My WH moved out about a year ago. Has said lately that he thinks about coming home. I asked about his affair and he said things change. I've been in Plan B, a weak one but no personal talk, very limited to kids etc. Slap me but I even began to date someone after 2 years of this turmoil. I know it's not the MB way, but I had it with my WH and after he said he wanted a divorce I thought why not. Anyway, my question is how do I handle this from here on out. Remain distant, if he truley means it he will talk to me about it completely, or write it off as more babble? I will not try to find out if they are together as I will never go back to the dark days of spying. Just continue to do what I've been doing?

I would do Plan B and THEN decide after a few months. A REAL Plan B would remove you from the situation and enable you to think more clearly.

Also, a real Plan B means that he has to meet the conditions you set out. Has he met them?

I am a STRONG supporter of a BS that decides they want to date when they KNOW their marriage is over and would NEVER go back.

What YOU are doing is wrong and IMHO, adultery. Since you are obviously not done with your marriage and considering a relationship with your husband, you are cheating. The ONLY time it is okay, IMHO, to date is when you are just waiting on the formalities of the divorce to be completed. ZERO chance for a renewed relationship.

So while you were in plan B (weak or not) did it help make things more clear to you on what YOU want?

DO YOU WANT HIM BACK ?

Seems to me you need to first figure out what YOU want before you respond in anyway to HIS desire to come back.

Thanks for all the replies. First in response to my dating, my WH said he wanted a divorce. When he said that I took him for his word. That's when I decided to date, I thought there was no chance of reconciliation since he said he wanted a divorce. I was not out looking for someone. Happened to be a person in the same situation as myself. Actually, has been good to talk to someone who has had infidelity rock his world. It is not physical as we are both healing from our situations.

Second, call it cheating if you want, I worked very hard on trying to reconcile my marriage, while my WS was out cheating for two years. Funny, how he gets word that I am seeing someone and I just might be moving on and not waiting for him that he gets this idea that perhaps he wants to come home. Maybe I should have done that long time ago. Maybe it's true you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

To those who mention Plan B. It could be darker. I had conditions set long time ago so if he decided he wanted to return that the conditions must be met. I covered that. Spoke to Jennifer and came up with the conditions. My problem is he still has a terrible time expressing his feelings to me. He says he thinks a lot about coming home but will not elaborate. Doesn't say any sort of time frame etc. Now this crap is on my mind again and now I wonder what he "really" means. Is it just a game to keep me away from my friend? Do WH do that to their wives just to keep them in the loop? Or does he really mean it?

My guess is that since your Plan B was weak, it never really got through to him until he found out you were dating. Now all of a sudden he is realizing that you aren't waiting in the wings for him and he wants to come back. Personally, I detect insincerity on his part. As if he was cake-eating in a way (he's with the OW but he knows deep down you are still there for him - and probably were providing some ENs in the contact you had with him).

Ask yourself the question "Do I want him back?" Give yourself a chance to do some real soul searching for the answer. It is your choice now so make it wisely.

In response to Do I want him back? I don't know. If he could meet my conditions get help from a couselor, agree to NC for life etc then I would probably try. BUT, I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I am hopeful that with help that we can begin to trust again but I don't know if he has it in him. I have a hard time believing him that he thinks about coming home. Maybe I have learned to just not trust him first to prevent from getting hurt. Has anyone had their WS say they think about coming home and not mean it. I am afraid that he is just saying that to manipulate me into not seeing this friend of mine.

I've highlighted in bold what you need to resolve. It's not about what you probably want. It is about what you DO want. "Probably" also means not definitely. It's a simple question but the answer is complicated. It is also your choice this time - just like it was his choice to cheat in the first place. Think hard. Meditate. Pray if that's your thing. Take your time and make your decision.

YOU get to decide IF YOU want to be married to him still. If you do, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS DATING.



All WS say that!


Look, I am about as liberal a person as you will find on these boards about this. I DO think a BS can date while awaiting the paperwork...but ONLY if THEY decide the marriage is definitely over.


You have had an affair.

Then dont invite him back into your home or life until he convinces you that he "Really" wants to be with you.
Plan B shifts the ball to his court now. He needs to work his way back in, you dont need to evaluate whether on not weather to crack open the door, he needs to be breaking it down to get in IMHO.
I would say keep Plan B'ing and continuing to work on yourself until you are overwhelmingly convinced that he wants in and that is what you want too.

Thanks Tabby. When I say I probably would try. The answer is yes I would try but not unless my conditions are met. I suspect also that he thought that I was waiting for him and could carry on his affair knowing that if it didn't work he would think he could return. When he found out that I had a friend he changed his ways. He did however move home for about 4 months within this two year time frame. Before he moved home he would say things like "I'll be home soon, etc" so this is not the first time he has wanted to return home. He left the affair once to return home only to go back to it, now starting to open up about returning home again. I did not have boundaries the first time he returned home but I do this time. I also wonder if it really is over and reality has set in a bit. Jennifer said once reality sets in that the affair will start to fall apart. Then one or the other will see that it isn't fun like it used to be and is mostly work or routine.

Just to throw something in for you while you are trying to figure out if you want your husband back.

Do you have any feelings for this other guy you have been dating? What you just dump him when you feel you want to go back to your husband?

You brought this guy into your life to do what kill time?

People call me a selfish WS.

You're right wannamoveforward I feel like he needs to prove to me that he is serious about moving home. Serious about making our marriage work. I need to keep reminding myself of this. Should I contact OW to see if it is really over between them or just more lies on his part?

"Should I contact OW to see if it is really over between them or just more lies on his part?"

He nees to write a no contact leter to the OW, making it clear he wants no further contact with her, that he has chosen you instead of her. He gives you this letter to mail to the OW.

THAT is how you know he is telling her the same thing he's telling you and that it really is over between them.

Don't fall for false for recovery;
don't settle for anything less than him writing that no contact letter to the OW.

First you are dating him...now he is a friend. Friends don't date. This is more wayward speak.

Can I be the first to :RollieEyes: ?

Unless she was already into an advanced, exclusive relationship with this guy, it's a complete nonissue. "Dating" could mean they had lunch together a couple of times. I'm sure she told him about her situation and I'm sure he's an adult and can weigh the risks that she's on the rebound. Besides, she asked us a question about her WH, not this guy.

Oh why do I keep replying to this guy! :twobyfour: That's a 2x4 to myself!!!!

For the first time I agree with Hu7668.

Her actions are CLEARLY wrong here.

I do not have feelings for this person other than friendship. I am confident he feels the same. He is a BS as well and I think being friends during this time has helped us. It is like posting on MB's but I'm talking in person and not online. I do not see him on a regular basis and maybe I should have not used the word dating. We talk about our situations and I told him about marriage builders. If he could work things out with his wife I would would encourage it and would hope that maybe something I said or telling him about marriage builders would help save his marriage. I feel he would do the same.

Why would you waste your energy on OW ? what does it matter what her "version of the truth" is ?

Do nothing , keep living your life and if and when he breaks down your door and enters your life then you can decide what to do, until then its all just background noise.

Right now you are just feeling week and allowing yourself to grasp at any crumbs from him.

My H always says to me actions speak louder than words. So ignore the words and focus on his actions.