G,
He did not compare me to OW, I did. I feel that simply by introducing her into our marriage there was comparison going on. I believe, and he disagrees, that comparison was part of the deal early on. He says we struggle to communicate effectively. He also told me around d-day what a beautiful connection they had and how communication flowed like a waterfall (my analogy, not his).

Again, do I think he's doing something? Nope. But, I've asked that he treat our marriage proactively not reactively. He is foolish with his choices sometimes and then we have to do two days of clean up. I'm tired of the cleanup part. I need for him to put ME first and not himself. I'm tired of feeling like I do the lions share of recovery. I'd be lying if I did not tell you all how wonderful he's been lately. He's planned a special date, he's attentive, he's calling even if he's 10 minutes late, he checks in all day, every day and he's generally sweet. Yesterday he tried to have a conversation with me. I got angry and brought it to her.

But, here's where we do not agree. He believes we should be able to seperate the Dumpy red-head part of our lives from the rest. He believes there are times where she should not be a factor. But, she always is for me. You know, when we were on vacation we all went mini-golf. I actually thought when it was all over...."wow, I just spent an entire hour and not once did the dumpy red-head come into my mind. that was pleasant." You see, he can put it on a shelf, I'm not there yet.

As for MB weekend...I'll look it up. We really have to do something because we're seemingly ill prepared to be doing it ourselves. And, not that I'll tell him this, but I KNOW this is all hormonal for me and I hate that. I go to the doc in Sept. and I have to have the BC pill changed...it's renderned me a wreck the same week every month. I don't need any help being out of control.

So, I suppose we're on the roller coaster ride again. But, I MUST shake it. My 13yr. old will be singing tonight God Bless America at the 7th inning stretch for a nationally televised baseball game. This night has to be about him.

We had a red haired OW too....I was obsessed with triggers as you were. The more he reassures you and time passes....the more she will not enter your mind....

It does get so much easier with time and real recovery. It does take time though. ( I am talking more than a year or two)

Try to tell those habitual thoughts that surface to shut up...freeze the thought and have a stare down contest with it --> AND IT WILL DISSIPATE....that worked for me.

Fiori,



I know how you feel and believe me I know what hormones can do.
There's a contradiction here. He's doing these wonderful things but he's not putting you first. And you keep letting the dumpy red head be a wedge between you and your H and R. I didn't appreciate my H telling me how wonderful the OW was and how she helped him with me (gag!). I learned one lesson from calling the OW on my husband's cell phone - I was not going to give her the power to interfere with me, my H and my M. I started to focus on just us and no longer considered the OW. Your H wants to focus on you and R. You are the one who keeps bringing the OW back into the relationship. I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive.

IT'S NOT INSENSITIVE....IT'S TRUE!!!!!

I think the biggest roadblock I have is that she still works at same company as H. Now, thankfully, they are in two different buildings, but there is a murmur that her dept. will move some time in OCtober. Because of this he has seriously stepped up his employment search efforts.

On a better note...last night my 13yr. old sang at the 7th inning stretch in front of 43,039 people. He was asked to sing God Bless America and I am amazed. He blew that song out of the water and the crowd roared. What a moment for us as a family!!

Did you record your son singing the anthem so it can be posted on You Tube?

Anyway...I am sure you are way proud of him.

Yes, we recorded. I will have it up later today and post the link. Previously he sang at a talent show and several people from here have already watched him sing. Both will be there so I'll let you know when I've figured out how to do it! Thanks.

fiori,

Awesome! I love hearing the good stuff! It keeps us going.

Oh yeah....I seem to remember viewing a video as you describe several months back and being quite impressed.

Yes, that was him at a talent show. But, this one is much more impressive. Here's the question, though...should I really simply email the youtube address if people want to see it? He's clearly identified by the announcer.

H is working on getting it uploaded as we 'speak'. We'll see for tomorrow...I hope.

Probably a good idea.

I have a 'fake' email address that anyone can use if they'd like to hear/see my little man at the baseball game singing at the 7th inning stretch. Thanks.
nobbietrain@comcast.net

Hope you like it!
Only...I've already emailed you the link.

G,
Here's my horoscope for the day! Very true, very true.

You can't get a positive outcome if all you do is focus on negative stuff. Cheer up.

Yes, very true! I'll send you an email - I would like to see your son sing.

I've been meaning to ask you - do you think by bringing the OW into the R is a form of you getting your H to behave a certain way - kind of like a punishment to get a reaction out of him? Just wondering.

G

No, I'm not sure I think that. But, I do often find myself 'reminding' him of the mess he created because he has this amazing way of shelving stuff and moving on. He mistakenly believes that because he's made the choice to remove himself from her presence that I should take that as my clue to begin the healing process. He's very basic and pragmatic that way. I have to tell him that I'm a person, not an account and that I'm not going to simply 'heal' because he's decided to tell me to. I don't mean that in a bossy way, it's just that he is able to be so detached sometimes and I find that both a trait to envy and one to dislike. It seems cold to me. He just made a choice one day and that's it? Really, it was a several month process for he and she to detach, but now that he says it's behind him....For me, it's still raw. It's still fresh. When we had this awesome night with our son singing the other night, I wondered if he wanted to call OW to tell her the good news. Last year he would have. I know he's circulating the video at work...I sure hope she does not see. Different building...but!!!! I really need for him to be out of her arms length. But, right now he's got a substantial knee injury so I'll just nurse him back to health and concentrate on that rather than OW. Onward....

For me, there is a fear that if I completely forget, it will happen again. And unfortunately, I have had that occur to prove me right. Who knows, maybe that's what I called forth. Anyway, it will pass with time. Your world was rocked, turned upside down. If it was rape, you wouldn't forget it in such a short time. And the pain feels like that in many ways.

LOVED the video. The little guy is awesome. Has he had professional training?

I agree with everything you said...even the part where you called my little man great!

No, really...you're right. I, too, am afraid to forget. I told H that over time I thought forgiveness was much easier than forgetting. Can I forgive stupidity? Yup, I can. Do I forget it? No way! I feel like I have to protect myself. It saddens me to some extent. As I've said before, I was that cocky wife. The one who absolutely would proclaim to anyone with ears that I had worries about my H, but never that he would cheat on me. I also have friends who thought an EA was really not a big deal and could not understand why I was so distressed. I may have thought that before too, until it comes knocking at your own door. Well, I have not figured out what it is yet, but I'm sure there's some lesson here that is supposed to be valuable. Time will tell.

As for the singer...nope, no training at all. He did not even warm up prior to singing. They brought him into a holding room during the sixth inning hoping he'd calm down (yeah right--he wasn't nervous) and have a chance to warm up. My H took a video. He looked in all the cabinets and was most impressed that they left behind a pack of gum for him. Such simple things for 13 yr. olds. If only a pack of gum could make my life that much better.

As if on the gum!
Fiori - when you find yourself bringing OW back into discussion quietly ask yourself what is your motivation and you may get your answer. Your Dday was Oct and mine was August. We're not far apart in R timeframe but we are at different stages of R. It may very well be that the OW is out of the picture for me and not for you (yet) and that is the difference in R.

G

Yes, agreed. If H simply walked away and never returned to the scene of the crime this may be a bit more flowing for me. But, considering he did most of his damage at work and he still goes there, it's tough. And, top it all off with her presence in the same zip code. I simply need for her to NOT be within 6 states. At this point it's not really a lack of trust in him (I think) but rather a lack of trust in her. She really went on an all out campaign even going to my mother in law's house to try to have her help destroy our marriage/family so she could have H. That one fact is soooo incredulous to me. And, I'm not quite getting anger on his part. I think that may have been the last straw for me. No sense rehashing that...I can feel my stomach start to react. Tonight he has to work til 8. This is really hard for me because in my distorted mind it screams date. I know him, he'll call from his desk, not his cell phone and he'll make sure I realize where he is. Sadly, that's not always effective in my wharped brain. So, we'll keep the lines of communication very open and I'll give positive thinking a try. MogiSola said she was going to put a rubber band on her wrist and snap it whenever she has negative thoughts....this may be a possibility.
But, first and foremost for today is getting cleats for my little singer that fit his very quickly growing soccer feet~ :crosseyedcrazy:

I like that wrist band idea - snap it and come back to positive thoughts or reality. I had to buy my son sneakers (16 year old size 11 and 6' tall). They do grow like weeds.
I posted a new thread - I'm having strange week with H. He has become suspicious of me. From what other's here say - it is normal for WS to get fearful. I'm finding that R always brings up new challenges/issues that have to be dealt with. I guess that can be said for relationships too.
I feel like we were doing so well and now I'm back one step on emotional honesty. Time for me to sit with H and have a talk.

G,
I've given some stuff we've chatted about a little thought in the past few days. Yesterday H and I got a chance to talk. NOthing heavy...just that I feel so lonely. His job is a huge drain on our family life and this past week was particularly hard. We were two ships passing in the night. He's made much effort to be with me alone for a few hours at night, but he always falls asleep. He thinks that his presence and the thought should count. Nope...it does not. I've tried to alter the 'fluff & puff' tv shows he says I watch and get interested in men shooting or shipwreck treasures on the History channel.
You suggested that the reason I am struggling with recovery is that I always bring OW into any/all conversations. Yup, this is true.

But, I thought of something else yesterday. I'm concerned that H NEVER thinks she's a consideration. He understands my 'obsession' with her and he totally understands that I feel a tremendous threat by the fact that they still work for the same company. I'm concerned about his lack of entering her into the picture. There must be some common ground. I'm a mess because he originally brought her into our marriage. He wants to remove her and I cannot. Not until he changes jobs or she moves to Tahiti. He's working on the job change but it's really a slow process. I'm not really complaining...just thinking. Is it really so horrible that I include her or is it horrible that he NEVER does? Really, somewhere there must be a middle ground. Ok, this is not really making sense. I simply needed to vent a little.

We had a great day yesterday. We're working on our kitchen and we were able to work together yesterday. But, there is this thing that hangs in the air. A fear of closeness. He seems so guarded and I'm sure I do to him too. I'm not ready yet to totally let him in. Not for any other reason than the fact that she's still at the company and still has access to him at any time. He's absolutely adament that her presence in the same zip code is NOT a factor for him at all. That's odd to me. He wants me to think that because he's decided it is over...that it really is. Are people really that basic? Who knows. I'm not really looking for an answer, and I'm really ok. Just waiting for the day when he changes jobs and we begin moving forward again.