I ended an EA 2 days ago. Have been married 2o yrs and got involved with a co-worker divorced man. Obviously he filled the needs my husband was not meetinmg and I fell hook line and sinker. I finally told my husband because I could not take it anymore and the affair was at the point where were about to get physically involved. My husbands response was unusual. He was calm amd cool amd collected. He said he sort of knew and was hoping it wasw not true, also knew who it was. I am not a good lier, at all and knew I would get busted. My 18 year old son had already questioned me about it.

My husband immediately said I love you and we need to do what ever we have to do to move forward and save our marraige and our family. I knew I needed my husbands support to end this affair and I knew if I told him that I would not turn back. I am wondering though if his very calm and passive response to all this was just shock or was it real, and I am wondering what he will experience next. Will his attitude change, will he get angry at me or withdraw. We plan to go to counseling.
I am definately grieving going through all the Kuebller Ross stages I am sure, major withdrawal. Still fantasizing about us reuniting someday, but I really want this to work with my husband and I have a 9 year old daughter who needs her family together.

I imagine I will have to leave my job which kills me becaue my services are very much needed in that I am serving a population of very indigent people in need of medical care doing what I love. Our love for medicine and for taking care of the patients that most medical providers would rather not see was what brought us together initially. WE do not work the same shifts (ever)but there will be some telephonic communication concerning patient cases, this will be minimal though. I feel that I can not just quit without notice as WE are literally holding this clinic together. I believe that I need to allow them ample time to find a replacement. Is that selfish of me becuse I know it is best to cut all contact with him asap.

I am glad I found this sight. Just reading the basic concepts has helped already. I thought my feelings of withdrawal were a sign of weakness, I now see that this is a normal stage whivh makes me feel better. I am worried about my husband though. Alijo

Current BH reaction is no guarentee of his future response.
You have to sit out that storm.

You are wise to realize that you can no longer work with the OM. You will have to find a new job to ensure NC. Good luck.

I know I feel so stupid because now I not only affected my family but a whole clinic of people in need. I can not just quit and leave abrubtly though. then I feel bad saying it is unethical to do that when it was unethical to have an affair in the first place.

Alijo:

Congrats and good for you! You caught it before it went to a PA and you are taking the steps necessary to save your family a lot of grief and to rebuild your relationship with your husband. There are other jobs out there and your FAMILY has to come ahead of any job.

I applaud you! Good luck.

thank you for your response,we were in the very early stages of a PA but the majority of our A (last few months)was an EA the PA was only in last few weeks which scared us both, alot. thankfully I woke up and thankfully OM got scared of that too, which encouraged me make my desicion. I have a job interview next week so I am hoping that I can change jobs rather fast. What is this NC letter I see people talking about? Alijo

Does your H know that your A had progressed to a PA? Your first post suggested it did not, but this latter post of yours suggests that it did.

ajijo, the only ethical response is to quit the job immediately and vow to never see or speak to the OM again. To stay in contact with the OM at this point would be cruel and unusual punishment to your husband. It is also unethical to place your employer in such a precarious legal position. Any more contact with the OM will prevent any hope of recovery for your marriage and will further devastate your husband.

Dr. Harley suggests that you write a no contact letter in the way the BS would write it and gives an example in his book. The letter should be sent by you and your H together.

Here is a link that I think you might find helpful, How to Survive Infidelity but I would also suggest you get the book, Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and send your husband here to this forum.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Lifechoice post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048341&fpart=1

Quote:
He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE.


I can certainly attest to this. My situation is a prime example of what not to do. I kept myself stuck in withdrawal for over 2 years because I continued to work with my FOM. In these 2 years I had no desire to get back into the A, I just couldn't break free of my addiction.

After I ended the A I learned about the addiction part of it and agreed it was a huge part of it. The scary part of the addiction is during the 2 years FOM and I worked together I didn't even realize how much I was still addicted to him. We did our best to remain professional, but the addiction was still there and kept me very stuck. I couldn't get over certain aspects of the A, but couldn't figure out why. (duh). I thought I had a good handle on it, but in all reality I didn't. It wasn't until after FOM left our employer and moved out of town that I finally could get through withdrawal. I should also add it was this bad for me and I only worked about 6 days a month. I can only imagine it would be much worse for someone who works with the AP on a full-time basis.

Now every time I read where AP's are still working together I just cringe. I wasted 2 years of my time in withdrawal and at the same time for one of the years trying to rebuild my marriage. Talk about a lot of mental anguish and conflict.

My advice to everyone from a BTDT POV, a WS needs to get as far away from the AP as they can.

LC

I understand your position. I imagine you feel an emmense relief as well as those grief stages you spoke of - and they are there - I experience them too.

My BH had similar reactions - he knew what was going on and never responded in an angry or hurtful way.

From what I've been able to read thus far, it seems that the reactions to our betrayal differ from person to person. It does seem that everyone experiences the pain, hurt, lack of trust... and so on, but the expression of those emotions seems to be an individual choice.

I am sure there are generalizations to be made. I would only suggest not to read too much into how he's responding right now - or later for that matter.

You sound really grounded in what you want and what you need to do to get there... so take it one day at a time - it is a recovery process.

You have yours and he has his. For us, it has worked best that we continue to recognize this on a day to day basis and do the best we can, each day, with each change, to honor where we are individually as well as a recovering couple.

Gosh, I'm reading this and wondering whether the affair was about to get physical, like you said in your first post, or DID get physical, like you said in your next one.

Hope you told your husband whatever the truth is.

Alijo,

Frankly, your posts leave me with a very cold feeling. You have mentioned that you are a crappy liar, you are feeling grief, and you will have to change jobs. The way you capitalize the "we" when referring to how important your job with OM is, is offensive to me.

I have not seen you mention anything about your BH except he has had a calm reaction.

I would imagine your BH will not stay calm if you continue thinking about how important "WE" are and YOUR grief and YOUR needs.

I realize you don't have any empathy for your husband's feelings right now. But bear in mind, the calmness won't last long if you can't try to understand the blow you have dealt him.

BUT, this is a great place to learn about marital recovery after an affair, I am glad you found this place.

No he/BH does not know that it progressed to a PA. We kissed a few times so I guess that crosses the line. I cut it off because I did not want to go further and if we stayed together I am sure that would have evolved into more. So I guess this is a PA right?

Yes I am a crappy everything right now. Feel guilty, fell like withdrawing from a drug. Just been 48 hours. Not sure how I should feel or act as I never played this horrible game before.

I have an issue at work with patient abandonment if I just get up and go. I have a fiduciary responsibility to my patients and I can not ignore that either. But I should have thought of all this befoe the A. I know it was unprofessional and unethical.

And yes I know I have to leave the job but can not just walk out tomorrow and not give notice or can I?

alijo

I guess I had the whole EA PA thing confused can it be both because my A was really emotional for months until we kissed a few times last few weeks. No more. Stopped it before it progressed. I am more worried about separating from the emotional part of the A because that is what I was addicted to and attracted to in the beginning and all along. Having someone to talk to who cared and listened and was there or me. I discusses all this with my husband. He is understandabley hurt I realize that, but we need to repair the emotional part of our marraige which is what the problem is. He shuts me up or contradicts me everytime I talk and has done this for a long time now/years. I know it is no excuse for what I did though and I am not implicating that at all. I am wrong and I made sure he knows it was not his fault. My therapist said we need to work on the missing link the very thing I was missing and replacing with someone else. The lack of mental, emotional and intellectual stimulation. Of course I realize the trust and respect issue is paramount before can move forward.
alijo

Did your H ask how far things went? If he did, did you lie to him in response?

Alternatively, did you otherwise mislead lead him by selectively omitting certain details when you confessed to the A?

It's very important that your H know how far your A actually went. If you work on recovering your M, then he discovers later that what he *thought* happened is not what actually happened, it could be like a mini D-Day, and any trust he had in you would be damaged once again.

alijo, the critical first step to recovery has to be NO CONTACT, which means quitting the job. This affair has not ended until that happens. All contact must end to make recovery possible. If contact does not end, there will be no recovery. NONE.


Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

"I have an issue at work with patient abandonment if I just get up and go. I have a fiduciary responsibility to my patients and I can not ignore that either. But I should have thought of all this befoe the A. I know it was unprofessional and unethical."

Alijo,

First and foremost, you have a responsibility to YOUR FAMILY, your patients are secondary to that. YOU brought your children into this world and your fiduciary, emotional and ethical responsibilities are to them, above all. Why have you not considered the abandoment of your family the way you have your clinic?

I am not here to shake a moral stick at you and judge you. We are all human. I just want to point out the naivete I hear when you are discussing your situation. I don't doubt that you play a very important role in the clinic you work at. But you are NOT indispensible there. Believe it or not, there are other providers that care about indigent populations. These patients were there before you and will continue to be after you have moved on.

Your children, on the other hand, will only have one true mother in their lives. Think long and hard about the temporary boost in spirits you are getting from this affair, and think down the road when your children are sharing their time between two households and two mothers. If you continue on the path you are on, at least do it with your eyes wide open and educated as to the consequences you will have chosen for yourself and your family.

I also want to point out that you are playing with fire. You have kissed but not consumated, according to you. This is only going to leave both of you hot and bothered and yearning for each other in a non reality based fantasy, the way a 16 year old dreams about boys.

The others here have plenty of advise for how to get your marriage back on track. Good luck and consider yourself forewarned.

alijo sadly welcome to MB

as with you I was a WW .... I cheated on my DH. No lets be blunt ... I committed adultery. No excuses there are none . Never. Full stop. That is what you need to accept .. no excuse .. and it appears you are realising that.

I guess I understand a bit how you feel right now. It is a bit different for everyone but most mourn for the OM because of the close relationship between each. But that relationship is poison and will as you clearly see destroy your family.

You will probably along the way also feel like the lowest piece of dirt and want to crawl under a rock somewhere as you begin to realise the impact of your actions.

You need to work through both feelings and focus on setting up the conditions to recover your M. Please get help on both .... it makes it a bit easier to get through so as to concentrate on rebuilding your M ... but you will need to just tough it out basically until it fades away enough for you to work on rebuilding.

NO CONTACT as you have been advised is a MUST. FOR LIFE.

Sending a NC letter with your H as per the links given you are a great idea.

Leaving the workplace where the A happened is also in my opinion very important for your H peace of mind as well ..... I left a job I loved in Children's Services protecting kids because I would not stay in the environment which helped me have my affair.... even though the OM was then working 3000km away. In the end it became an important step in our M healing process.

Lastly for now ......... YOU MUST BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOUR H NOW

Why you may ask? You are breaking it to him 'gently' you think ..... if you don't tell him EVERYTHING whatever trust there is left .... and its probably not much ..... will go ... maybe forever!!! He'll keep wondering what else will she eventually admit too. That's not fair and its just not right. tell him the total truth now.
Soon I suggest he will ask questions. Answer all his questions and be ready for him to ask the same question in many ways... he will be trying to work out if you told him the whole story ....... answer with the truth even if ... especially if... its hurtful to your h. He needs to know the worse if he's asking for it.. you need to tell him.

well I guess you have a bit to think about now so I will let you get on with it. Remember it will take time... a lot of time to save your M. No miracles just hard work.

with care

AW

Regarding leaving your job and your concerns:

What would happen if you suddenly became ill and could not perform your duties at work? Answer: They would find a substitute and the patients/clients needs would be met.

Everyone can be replaced within the work environment. We all like to think that we are vital, but we are not.

You are not yet in withdrawal because you have not yet left your job. You still have the potential for contact just as you have described--phone, e-mail, seeing his name on a memo, etc.

Your BH needs you to end your affair. To end your affair, you must leave your job. You have not yet left your job, so your affair continues.

You started the fire, you must put it out.

Leave your job now.

Alternatively, did you otherwise mislead lead him by selectively omitting certain details when you confessed to the A?

It's very important that your H know how far your A actually went. If you work on recovering your M, then he discovers later that what he *thought* happened is not what actually happened, it could be like a mini D-Day, and any trust he had in you would be damaged once again.

[/quote]
Yes today I told him everything and he did not react too much but I am glad it is all out in the open now.