My DH had some kind of affair 6 yrs ago. All I know is he spoke to her a lot on the phone, rode around with her after work, and they worked together. It was more than just friends. I found a letter he began writing her saying "hey honey, I miss you so much, do you miss me too? He had a beeper and a cell phone. She would beep him " 143 " and that was his cue to call her. 143 in txt language means I love you. He swears he never touched her, kissed her or anything but if I had not stepped in that it probably would have led to that. We had an awesome relationship, couldn't believe this happened. I always felt like more happened but he will never tell. Since then he has been good to me, we rarely ever argue. Except about his "girl" friends @ work, who I do not know. I have to snoop to find out anything about them.

So now, I am left to deal with ongoing friendships with younger, single girls from work. He swears it's all innocent. He never goes out to bars, he has no guy friends he spends time with either.

How it all starts out- he will do something out of character, come home a little late or just act weird. I check the cell phone. Sure enough- some new number is popping up.

For about 6 weeks, there were calls at 6am on his way to work lasting only a minute or 2. And then 3 calls during the week lasting for 10-15 mins. On 1 day there were about 20 text messages. He says its a female coworker who can't get up on time, so she asked him to wake her everday and he's just trying to be nice. But what bothers me is I have never heard him speak of this girl. Why ask somebodys husband to wake them up, create a personal relationship? Why not buy a freaking alarm clock!! His response "she says she can wake up to a phone call, but not the alarm on her phone or an alarm clock" HMMMMM

He says other conversations were just about work. So I have a fit, he stops talking to them...... and then here we go again

I found an email to another girl thanking her for a copy of work schedule. His response " You are awesome. Thanks! I knew I should get a divorce and marry you". How can I not be upset when he has had some kind of affair before??? I told him this is not something "friends" say to one another. That is flirting. He claims he didn't think of it that way and meant nothing by it.

Another girl- lots of phone calls, lies to me about being at the gym when I can tell he is in his truck, takes her the last of my migraine medicine one weekend while I am away on business (had my infant son with him). Joins a gym when we have tons of equip. at home.

He does so many small things to make me doubt him and never enough to show he is really doing anything wrong. I tell him how paranoid I get when he starts talking to some girl that I have never heard of due to what he did in the past. He says I am wrong for not trusting him. He says he has nothing in common with the guys at work and gets along better with girls. He says no girls ever flirt with him (he is very attractive) but on occassion has guys who thinks might be gay try to get chummy.
Most recent one: He has been to talking to a new girl at work on the phone, after hours or when they are off about 4-5 times a week for 10-30 minutes at a time. Never in my presence, on his way to the grocery store, out in the garage etc. He says since she is new, he is training her and lending advice on how to deal with issues at work since it's a high stress job.
After 6 weeks, when is she going to not need her hand held anymore?

I have cried, explained what this does to me and everything else.

Has anyone ever had to deal with this? It would be a blessing to know for sure if the original affair was more than just emotional, and what the hell he is doing now!

You're not psycho. You're not crazy. Your H is betraying your trust and hiding things from you. A sure EA. I've been down that road. My XBF had up to 8 women he was texting all hours of the day or night and hiding it. I was told I was "over-reacting", "embarassing myself" (I called some of the numbers to confirm my suspicions) and "creating drama." I was told they were all just friends, but my suspicions were raised by the secrecy and the fact he would not let go of his cell phone, even when going to the bathroom. It upset me and he kept doing it. So I left.

You're in the right place. I'm somewhat of a newbie, but many vets here will give you the advice and support you need. Hang in there.

It's called "gas-lighting", and almost every BS here has experienced it in some manner or form during their S's adulterous activity. Your H seems to be quite experienced at it.

It seems like you can't rely on your H to give you the truth, so you need to find it out on your own. A digital voice-recorder in his truck might be a good start. Have a look at the "Spying 101" thread.

You are not psycho. Your husbands behavior is totally inappropriate, childish, insensitive and unprofessional at best or he's having an affair or looking for one at worst. My husband used to work in offices where women were the majority and some would coo and bat their eyelashes at him because he is handsome and has a pleasant attitude. He was very into what others thought of him and very needy which I think made him act like an idiot a lot of times because he wants to feel needed, liked and have his ego stroked for being such a swell guy. :RollieEyes: Nevermind that his behavior would piss me off as it seemed he cared more about pleasing total strangers more than me or his family. I'd get the same lame excuses as you.

Because he wanted to be well liked, he'd go overboard going out of his way for people or when talking to people especially co-workers. I told him that his words don't mean much when he so applies them so easily to everyone under the sun. He'd tell someone he loved this or that or loved them (people I wouldn't be concerned about him having an A with). I'd ask him, "Geez what exactly is your standard to LOVE someone or something because you apply it to everything?" He'd use words like awesome, fantastic, etc to describe anything someone did even if it was ordinary. I asked him the same about this. He didn't have much of an answer for me and he got somewhat better about it. He had a need to be the guy everyone liked. He let that define him.

During that time, I could tell him something and he'd get pissed that I was belittling him or blew my suggestions off yet a co-worker could tell him the same thing and it was a frickening brilliant idea. Now years later and recovering from an affair due to his need to ego stroked 22.5/7, he now realizes what an idiot he was to search for approval from strangers and give a crap what they thought of him. They were nobody to him. They weren't his friends. His behavior nearly cost him is family and has already cost him his self respect and integrity.

I wish I had been resolute to confront this at the time. It's a huge red flag and you should not ignore it. The vets may provide some better advice for you but looking back I think I would have told him to leave because I wasn't going to be disrespected by him like that. Maybe that's not the right approach but that's how I feel. Whatever you do, I think you need to be firm before it gets worse. Don't let him play it off or make you feel like you are blowing it out of proporation. You could always show up to his office one day and make your presence as his wife known. LOL

Wow! That sounds so much like my husband. I found where he bought some coworker a special card, just to say thanks for being a friend. I have told him that one of these days some lady he is going over board to be nice to is going to take it the wrong way. Then what will he do. I have taken some advice ^ and got the voice recorder.

I think what makes me maddest is that I have told him how this behavior upsets me since he had a fling before. That fling started as a simple friendship, but according to him, doesn't matter b/c he says he won't ever do that again. Even if they are just friends, I can't be sure of it and it freaks me out. I have begged him to find a male friend! He says he ain't into nintendo, so he can't be friends with any male. And just like me, he needs people to talk to sometimes. But get this! He doesn't like visitors in our home. He doesn't like Christmas dinners with family or anything. When our parents come over, he is nice enough, but not the overjoyed, life of the party he is at work. My 9 yr old daughter even noticed that.

I have threatened to leave him b/c of it; and he begs forgiveness, swears he did nothing wrong and that I mean more to him than anyone. And then a couple months later, I check a cell bill and find he has a new friend. It sucks.

Don't threaten. You need to be ready to do what you say (whatever it is) or else he will think it's another empty threat and you will repeat this situation over and over again.

The fact that he's had a prior fling and continues to blow off your feelings is telling. If he knows this behavior bothers you and he doesn't care in the slightest then you may have to do something drastic like telling him to leave. You also have to look at how your daughter views how a husband should treat his wife. Don't be a doormat and put up with this anymore or it will never end and become even a bigger disaster. Is he open to seeking any sort of counseling? I think the more calm I am when I present things to my husband the more impact it makes so try to stay calm when you lay down the law. Good luck to you. I know it sucks.

BTDT and have the tshirt, 2 tshirts actually. one from an exh and one from an exbf.

This is not a healthy relationship.
It is not ok.

You can't have a marriage or relationship and the "girl" friends too. Nope, doesn't work that way.

Some serious counseling and work on both parts is in order if this is going to work. He is going to have to see that what he is doing is crossing boundaries, inappropriate, and wrong. And if he does not see it that way, I am sad to say, your marriage will not work out.

Notice both of mine are "exes" now.
That's because they saw nothing wrong with it.
Well, I do.
I don't share.