FWW and I have have discussed this and we cant decide. Currently we have told as few people as possible. I have been speaking with a Chaplain, my wife has spoken with her counselor and a friend.

What about our families? My wife feels it could possibly destroy her relationship with her mother and further degrade the already strained relationship with my parents.

Other friends? Maybe even more than other careers, the military gossips.

How does everyone decide who needs to know about the A?

What are your reasons and purpose for exposure?

JR,

First of all I am goin to preface this by saying I am no expert but wanted to send you my thoughts. I am sure that the real experts will respond to you soon. (No slight to Orchid intended BTW)

As I understand it exposure is a tool to be used to break up an A and asking for help so you can Restore your M. Since your W had a ONS and has already established NC and is fully engaged in trying to recover your M I see no need in exposing this any more than you feel necessary. My W had a year long A but when NC was established and she came clean about the whole thing to me that was where it stayed. We told no one.

If that information would damage family relationships then I personally would not tell them. And that information getting out in the military community might not be wise either IMO.

From what I have read you seem to be heading in the right direction now. You can get help from your Chaplain and possibly a counselor as you feel the need.

I would suggest Reading here and learning as much of the information contained on this site as possible. Also get His Needs Her Needs and learn how to fill each others ENs

If the affair has ended and you are certain of that, I suggest not making this information public.

If you are leaning to making it public and are sure the affair is over, I suggest you look deep inside yourself and ask why you want people to know.

JR,

I have read your thread in Just Found Out and your WW's. I have to agree with the others. I see no reason for exposure at this time. My DH and I told no one but our counselors. Immediate NC, remorse and 100% effort by the WS after D-day negates the neccesity of exposure. IMHO Discussing your W's faults and problems within your M with family, friends and co workers is a nono before an A, why should this huge error of judgement on her part change that?

She may want to choose an accountability confidante that you approve of, especially considering that the two of you must live apart until March. I know that my family would see my DH through different eyes if they knew what we have been through together in the past 15 months. I don't want that. It was difficult enough for me to forgive.

In the future, God may lead us to reveal our journey to someone in an effort to help someone but for now, it is our secret.

God's Blessings,

Say

I agree with everyone else.

If my WW would have ended the affair BEFORE I had to expose then she wouldn't have the added burden of being ashamed in front of her friends, my family, her family, etc...

Your WW ended the affair, established NC...you don't need that added burden...trust me.

If you expose right now you are probably doing it as punishment...just remember you are going to punish yourself at the same time...if your plan is to, in fact, recover.

Just make sure that OM's wife/gf knows.

If you're going to expose out of anger/retribution, expose in a manner that will harm OM.

I would say, DON'T expose out of anger or to retaliate. That does not serve your purpose or help you in any way.

ETA: I'm not saying to not expose. I'm saying, don't do it if you're only doing it out of anger to retaliate.

I see no reason not to.

You can't legally shoot him or sue him. He DOES deserve punishment.



I called OM's boss. OM called me the next day, asking me to stop...he was the breadwinner, had kids to feed, etc.

Then he made a thinly veiled threat.

"Let's not get the kids involved."

I told him that if he ever had contact with my wife again, not only would his kids be involved, but I would be delivering flyers to their school detailing the affair.

He hung up.

Yeah, expose his sorry [censored].

JKG,

No slight or anything else taken.

I asked the question because it is critical for the BS to understand the reason for exposure vs just doing it. I realize we know the correct reason but how each applies it is vital.

JMHO,
L.

The reason I was asking is due to the fact that her mother and her are close. I am afraid that if she ever found out that it would hurt her that my wife didn't talk to her.

I dont plan on confronting OM. He isnt married and as far as I know had no gf when this happened. I am a little upset by the situation. It is no excuse for the A, but I think he took advantage of my wife while I was away. I am really angry with him. If I saw him, I am not sure what I would do; especially if he started talking about my W.

He has turned into a jerk since my W sent him a NC. My W now sees what he is really like and really regrets being friends with him.

You both may be surprised to find out where support can come from.

My point in asking is to help you determine the purpose of your exposure to you can decide who to expose to.

Once the Ws has changed to the Xws and then to your real W, the need for exposure diminishes. It isn't to be used as a punishment. It should be used to protect the family (from the WS and OP).

The WS or even Xws may see no reason in exposure. But if it is for the family's protection and support, then it should be done.

If the Xws is truly repentant, the circle of exposure is lessened.

JMHO,
Orchid

I agree dont use it as punishment.

Just ask your WW if she has told her Mom? If they are close Im sure she probally has and hasnt heard the end of it from her. And her mom can be there for support with you and your WW.

As of anything on OM. well if theres no BW/GF involved I wouldnt worry about it and just drop it. NC has been established and as long as that is honored I wouldnt seek exposure.

ONS are the first stage in the repudiation of your M and your ww's continued developement of self entitlement. Your commitment to this M has already been the object of her derision. Any action either active or passive on your part to bury this ONS, will only be interpreted as weakness or much worse as tacit agreement.

ONS are a toe in the water to check the temperature and the reaction of the lifeguard(you). If you are ok with your future dive-in-ww, continue to help her pick out her bathing suit.

Best of luck.

I have an opinion more like cymanca on this... but that may be because my WXH was a serial adulterer.

I'm pretty sure that if I had taken my WXH's first ONS much more seriously, and had exposed it to others, he would not have been such a philandering fool. By the time I stopped covering for him serial adultery had become an ingrained habit for him.

Also, since you are in Iraq and therefore can't directly observe your wife for accountability purposes, I think it is very important for you to expose the adultery to at least one trusted friend or relative who your wife can be held accountable to in your absence.

The fact that there are certain people that your wife would not want to have find out about the adultery IMHO should not translate to them being the ones who never find out... it should have been the incentive to keep her from committing adultery in the first place and may be the very thing that will prevent her from ever doing it again.

Even if you believe that she will have no further involvement with that particular OM, she may be more prone to cheat again with another OM if the consequences are minimal. I would err on the side of caution if I were you. And this is not because I'm overly paranoid because I was married to a serial adulterer, more like I know from experience that it's best to nip this in the bud and send a clear message that this will not be taken too lightly. With you being in Iraq (thanx for your efforts to protect our freedoms) it will be harder for you to monitor your wife and to fix the problems that influenced her to cheat. IMHO you should leverage those things that are working against you by exposure to at least one person who will agree to be an accountability partner to your wife. AND make sure it IS somebody whose opinion she does value, somebody she would be embarrassed to have find out she's cheating again.

Please keep in mind that his wife told him about the one night stand. I think it was more of an EA that went physical one time from her description. She is posting on this board and is herself looking for an accountability partner. She feels alcohol was a part of the ONS and she has removed alcohol from her home.

Further exposure does not appear to be needed as she has stopped all contact and sent a no contact letter or text (can't remember if it was both).

My only concern was that the OM was a hairdresser on the base and that he sent her a sinister sounding text after the first no contact notice. He may be a preditor. But his FWW is fully aware that she is responsible for the ONS and the EA. They don't want to drag in the MPs and believe the OM is moving off base soon. Sounds like FWW can ensure no contact with him.

I just think this should most likely be viewed as an EA that went physical. It will help them figure out what went wrong if they look at it this way as I think it is more accurate.

lake,

I have been an active and at times passive member of this board for over 4 years now and if my experience and participation have proven anything it is

"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions"

Thanks Noodle.

1. She should have thought about that before hand.
2. That is HER problem. Not yours. She is an adult. Learn to deal with the consequences of poor choices.
3. They have the right and ability to decide for themselves how they wish to interact / cut contact. Their Choice.
4. Don't think too much about it. Just do it.


....you may be surprised by what ELSE you will learn.
Ergo...by 'keeping it under wraps'...confusion, corruption and betrayal will continue to breed quite well in the dark. IF you want to nip it in the bud...fling open the garbage can and shine a flashlight ...watch the roaches RUN.

The entire thought process behind the accused is to lessen the damage to themselves. Their MATE is NOT part of that equation in any shape form or manner.

They/ Betrayers by Free Will walked into Hellz Kitchen...and now complain about the heat?
Now is a good time to practice "selective hearing"...

JKW,

I suspect your wife is very surprised and angry with herself at her own behavior. She probably feels a great deal of guilt and remorse right now, which is why she told you.

The fact that you are gone in Iraq leaves her feeling alone, and this OM is a predator who has probably taken advantage of that situation with more than one woman on base.

That doesn't excuse your wife, but does help to look at how the OM saw the crack in the marriage and worked at the weakness there.



About exposure - there are many reasons people expose. The major reason the MB concepts talk about exposure is to stop an affair, and that plan involves a specific strategy for exposure to take place. It involves asking family and friends to step in and support the betrayed spouse in stopping the affair, strengthening the marriage, and helping the BS to get the wayward back into the mode of realizing the marriage is the right place to be. That kind of exposure is a sort of "bomb-like" exposure, in the sense that the BS lets it loose in one fell swoop without warning to the wayward.

In your case, that type of exposure doesn't seem necessary or even remotely appropriate. Your wife is on board, willing to do the work, and is here working on the concepts. She has taken the first steps necessary toward recovery and is being honest with you about what is going on, and what happened. She appears to be out of the fog as far as the OM is concerned, and sees him for the predator and creep he is.

But, there is an element of exposure that you might consider as a couple which may very well help you. That is, exposing to very close friends or family members in a way that asks them to help support you as a couple. This would entail the both of you approaching them together (I know, hard to do from Iraq!), and letting them know that you have had this happen in your lives. As the betrayed spouse, you would have to tell them that you are on the road to recovery, and that you want the marriage, etc., and that YOU are asking for support for your wife. You could ask those family members to come here and learn these concepts, so they could help her recover, while you are over there.

As for the mom being so angry as to never talk to her again? I kind of doubt that. Moms have a way of moving past these things. Plus, you might never know - that mom may very well have her own

personal experience

in this game.

SB

I am gonna disagree with majority of the others here as well.

My STBX had an "interaction" with a young woman about 4 1/2 years ago, that ended just as soon as it began. He was ashamed and embarrassed, and came home and told me he wanted out, "yada, yada, yada"

I got to the bottom of it, and he agreed then and there that there would be no contact with said individual, and that he would no longer go back to the cafe she worked at. He was to never see her again, and after talking to the owner of the cafe, had them tell her to back off, because he was a married man.

After that, things were great. I never made mention of it, and we were very happy together.

Until 3 years later, when WH left me for another woman. Completely out of the blue. And, he never saw this woman either. I would say he had 4 opportunities to see her in the course of a month. Short opportunities at that. He spent all of his time with me, and had only 4 times (Saturday nights while I worked for 3 hours) to see her.

Maybe if more people knew about what had happened the first time around things would have been different. If you are sure that this marriage is what you want, I strongly suggest you expose to family/friends. It will be a relief to you, and may be tough for WW to face facts... but at least she will be accountable for her actions. And, in the end, will probably find more pride associated with being accountable.