Hey everyone,

I am new to this board and fairly new to this website. I have read through Basic Concepts, but I dont know what to do from there.

A little background:

I am in the US Army and currently deployed to Iraq. I have been here since March. I talk to my wife daily and my kids every couple of days. I know I am not affectionate enough, even when I was home, and I dont like talking about my feelings. My wife had some good friends with some of the other spouses at our base, but she started hanging out with her hairdresser "Jeff" as well. I had no problem with this, he was her friend and she was never alone with him. Apparently one night they went out to drink. She got a bit drunk and ended up sleeping with him.

This happened about two weeks ago; she told me last night over the phone. About a week ago, I was given "His Needs, Her Needs" by our chaplain. My wife went out and purchased it also. We were both reading it, which is partially why she told me. According to her, she has cut off all contact with him and has told him that if he contacts her she will call the MPs (we live on post, but Jeff can get on as well). We spoke for about 3 hours last night after she told me.

I love her still, the kids and her are the lights of my life, but I don't know what to do from here. We have implemented many of the steps Dr. Haley suggests. She has cut off all contact and will email me her schedule each day. She can't check in with me via phone due to the time difference. But can I can trust her?

I dont know what to do from here. I havent taken my R&R yet. We were waiting so I could be home for Christmas, but I am not sure if I should take it early and go home ASAP. In reality, I dont know if I could stand to be around her right now; but I know I can't live without her in my life.

I just don't know where to go from here. I am so confused on what to do and why this could happen. I realize now that I haven't been fulfilling her need for affection; but I don't really think that this was about that.

Thank you for "listening".

JR,

First, THANK YOU for your service to our country! Not a fun place to be, or a great situation to be in, but you ARE appreciated.

Second, you have found a GREAT place to get help. Read, read, read!! Learn all you can about relationships and marriage. Post and LISTEN to these members. Most have been there, done that, and can give you excellent advice.

Being in the military puts a slightly different slant on things. A little more difficult to do a great Plan A and spend the time together that is so crucial for recovery. It DOES NOT mean it's impossible!! We have MANY marriages here that involved infidelity while in the military that are recovered.

I'm going to put a call-out on the main General Questions forum for the military members to come over here to help you.

JR, your marriage has a good chance of recovery. The fact that she felt enough guilt to confess is a good sign. Also, that she is open to reading, learning and accountabilty is encouraging.

Keep reading JR. Keep posting. Help is on the way!!!!!!

JR,
Can you get a copy of Surviving An Affair also?

You are in a great place for support and there are some terrific members on this site that will be by your side.

As Nerly stated, some will be by that have military experience as well.

Hang in there!! You can save your marriage even through this difficult situation.

God Bless!

JRWalker,

HooooAhhh Shipmate, fellow service member here, Navy. I have been going thru a similar situation while deployed away from home and let me tell you the people on this board have saved any shred of sanity I have left. It is likely to be one of the, if not the toughest thing you will ever grind your way thru, but you WILL do it.

Although you are, and will, hurt a LOT more, long-term you are fortunate that your WW admitted her indiscretion, feels remorse and is wanting to repair the damage. My WW does not and basically instead of casting me a line throws rocks at me.

The vets here can tell you a lot better than I, and this is only the second posting i have done on someone else's thread, I would watch for signs that your wife is starting to lose that remorsefulness, starts to display independence and lack of concern for what she did and how it affected you. This might be a sign (it was with mine) that she is starting to have contact with OM again. Other may disagree but this was my situation.

At first my WW expressed remorse, but once she started seeing the OM all I got was, "quit spying on me, it was your fault, I don't feel like I did anything wrong..."

This is one of the toughest things about serving in the military. I have done it for 20 years now. I have a division of 820 Sailors and Officers and I am amazed at how often I am seeing this from E-3 to O-6. The Chaplain calls it "crazy wife syndrome."

You are not alone. Hang in there dude, I'll check back on you, and if there's anything I can do from back in CONUS let me know, I am now in DC.

I'll shut it now and let the experts guide you better.

JR,

Also check our Notable Posts thread. About half way down the list there's a section "Military Affairs".

This thread is found on this forum, Just Found Out, under the General Welcome thread,,,,,,Notable Posts, on the bottom of the post.

Keep reading!!!

Thank you everybody for your encouragement.

WW and I will both be getting a copy of Surviving An Affair. We will be ordering them on payday. Also, I tried to go to the Notable Posts thread, but all of the Military Affairs section links do not work.

Is there any real difference between a long term affair and a "one night stand" while dealing with it? After speaking to S last night and again this morning, I am feeling better.

She has read through this website and has joined the discussion board. I really believe she is remorseful and wants to fix our marriage.

I'm so sorry. Most of our links were broken in the recent "upgrade" and haven't all been repaired. I was able to fix the MILITARY section so go back and READ!

Thank you JustUss. I have gone and read many of those posts, but I still have questions.

Many of the posts here deal with long term emotional and physical affairs. My WW had a "one night stand" then cut it off from the OM on her own. She is remourseful and, like me, wants to make things even better than they were when we started.

How does dealing with a "one night stand" differ than dealing with a long term A?

JR,

I see your wife is in fact here as well.

I recommend that you two stay off of each other's threads at least at first. This needs to be a safe place for both of you right now.

I don't mean not to read each other's stuff, but try to avoid correcting each other or trying to resolve disagreements on the forums. Trust me, it can get messy when that happens.

I didn't reply to you at first because I am not and never was military.

I have sent an email to a good friend who is and is deployed in the Middle East right now. I hope he finds time to check in with you.

You asked about what is different between other affairs and a ONS as far as recovery. Not having experienced the latter I can't honestly tell you. I can tell you that it probably doesn't feel much different to be betrayed once in a drunken daze than in a secret meeting after months of planning.

Mark

Yes, she did join the board. She joined the day after I posted my message (I hadnt told her I had posted) and she found my thread. She said she wouldnt come on here if I didnt want her to. I see no reason to stop her from coming here and think it would be good for her.

If anyone needs more information here is her thread.



I dont plan on posting in any threads she starts, but I have read through it. This is from her thread:


I have thought about this...part of me wants to know the intimate details of the ONS, but the other part is scared to learn. What do others suggest? Is it good to know all the details or is it best to leave them be?

Also, how long can it take to get back interested physically? I have told her that even when I come home in October, I dont know if I will be ready.

Thank you for your help.

Hi JRW - Welcome to MB!!!

I'm sorry that you've found the need to come here... especially while you are deployed.

I can read the pain and confusion in your posts and I just wanted to let you know that you and your W CAN rebuild your M if you are both willing to work together.

It's good to see that you are getting the books and talking with the Chaplain... talking with him/her and posting here on the boards will help you work through some of the feelings that you are going through. Hopefully your W will start MC and will find a good female friend that she can use as an accountability partner.

As for your question about a ONS... Mrs. RIF had one long term A and multiple ONS... ALL of the A's were painful to deal with and every BS (betrayed spouse) reacts differently. For me, it was easier to work through the ONS than the long term A...

I had to know every single detail... again, every BS is different, so you will have to decide what you MUST know in order to work through your W's A... Looking back, I can honestly say that if I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't have asked so many detail questions because it took me years to finally get to a point where the mental pictures and movies in my mind didn't haunt me.

Try to keep your computer time with your W focused on family stuff with the kids and such and stay away from relationship talks. It's too easy to mis-read each other over e-mail or short phone calls... continue to work with your Chaplain and continue to post here with your questions.

My e-mail is in my profile... feel free to drop me a line anytime. I'm about 3.5 hours ahead of you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Brother man i feel your pain. I have come to realise something and thats that a marriage has to be worked on daily. Involving yourself in your wifes life and actitivities. Dont let your spouse build too much free time and friendships of the opposite sex that you are not involved in.
I have come to realise all that " your spouse is a grown up stop treating them like a kid' nonsense is all garbage. Freedom in marriage is good, but there needs to be guidelines.The Bible not only warns us not to to sin, but also not to appear to sin. So its important that your wife has no more contact with this guy.
To me its sounds likes remoresful.I would have someone keep an eye out for you on the base.
But your wife sounds very genuine. I have now come to be an advocate that a spouse can not be permitted to develop a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
When you get back brother man, shower her with attention. Pray for God to heal you.

Thank you for your encouragement. I feel she is sincere about fixing everything that was wrong with our marriage. We have started and I feel we are headed in the right direction. I have forgiven her for what happened. She seems remourseful and if God can forgive why shouldnt I be able to. I explained that this doesnt mean I am still not hurting and that everything is ok again. We both know it is going to take time to work through this and come out better than we were.


Maybe my problem is that my imagination is too active. I havent been sleeping well (maybe 1-2 hours a night and not consecutive). I usually fall asleep when I get too exhausted to stay awake. Everytime I close my eyes I see her in some other man's arms. When I go to sleep I dream of her with others. This usually startles me awake and I cant go to sleep for awhile. I am not sure if knowing the details would help this or create even more "movies".


We dont talk much over email or this board. We both have completed the EN Questionaire and emailed those to each other, but we discuss most of this over the phone (conversations are usually at least 30-45 minutes). I do send her short emails trying to show my affection.


I agree GFORCE, a marriage is a work in progress. I realize now, that my W and I had let it stagnate and we weren't working on it as much as we needed to. My W had asked me if it was ok that she hang out with OM. I said I it was ok; I trusted her completely and never believed this could ever happen to us. I also thought that since I was gone, it would be good as long as she stayed in a group. We realize now that this was a problem and that having friends of the opposite sex is just a catastrophe waiting to happen.

Hi JRW,


This is good! I made that very same statement after Mrs. RIF confessed to the A's that I didn't know about for over 10+ years... I "forgave" her. What I learned during my 2.5 year rebuilding process was that forgiveness was a process. You've taken the first step... you are WILLING to forgive her just as Christ forgives you. That is excellent!

The reason I bring this up is because even though you are WILLING to forgive her, you will still have some hard issues that you will need to work through.

I went through periods of pure rage and anger and the mental images would pop up out of the blue... each time I would "trigger" over a mental image I would have to stop and forgive Mrs. RIF... Through counseling with one of our pastors and MC through our church, and finally, following the MB principles, I was able to work through my pain and anger.

I can truly say that I have forgiven Mrs. RIF... the mental images no longer have any "power" over my emotions or feelings.


That's one reason that I cautioned you about asking too many detail questions. Again, only YOU can decide how much you want to know... if you can work through the issues without a lot of gory details, then that would be better... because you won't have as many mental images to deal with later. You have an advantage that I didn't have... Your W confessed her A to you fairly quickly after the deed... I had 10+ years that were hidden from me, so I tried to re-create every detail to see what I might have "missed"... If your W has admitted to having sex with the OM during her ONS, then you have all the "details" that you need. This one "detail" is enough to rip your guts out... no need to go into the "size"/positions/techniques/where/how many times/blah/blah/blah blah... those "other" details will just add to the mental movies and images that you will eventually have to work through before you get to a point where you can truly say that you have forgiven her.

Has your W started MC and found a good female accountability partner? Hopefully she is working towards both of these things because it will show you that she is serious about rebuilding the M. The EN questions are great... study her ENs and look for ways that you can meet them. I know it's hard to do while you're deployed, but it CAN be done! I've been doing it for 14 months...

Keep posting and let me know if there's anything I can do to help you...

Semper Fi,

RIF