of the standard ENs, but it is something my wife meets that I find I appreciate very much.