I was a lurker on this site for a long time and just tried to deal with the issues myself. I'm not sure what I want to do right now so I thought I would ask.

Here is the history.

I have been married more than 20 years and I have 5 children. The oldest is in college and the others are all teenagers. The youngest are the 13 year old twin boys.

Anyway about 10 years ago, my wife became distant, no SF, no real time for me at all and spending huge amounts of time with a male coworker. I asked if she was having an affair, she denied but gave me the "I don't want to be married, I never loved you, we should just move on.". Needless to say with 5 kids I was not doing that so I said, no I am staying to raise the kids, I can't make you stay but I won't be the one to ask for a divorce. So we had about a year of humiliation for me where I am sure she was having an affair, but I stopped mentioning it because as soon as I did she would start the divorce train. After the year, he found someone else and stopped having any time with my wife. She was super depressed but basically returned to some focus on the family and a very very minimum attention to me. Including some SF, 2 X per month.

I just decided I was staying until the kids are raised, keeping my mouth shut and then I would serve D papers when the last kid is out the door. About 3 months ago, she just started to try really really hard to reconnect with me. Sex at least once a day, being nice, saying she loves me ...

Here are my issues

1) She has never apologized to me. I swallowed alot of nastiness and I think I am owed at least a recognition of that.

2) I don't love her at all any more. (But I'm a guy so I do like the SF). Maybe the love could come back, but it has been a long time.

What do you guys think is going on here? How should I handle the situation.

I'm not an expert, but I'd say that you should do the same thing that any BS should do.

Start by exposing the affair, especially to the OM's significant other.

Decide if you want to try and make your marriage work...find out if your W wants the same.

Get her tested for STDs.

Listen to the more experienced on this site.

6YL,

Wow, you have my sympathies.

I was thinking that since you have 6 years left and you are staying until the last kid is done anyway, you could at least try. But that's JMHO.

I'm sure the vets will be in to tell you how to do just that soon.

Best of luck to you!!

Charlotte

I'm pretty sure there is no affair right now, can never be 100%.

The problem is I'm just holding out to raise the kids. I'm probably a better husband because I just do whatever she wants so that the home life is happy. I, however, am not happy.

Maybe I need to clarify my question. I am committed to toughing it out to the end, and keeping the home life happy. I just don't know if there is any hope of me changing my plan unless the issues are addressed. I have always put kids first I could just keep doing that and see what happens.

Does your wife know about your plan?

Krazy,

No, she does not know. I formed them plan during her affair and there has never been a time when I thought telling the plan would make it more likely that the kids could keep two parents and a home.

I never said I would stay for ever, and I have never said "I Love you" since the affair. I am nice, conversations, affection, financial support, ... but I have not made a single statement of any commitment beyond the one I made to raise the kids during the affair.

It sounds to me like you are basically "emotionally divorced". I think there's an MB article about that.

Well, here's the first one I found, but I think there's a better one:
The State of Withdrawal

Does your W *know* for sure that you know about the LTA?

If she's making all this effort, have you tried telling her that you are still hurting and angry over the A? That you don't see your M getting any better until/unless she is willing to work through the after-effects of the A, understanding your pain, apologizing and making amends, establishing extraordinary protections for the M, etc?

You might as well tell her, right? What have you got to lose? And she just may be able to hear you now.

6yl,

Had you been actively involved in MB back then, you would have exposed and done a Plan A and then went to a Plan B if she was still seeing the OM. Plan B would have helped you "keep" any feelings of love that you had left for her.

Since you did not do that and allowed her to have her cake and eat it to, you have to decide if you are going to work on this marriage as if you are starting over.

You didn't hold her to any boundaries so she can't be 100% responsible for not apologizing to you or recognition of her behavior. You chose to be a martyr and stay for the kids sake.

I'm not saying that it's your fault or that you don't deserve some compensation for what she has done, but you have to look at how you didn't have a very good plan back then either. Just staying for the kids is a cop out. You could have left and raised the kids on your own and would probably have a new wife that gives you SF and a relationship that is fulfilling so that your children can see what being married is really supposed to be like.

At this point, counsel with the Harleys. What can it hurt? Follow a Recovery plan. Not a 6 years left plan which is a "no plan" and leaves much to be desired for both of you.

You still have alot of years ahead of you. You owe it to your children to truly show them what being in a loving marriage looks like. You may not realize the damage that is caused by brushing things under the carpet and the long term effects on your childrens views of how spouses should interact with one another.

Good luck.

Jayne

I would guess she thinks that I do not know about the affair, that she successfully denied it and it was a long time ago. I read the articles, I think I'm more like the walk away wife person except planned ahead. I think I seem to be a great husband to her, mostly from just trying to make the home happy. I also know she tells her family that I am a great husband and father.

If I bring it up then I risk going down the divorce road again. Plus, it won't mean as much to me if I make her apologize. If she would just come to me and tell me and apologize it would be a good start. I have been part of my own love bank emptying because I never, ever, ask her for anything, or let her know about my needs. That was not part of the plan but 8.5 years of the other person not caring gradually makes you stop communicating.

OnlyUCan,

I know I messed up, but we are not divorced and neither of us is currently having an affair. Maybe I should consider an individual counseling session. Do the H's do those?
I'm not sure I have it in me to start over. I don't even feel sad when I think about it being over. I think my kids have benefited from keeping their real mom, she is a pretty good mom if you remove that year of A.

The reason I'm here is I feel guilty about getting SF all the time, I'm used to getting nothing. The plan seemed perfectly justified when I was getting nothing. :-(
I'm not going to turn her down for SF, because I know very well how that hurts.

What is your religious affiliation?

"I never said I would stay for ever, and I have never said "I Love you" since the affair. I am nice, conversations, affection, financial support, ... but I have not made a single statement of any commitment beyond the one I made to raise the kids during the affair" -

When you said "I do" you pledged to love her and stay with her "forever" -

You have gone through a lot - I respect you for your stace with the kids. Do you not think that they will be hurt by seeing you divorce in their adult years? That might even be worse as they will be of age to realize that you stayed just to "keep the family" together. Your kids will need to see you and their mom together for their lives and not just their "young lives".

IMO you should drop your plans for what might happen in 6 years - Make a plan for today. She is meeting your needs now - meet her half way. Invest as much time in a plan to stay with her for life as you are in that plan to leave.

If you continue to "love" her now, and then leave her in 6 years what will that say about you? What if her love cycle has changed and she is deeply in love with you at that time?

You have a tough road - I hope that you find a way to build the marriage and to focus on giving her the love that she wants, needs, and YES deserves.

It's doubtful that she would reach for D now that the A is over and she has recommitted to the M again.


You won't be "making her apologize", you'd just be starting an honest conversation w/ her.

Sit her down, and simply tell her that you know she had an A.

There's no need to argue w/ her about it.

Simply state that you know it's true. And that you've known about it for a long time.

Tell her not to answer you right away, but to give your next question some serious thought...And then ask her what if anything she is willing to do to repair the damage.

And see what she comes up w/.

MoDaisy,

I'm not religious. The original vows ( I do believe in keeping your promises ) were shattered 10 years ago. I know it will hurt my kids, it makes me sad, but I won't be able to do it if I think it is forever.

I read the HNHN book, I suspect I have been doing an 8 year long gradual plan A and that she is very much in love with me. Now the problem is that I do not lover her, not even a little. I just act like I do all the time. I don't hate her but even right after sex I will think about the affair and the years after it. Then I just shut down.

I know this sounds horrible, but I feel trapped. I'm thinking I may need a psychiatrist.

Marshmallow,

You might be right, I need to think about it.

I think she has somehow realized that I don't love her and is afraid she will lose me. The trouble is that 8.5 years of neglect is hard to forget. Especially when it was started with a PA. ( I think that means sexual affair). To be fair, I'm not even sure I can get past the PA at all. I'm not saying I can't just that I don't know.

I really think you need to sit her down and talk to her about what is going on for you.

You don't have to tell her you are plaaning a D in 6 years. But I would suggest telling her that you have been living in a loveless M with her for these past years, and clearly there has been a change in her attitude, and you would like to know why. Tell her you appreciate the new found romance, but would just like to know why it started.

I think you need to finally open the discussion about her A as well. I know that you feel scared that she will talk D again, but I do not honestly think she will. She is apparantly trying to reconnect with you - so why would she try to D you now?

What you are doing, is avoiding conflict, which is a very bad thing in a M. You have avoided conflict for so long, and stuffed your feelings down inside for so long, that you are contributing to the death of your M.

Wouldn't it be nice to be in a passionate, loving M, with the mother of your kids??

Perhaps you could plan a weekend away, just the two of you, with time to talk?

D is tough on kids, no matter what age they are. My boys were teenagers when their Dad left, and that was tough. Now they are 18 and 21, and it is still tough on them. It would be great if your kids could finally see how to have a loving, affectionate M. You still have 6 more years to model that for them. Wouldn't that be great?

She broke her vows - Why do you have to break yours?

Want be able to do what ???? If what is forever ????

MoDaisy,

I don't have to break my vows, I just don;t think I am bound by them anymore. I don't think I have a license to cheat, I'm not sure why but it is out of the question.

I can't pretend to be the perfect husband for the rest of my life. I can do it until the kids are grown, I mean people work in sweatshops to raise their kids. I can do this.

WomanofFaith5,

How would you feel if your husband told you he had not loved you for almost 10 years? How can I do that and expect us to stay married. This change has only been for 3 months.

Is it fair for me to see if the changes last while I decide if I can get past the affair? Right now I think that I cannot get past it, but there is no need to rush.

Perhaps her response to the question I proposed would help you decide whether you will be able to get past this.