Hi

I have been married for 12 years and moved out of my house, rented an apartment for me and my daughter about a month ago.

Little background on my situation:
Dated my hubby for 2 years
Fell pregnant at 19
Got married at 20 He 23 DD 6months

Our marriage started out with all the normal bumps (I assume), but just progressed to something unbearable (for me at least). We started out not having much and worked really hard to achieve the comfortable life we have now. Everything started 3 years into our marriage when we started to gain some financial freedom. I had a low paying job, and he was just started climbing the corporate ladder. We decided that he should study while I take care of DD and the house and taking on part time work. Once he was done, I would go back to school and then take on a full time job.

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and when we had our feet kind of planted he had her stay with us. I really had no problem with this coz i thought it would be great to have an older sista for our daughter and company for her as well. My only concern was that he never approached me or discussed this arrangement with me. I put it aside because I thought it's nothing to worry about and I adored his daugter (3 years older than my DD).

He started studying and completed his degree. As per the arrangement I wanted to enrol which I did. I started complaining that its a bit tough taking care of the household, the kids,job and studying part-time and needed some help - (we didn't have money to get someone to help). He agreed but nothing happened - no help. After some time I stopped asking for help and struggled on my own.

Needless to say, I wasn't that focussed on my studies. When DD went to school, I started work full-time and yes, still studied part time at a very slow rate, after dropping out for a year. Things just went ballistic. Work, home, the kids, studies - were all getting to me. Then, DH decided he wants to go back to school to do his masters. I was so shocked. Our original plan - GONE.. I confronted him and he says: It's important for my career. Yeah right - as if I don't have ambitions.I left it at that... I know that once he decided on something no-one can change his mind. He finished his masters, me still no degree (dropped out again)... Now hubby's making it to the top of the corporate ladder. He becomes more aggressive (not violently) at home (still no contribution to household chores) and starts treating us as his sub-ordinates.

It seems to me that the more money he made the worst things got at home. I finally got a better paying job (2years ago), the kids were a bit grown and they started helping with the household chores. I started concentrating on me. Oh yes, Hubby started doing some degree (didn't really take note), which would take him +- 4 years part time to complete (don't really know all the details). Well I started spending more time with the kids, going to movies, shopping and visiting family. That was our week-end ritual - without him. He was always to busy either studying,or working etc.

We began planning things without him. Eventually he started noticing that we do not consult him when we leave. He approached me a year ago and accused me of always being on the road, putting my family before him etc. WOW! Our original plan when we got married was to work hard, have kids, and live comfortably. We attained most of that and yet we have no time to spend with each other. In the 12 years we've been married we have never, ever been on a holiday. It's was always a case of "We don't have the money" or "I don't have the time". I started suggesting that I will go visit some family in another city without him. He was furious.

Long story short... (I'm sorry I know this is quite long)

He started banning me from going to family and friends. I thought that If i stopped we would not argue that much so, i stopped going. Financially he's much better of than me. I think I must have been asleep or in some kind of daze the first 10 years of our marriage. We used to discuss money together but gradually it became "your money" and "my money". He took care of the mortage and I took care of the other stuff, food clothes etc.

I never received any money from him (not that I cared) unless it was for something for the house. He started giving me lectures on why I don't better myself, to get an education in order to get a better job...What! This turned into a argument and alot of hurtful things were said. I couldn't believe that this was the same man I married.

I started "building walls". We were intimate maybe once every 3months. This did not bother me. I always thought you shoud be intimate with someone you feel close too. Clearly we had some distance between us. I basically just did it to shut him up.

Communication went from bad to worse. I had no input in this relationship. Whenever I told him the things he's doing/saying is hurting me he would always, always apologise but it would happen over and over again. When we decide to talk things out - He would take the lead identifying what is wrong and what we should do to fix it. Later on - i just kept quiet because whatever I said did not matter, he clearly had all the answers.
We seperated on 3 or 4 occassions mostly for a month at a time with promises and hopes and dreams for the future. Starting anew etc.

Our relationship deteriorated until everything became too much for me and i packed up and left. It's been over a month now and I am so confused... We are still in contact and we have identified all the LB's (or were trying). The only problem I have is that I don't know if I want to go back and try again.

He says that he understands his role and contribution to the breakdown of our marriage and he's definately going to change. This is what I have a problem with: Will he EVER change. I have heard things about his changes before and nothing happened. I have never before gone this far as to sign a 6month rental agreement and i think that is the main reason he's so spooked.

At the moment I feel as if I have such a peaceful life. No arguing, no fights, no-one telling you where you can and cannot go. My battle is between my heart and my mind. My heart says I should go back and my mind is saying he'll never change.

My apologies for the long post but I am just trying to give you a snapshot of what my life is like...

Please help - Any advice is welcome

WhichWay,

You didn't mention anything about marriage counselling. Have you guys tried that yet? It sounds like you've read through this site some, has he? Does he really understand what he's been doing all these years?

In regards to whether or not he can change, yes, he definitely can. It is his choice to do so or not though. As you stated, you've never taken things this far before and IMO, it's entirely possible that this shocked him in to realizing how serious this is and that he really could lose you. Separation certainly did for me.

This site would recommend that you move back in if you want to work on your marriage, and that makes perfect sense. But I think you need to get some promises from him. Promises to go to marriage counselling, and that he'll study the principles of marraige in this site and follow them. I'd especially look at the policy of joint agreement, and the LB of independent behavior. I'm thinking you can trust him and have a great marriage going forward, but it takes commitment from both of you.

I'm in the same boat as you, except I was never strong enough to leave. IMO, since you're comfortable where you are and since it's the only way you'll get his attention or keep him interested, use the 6 months to do massive marriage/personal counseling - both of you - and determine at the end of the six months which direction you will take. Let him know the plan; if he gets on board, work on it; if he refuses, you have your answer.

Where is his daughter in all this?

I don't disagree with catperson, but don't put a time limit on it. If you're ready in a month, then move back in then. And you certainly don't want him thinking he can wait 5 months before he gets serious.

Thanks for the reply dkd,


Yes, we have been to MC for about a month. Then we stopped, because he felt that there was no need to pay someone for something we can do by ourselves. Needless to say, two weeks post MC were back to where we left off.


i agree with this statement.This is where my confusion lies. In this month he has shown some changes in his attitude towards me and the kids. We talk constantly, but sometimes his old ways still filters through. This to me seems as if he is just putting up a show to get me back. It's almost as if he has to pretend that he has changed and then he forgets to pretend and then I see bits of the old guy.(If that makes sense...)


I have no problem moving back in but I'm just so afraid. In this month of seperation I have done quite a bit of reflecting (on myself). I realised that everything that happened was mostly my fault. I allowed him to control, belittle and intimidate me. I have no one to blame but myself. I should have stood up for myself more often and not leave things for the sake of peace.

Now, I have experienced life without him and it really aint that bad (not that i am condoning it). I think I am stronger than i thought I was. There is no arguments and I can come and go as I please. I have no-one except my daughter to satisfy with regards to needs. I have tried my darndest in my marriage and received nothing in return. For me now, I'm not sure what to think.

I now understand why seperation is bad, especially in a situation where you were controlled. Now the battle is whether to give up your new found independence. All I have ever wanted was to get married, have kids and be happy.

Another one of my problems which I failed to mention (coz theres so many), is the fact that I wanted another baby. He refuses, stating he already has 2. To me this is a bit selfish seeing that I had no problem with his daughter living with us. I did not need to take care of two babies if i only had one. Sorry if I'm rambling a bit - It's just the mindset I'm in.

Is it normal to be so confused. The one moment I am very keen to go back home and reconcile, the other I am vowing to divorce him and get on with my life. I really hate being so indecisive. Whenever we talk he has me in some kind of mental grip where I just can't voice my opinion. I fail to state what i want and it. When I'm not with him, I know exactly what i want. I am so used to the fact that I'm always wrong that I battle to make him understand that I can talk some sense. He used to discuss some issues with me, yet he already has his plan worked out, ask me for an opinion, and just ignore everything i say and do what he wants.

I use to tell him that he only consults with me because that is the right thing to do but he never REALLY listens. After sometime I use to just say: "Whatever you think is best honey". This I think is the reason i am battling to talk to him now. I just feel the need to avoid him. Sometimes i feel so irritated when he calls to talk about our situation. I just want him to leave me alone. I know, I sound like some crazy..:-)

I just don't know what to do. I am not sure I can trust him. I have started patching up the wounds and I'm just so afraid to get hurt anymore. I do not want to return and know that I can leave anytime if I feel I want to. I would like to be sure when I go back home.

Does any of this make sense?

Yeah, giving HIM a deadline would be a bad idea; he would use it against you. But having a deadline in your head would allow you to set goals. You have enough indecision in your life already.

Then moving back in with him without serious counseling would be disastrous and you'd get the same old routine once he feels safe in controlling you again. It'll start all over UNLESS you learn to not put up with it, through counseling.

You sound almost exactly like my wife in describing the way you feel, so I'll tell you what I'm struggling with and what I wish my wife had done to give me a chance.

Don't stop on the MC. It is a very wise investment. As you know, you may have things figured out, but having a 3rd party to keep you on track is very important. My wife and I dropped MC too. Big mistake.

He won't be able to change all his habits overnight. It takes time to realize what his habits are, and then he sometimes will screwup and fall back to old habits without realizing it. When he does fall on old habits. Let him know how it made you feel and that it's isn't going to work anymore, but give him a chance to keep trying if you can tell that he really is. My habits were very deep, learned from my parents marriage, and it's taking time to dump them.

I've been separated for 6 months now, and my wife has finally come to realize that I do love her, that I'm not just faking it for a short time to get her back. It shouldn't be surprising if it's the same for you.

There were many times that I called and she just wanted to leave me alone, she was afraid I'd be controlling and such, the same as you. She still doesn't want to talk about things much, but it isn't so much because she's afraid the conversation will hurt. So again, I understand where you are coming from.

My wife let me make decisions too...and then would feel as though I wasn't considering her opinion. For us, it's a mutual problem, and it sounds like it's the same for you two.

As for the baby situation, this sounds like a perfect POJA situation. You guys need to find a way where you both win, instead of one of you getting your way and the other just resents the decision.

I don't know your husband and I can't speak for him, but I just don't think you should give up yet. Treat him with the love and respect you want to be treated with (for his ENs) and keep your boundaries strong. I know it hurts, and when you love someone and they don't love back, it hurts like hell. But can you imagine what your marriage can be like once you get past all of this? Is that worth it?

Thanks guys,

I am so glad I found this site.

My main focus now is to is to get myself sorted out (like someone mentioned here). I find it very difficult to look at my husband and not think about past events. For that reason I am afraid to commit to any reconciliation. So the time limit thing - spot on. No commitment from me.

I am just afraid that i might make the biggest mistake of my life if I don't think about this carefully and make a hasty decision. At the moment I'm still very angry, more for the fact that I have basically wasted a couple of years. I did not have to be so unhappy all these years if I just had the courage to take a stand earlier.

About his daughter - She moved with me. She refuses to stay with him. She has asked me if it was o.k to move to her mothers place. She's been there for a two weeks now. Unfortunately he does not have a relationship with the kids unless he can provide them with luxuries and loads of money.

MC is definitely on the books. We'll be starting on Monday. This after I requested it because, we cannot solve our problems on our own. He is still in denial about problems. He says it's all about communication. I beg to differ because communication involves listening as well.

I'm very aware that changes cannot happen overnight which makes me very suspicious regarding all his changes. I also feel that he is putting too much pressure on me to return back home. Especially since he claims to have changed so much. Could it be that he feels threatened for losing control (over me)?

I thought it wise that we should still be in contact in order to work on our relationship but, everytime i see him, i feel pressured for an answer. Should I go NC? There is no doubt in my mind that I still love him but it's almost as if i want to keep loving him - but from a distance....

Anyway, thanks everyone !

I put a lot of pressure on my wife at first too. I still pressure her a bit. I felt like if I didn't get things fixed quickly, it would be too late. I really wanted my wife to tell me that she loved me and wouldn't give up on me. I could be way off on this, but if if my wife could have believed in me and let me know that she wasn't going to give up, I feel like I could have been more patient. Then again, if I had known that, then maybe I wouldn't have worked so hard to make the changes I needed to make.

Point is, maybe if you tell him you still love him, but things can't go on the way they were before, you won't go on like that, then maybe he can give you the space you need and not try and fix everything immediately? Although honestly, the fact that you're in MC should be enough.

That would have been the case for me. I would never have been able to make all the changes with myself, if my wife would have given into my my begging and pleading for her to stay. I am confident that nothing would have changed and we would have gone back to the same rut. I am glad that I have had the time to learn what I was doing wrong and given the time to work on it.

So, we started MC today.
Nothing new, like the counsellor said, it's basically the same things we spoke about the last time we were there.

We also had time to talk over the week-end. Everything went well but I graciously asked him not to stop by anymore or rather not that often. Simple reason, whenever he comes around and we start discussing our issues it tends to run into the wee hours of the morning.This is very tiring for me and I tend to get frustrated.

After leaving MC today I asked myself whether I still want to continue with this marriage and I still don't have an answer. I also promised myself that I need to figure out if love was enough to stay. I am currently experiencing a love/hate relationship with him. One moment when I'm alone I think of all the love I have/had for him, the next I just despise him.

I am not sure what it is that I am hoping to gain out of MC. I have conveyed my feelings of doubt to my husband and the counsellor. He reckons I have too much resentment towards my husband at the moment.

Is it wrong to feel that i don't need all the "stress" of marriage in my life. Especially now that we are seperated. It just feels so right. It might be because the responsiblity of the household burden is much lighter etc... I just don't know.
I will continue going to MC and maybe IC as well. I just fear that in the end I will decide not to continue and then my husband would resent me for not telling him sooner.

I have discussed this concern with him and he does not seemed to be bothered at all. He is certain that we'll get through this and live happily ever after. For me, I'm just not sure....