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Joined: Aug 2008
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Joined: Aug 2008
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I originally posted this thread in the "Just found out" forum on Tuesday. I thought I should go ahead and post it here also and get more people to help. I will not be posting in the threads Jwtwins (my S) starts ( her thread). We have ordered SAA, LB, and "5 Steps to Romantic Love" (a copy of each for both of us). We are both currently reading HNHN and trying to work things though over the long distance. Thank you for the help. Hey everyone,
I am new to this board and fairly new to this website. I have read through Basic Concepts, but I dont know what to do from there.
A little background:
I am in the US Army and currently deployed to Iraq. I have been here since March. I talk to my wife daily and my kids every couple of days. I know I am not affectionate enough, even when I was home, and I dont like talking about my feelings. My wife had some good friends with some of the other spouses at our base, but she started hanging out with her hairdresser as well. I had no problem with this, he was her friend and she was never alone with him. Apparently one night they went out to drink. She got a bit drunk and ended up sleeping with him.
This happened about two weeks ago; she told me last night over the phone. About a week ago, I was given "His Needs, Her Needs" by our chaplain. My wife went out and purchased it also. We were both reading it, which is partially why she told me. According to her, she has cut off all contact with him and has told him that if he contacts her she will call the MPs (we live on post, but Jeff can get on as well). We spoke for about 3 hours last night after she told me.
I love her still, the kids and her are the lights of my life, but I don't know what to do from here. We have implemented many of the steps Dr. Haley suggests. She has cut off all contact and will email me her schedule each day. She can't check in with me via phone due to the time difference. But can I can trust her?
I dont know what to do from here. I havent taken my R&R yet. We were waiting so I could be home for Christmas, but I am not sure if I should take it early and go home ASAP. In reality, I dont know if I could stand to be around her right now; but I know I can't live without her in my life.
I just don't know where to go from here. I am so confused on what to do and why this could happen. I realize now that I haven't been fulfilling her need for affection; but I don't really think that this was about that.
Thank you for "listening".
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 3,474 |
Your wife made a terrible mistake, recognized it, admitted it immediately, and now wants to work with you on the marriage. What I would recommend is that you work on "extraordinary precautions." She is vulnerable to an affair because she's human, and she succumbed because she did not take extraordinary precautions. Talk with her about staying away from other men, getting into groups with women (Moms of Preschoolers, a Bunco group, etc), and having ways to communicate with you more frequently.
Your reaction shows just how strong your marriage is.
Cherished
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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First, thanks for serving and protecting our country. We have heard from a lot of men separated by the war who are facing the same thing.
The good thing is that she told you. That is unusual. So I'm very hopeful for your marriage and recovery. Of course, she needs to have no contact with him any more, and needs to write him a no contact letter. It should be approved by you, and say that the affair was a HUGE mistake, she loves you and her family and wants no more contact with him for any reason FOREVER.
She also needs to take precautions not to go out, even in groups. If she needs companionship, she can stay busy with female friends during the day.
It will take a lot of time for you to start feeling better. A betrayal is a horrible shock. Stick with us and we will help you deal with all of the sadness and anger.
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
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First Thanks for serving all of us.
Second, the guy is a maggot who should not trod on the soil of an American military base. Expose him to his boss at the salon. He deserves whatever he gets. Sounds like a preditor, absolute filth, I would guess he may have done this before to women on base, this may be his mode of operation, he is a threat to morale, creep.
Make sure your wife gets STD tested immediately, since hes a hairdresser and might be a switch hitter too and that population has a higher incidence of AIDs. Protection used? That detail is important. I didn't want to bring that up but it is vital.
Your wife is a gem to come clean so quickly, but sorry you had to deal with this so far away.
God Bless
(newjersey)
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 10
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 10 |
First Thanks for serving all of us.
Second, the guy is a maggot who should not trod on the soil of an American military base. Expose him to his boss at the salon. He deserves whatever he gets. Sounds like a preditor, absolute filth, I would guess he may have done this before to women on base, this may be his mode of operation, he is a threat to morale, creep. I agree this guy is a maggot and blood sucker. My W has learned what he is really like since sending him the NC. He has made no overt threats (nothing we could take to MPs), but the tone of a text message he sent to W was less than pleasant. When in the house, we used to leave the doors unlocked and windows open. Since the last text from OM, she has gone and made sure all windows and doors are locked. She doesn't answer the door unless she looks out the window first to see who is there. I dont want to enflame the situation anymore especially while I am not home. Also, OM is supposed to be moving out of the area soon (not sure when) to get a better job. Make sure your wife gets STD tested immediately, since hes a hairdresser and might be a switch hitter too and that population has a higher incidence of AIDs. Protection used? That detail is important. I didn't want to bring that up but it is vital. She assures me protection was used, but I don't know if a test should still be done. Also, how do we go about getting tested for STDs? Your wife is a gem to come clean so quickly, but sorry you had to deal with this so far away.
God Bless
(newjersey) Yes she is a gem. She is the light of my world. That light has dimmed significantly, but through God's help and hard work, I believe we can make it grow brighter than ever. At this time, I think the separation has been good. We have been kind of forced into a combination Plan A/Plan B. We are working through the issues together, but apart (if that makes sense...). We are able to heal ourselves, apart from one another, before we have to try and face each other. In reality, I don't know what my reaction would have been if she told me face-to-face. Being away has forced me to talk more. Conversation is one of the EN that we have identified as lacking prior to this and one of the things I am working.
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Joined: Dec 2006
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Like the others have said. Thank you for all that you do over in Iraq.
Second. Yes it is rare for a WS to come fourth with any level of an A. I am happy that she has come clean to you and together even over long distance you both are willing to work on your M. I think it was either to you or another person that was told to see about doing a long distance counseling? Or go one on one with the Harleys if possible. I havent called them but have heard they are a big help.
I am glad you both are reading the material here. I havent read all of them.
I just wanted to show my support to you in serving your duty over seas and to let you know that there are great people here that can help you move foward into recovery with your WW.
Best of luck
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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Joined: Jul 2008
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JRW My county offers clinics, I would guess whatever county she is in would offer similar, they are also usually anonyomous I think. See link for an example. This might avoid the embarrisment of going to a doctor who knows her already. http://www.co.burlington.nj.us/departments/health/schedule/clinic/index.htmAlso her primary care physican or gynecologist would be a good starting point. God Bless, keep strong. NJ
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Joined: Apr 2006
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JRW-
As much as I don't agree with some of the things that they do, Planned Parenthood also does this kind of confidential testing. My oldest DD had really awful insurance at her last job, which would barely cover part of the office visit fee for her "annual exam" and didn't cover any lab fees. Her doctor told her that she could go to Planned Parenthood for a much reduced price.
johnstwin-
"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther
Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!
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