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Joined: Sep 2002
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Hi all...i am one of those annoying board members who lurks alot, then posts but has a real hard time actually taking the good advice i have gotten here many times. that could be part of why i am in my most recent position, actually.  read my signature first, if you don't mind...now WH has broken NC with OW #1 from 6 YEARS ago and we are back in full A mode via texting/email/IM for the past month. OW is now married (to my H's ex-friend no less)and has a young child. it seems that the two of them may be thinking they are going to ride off into their foggy sunset together. you see they were both 'so unhappy' in their marriages so it's no wonder they are back in contact again. yeah, ok. been there, done that. H is still in the home, has hinted at wanting D but hasn't done anything about that. typical wayward behavior most of the time but still giving hugs, still wearing wedding band. I asked H to move out recently because after all this I really wanted him to..but he won't, unless i file for D...and now i am wavering. We did NOTHING right to recover from the previous A's, nothing...so maybe that's where i am becoming foggy myself and still having hope that we can start over. or, have i just lost my mind completely because of these serial A's?? i honestly don't know anymore.
Me 37, H 38
Dated 5 yrs, M 5/2002
15 yo DD
DDay 1 - 9/2002 OW 20 yo relative of H's friend
DDay 2 - 6/5/06- met OW on 2 week business trip, knew for one week - wanted D. A continued via phone/txt through 9/2006
NC Since 10/2006
DDay 3 - 8/2/08 - OW#1 has slithered back into the picture
Plan D
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Joined: Sep 2003
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Does your H have ANY respect for the institution of marriage at all?
Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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Joined: Mar 2007
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No kids + repeat offender = dump him and don't let yourself be hurt again.
Kids grown up?
At a minimum:
Expose. Expose to OWH at a minimum. He needs to know. They have a child together.
Expose to everyone under the sun.
Play hardball. I really think most men don't respond well to having the cake eating be taken away by a woman who responds strongly.
Wishy washy will get you nothing.
Self respect will.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Posts: 1,463
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Why would you even ask that? His actions are the answer to that.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
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You were married in May and your first d-day was September? This guy has never been married to you. In name perhaps but he's been acting like a single guy the whole time. You can do a lot better than this.
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Joined: Sep 2002
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OP
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i don't know what's wrong with me and why i can't just leave, or kick him out, or whatever...i have struggled with depression and alcohol abuse for a few years now and that doesn't help anything...i have made alot of improvements on those things but maybe the guilt of the way i behaved before makes me think i don't deserve much. there have been many times when i would have wished for this to happen again so i could up and leave and not look back, so i don't know why when i am in the thick of it now i seem to be unable to act, or do anything much at all.
Me 37, H 38
Dated 5 yrs, M 5/2002
15 yo DD
DDay 1 - 9/2002 OW 20 yo relative of H's friend
DDay 2 - 6/5/06- met OW on 2 week business trip, knew for one week - wanted D. A continued via phone/txt through 9/2006
NC Since 10/2006
DDay 3 - 8/2/08 - OW#1 has slithered back into the picture
Plan D
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,916
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i don't know what's wrong with me and why i can't just leave, or kick him out, or whatever...i have struggled with depression and alcohol abuse for a few years now and that doesn't help anything...i have made alot of improvements on those things but maybe the guilt of the way i behaved before makes me think i don't deserve much. there have been many times when i would have wished for this to happen again so i could up and leave and not look back, so i don't know why when i am in the thick of it now i seem to be unable to act, or do anything much at all. You don't know what is wrong with you? Sheesh  Answer; You are afraid to be alone. You fear having nobody to hang on to. Fear makes you who you are. :twobyfour: Fix it; get some self respect and divorce the cretin. He is what he is and he is a toxic jerk. :twobyfour: Got it? Oh, and you are getting what you deserve so long as you give out the poor pitiful pearl routine! :twobyfour: I mean all of this in the kindest way I can. You haven't taken good advice before, why are you here now? AND, adding this: How does doing as you are help your kid? :twobyfour: Larry
Last edited by _Larry_; 08/28/08 02:49 PM. Reason: add comment
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Hold on!
Let's not just jump into divorce here when there is a big red flag on her part.
How bad is your alcohol abuse and depression?
This is a big deal and a HUGE LB.
This is a big, big deal. NO woe is me when alcohol abuse is involved.
Get help for that. Make the committment. But take action on your H's affair.
Your H might be sick of seeing you drunk and seeks comfort from a "friend".
So quit making it easy on him to find excuses to leave you and get help, make changes, and do something for you. And if not for you, then do it for your daughter. Do you want your daughter to grow up and say, "my mom had a drinking problem" which could be followed by "I wish she had gotten help for that so that dad wouldn't have left".
You need a 4x8!
Please get help, so that he doesn't go further and you give him a wife he wants to be with and your daughter has a mother to be proud of!
Last edited by pomdbd3; 08/28/08 08:20 PM.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Posts: 517
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Mpele, you are very beautiful according to your photo, its a shame that your serial cheating husband is going to take your best years away while you waffle around.
Stick up for yourself!
WHACK!
WHACK!
SNAP!
You broke my 2x4... I shouldn't need it anymore anyways...
RMX
FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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Five years ago, this is what you said: It's been a REALLY long time since I've been on here or posted. I was just yearning for advice today - my 1 year anniversary is coming up in three weeks and I keep thinking about what an awful year this has been; and here I am in the same situation. Since d-day I have done some of the right things to recover and alot more of the wrong things. The hurdle I can't seem to get over is coming to the realization that H is not going to change, now or probably ever..now, I know that he will only change if he wants to and that I need to work on myself, etc - I have had many therapy sessions talking about just those things, believe me! But, how do you move on?? How do you pick up the pieces and try to heal your shattered heart and life? I come home and look at my H as he is making a wonderful dinner and playing with our D and think this is the way it should have been all along, but then later I'll bolt up in bed next to him after yet another nightmare about H and OW and it seems like that pretty picture is just a lie like all the other lies he told me. I'm young, and attractive, I raised a daughter on my own for a long time, I have a good job and own a condo...how can I be so with it in those ways but continue to live with a man who practically destroyed me??? Enough of the drama, just looking for some input!
Thanks And you said it and said it and said it. But you never did anything meaningful to change your life. Well, you do drink and get depressed. How does that help your kid? How does that help YOU? Larry
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