When a wayward meets new people (after separating from or divorcing their BS) what do they say about their former marriage and how it ended? Although it's a little uncomfortable for me to explain my situation when people ask me, I am at least OK with myself and how I acted. I can't really imagine anyone admitting upfront that the reason they're separated or divorcing is because they cheated on their spouse.

I would think they lie if asked. I would never ask someone why he is divorced/separated. If they offer, fine. I doubt most WS admit their behavior unless they are at a swinger's convention.

I'm guessing along the lines of how WS's lie to there BS's...in most cases.

In my W's case...it would probably be "my husband was a control freak...jealous...tracking my every move...wouldn't give me a minute of privacy...etc..."

edit:

That's what she told everyone under the sun, during her affair...so no reason to believe that she'd handle a divorce any differently.

I do not tell people when I first meet them that of course but after they get to know me a while I tell when I feel like I should.

I think the best thing to say is that you're divorced-especially if it's not someone you're close to but that's just me.

My husband was the BH in his prior marriage. What he told me was that she thought "the grass was greener on the other side". I understood what that meant.

I forgot something else. I normally say it just didn't work out- we both made mistakes because we both did. No one needs the sordid details.

I'm 100 percent positive that my exh tells people exactly what I did and I know he adds to it for effect. That's okay. I don't own the things he says I did that I didn't but I have to own what I did when asked by people we both know.

He's forgotten about his own part of the demise of our marriage and has been able to skate on his problems because of my infidelity- and I understand that's just the way it is.

What if a WS started dating after the divorce. When would the truth be told in that situation? First date...second...after marriage?

Mine was telling people that "it just didn't work out" and that "she's just not meant to be married"..

I was telling people the same thing that I have told here and they are just floored until I play them the recordings of her.

I don't think infidelity is ever mentioned.

what guy wants to see a woman that says, "I cheated on my husband and then left him".

So it's probably fog babble of "it just didn't work out" and "he was not romantic, a control freak, boring, etc."

I'd bet they tell new people they meet the same kind of bovine excrement that they used to justify the affair.

"We got married too young/too soon after we met/for the wrong reasons/before I knew who he/she/I really was"

"We just grew apart"

"It just wasn't meant to be"

And the whole laundry list that every WS uses to sooth their own conscience for doing what they clearly knew was wrong...

Just add whatever your WS said to the list...

Unless the fog finally lifts and they see reality.

Mark

Yes, what do they say then?

Here's what they say......

My place, your's or the restroom"?

Thank God my husband chose to look beyond that when I told him what I'd done. Since the first time I told him he's never mentioned it again.

When I ask him how he trust me (remember he was the BH in his marriage) he says that he knows I'd never have another affair because of the guilt that I feel over the one that I had. He also knows I've done alot of personal work in IC and on myself. I guess that helps. He also knows my sitch inside and out.

Coach, if I met a woman like you, I'd say the same thing.

No, that's not a come on.

A FFWW is an exception. A FFWW has done the personal soul searching and has learned from the experience.

One that says, "Well, I had decided the marriage was over, so it's ok" still doesn't get it.

But you do and so does Mrs. W, and eeyore, and the other FFWWes on here.

FFWW = Fabulous Former WW. That's a special category for those ladies on this board who do so much for the betrayed and wayward.

Pardon me for butting in...but what is FFWW? Former-former Wayward Wife? Fabulous Former Wayward Wife?

On the question,

I think Mr. Gray and Slag will tell people (assuming they stay together) that I was mentally unstable because I was upset when I found out about their A.

Of course, the fact that OWH hired my Shiny Attorney kinda makes that arguement fall flat!! LMAO!! STILL makes my day when I think about it!!



Charlotte

My WstbxH tells people we broke up. Anyone I have run into that he talked to first was under the impression that our separation was mutual.

He also introduces OW as his wife. He put her on his life insurance as his commonlaw wife (saw it myself as we both had to sign the form to split the policy). He is on OW DD's school as her step dad.

Yes, well, I'm interested in hearing what they would say also.

I've thought about this.

If my M didn't make it, what I'd tell the next man I dated.

I honestly haven't thought about it THAT much, because I'm hoping I'll never need to know

But, my gut tells me that I'd definitely tell the guy I was divorced right off the bat. I think in the first few dates, it may not be necessary to say WHY, until you know that things might get serious. I don't think I need to advertise my scarlet letter A to the world if my M ended.

But I think I OWE it to anyone that I would date in the future, seriously, (ie, once we decided the relationship was "exclusive"-- I don't think this is conversation fodder for the first date...) the WHOLE story of WHAT HAPPENED. That I cheated. And to explain what I learned, and that I was sad that my M didn't make it, but that was the price I pay... lesson learned.

Yeah, that would probably give a "normal" person reservations. That means I have to "prove" something to the new person too... that I do have those boundaries that I said I learned about, etc, etc. And they SHOULD be able to see that, if I'm sincere (which I am!). That I've changed-- and I know how to avoid that situation in the future.

This would probably be a very serious, "I have to talk to you about something" sorta conversation, where you sit down and really TALK, not just brought up willy-nilly.

People make mistakes in past relationships. Its what you learn about that, and what you do GOING FORWARD that matters most to people you would date in the future... I would hope.

I don't know. Its a tough one. I'm hoping not to have to deal with it... that my M will just make it and that will be that

E.

See, this is the kind of information I would have to have right up front. If I couldnt' get the reason up front, then I would have to get it on the first date. Past adultery was an immediate knock out factor for me.

And I wouldn't disagree with that, necessarily...

But what I fear is what some people in this world would DO with that information, and on the first date, I probably don't know that person well enough to really determine that.

Quite frankly, if my M ended because of my A, I don't think I need to wear the scarlett letter A everywhere. Exposure was done a long time ago, anyone close to us knows what happened, and would know upon divorce that that was why (everyone knows we've struggled).

Its sort of an end of a chapter, begining of a new one thing to me. It wouldn't DEFINE who I was anymore-- it doesn't now, but that damage is still there, ya know? That DAMAGE wouldn't follow me to my next relationship-- and it certainly isn't who I am now.

I think the answer is a little different for those M's that end DIRECTLY after the A, where the WS never has a chance to earn that F.

I have, and I did. But that still doesn't mean my M will make it. An F isn't a guarantee, sadly enough. But, I at least think that F that I earned has at least earned me the chance that if the ultimate consequence of my bad decisions came along... I'd at least have a chance to start over without constantly advertising my red letter A.

I'd still disclose this information early on-- we aren't talking dropping a bomb months in here. But I don't think it is necessary on the first date. That is also to protect ME. There are weirdos out there that will do bizarre stuff, and I certainly don't want others that I hardly know starting rumors about me. I think you tell the person before major emotional attachment takes place, so if they have a "rule" like yours, ML, they can bail, no harm no foul.

I would hope people wouldn't be as judgmental about past actions and would at least give a chance to prove lessons learned though. Maybe that is wishful thinking...

It is a PART of me, but it ISN'T ME anymore.

E.