My husband has been having an affair on & off for at least 2 yrs. and has finally admitted to it. He has ended it, but I no he didn't use protection and have since found out he has engaged in other risky sexual behavior. The problem in our marriage has been my lack of meeting his need for sexual fulfillment and his lack of meeting any of my needs. He wants to immediately resume sexual relations w/me and I think it's necessary for a blood test b/c of his risky behavior. He's also not willing to do any type of counseling or other help. He thinks it's stupid that I ask him to get tested and that it's not necessary. Should I give him an ultimatum? And if he does agree and is clean, how much time or what should take place before we try to be intimate again? The very thing that he needs most is the very thing that disgusts me right now. How do I meet this need of his when I have pictures of all the things he's been doing swirling in my head?

I do not think that there is anything wrong with you demanding STD testing. If he was out there having unprotected sex, you would be crazy to have any kind of sexual activity with him until he is tested.

I don't think you can put a "time limit" on when you should have sex. It should be guided by your feelings and connection. It should also be AFTER the STD testing.

Ldawk7,

You should not engage in any sexual activity with your H until he has been tested.

My brother is in a similar situation than you right now… His W had a sexual affair with another man and he recently find out that this man might have not been the only one she had sexual relations with. He even doubts his paternity of the youngest child now and considers DNA testing. As a result of everything that had happened, by brother feels disgusted just by the thought of having sex with her, while his W can’t understand it and still expects him to have sex…even though there are many unresolved issues his W just want to sweep under the rug… I think it’s extremely selfish and thoughtless of a WS who had a PA to expect the BS to fulfill his/her need for SF directly or soon after the A…especially if they are not willing to do the hard work necessary to help heal the M and the BS… IMO it’s the same as expecting a rape victim to continue sexual relations directly or soon after the rape and/or when the victim doesn’t feel ready yet…or to expect the rape victim to continue sexual relations without any trauma counseling or outside help…

IMO you are 100% entitled to feel the way you do and your H should give you enough time (enough time you need and there should be no “time limit” to it) to heal and work through your feelings and start connecting with him again. IMO you should only start sexual relations with him again when you feel ready after he has been tested. And your H should be willing to go to counseling and do all he can to help you and the M heal… I know this will leave the WS with the dilemma of unfulfilled sexual needs for a time (until the BS feels ready), but unfortunately there are consequences to sexual betrayal and this is one of it IMO.

Thank you so much for your quick response. I truly believe you are correct and I just have to accept the fact that if he's not willing to do certain things than he really doesn't want to save our marriage. I really just want to make sure I take the right steps for all involved.........we've been together for 23 yrs. and have 5 kids. Thanks again for your insight.

Thanks for your response. My WH's excuse for not wanting to get tested is that we have obviously been together over the past two years while he was out cheating (before I found out about his behavior) and that if there was anything to worry about it would have shown up already. He is totally ignorant to STD's apparently and I can't convince him otherwise. We are at a stalemate and not progressing at all because of this impasse.

There are two issues I'm seeing here:

1. Your desire to have SF with him
2. The risk of STDs

The second is pretty easy to deal with - instead of giving him an ultimatum, express it as part of a boundary, e.g. you're unwilling to have sex with him now because of the risk of contracting an STD, and the only thing more tragic for your family than one of you coming down with a life-threatening STD like AIDS is if you both came down with it. Imagine what life would be like for your kids. Repeat, reuse, recycle until he get gets the tests done and shows you the results.

The first is a bit more difficult: most women need an emotional connection to enjoy sex, many men do not - we're basically stupid like that . Please do not let him bully, browbeat or otherwise force into having sex before YOU are ready, or will make matters WORSE, not better. However, instead of simply denying sex or giving him "ultimatums", how about letting him know what you feel right now about the act, and how you would want to feel in order to be receptive to his requests for sex?

At least get yourself tested!!!

As for your WH, don't accept his babble. The vets here can give better advise than me.

But please get yourself tested anyway.

Hi Idawk,

Sorry you find yourself here. I think you will find though that it is a good place to get advice, support and just to vent.

The subject of SF has been adequately addressed here and I concur about the testing but I am really disturbed about his unwillingness to seek counseling. I know nothing of your story but that smacks of no remorse.

How did you find out about his A? Who told you he has ended it, him? Has a NC letter been sent? Is OW married? Has her BH been told? This man has been lying to you and exposing you to STDs for two years, I would have alot bigger questions than when to resume SF.

God's Blessings,

Say

There has been at least one death and one cancer here as a result of STD's.

YOu are at risk. Do not sleep with him until he is tested AND is adult enough to understand WHY he needs to be tested.

Oh, and don't let him run with scissors either. He is obviously VERY immature and in need of a mother's supervision.

Be careful.

Ida:

Five days after D-day of my A, (which lasted 4.5 years, and I had SF with both during that time..) Flamingo and I went to the doctors office for her to get a complete screening.

We both went. It was important to HER that I was supporting OUR efforts to recover this marriage.

Your WH is NOT doing that.

You can go get yourself tested and I believe that NO MATTER WHAT, you should.

But, It is an excellent boundary of yours to insist that he get tested. This and other boundaries have to be created by you and enforced.

LG

You don't say that you have not had sex with him in the past two years, so chances are, you've already been exposed if he's carrying anything.

So at the very least, get tested yourself, TODAY!

Second, there is nothing wrong with setting the boundary that you are not willing to engage in sex with him until he is tested and you see the actual report that he is clean, period.

Even if he's carrying and you are not yet infected, it's possible you could still become infected later on down the road.

So establish the boundary AND do what you can do today and confirm that he has not already passed on some sort of little "gift" to you by getting tested yourself, TODAY.