Obviously, every spouse has emotional needs.

As we've all seen and read, WS/FWSs and even BSs will point to unmet emotional needs as contributors to an affair.

Emotional needs are so important that your marriage may end or your spouse might sleep around if you don't meet them, and your life can be miserable if yours aren't being met.

My question is this:

How do single people who aren't dating manage to make it through a day without their emotional needs being met?

The way I see it... it's not unmet emotional needs that lead to an affair.

Affairs usually happen when the love is gone.

Meeting emotional needs - and avoiding love busters - are the crucial tools in maintaining the love.

If you are not meeting your spouse's emotional needs, than you are not doing your part in maintaining the marital love that protects from infidelity.

When the love is gone... both spouses are vulnerable to attention paid by attractive members of the opposite sex, and if they're not careful they may "fall in love". But it's not lack of meeting ENs in and of itself that make affairs possible, it's the lack of love and connectedness.

Now, how do single people get thru the day? My guess is just like married people who don't have ENs met. They will have their day to day humdrum lives, probably feel a little lonely... and they will be vulnerable to attention paid by attractive members of the opposite sex, and if they're not careful they may "fall in love".

Excellent post CC!!! I concur...

Mrs. W

I do agree with CC

May I add,

Krazy, this is a question that makes me crazy, asking it myself, that is. I am single, not really looking, I must be a huge cesspool of unmet EN's. I may go crazy and start running through the streets looking for someone to loooove me.


No really, I wanted to take the experts advice and be single and find out what makes me tick, spend some time alone. There aren't any emotional needs being met by an SO. I did teach the kids to load the dishwaher, is that domestic support?

So I am being alone, cruising along and asking myself, what EN do I want a partner to fill? As a single person, am I ENeedless?

What's the deal? I am not engaging in destructive behaviors to fill some EN of mine. How can unmet EN's cause affairs? How can a married person have more unmet EN's than a single person. You may be married to a complete a$$ but they are doing SOMETHING.

Recently, a WH was whining about since leaving his OW, none of his EN's were being met. I almost went ballistic.

Anyway,
I agree with CC, if none or few of your needs are being met, you may develop feelings for someone else who does meet them.

This topic has caused me much stress, I must be some robot who has no EN's since I am alone and not freaking out about it.

Ditto that!

They turn into the creepy guy that works on the third floor of my building. <shiver>

I was thinking about EN's on the way home from class.

And also thinking about how BS's are advised to try and meet a WS's EN's in Plan A...okay, I tried but how could I, really?

A WS doesn't want to hear anything from a BS so a BS tries. Well, for me, I couldn't fulfill the conversational EN, I was afraid to talk to Gray about anything, lest he carry it to his GF-HO Slag.

I remember OWH saying something when we were discussing habits our "spouses" had. And I said something about Gray's and he said, "Well, people get used to each other."

Yeah, true. So what about that?

I know that often only a couple of needs are being met by an OP, but what about what happens when your WS moves in with them? Sure, there will be LB's and all of that, but what if the OP meets all of your WS's EN's?

It's not that I'm dwelling on this, I was just thinking about it on the way home. Probably because of what I heard about Gray yesterday that I haven't posted on my thread yet.

Anyway, I was just curious about this and if anyone had any thoughts.

As far as unmet EN's, well, I guess I don't have any or they are shut off now.

Charlotte

I was kinda being a wise-a$$.

Unmet EN's cannot cause affairs, any more than a solar eclipse can cause affairs. Any WS who has ever made this claim can blow it out their [censored]. It's a form of blameshifting and should be considered unacceptable.


If your spouse isn't meeting your emotional needs, you can:

A) Communicate with your spouse, one-on-one or through a MC.

B) Live without your EN's being met. Try not to cut your wrists.

C) Get rid of some of your needs.

D) Get a divorce.

There are at least four options, none of which involve being a scumbag.


Maybe my attitude comes from being a little old-fashioned, but in the case of WH's....what kind of panty-waist "male" would use the excuse of "unmet emotional needs" for his cheating? Jeez, put on a sun dress, and make sure your shoes match your bag, woman.

Charlotte you do so have ENs and some of them are probably even being met on this BB. SF and affection are probably the only ENs that can be exclusively met by a spouse. Actually just SF - you can get affection from a dog (I know, it's not the same but..). Conversation, RC etc., you can get from friends and other family. I know because my ENs were never met and I still managed to have a fulfilling life while married. Affection was the only one I truly missed (and I did have a dog!!!) but I learned to accept it. I did NOT have an A. I guess it's further evidence of CC's theory.

lol At first I was wondering why you were telling the BW how to dress...

Even if you meant it tongue-in-cheek, it still was great to read CC's reply! Great post!

Krazy, I knew you being a smart-a$$. In fact, when I realized what your question was, I was so excited. The way you cut to the chase, I was sure you would be able to vent my frustration.

Oddly, I was just thinking yesterday, how "fluid" are EN's. Will your EN's be the same at 20, 30, 60? Are your EN's different after children? divorce? family tragedy?

I concur. (LOL! Always makes me think about that movie, "Catch Me If You Can.)

Yeah, okay. I probably do, even though I've always been a bit of a loner.

I know one thing, I've had more conversation in the last 10 months than I've had in YEARS!! With all kinds of people. So that one's covered. Admiration...yeah, I guess so. What's RC again? Remote control? LOL!! Yeah.

Affection...well, there's the pets, yeah. My dance instructor, yeah, he's real affectionate. LOL!! Luckily not TOO affectionate, though. SF, don't need it. Factory closed down and boarded up. LOL!

So what about the other thing? Would a WS that stays with the OP and gets all of his/her needs met...would a relationship like this be considered one of the 3 percenters?

I am just curious because I have been out in the so-called "real world" and things are so different with people out there than the ones on MB.

I met a lady, let's call her Janet, last week who is with a man who was married, marriage split up, he got together with another lady, split up and then with this one. He has two kids, one each with the first two women. She said she doesn't know why she got involved with him but now she loves him and he's the sweetest guy she ever met.

Janet used to be married and her ex had an affair with a neighbor down the street. The OWH in that situation knew about it and so did Janet. So they commisserated together but didn't get involved with one another. They would get together and talk about what their spouses were doing, sometimes while they were doing it?

I didn't get that at all. But anyway, Janet and her husband split, I can't remember if she said the OWH split from his wife. Probably.

Yeah, my head is still spinning. LOL!

Charlotte

I just remembered a line by the late George Carlin:

"If you're upset that [whiny]you're needs aren't being met[/whiny], then GET RID OF SOME OF YOUR Fing NEEDS!!"

It's not that simple, though.

Needs are needs. They're hard-wired. You can learn to live without having your needs met, but if a need is not met, you're still vulnerable to fall in love with anyone you allow to fill it.

It takes solid boundaries to avoid allowing someone to meet your needs inappropriately. And you'll still have a nagging, hollow feeling inside that something is missing. Much better - and safer for the marriage - to have your spouse fill those needs.

But you can't just turn it off, or get rid of it.

as ususal krazy, i LOVE your bluntness and sarcasm!

i'm single and i manage to make it through the day just fine. the only high emotional need of mine i do miss being met is sf, and since i am not a tramp, i am not going to just get it met by some joe off the street.

otherwise, my life is full. i have my schooling, my home, my kids, etc... life is good.

i don't NEED to have a man in it. if and when i do have a man in it again it will be because i want him there not because i need him there. i am perfectly happy without one.

Are needs really "NEEDS" or are they "WANTS"? Or is there both? Because as a (now) single person, I'm doing alright. Again, SF is pretty much the only thing exclusive to a spouse and, as someone just mentioned, one could be really trampy if one wanted - so it really is a choice (because you probably have other needs, such as values and ethics, that weigh against it).

I don't really feel as though I'm missing out on any ENs right now - in fact more are being met than when I was married. But I have distinct wants/needs that I will insist on being met in any new relationship, based on my last experience. Are these needs or wants? I'm not really sure - perhaps they are even demands at this stage.

I think they are NEEDS, not WANTS. I think that you can learn to live without having someone meet them, like you have... but if you let someone into your life to meet those ENs, you would be "at risk" to fall in love with that person.

If you, right now, allowed someone to meet those needs, and they met them consistantly - you WOULD fall in love with that person.

I think in many, many cases of infidelity, the WS isn't getting needs met at home and they convince themselves they don't need anyone to fill them. Then they allow someone outside the marriage to meet that need, thinking they are safe, because "they would never" have an affair. But by allowing that outsider to meet their ENs, they put themselves at risk to fall in love with the outsider, and when that happens... the affair begins.


The problem with promiscuity, though, is that a normal person cannot completely seperate the act from the emotions involved. Having sex with someone you don't love doesn't mean you are immune to falling in love with the sex partner.


In my opinion, you have Emotional Needs. If someone meets those needs, you WILL fall in love. The difference is that now you are conscious and cognizant of what your needs are, and you WANT someone who will fill them consistently and faithfully. You WANT someone who is good relationship material - so you are apparantly being choosy about who you will allow to meet your ENs, which is simply good boundaries. That is your demand - that before you allow someone to fill up your love bank, you want to make sure that person will be good for you.

Being choosy minimizes the risk that you will fall in love with someone who is not relationship material. Without those boundaries, you would be more likely to allow someone inappropriate to meet your ENs, and you would consequently be more at risk to fall in love with someone who would not be a good partner for you.

Okay. So how about this?

What we are really relying on is a scientific method to save our marriages.

That depends on how much an OP is able to meet a WS's needs then, yes? What if they meet them all? Would that be considered one of the 3%?

I'm just trying to figure it out. The more I learn, the less I ever want to get involved with anyone again. I'll be thinking about the scientific thing. No romance.

And as far as the 3% goes...my WS-Gray and OW-Slag discussed this very thing. Along the lines of: "We might be that 3%," or something like that.

So say for the sake of argument, Slag meets all of
Gray's EN's and he hers. They wouldn't have MB knowledge, of course, so that means LB's would be present and DJ's, etc. Is that how it's factored into the equation of the "romance" wearing off?

Charlotte

Addressing the singles ENs question, I think it's a combination of different things, varying for each person.


For one, the LBs are low. If a friend or someone has too many LBs, you just don't spend time with them, or atleast they aren't as damaging as you can keep good boundaries with that person.

And you can get your ENs met from multiple sources (SF excluded of course). Probably not in great quantities from anyone person, but a little bit here, a little bit there. But I imagine for most, the overall level is lower then they desire..otherwise, why get married?

And for me anyway, back when I was single, I had a future expectation of ENs being met, and that was a drving force a lot of the time. Whether it be meeting that person, or some new person you're dating that looks promising. The little things and newness of it all can count alot. Again, not as good as ENs met from a good marriage, but it's something.

Well, I think the "romance" always wears off, because much of the "attraction phase" of love is neurochemical in nature.

As far as your Mr Gray and his Slag go... the odds are against affairs, not because of ENs or LBs, but because the relationship was grounded in deceit.

Both affair partners lied to their spouses, both partners cheated on people they had sworn to always love. Always in the back of their mind they will remember that.

Every relationship hits rough patches and rocky parts, when they hit those rough patches, they have the knowledge in the back of their head that the affair partner cheated on their last spouse, so what's to stop them from cheating now? The kind of trust that married couples should have is not possible under these conditions.

Also, suppressed guilt probably plays a role. Plus, the Wayward had to trash and throw away a lot when the affair came out into the open, including familial relationships and their own self-image as a decent person. That's a big burden to overcome as well.

LBs are toxic to the relationship, and Gray and Slag won't know anything about them... but even if they did, they would be hard-pressed to avoid them, given where they are in life. After all, they have each committed the ultimate love buster to their betrayed spouse... so everything else is kind of small potatoes in comparison, easy to rationalize.


Personally, I don't see a conflict between the two. Yes, neurology and psychology and scientific analysis can explain *how* the feeling of love occurs... but it cannot explain *why*. ENs and LBs etc give you tools to make sure your marriage stays in good shape... but they are just tools, they aren't the reason for the relationship.

I know why my wife was unhappy. I know how we fixed that. But I cannot explain *why* (or even really *how*) I found out about her unhappiness when I did. I cannot explain all of the circumstances - how I discovered that she had a secret email account and was able to figure out the password just in the nick of time to be able to change my ways before she filed for divorce.

Science can explain why I feel in love with her and why she fell in love with me... but not how, without even consciously realizing it, I managed to find someone whose temperment so closely complements my own. And now that our relationship is rightly grounded and we are in right standing with one another... science does not explain how closely we are in sync with each other to the point where we say the same things at the same times, or where we call each other on the cell phone, only to get a busy signal because the other one is calling at the exact same time.

That can't all be neurochemistry...