I am a BS so why do I also carry the embarrassment and shame for not only myself but my family and my WS? I see long time friends and people in the community who KNOW about my H A and I feel like running and hiding. I never know what to say - or wonder who knows and who doesn't. It's just very socially ackward.

Any advice?

I don't have advice, but the only way I could get over the embarrassment was to move to a different town. Doesn't work for everybody, but at least I don't have to hide in shame from seeing someone who knows, if my W and I are in public.

Hold your head high. Sure it's awkward but you can't worry about what other people think. They don't know what your life is like behind closed doors. You also don't know what's in their house. For all you know infidelity has affected their home but it's remained hidden. A lot of people are hypocrites anyway until it happens to them. It's like when people call a pregnant teen a sl&t. She's preggers so it's obvious she did the deed. Others can be banging their brains out but since there is sign of their behavior they can snicker at the one who can't hide it.

You never know - it may also suprise you that some may think you are a very strong person for not hiding and/or trying to save your marriage vs just walking.

The shame belongs to your husband, and you will learn to let it rest firmly on his head.

Your feelings are very normal at this stage. My ex and I worked together, and he brought his OW to work. All of our neighbors and friends new about her too. Also his family welcomed her into their homes.

At first, I had intense feelings of shame, and felt like people avoided me. It was very painful. But I held my head up high, took the high road and refused to be a victim.

When people started seeing my behavior, they all started looking up to me. Many people at work, friends and even family have even asked my advice when their marriage was going through problems.

And the thing I feel best about is that I modeled faithfulness and resilience to our children.

Hi LL,

I certainly understand how you feel. I felt the same also. What this tragic experience taught me was to know myself well. I learned that more are aware and often more supportive if we take the time to show we need help.

Part of my recovery included getting support from a chosen support group which included my son. It also included some strangers (i.e. utility company, local police, lady in the store, etc.). Yes, support can come from the strangest sources. Still they were valuable in helping me get back on my feet.

It takes time for you as the BS to heal. What helped me was to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Along with this I used techniques like reverse babble which allowed me to give the WS back his guilt.

Also you need to realize that you may go through what we call the 5 stages of grieving. See if you can find the thread in my sig link. Knowing the stages helped me get prepared. I had to exercise patience with myself because even though I knew what I needed to do, emotionally I wasn't ready to move forward.

I learned to move forward when my mind and heart were in sync. The power you will find at that time is awesome. When your mind and heart syncs up, no WS can tear you down. The day that happened to me is one I still vividly remember.

Hope this helps.

Take care,
Orchid

2 of your links (reverse babble and the 5 stages didnt work -

For me, I felt greater embarrassment before I told people. I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and had a great big dirty secret. I was avoiding people and was very guarded. Once I had 'let it all out' and it became common knowledge, I found people were very supportive.

In all honesty, most people have been great since we reconciled and seem genuinely pleased we are a family again.

Ditto. In fact, this is one of the reasons I jump all over threads where the new BS is balking on exposure. Exposure accomplishes an aweful lot more than just putting pressure on the A. It washes away a lot of the stress the BS is carrying and most people are absolutely wonderful. And besides, when you "let it all out" yourself, people know the truth and are far less likely to gossip.

Amen! I have found since I exposed I have no shame at all. My friends have been sympathetic and understanding. I know the shame belongs with my WW, and I believe deep down, they all (WS's) know it one day.

At least half the people you see on the street AND up close and personal, have had the same experience in their own life either as a BS or WS. Maybe even upwards of 80%. Comfort in numbers

Larry

Thank You all so very much. I took the advice and told a few close friends about the affair and it felt like a huge burden was lifted. My WH got mad but that's OK. I think the posts are right I'd rather be honest with people, let it come from me, rather than to gossip about what they THINK is the right story.

Thanks for the posts gang. I fell better!

Atta Girl!!!!!!

Don't worry about your WH's anger. It's perfectly normal. If he ever challenges you about it or says that it's your fault that people think such and such about him, just tell him it's his own fault for having the affair in the first place. Don't protect him from the consequences of his actions.

That's good, Lynn. But just remember, if you live in a small town...well, especially a small town...people are going to gossip whether they have a "good" story on you or not. If there's no story, they will make one up!!

Best just to not even think about it. It's not worth burning brain cells up worrying about it.

Charlotte

Took me about a year or two to get over the feelings of embarrassment, if that helps. And no, I didn't talk about the A with anyone by my FWW. In this small community, for a long while it felt like people were snickering at me behind my back. I still don't know who knows and who doesn't, but I've reached the point of not really caring anyway.

LynnLee,

I felt that way at first, too. Sometimes it felt like people could see right through me, into my very soul, into my pain and life and heart.

They can't see it. When you walk the beach, they see a beautiful woman pressing her toes in the sand with the wind whipping her hair.

As you walk in the grocery store, they see a wife shopping for the week's meals, wondering how to balance the budget and the waistline.

When you drop the kids off at school, they see a mom kiss her precious cargo and load them up with backpacks and lunches and grab that one last extra hug before they hurry off to make it before the bell.

When you go out to a restaurant with your husband, they see a couple together who are out for a meal. They think of a couple much like themselves, who have had their ups and downs, and are happy to enjoy a little downtime together. And they take a look at him and you together and remark, "He married up."


That's really how it goes, because in real life, people don't spend too much time thinking about what others are doing. They are too focused on themselves. And they can't see into you, either.

If they give any thought into what happened in your marriage, they are probably thinking that your husband is one lucky SOB, because you gave him a second chance - and that he probably didn't deserve it, they don't know what they would do in your position, and that they would NEVER have the strength to do what you are doing.

They are probably admiring you.


Why ever would you be embarrassed for being a woman strong enough to do the toughest thing in the world to do - stand strong and work through an affair and recover your marriage?????


If EVER some gossip comes back to you, here is what you say:

"They are jealous of me. They know that they would be too weak to stand on their feet through this kind of ordeal. Poor pitiful gossipy souls!"


Smile sweetly, and move on, because you are too busy with your marriage to worry about those gossipy idiots anyway.


SB

Hi,

Those are old links.

Here they are again:

Reverse Babble

5 Stages of Grieving

Looks like the above 2 links still don't work. I tried to send a message as instructed but it said it was missing a recipient info but there was no recipient info available. So until that function is fixed, there is no real way to get help. Sorry.

Trueheart's Letter


Trueheart's letter link worked. They are saved slightly differently. These links are about 7 years old.

Until the search feature is restored, I am not sure how to send folks to those links.

What I can do is answer any specific questions regarding reverse babble and the stages of grieving.

Hope that helps!
Orchid

Orchid,

Aloha!

Here's the links to all three.

If you ever need them again, I have them in my Musings Thread linked in my sig line. They appear on page 4. After the upgrade I worked with Justuss to get some of my links fixed.

Orchid's Original Reverse Babble

5 Steps of Grieving

Truehearts Letter

Nice to have you around again, Orchid!

Mark

I stopped taking my truck to the place WXH and the OW took it to because the guy behind the counter made a snarky comment to me.
I don't know how well he knew WXH and OW, or what he'd been told, but he'd apparently already made up his mind about me.

Whatever, I took my business elsewhere.
And IMHO he's just another idiot who fell for their lies.

Hold you head high - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Aloha Mark,

Thank you very much for fixing these links. I have updated my sig line and they work!! YIPPEE!!!

Hope this helps, this thread.

Take care,
Orchid

Thank you for this advice. And you know out of the 10 people I told, 7 of them had experienced A's in their own M? I was shocked. It is much more common than I ever realized.