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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Hello MB,

The short version of my story is as follows. Been married to my HS sweetheart for 20yrs, like most, thought we had that one in a million perfect marriage....that was until JAN99 when I looked at the bank account and notice an 800$ withdrawal going back several months quite constantly. I ask H about it and all the color drained from his face. Fear struck me like a ton of bricks..I thought he had gotten into financial trouble of some type and being the man that he was did not want to worry my with it. I trusted him completely so I did not push for an answer at that time I actually made excuses to allow him to "just take care of it".

In Jun of that year his company went under and he was out of work with no severance pay. I was pretty successful in my career by now so encouraged him to take this time go back to school and I would support the family financially during this time. He hit the roof, accused me of call him weak, trying to control him. Said he was capable of taking care of his own responsibilities and would never be "kept". Now, one of the things I have always admired about him was his strength and his old fashioned manliness. I chalked his behavior up to the male ego and dropped it. But, as the weeks went by with no job his anger and fear became more concerning. We were not financially stress but he acted as if we were about to lose everything. One night after he thought I was in bed he went downstairs and was going over the bills, there was one envelope that seem to really cause him more stress that the others...I had to know what was in that envelope...yet I really was not ready.

Quite by instinct,from the stairwell I asked is that the 800$ bill that have you so stressed"? He said yes, come join me we need to talk. He told me that he had an affair with "T" that he met through work. Said affair lasted about 2months, had sex 3-4 times...it was a mistake and that he was sorry. Then the tears came..his tears I was in shock...said she got pregnant and they have a 1yr old son.

He had already had a DNA test, CS setup (800$/MO) and he was completely NC with OW & OC except for sending the CS.

My initial reaction was not good. I demanded to meet this woman and her child. I set out to humiliate her to the core...how dare she destroy my family. I was disgusted by my H's touch but I need him to help me get my revenge on this woman. She was in the military(he was not) so I made him call her commanding officer and report the affair and child and demand they give her a NC order. The command would not give us details of what happened to her if anything and I was furious. We(he) contacted more that 5 indivial up her chain of command with different complaints. In hindsight they must have thought he was mental LOL.

I called to make sure that she knew that her "[censored]" would never get his hands on anything that belongs to me and my family and that included H.

OW responded to me once and said "I'm sorry that you are hurting". That [censored]...she cause my pain how dare she. I made H file for a reduction in CS because he was not working and be damn if I was gonna pay for his affair child. We were able to get our case heard within 60 day. The day of court I arrived arm and arm with H. I looked at every women in the waiting area wondering if she was OW(never did get to confront in person). I thought my heart would stop any moment. I look at H and it felt as if I could not breath. I had a moment of reckoning that day that I don't think most ever have the fortune to have. I realize that the OW could be any woman but the only man that could have made this different for me was WH. I had become so focused on the OW that I couldn't see my WH. Any and all of those women in the court room could have offered sex to WH but it only took his no to prevent this in my life.

It was hard to except this and still not obsess about OW but if I wanted to save my marriage continue to love and respect my H than I had to. After court we ask to meet with OW and discuss visitation with OC. Due to all my ill behavior toward OC we agreed to mediated visitation initially.

The first visit was hard, it was painful to see my H hold and care for this child he had with another woman. The one thing I knew was that IF he was willing to walk away from his child that he would never have my respect again. I also knew that would make him capable of walking away from our children if we didn't workout. Before all of this I loved the man that my H was and that man could never abandon a child especially his child. I forgave him and supported him to make this up to me and our family as well as making up missing the first of life to OC. Our family had grown and done well this past 9+ years. OC is very much a part of our family...to all we have 4kids and never refer to him as an OC. OW is well, just OC's mom...nothing more nothing less. I don't monitor or dictated H contact with her...he is completely clear that it he is ever caught across that line again I will divorce him...the end no discussion..it is his choice.

What brings me here today? Well as I approach the 10yr mark of d-day I am trouble by a discovery of more information. His G-mom passed a few months ago and I prepared her house to sale. There was a lock box that had WH name on it(he live with her during HS). Inside was papers and pictures and letter...most were from and to me. There were many others form other girls that was suggestive of a relationship during the same time we were dating. One above all others stood out "T". HE WAS DATING HER IN HS AT THE SAME TIME AS HE DATED ME. He spoke of his concussion between the two of us, he told her how sorry he was to continue to but her through the triangle. He assured her that "he loved her beyond anything imaginable". He told her that it was an expectation that he be with me and marry me. Said his family would never accept her.

I also found evidence that the A was not a few months but for 2yrs leading up to OC.. It also suggest that he( my perfect partner) wanted the child to "forever bind their love". From what I can tell the relationship has never resumed since d-day. I have not confronted H with this new revelation. It feel like d-day all over again with the added betrayal of loving this child that he intentially go without the full knowledge of the circumstances. How do I handle this?


BS-Me
WS-HIM
Married 20yrs(HS sweethearts)
DS 18 & 3
DD 14
OC 10
Contact since dday
D-DAY SEPT99
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 349
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 349
Bumping up for others to help you it might be slow due to hoilday weekend

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
C
Member
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C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
I'm really sorry you are here. I'm sure that some of the experts will help you. At the very least, you deserve the truth about your life. Personally I would confront him because you do need the truth.

Counseling with the Harleys is probably a good thing for you to think about if you want to save this M.

Are you sure there has been no contact with this woman? I'm very doubtful on that.

Weekends are slow, but hopefully you will get some expert advice soon.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
H
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Thanks for the response...after reading what I posted I realized it wasn't truly a short version lol...I guess it is a bit much to read.

I am a talker so I will have to work on that.


BS-Me
WS-HIM
Married 20yrs(HS sweethearts)
DS 18 & 3
DD 14
OC 10
Contact since dday
D-DAY SEPT99
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
I suggest that you discuss the letter with your husband. Secrets are not good for a marriage. And also you deserve the truth.

On MB we always suggest that their be no contact with the OW forever, because an affair could happen again at any time. Apparently you are satisfied that this has not occured.

You say that he has been the perfect husband, but that is hard to believe with his deception festering in the background.

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
Sorry to see you here however at least this is the right place for talking to a lot of very smart people. Helped me a lot.

I see a few issues but lets look at 3 of the main ones
1 the affair and no contact ( assuming this is correct)
2 the length of the affair is in question - if true means honesty has not been total from WH
3 he was two timing you before you married in high school with the person who has turned out to be the OW ,,,, and maybe some others as well during this time.

Lets talk about the 3rd issue first
As I am assuming this was in fact during your high school years and this was before he committed as an adult to you in marriage & perhaps it should be placed in that context. Yes its hurtful but the words he wrote to her at that time should perhaps not be too much taken to heart. This was the past before your marriage. Let those letters rest in the past. Frankly I suspect he used whatever excuse he could to dump the then high school OW. If there were others he did the same thing. Not particularly very nice however not unknown by young men or women during these years. The concern is that his affair was with the grown up version of the teen OW ... the same person and this raises doubt.

2nd
The length of the affair IS a really important issue as it goes to the honesty of the apparent recovery between you over the last 10 years. If he lied about this has he lied about more? Perhaps .... he may also have decided to try and reduce his crappy act of adultery by saying it was 1 year and not 2 or whatever... sadly not unknown from a WS. However it raises concern that he does NOT get it fully. You need honesty to let this pain go from your life... as much as it ever does. You need honesty to recover the M. If he's not willing to be honest then its natural that you question his real commitment to the M because he obviously is not being honest.

finally no contact
From what info you have provided it SEEMS there is no contact except maybe at OC exchange time. I cannot tell one way or the other if there is more. If he doesn't disappear... if he's no longer than you would take to drop OC back at his bio mums ..... if all of it ads up the right way ....then perhaps there is no contact that can be of concern ....... HOWEVER trust but verify is a very sound thing to do in this circumstance. IS he open about his whereabouts? does he let you know where he is? can you contact at any time ????
These things he should be absolutely open with you. He should be WORKING on not just your needs but on ensuring you feel safe in the M he damaged. And he should be quite willing to do so without resentment ... eager in fact.

In short ... I'm wordy too ... you should talk to him about this apparent dishonest story of a 1 year affair and letters which indicate it was 2 years or whatever. If he gets angry its a good sign he's been caught out ... maybe more ???? if he's upset and remorseful then maybe just maybe he was stupid and fearful of the consequences at the time. ,..... you leaving him etc.
BUT as long as dishonesty is in the m you will always doubt ... that cannot but hurt the M

Use the Harleys if you need to but get this out in the open ..... then you can deal with the outstanding issues or problems.

all the best

AW


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.


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