I expect OM to repair his marriage not me.

You act like OMW is some sort of saint who is just innocent when we all know that A's are caused my neglect from the other side.

I owe this woman who neglected her husband nothing.

Well, you totally missed the whole point.

Sounds to me like you just don't give a crap about other humans. Yeah, I gave you a DJ. Well, know what? I don't care.

Charlotte

And I stand by my last post. You really DON'T give a crap. Nor do you understand MB concepts. You'd better go back and do some heavy reading, Bub.

Adios,

Charlotte

Let's get back to marriage building folks.

BigRed...

I'm curious, just how in the world does the name "introvert" convey bitterness???

FWIW, I am a FWW who believes wholeheartedly in exposure...I happen to KNOW that if my affair had been exposed to just OM's parents it would have ended THAT DAY...As it was I ended up exposing myself to my mom...she and Mr. W then took things into their own hands where OM was concerned, the affair ended due to that and they SAVED ME from myself...I think people forget that exposure HELPS the WS...Prevents them from destroying themselves and the people around them...It is a GODSEND...

And BigRed, Mr. W and I have had dinner with Dr. Harley, his wife Joyce, Steve Harley and his wife...We discussed exposure at dinner...It IS a part of Plan A...I've heard it straight from the proverbial horses' mouth...

You are mistaken...But, thank God for freedom of speech, it lets the rest of us know about folks such as yourself...

Exposure gives your marriage additional insurance...2 sets of eyes watching the infidels is way better than one...Not to mention the moral obligation...

What I am seeing here is a man frozen in fear who refuses to protect his marriage...MAN UP BIG RED!!!!

Mrs. W

BigRed, there is no shame in being afraid, most of us were afraid too. But don't bite the hand that tries to feed you. Don't shoot at the helicopters. Your anger and bitterness is very uncalled for and seems like a cover for FEAR.

Many well meaning folks here, who have RECOVERED MARRIAGES, reached out to try and help you. Sure, you don't have to take that advice. But there is no need to spit in the faces of the good folks here who didn't have to help you but DID.

No one was obligated to post a thing to you, but they did because they are good people who thought you wanted what WE HAVE: a recovered marriage. [something you DON'T have]

Try and show a little class by not spitting on the good folks who went out of their way to help you.

Wow, that is possibly the most cold hearted thing I have ever read here.

Riddle me this, you are driving by my home, my house is on fire and my children and I are asleep. Would you ignore us, maybe it was my fault since I left that candle burning.

(Affairs are not caused by BS's neglect, being neglected may be caused by BS neglect, but the Affair is all on the WS).

Is that why you are making this easy on your WW? Because you feel like it is your fault for driving her to it?

school in summertime.

in·tro·vert


1. a shy person.

2. Psychology. a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings (opposed to extrovert).

3. Zoology. a part that is or can be introverted.
–adjective

4. Psychology. marked by introversion.
–verb (used with object)

5. to turn inward: to introvert one's anger.

6. Psychology. to direct (the mind, one's interest, etc.) partly to things within the self.

7. Anatomy, Zoology. to turn (a hollow, cylindrical structure) in on itself; invaginate.




BigRed,

I cannot believe a grown man could act in such a self-absorbed manner. I left this thread a few days ago because of your lack of morals, lack of integrity, and your selfishness. How can you look in the mirror each day knowing that you are a part of hurting another human being (OMW)? You are a very pathetic man.

Your wife will not give you access to her phone records and you are so friggin' naive that you still think she is in NC? This is the same thing my WW told me "no, I won't let you have access to my cell phone records"....because she was still in contact!!!!!! Everyone here is telling you that she is still in contact (because of experience...and your WW's actions) and you choose to ignore us? Why? Because God told you so? This is so amusing to me for some reason. I believe in God too, but that doesn't mean he is going to stop an affair...there is only one person that can do that, and it ain't him. If he could, one would think that he would have not let her have the affair in the first place...no?

Are you really that dense?????

Grow some balls.

As a BH it makes me sick to my stomach to think there is a guy like you in this world that would rather stick his head in the sand than help out another human being (OMW). Maybe a year from now when you find out that OMW caught your WW and her WH screwing in a hotel room, then calls to let YOU know what is going on you will wake up...but it sounds like that is exactly what it's going to take, isn't it?

I'm out.

Call it "bitter" if you want, but at least I'm not a chickensh!t.

Let us all know how that 'burying your head in the sand' strategy works out for ya redhead.

BTW, if you lived next door to a child molestor how would you like it if no one warned you even though they knew?

Chickensh*t was kind compared to what I would say.

Hmmm, so much for the argument of exposure "so soon" as it looks like when you were pissed at your WW, you were fully prepared to contact OMW.

Huh? BFRH, IMO you are reminding me of a foggy WS for saying this...villifying a BS so that YOU can feel better about YOUR decision. Disgusting.

Ok Im going to try and address the last few posts. I havent been able to be on in while.
First of all let me recap because it seems people are posting without being caught up.

7/28/08 Wife says she wants a divorce but is willing to give me a chance. 8/11/08 found out about EA. Wife said she would not stop. 8/19/08 I finally find OMW number call it to EXPOSE for a few days and get nothing but voicemail. 8/20/08 she stops EA. I have access to her phone records, email, and bank account. I do not believe she has contacted him since she apologized. We are going to MC, and Plan A seems to be making changes. She is laughing with me, getting close to me, and has much less anxiety.


Introvert

I am sorry I called you bitter. And I never said introvert meant bitter I said every introvert I know is bitter. But I just spent the last 30 minutes re reading this entire thread. You have been forceful even call me chickensh!t. I just never felt like you had my best interest in mind. I am not a chickensh!t, i tired to call OMW and just got voicemail.

Melody and Charlotte

You have both been helpful and supportive. I dont want to bite that hand that feeds. But I do disagree with some of you ideas. I just want an answer to this...

IF exposure is such an key step why is in not mention in the 5 Q and A under Surviving an affair, Dealing with WW.

On calling OMW

If I ever feel morally convicted to call her then I will. I did try and call her and got nothing. To me that was God saying wait. I specifically asked him that if exposure was not suppose to happen then she would not answer the phone. She never did.

I am not a heartless selfish man. I went online and saw pictues of OMW/OM's daughter and cried knowing she could lose her family as my kids might.

But it is not the same as someones house burning down, it is not the same as having to call police when I report crime. It is a delicate issue. I have no idea what their problems are. I never saw anything OM wrote or said, it couldve been my wife completely pushing the issue. As a matter of fact I saw her last few texts to him, she was practically begging him to send her pics. I have a feeling he was just talking to my W, and she took it over the boundaries.

Is he innocent no, did he cross a line yes, can he repair his marriage with OMW ever knowing, yes.

What I do know

If I had exposed right away my W and I would not be where we are. Plan A is making changes I can see it.

Do the Harley's abdicate exposure, yes. But all the evidence points to the abdicating in specific situations. I really believe BS's should call the Harleys before they expose. Exposure in my situation could have ended in disaster. The EA ending up being expose by my wife herself and she intiated NC. Both my MC and Paster said they had seen similar situations where exposure made it worse.

I am not saying never expose I am not saying let WS's walk all over you. I am just asking that people seek professional advice and give Plan A time and prayer before they expose.

I did a couple LBs last night. Got the kids McDs and had them home late.

But later we looked at houses in the area we want to move if we can recover and we talked til 2 am about her work and what she was learning from the psychiatrist.

I know Conversation is a high EN for her. Im trying to keep it light and fun and non judgmental.

We have a date on Saturday night, bought new clothes went down a pants size, my sis said I looked good. I am going to get ready at my parents house then pick her up and bring her flowers like it our first date.

I am going to take her to dinner at a place we have never been together.

Still trying to think of something fun and cheap after dinner.

Did you cry that the WH could be carrying on his affair with your wife or some other woman? I don't understand your selective morality. You have said all sorts of things based in faith and mortality yet you let this woman twist in the wind and hope her WH will stop his behavior. Do you really care about her as a human being or only as long as it isn't your wife her hubby is boinking? I can't believe your pastors would take an attitude of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her." That's plain sad. It's just as disgusting as the Catholic Church protecting pedophile priests instead of children.


How do you know that? It's an "if" that has never happened. I get that you don't want to hurt the OM's wife and family with this information but your silence is doing just that. If your children's spouses cheat on them when they grow up and you find out about it are you just going to stand silent and pray that God intervenes? Does it matter if the BS is your best friend, or pastor, or a stranger?

Re read my posts I tried to expose and failed. And right now I dont feel exposure is the right to try again. You may be right and my heart may be changed I am just telling you how I feel atm. And pedophilia is not the same as an EA.

If you went to Vegas got drunk, got a hooker, would you have to tell you wife in order to have a good marriage?? While its not exactly the same, OMW does not have to know for things to be repaired.

Ill even bring it close to home, would I have had to know about my wifes EA in order for us to fall in love again??

Let me repeat I tried to exposed and continually got voicemail. To me that was a sign to wait.


I know my wife pretty well, Im pretty sure she would be outta the house atm if I had got in contact with OMW. But you are right it is a big "if", but with circumstances how they are currently I would have to say so far it was the right decision.

You are avoiding the BIG question.

Why do you feel like you are right by not telling OMW....on moral grounds?

I keep saying decision but thats inaccurate I had decided to call OMW and couldn't get a hold of her. I was actually pretty mad that I couldn't.

But a week later my wife exposed it to her family and she ended the EA. It was an answer to my prayer that she would be convicted, she was.

Before this happened I always told myself I wouldn't want to know if my wife had affair, as long as we could rebuild and recover then I wouldn't have cared what originally caused the problem.

I can saw now having gone through it, it wouldn't have mattered to me either way if I had known. It the results that count. Are the results of today because I found out about EA...who knows.

BFRH-- see this is where you are FLAT out wrong. Their marriage can NEVER be repaired (completely) if she doesn't know. Cause ya see, they would be living a lie. He is the only one that knows that. His wife has no idea. SHE doesn't get to decide what to do with HER life based on this knowledge. He (and you) are taking this choice away from her. No matter if they "repair" their marriage, it will be the equivalent of slapping a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Sorry. You're just not getting this.

I'm a Christian too, have been all my life, in fact, my daddy was a pastor. I think you're wrong for withholding this information from OMW.

FWIW, your own marriage is still in serious trouble if this is your mindset.

You know honestly I do not know.

What I do know is that I don't have a peace about continuing to try and call OMW.

I know that every person I have asked who I know has a better concept of morales then I do, says not to do it.

I and not convinced when it is compared to a fire, or crime, or pedophilia. Is it not the same.

Am I willing to call OMW? Yes, I have shown that, but right now I don't have a peace about it, it is not time crucial at this point since my W has ended it, so I will wait.