how do we clone him?

Yes, we actually have two houses to sell, in two diff countries due to our jobs. We'l finally have jobs within driving distance of each other! So far neither house has sold so we haven't made an offer on a house yet... looks like next week we'll be in a hotel.


Well the main application is in FORTRAN but it's writing data that is analyzed using a program written in C++........ and so we're writing macros in both FORTRAN and C++..... it's all very confusing to me. I grew up speaking FORTRAN and I can edit someone else's C++ code if it's something straightforward, but I have a problem when it comes to needing to be bilingual....


No that wasn't me. I think that was myschae, not sure.

[uote]Regarding the husband being cranky and this making you nervous, did you ask him if he was being cranky about you or something else? This might help you separate him being moody about life in general with being mad at you. [/quote]

I didn't ask him that specifically, but I did ask why he was mad at me, and he said he wasn't.

There's lots of reasons he may be feeling stressed: selling houses, moving, starting a new job, needing to get a work visa by Saturday...

I was wondering earlier, is it a DJ to use common sense and/or psychology to figure out things like that, like taking into account that H may be stressed?

Hi Jayne,

I see a few things in your post where you are defining your husband's feelings in a negative way.


What I'm saying here is that you were saying that he acted mad all day, and he says he wasn't. So you're basically arguing about how irritated he acted.



So what you told him is that he doesn't respect you. There are many reasons that he might not answer, but it could be that he didn't agree. I think what you were trying to say that the way he treats you (give examples) makes you feel that he doesn't respect you.

Like "when you laughed at me when I was trying to change the light bulb, it made me feel like you think I'm too stupid to do simple things."


You are dwelling on the negative here. He gave you a compliment, you know how to get things done.



I'm the same way, but when you add up the number of times I talk to people, it does seem that I'm outgoing. People that are good collaborators are not often introverts. Again, this is a nice compliment.


Now you're just being a bit hard on yourself. I worked very hard all through uni, and I work very hard now. Its just a personal trait. He is being admiring of your work ethic.

Just take the compliments, girl! You put him on the spot, and asked for some positive things and he gave them. If he thought you were an idiot I doubt he would have said those things.

I like your idea about trying to be more independent, that's a good move. You can offer him the opportunity to help, but let him know that you don't need him to.

Like going to the grocery store, "Hey, I'm going to buy groceries, do you want to come along and pick out some things that you like, or would you rather hang out here?" You are including him, but you're not dependent on him.

What sort of work does your husband do? Is he a very logical sort of person over-all?

I don't think its a dj unless you tell them that's why they are acting a certain way.

Like you asked your dh if he was mad at you, and he says no. So you say "Yes you are, you keep glaring at me whenever I come in the room."

To which he might say "I'm glaring because you're interupting the football game!"

One of the other posters husband has something called "Rule 44". It means that whatever he said, if there is a way to take that means that he's not in trouble, then that's what he meant.

happy, thank you for posting. You've pointed out a lot of behaviors I think we all have but try not to recognize. I will definitely use it.

Oh, ok I think I get your point... what was bothering me was how he acted... which isn't necessarily indicative of how he felt toward me, so instead of my disputing how he felt, it would've been more accurate to say that I felt bad when he acted xyz.


Well, except this really was about me wondering what he thinks of me... nothing specific, just thinking about how he acts in a way I would call an IB, which is an LB to me, but he might think it's a virtue... and similarly he may think that my NOT IBing is an LB... and I realize me trying to figure out something like that may be a DJ, but OTOH isn't it good to try and take into account our spouse's individual personality and stuff, and figure things out like if they're stressed then we'd cut them more slack, etc? And for H's like mine, asking him to fill out the LBQ and ENQ is itself an LB so shouldn't I make an effort to figure out something like, he counts NOT IBing to be an LB?


I knew I'd get called for that! Yes I realized at the time that I was rejecting the compliments, I should just accept them.


Oh yes, very logical... if you name the 5 most stereotypical logical nerdy type jobs you possibly can, I bet his (our) job will be in that list.

And there we are with the number one problem I think we all face - our perceptions don't align with their perceptions. We need to stop assuming we know what the other one thinks. yeah?

Yes, I know that's one of the main ideas here... but does that mean we shouldn't try to figure out those things, especially when they don't tell us?

I can imagine a poster complaining about something their H did, and folks replying that maybe he was being defensive for this or that reason... or maybe he was stressed because of something else going on unrelated to the M...

... so isn't it a good thing to use that information? I am too tired now to word this right, and even if I wasn't tired, I've been trying to figure out all day how to put this into words...

{{{jayne}}} we can work on this later, 'k?

Ok. Thanks for talking. I'm just getting confused, I can see both sides...

I'm not arguing with you, I'm just trying to sort it out, 'kay?

What are you doing up so late anyhow? You doing ok?

I have a side job I'm supposed to be finishing, a script I hired out to write, that was due 2 months ago, so I'm sitting here vaulting between writing the script and getting my MB fix. And watching Clean House on Style channel.

Cool! A script, like a movie script??!!?

Ok did I miss seeing your reply for two hours, or is my computer still thinking I'm in the MST time zone?

I should be going to sleep soon, I have to get up at 5 a.m. (and i'm on east coast time in spite of what my MB account says). I was sleepy around 8:30 or 9:00 but now I'm wide awake. Tired tho.

More like a 30-minute animated religious script. But if it turns out, it pays $500. Assuming they pay. I finished another script for a guy from New Zealand for the same price, and I sent it to him in June and never heard back from him, let alone my payment. What I get for being nice and not demanding proof of payment.

It's 10:50 here. Need to go to bed myself.

G'night then.

I went to get milk and cookies to help get to sleep, but it seems we're out of milk! Oh well, we got the cookies...

Hi Jayne, I think you're on the right track. There's certainly nothing wrong with analysing our partner to see if we can figure out their point of view. I guess what I was saying is that we should go to the horse's mouth for the input rather than just guessing.

Its difficult if the men won't tell us what's up though. My dh is under a lot of stress lately and I'm coming to realize that he's a high-stress type of person. That stress is not always caused by me!

One thing I've learned from dh is that if he's mad at me he'll tell me, and is pretty obvious about it. If he's sulking around the house, holed up in his office I will ask him about it, but he generally says its something else.

Now here's the thing...sometimes I'm pretty sure that he's still ticked at me about something, but he tells me he's not. In those cases, I just have to take him at his word. If I'm mostly, definitely sure that its about me, I might apologise again about whatever our latest issue was about, but otherwise I just leave him alone to get over it.

One time I did something bone-head and he was still mad about it a day later. I asked him if he was still mad about X and he said yes. I said "Do you need to stay mad about this for a while?" and he laughed and said "I guess so". It broke the ice, and while I realized that he was still cranky about it, it didn't bother me so much.

Hope the cookies were good.

jayne, I hear you that you feel your H's attitude impacting you all night, and he says he's miserable, yes, but only part of the time .

How does he respond when you give him a 6 second kiss or a hug? Does that reset his chemicals?

What about planning in some fun RC and FC in there, too? You two must have a list 2 miles long of things to do; would you two be willing to count it as RC or something to time yourself for 15 minute "sprints" to see how much you can get done?

No, right now I definitely got the impression he just wanted to be left alone. I don't think he's in the mood for turning any chore into RC.

He also just tolkd me we aren't driving to Ottawa... remember the promise to take the kids to the museum, and he IB'ed and bought tix for the tour-from-heck, and said we'd go to the museum for sure when we came back in a few days?


Broken promises *really* bother me. I feel just horrible now.

... and it's my birthday today. MIL remembered, sent email, transferred some money to H's account, and mailed a card in time to get to me two days early. Nothing from anyone else, except H said happy birthday when I got up this morning at 5:20 a.m. (had to be at some training bright and early) and gave me a card... the kinda card you'd get for an acquaintance. Has a funny picture on the front, and just says "Happy Birthday" on the inside.

And he IS the type to write something really sweet. He usually does. He's even better at that stuff than I am. Not this time though.


And now I see I don't even get a birthday cake from MB like others have!
**************************************************************************

Update:

H does love me after all! He just asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch for my b-day, and I broke down in tears and asked why he got me such a bad card. He hugged me and said that he hadn't had time to go buy a card and that was just the most appropriate one that he could find in the house - as in, it wasn't a mother's day card, and it didn't say "Grandma" on it!

I can understand not having time. That's MUCH better than if he purposely had gone out and bought a cold card!

He said "I usually buy you good cards don't I" and I said yes, that's why this one hurt so much.

all is better now! We're going out to lunch.