BGuy

I'm curious why you are asking the question. Is it just for discussion or is something going on in real life?

I'd wanted to know if she had been previously married, and if she had any kids right away. I'd want to know a quick summary of why she had a divorce before the date was over, if there was any intention of having a 2nd date.

By quick summary I mean...check one of the options below.

- We couldn't get along
- I cheated
- He cheated

I would honestly be impressed with anyone who had enough courage to bring up the subject honestly and without sugarcoating; enough self-awareness to describe the lessons he or she learned (about why it happened, how to prevent it happening again, and the consequences of the betrayal); and enough decency to own his or her choices (and not try to blame the Betrayed Spouse for anything).

If you've really learned from your mistakes, then you have learned the terrible cost of infidelity... the hard way. And you know from experience that you don't want to go down that path again. The old "sadder, but wiser" thing.

Red flags for me would be someone who was reluctant to discuss it, or who glossed over it the way described in this thread ("it just didn't work out", etc). But anyone willing to take the risk of bringing it up themselves, and candid about their bad choices and the hard lessons they've learned would be someone worth knowing, in my book.

last summer my new H and I went to a wine tasting party in our neighborhood. At one point I was in the kitchen with several ladies, chatting. One of them (I'll call her Mary) was talking about someone she knew who had recently divorced his W, and was getting married to his GF, and she felt bad for him because many of his friends would not attend the wedding, since he had "hooked up" with this woman while he was still married. "Mary" said that his friends just did not understand that even though he technically had an A, his M was actually over long ago.

I, of course, went off. I said "Oh yeah? His first M was over long ago? I'll bet his W didn't know that. I know that my first H told many people that our M was actually over long before he left - but you couldn't prove that by me. As long as we were still living together, sleeping together, I was cooking and cleaning for him, etc, I had no idea that our M was actaully over and we were free to date. I'll bet that your friend never told his first W that their M was over either, and that she would soon be replaced"
"Mary" looked stunned at me. she barely spoke another word for the rest of the day, and I felt embarassed. After all - this is a sore subject with me. but she doesn;t know me, and certainly didn't know my story. Several other women in the kitchen at that time knew - but not "Mary". I apologized to her later for being a little too heated, and she barely said "thats Ok"

later, I realized that I had probably just uncovered Marys secret as well. Again, I don;t know her, and have never seen her since. but I know that she and her H had not beeen married for very long,and they were on their 2nd M's. So I have a feeling that the reason she took sympathy on someone whose M was "over long ago" was becuase that was the same lame excuse she had used when she dumped her 1st H. I think that is why she looked at me with such shock, and clammed up.

Curiosity, mainly. Because I live in a city and state that I didn't grow up in, I am inevitably asked questions about why I'm here, etc. It's pretty easy for me to explain my situation to new friends, but I'm curious how a wayward or former wayward would handle those types of conversations when meeting new people, dating or trying to start a new relationship.

Woman of faith 5

As I read your post it appeared right away that mary was an OW, and seeking indirect support for justification for what she did to her BH.

Back to the tread:

When you go out for a date one always looks to see if there are any reasons why they would not want to have a second date.

For a person that will not want to date a FWS there is no point in withholding such information. As with a D day it is better for WS to confess rather then be caught. So goes for when they are out on date.

Why invest time when your past is a deal breaker for some?
Some people do not want to date a single parent. Why keep that a secret? Religion different, for some it must be the same. Other's they don't care.

A FWS has no right to not be up front.

Fantastic response. Absolutely perfect.

Yes, I wish I had known the marriage was over too while I was at war. That would have been a good detail.

I think I'll become a state Senator and create a law that says that divorce doesn't have to be no contest anymore. We can skip all the formalities. When one spouse decides it's over, that's good enough.

We'll save the parties lots of money that way. :RollieEyes:

But Pom, you'll put all the lawyers out of business and aren't congressmen usually lawyers first?

In all seriousness, as a BS, I tell people I meet why I'm divorcing. It also carries a risk as some people might think that perhaps I couldn't be a good enough spouse to keep my H. Perhaps I withheld SF or was a sloppy housewife or just a crappy cook. I risk some embarassment but - whatever. If the first thing you think about me when I say that I was a BS is that *I* must have some shortcoming, then it's likely you are not the guy for me anyway. This also applies to women I meet who may be potential new friends.

Since it is of a wayward nature to lie, I expect they just lie about it. After all, they've had lots of practice and it comes easily to them. Interestingly, I did meet one guy who told me he had cheated on his XW. Rather than the knee-jerk reaction I expected to have in that situation, I was actually a little impressed that he could admit that to me. I thought it showed maturity. (it is still an automatic strike out though)

Those are all good reasons to break your vows and destroy a family. Seriously, how could you possibly expect any man to remain faithful under such horrid circumstances?! :RollieEyes:

Tabby, there are no good reasons to ever be unfaithful to your spouse. Especially for flimsy ones like that.

No SF? Well then find out why. Could be a medical problem. Could be a sign of unhappiness. It's a sign.

Sloppy housewife? Talk to her. Help out more. Hire a cleaning lady to help.

Crappy cook? This one is unforgiveable. There's simply no way around that one.

In all seriousness, that is about as flimsy as it gets.

NO excuse for cheating. NONE.

"I had decided the marriage was over" is excuse making to be able to look in the mirror and sleep at night.

I like that rationale. Perhaps I'll use it in future marriage.

"I like this woman I just met at work. Oh, I know, clearly my marriage is over. I'll get together with her on my lunch break."

"Woo hoo! That was fun. But you know, I don't think my marriage is over now. Ok. Marriage back on. BW doesn't need to know we were divorced for a short time."

:RollieEyes:

e, but your past does define who you are and whomever is dating you has a right to know WHO they are dating before they get emotionally attached and/or married. Dating is a matter of judging and discerning. We are SUPPOSED to judge, using common sense, who we choose as a married partner in order to make a good match. That is how we make good choices. So, I advocate being as judgmental as possible in order to make the best selection.

Remember, the goal here is to make a good match, so this is all stuff that goes into that determination.

Melody, that is exactly why I tell people straight up because if they think that way, then I don't really want to get to know them any better. This goes for men and women alike.

And the thing is, if you are looking for a new relationship, and you do meet someone with potential, eventually they are going to find this out. If being a wayward, even a former wayward is a strike out for them, then wouldn't it be better to get that out in the open BEFORE you form any attachments to the person? This just makes sense from a self-preservation standpoint.

AMEN! This is absolutely correct. I certainly have not had a perfect past. Heck, I am a recovering alcoholic who has not drank in 23 years! But it would be WRONG and show a lack of recovery [and a lack of emotional maturity] on my part to withhold that information from a potential match. I told my H I did not drink and WHY on the 2nd date. He asked me a few questions, I answered them honestly and we got married a year later!

I would NEVER dream of marrying someone with secrets like this. I WANT them to know ME, with all my warts, because I want to be loved for the REAL ME, not some fake persona that I created. That would be FRAUD to trick someone into marrying me without knowing who I am.

The REAL ME has warts and scars and I ACCEPT THAT. Some people cannot accept those things in a marriage partner AND THAT IS THEIR RIGHT!

Agree with everything you said, Tabby. you are right on.

THEY LIE!

and from my experience, blame it all on their former spouse.

I can't imagine my WXH telling the women he meets the truth.
He still hasn't told his own mother or sisters the truth, and still tries to tell lies to our daughters (um who know the truth because they were there - btw for a while they nicknamed their WF 'Fibonacci' because he was tellign so many lies - sad).

If I found out somebody I met was lyig to me about their past I'd suddenly and totally lose interest in them. Life's too short and I already wasted too many years on a liar.

Whatever they're trying to hide about their past is one thing... the lying about it, even if it's 'just' a lie of ommission, would indicate the sort of integrity defecit that would turn me off.