Hello,

I am new to this board. A couple of weeks ago I had an affair with a man is started as my hairdresser and became a friend. One night after drinking heavily we had a one night stand. My husband is currently in Iraq and I admitted my affair to him on Monday. He and I are trying to put our marriage back together. I have ordered Love busters, Surviving and Affair and 5 steps to romantic love for both of us. We are currently reading His needs, her needs. I know that it will take time and work to put the pieces of our marriage back together, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. I love my DH very, very much and am consumed with guilt regarding my actions. We have been married almost nine years and I have never once even thought of someone else. I have been severely depressed since dh left and allowed myself to abuse alchohol to try to deal with everything. I am currently on anti anxiety pills and anti depressents and am seeing a counselor. I am also daily sending my husband my schedule. He is unable to call me whenever he wants because of the area he is in and the time difference. I am trying to follow suggestions from His Needs, her needs and want to hold myself accountable to him whenver possible. I have also cut off all contact with the OM. He sent me a text message yesterday and I replied to please not contact me again. He sent me another message while i was on the phone with dh which i have ignored. He has not messaged me anymore. I am so sorry for the damage that i have done to my marriage and want nothing more than to do whatever is necessary to repair it and make it stronger. My dh and I have spoken several times over the last few days and we agree that while it will take work together we can do it. Are there any other things that i could or should do? I am looking for any advice, especially regarding any other ways that i could hold myself accountable for dh. We are brand new to this area and do not know a lot of people. My husband is currently considering coming home on R&R for 15 days in october. We had originally planned for this to happen at Christmas. If he comes home early I think it would be a good idea to seek some marriage counseling while he is here. Is this a good idea?? I am looking for any and all advice here. I know that I am 100% in the wrong and want to make it right.

Thank you for any advice you can give...

Don't lie.

Don't lie.

Don't lie.

Every lie is a knife in his heart.

Give him everything he asks for. No matter what. If he wants to know position, you tell him. If he want's to know how many times, you tell him.

DO NOT LIE AT ALL!!!!

Hi Jwtwins, and welcome to MB.

I'm glad that you are willing to have no more contact with the OM and to try to restore your marriage. Yes, getting marriage counseling while your H is with you is an excellent idea. Also, it may be tough in your situation because of the big diff in time zones, but when my H and I were in different countries we were able to find a MC willing to do counseling by conference calls. Not at all ideal, but it was better than not doing anything at all.

Keep coming back here and posting, ok?

Thank you for your advice. I do not want to do anything to further hurt my dh. I realize how much I have hurt him, our marriage and even our boys and I want to do whatever i can to fix it. He is also on this discussion board, he was here first and once i realized it i asked if he minded that i came here to. I want to let him know everything that i do. I am struggling with my depression right now but don't know how much to tell him because i know that he needs to focus on himself and I need to focus on doing whatever is necessary to help him. I don't want to turn this into him comforting me. We both have made mistakes, but I am the one who am in the wrong here. i don't want to lie to him, but i also want to be sure to give him the tlc and attention necessary to save our marriage. I love him and just want to be the wife he deserves.

That sounds great. Just do not justify to yourself lying to him.

Do NOT think "I'm protecting him"
Do NOT think "That will only hurt"

If he asks 'how many times' and it was three DO NOT tell him anything but THREE!!!

Why? Because, when he finds out (and he will) you are a liar AGAIN!!! You can't be trusted. Now he'll think it's 100 times!!

I can't stress enough....DO NOT LIE!!!!!

BTW, I will be recommending to him to polygraph you!!

DON'T LIE!!!!!!

Hi JW,

You both have found a good place to be. I would suggest that you both stay off of each others threads for awhile until you receive the support you need to help you get started.

Reading the books together is a good start. Being here is a good start. You need to write a no contact letter to this OM and let your BH approve it and send it. Change your cell phone # and your e-mail address. Then I would suggest coaching with the Harleys while he is home. Any other counseling is a waste of your time and money even if your insurance pays for it. IMHO

You now have a wonderful support group. We care.

God's Blessings,

Say

I don't want to admit what idiodic thing I did because I was talking on the cell phone while driving, but my reaction was to swear off ever talking on the cell phone while driving. In fact, I attached the cell phone to my key chain so I couldn't talk on the phone while driving.

Give up all alcohol unless you are with your husband. The alcohol was a factor in your ONS because it affected your judgement.

The fact that you came clean so quickly will help you. The fact that it was a ONS will help you. The fact that you feel great remorse will help you.

Now make a clear change in behavior by giving up alcohol.

Cherished

I did send him a NC message yesterday, but it was via text message. I sent it to him before i even confessed to dh. I sent another notification to him yesterday with dh knowledge. He sent me a message back yesterday that quite honestly frightened me. There was nothing really violent, but something in his tone scared me. At dh request i put the phone number for the mp (military police) into my cell and will contact them if he contacts me again. Do i need to send a letter as well? I will do whatever is necessary. He actually works on the post where we live so he has access to the base anytime. I have also deleted my myspace account. I still have a Facebook account which i got permission from dh to keep. I sent dh all of my passwords to everything yesterday. DH asked that i contact the cell phone company to have his number blocked which i plan to do tomorrow. However you mentioned changing my number entirely. I will bring this up to dh when he calls. As far as i know he doesn't have my email address, but i will create a new one and start transfering everything over. (My current email is where all of our household bill stuff goes to.) Thank you for your advice. I also understand what you are saying about staying off of each others threads. I fully intend to stay off of his threads. I have honestly read his current one (I spoke to him last night and he told me i could) but i will stay off of it from now on. again thank you for your advice. I will continue to read.

I agree with the dont lie stuff - BUT beg him not to ask detail questions. Have him come read this if he wants to know why you are asking him to not ask. While he may think he wants to know he might feel differently once he does. If you and he are willing to move forward the details will only hurt him more.

But ... if he asks TELL HIM. If he asks for details DO NOT LEAVE ANY OUT.

The NC letter is not only to establish NC. It is for your BH. In it you tell OM that what you did was wrong and it hurt your H and your family and you never want do that again. There are very good examples of letters on this site. It will help to begin the healing process for your BH.

Change your cell #. He could always call from another #. Don't take any chances on contact. It will help to soothe yout BH's fears and prevent you from the shock of unexpectedly hearing OM's voice.

You do fully realize how blessed you are that your DBH is giving you a chance to make things right don't you?

God's Blessings,

Say

Thank you for your suggestion. I have removed all alchohol from my house.

Okay. I understand now. I will look for the examples and write the letter.

I also talked to dh about the cell phone and I am calling at&T tomorrow to see about changing my number.

I am very blessed and have told dh repeatedly that I do not feel that i deserve him. I am struggling greatly with my depression and anxiety issues right now. I am trying to stay in the word daily and am currently doing a Beth Moore bible study on Daniel. The discussion tonight was about how God uses fire refine us further. DH and i have discussed how we feel that we will not allow this to break us and I pray that to be true. I will do whatever is necessary to show him how sorry I am and how much i love him. I am sure that sounds stupid but it is true.

I miss my husband very very much and while i worry about him coming home for R&R I feel like until we are together we cannot fully heal. My husband and my boys are the most important things in the world to me. I began this week strongly considering ending my life because i truly feel that I do not deserve my husband. But i have realized that is the easy way. It won't help anyone least of all the people that i have hurt the most. I know that this will be hard and i am prepared for that. Honestly I am mentally at the lowest point i have ever been, but I will get my life in order. i will do whatever is necessary to have a strong marriage. Again, thank you for your advice.

I'm glad you came here for help. Sounds like you are doing some of the right things. What is your H username here?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you and your DH are making excellent progress.

I just want to make a couple of comments. You describe the affair as a "one night stand". This may be the case. But it seems to me that it could possibly be more accurately described as an "emotional affair" that went physical one night when you were drunk. I mention this because I think it is important for you to think accurately about what happened in order for you to best establish boundaries for yourself.

It sounds like this guy continues to have some feelings about you that make you nervous. I ask you to consider talking to someone in the MP about what happened to you with this "hairdresser." I ask you to consider this for two reasons: It could help protect you from him and also protect you from any potential urge you may have to break "no contact".

But also, it may protect other women on the base from this guy. I think that the folks on the base have a right to protect themselves from him. He had sex with you and then attempted to continue contact with you after you said "no contact". He did it in a way that you felt threatened.

I am not saying he is responsible for what happened to the two of you. You are responsible for your actions. But he did act in a manner that is not honorable or appropriate.

Is he also in the military or does he simply have access to the base?

Okay. No he isn't military. He works at the PX (like a mini mall) as a hairdresser. My concern with going to the mp's is that first of all they will laugh at me for worrying about something that is at this point nothing. He hasn't threatened me and hasn't contacted me again since the second nc request. He just made me nervous. Also, how much detail do I go into with them? I know that my husband has spoken to a chaplain in Iraq, but at this point hasn't spokent to any of his superiors or peers regarding what is going on. He has told me that as much as possible he wants to keep this between us. The military like anything is a lot of gossip and i do not want to do anything that will hurt him (any more than i already have) or his career. He has to work with these people everyday and will one day be asking them for references. However i also do not want this guy to come anywhere near me or more importantly my children. I wasn't forced into my relationship with him. I agree that I am entirely responsbile for what happened but as much as possible i want to do what is necessary to make my husband comfortable and protect my children. They have met this guy as well. We have gone to his apartment to let the kids swim in his pool and he has been over at my place for dinner. They asked about him the day before yesterday and I told them that he was moving away and they were fine with that. Being military kids moving is a fact of life for them. However, I worry about him trying to contact them at the playground or something. At this point I do not allow them to go outside of our yard without going with them. This is new to them and they don't like it. Being on post they are given a little more freedom than off post and they don't understand why this is being changed. A friend of mine told me to get a restraining order, but at this point because he hasn't threatened me i don't think i can. I also worry that doing so would add fuel to the fire and he would at that point get so mad that he would come over here. I am by myself with the two boys until dh comes home for R&R (15 days) and then by myself again until March. I have never been nervous of being here alone (we have been in the military since 2004) but now every little sound makes me want to check and recheck my doors and windows. I am supposed to take Lunesta to help me sleep but can't bring myself to take it because I am afraid I will sleep to deeply and something will happen. Without it i don't sleep more than a couple of hours and i know that this is adding to my depression but don't know where to go.

I also don't know that I am entirely clear what an emotional affair is. I will do some searching on the website to read more about it. i am assuming that it is more of an affair that happens with thoughts and then in my case went physical. Is that correct? I have had male friends in the past (always when dh was here ) that were usually also dh friends. I honestly didn't think that it was a problem, but realize now that it is. This makes me nervous about even getting to know my neighbors husbands. Because DH is deployed and the military community is close it is entirely normal for the guys who are here to help out if needed. Because of this though i don't know if that is a boundry i want to cross. there are things that need to be done that I can't do on my own. As simple as changing a floresent light that i have no idea how to do, but am not comfortable asking someone to help me with it. Is that stupid?

jrwalker

I only have a few minutes to respond to your post. An emotional affair is an affair where you allow your emotional needs to be met by another person. You share information with that person that you would not want your spouse to know that you shared. You keep secrets with that person. You have contact with that person that you do not allow your husband to know about. You develop feelings for that person and do not want your husband to know that you have feelings for them. You talk about your marriage with that person and tell him things that you would not want your husband to know that you were saying. A tension of emotion or sexuality can develop that you don't want your spouse to know about. Frequently people in EAs deny this tension exists within the relationship. In an EA, you think a lot about that person and about what your next meeting will be like. Frequently, in an EA, you become somewhat obsessive about meeting up with the person, or having some sort of contact with them.

You will have needs that your H will not be able to meet since you are apart. I think it would be good if you put a call out to others in the Military to on these boards to talk about how others deal with this. Knowing that it was also an EA and not just a one night stand will help you to establish boundaries to prevent another EA from happening. I am certain that other military people can help you.

Others in the Military may be able to help you decide what to do about this guy and your current fears.

I think you are on the right track and are now asking good questions.

Hi Jwtwins,

I replied to your H on his thread and just wanted to let you know that you are doing the right things to start rebuilding your M.

I would strongly suggest that you start MC with your post Chaplain and get plugged into a good women's group and see if you can find a good female accountability partner.

Semper Fi,

RIF

I've done the Beth Moore study on Daniel, I loved it!

Are you watching the videos too, or just going through the workbook? The intros to the videos really drive home the point about living in a secular world but being separate from it.

Also, what's the thing about, there's three ways God can answer prayer to be delivered from something? Something like, he can deliver you FROM the fire, so you don't have to experience it... or he can deliver you THROUGH the fire, so you get refined... or he can bring you home. Is that right?

Welcome to MB.

Why was there a second NC done? One should have been enough.

I agree when your DH asks questions dont lie to him be FULLY honest with him. If he wants details give him details. It might have been a ONS but its still a big issue.

Give your DH all passwords to emails, myspace, facebook etc...

Keep us posted on how you are doing. Sounds like you and your DH are off to a good start.