Hi everybody,
Here is my situation. My wife of 6 years finally had our divorce finalized about three month ago. She filed and was right for doing it. In a nutshell, our marriage was great for the first three years. I was happy and she was happy – we both worked hard at getting our needs met. When we had our first child – a daughter – I freaked out. I didn’t want the responsibility of being a father. The first three months I thought I was going to lose my mind. To make a long story short, I left the house and moved in with a guy friend of mine. For the next two years I was in and out of my wife/daughters life. In short, I neglected them and I was wrong for doing it. I always loved my wife, but I couldn’t handle the stress of being a dad at the time. I never wanted children and I guess you can say our daughter was unplanned. She was right for leaving.
About six months before the divorce, she would beg and plea for me to move back in – to be a family. I was stupid, immature, and did not realized what a great family I had till it was taken away.
About two months before we got a divorce – I guess you can say I woke up. I realized that I did love my wife and daughter – that I really did what to be with my family. I asked my wife to take me back and she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I made the mistake and begged, cried, and pleaded with her to take me back. I only drove her further away. I finally stopped doing that and decided that I was going to start loving her – to put her needs first and to not focus on my own needs – but rather her own happiness. Slowly, we started to talk, but she still went through with the divorce. Now we’ve gotten to the point where we talk quite a bit on the phone and do things together. At first she was questioning my change – wondering what my motive was. She would say stuff like “you never did that before.”
After three months of being divorce, I can see that she is slowing starting to confide in me again – that trust is starting to be rebuilt. However, she will jokingly say stuff like “I know what you are doing” or that “there is no way we are getting back together.” That hurts. I feel like we have made a lot of progress, but she keeps asking me if there are any strings attached with me being so nice and attentive to her needs. I tell her that I just want her to be happy and that anything I do I do with no conditions.
I want to be reconciled with my ex-wife so badly. I love her and my daughter so much. I didn’t realize the sacrifices and work that having a family takes – I was a fool for ever leaving. I feel like my ex and I have made so much progress these last three months, and yet I feel that maybe it is hopeless at times – especially when she makes comments like the ones in the paragraph above. I know that I have to keep on loving her – that is not focusing on my emotional needs at the moment – but focusing on what can I do to make sure my ex-wife/daughter are growing and are happy. We’ve gotten to the point where we are calling each other by our pet names and today I had lunch with her and one of her co-workers from work (which was nice, because I never met her close girl friend at work prior to today). Even so, I get so discouraged and it is hard to tell if we have made progress or if she really just sees me as a friend. I want to remarry my ex-wife and I am fighting for our marriage. It is hard not telling her that I love her or how I feel about her – but I know that those emotions have to be put aside until if and when she is ever ready to accept me back into her life.
I guess I am in this forum looking for advice and especially encouragement. About 20% of couples do remarry their ex – so I am hoping that God does a miracle

Thanks
LoveNoMatterWhat

I agree.

You do not sound like a stand-up person to me so I'm not sure what encouragement could be offered to you.

I guess my advice would be...grow up.

Why was it nice to meet her girlfriend? I find it odd that you would divert focus to that matter if your desire is to get back together with your XW.

wow ba109, you are harsh - but I appreciate any feeback. It was nice to meet her girlfriend because that is a sign that she is letting me back into her world - that she feels comfortable around me. When I say she was right for leaving me - that is important because a person has to take responsibility for his actions. That doesn't mean that a person is weak or is not able to stand. On the contrary, recognizing that you need to change and realign your life is a sign of courage. It takes great strength to fight for your marriage - to not give up.

That said - everyone needs encouragement every now and then - to hear someone else say to keep on keeping on - to not give up. I would also like to get a woman's perspective on this - especially regarding my ex-wife's comments. Above all, I what my ex-wife to be happy, even if that means she is happier without me. That said, I feel that my family is worth trying to save and I will give everything I got to fight for my family.

Almost everyone in this forum wants to experience true connection and closeness with another person - to have a marriage that is solid.

Thanks

No it's not. It's an epiphany. It doesn't take courage to be a responsible person but you go right ahead and keep patting yourself on the back.


No it doesn't. It takes responsibility but again, go right ahead and keep patting yourself on the back.

You refer to your daughter as "unplanned". You were married, you had intercourse with your wife. I assume you both knew that intercourse is the primary cause of pregnancy. Was birth control faulty?

Your actions were that of a coward.

cour·age
–noun 1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
Dictionary.com

Your XW is the courageous one. She divorced you. She is of the quality of mind or spirit to make a go of motherhood alone. At first, she pleaded with you to be a stand-up father and husband. Realizing that wasn't going to happen, she knew what she needed to do.

Do you have visitation or co-parenting rights? Does your daughter have some assemblance of a father? Are you responsibly providing child support?

okay, ba109 - I would appreciate it if you don't respond back to any of my threads. I understand where you are coming from, but your responses are that of sarcasm, anger and bitterness. People come to this forum to be built up. I understand that there are some people who need to hear what the reality is. But you would rather destroy instead of build up. So please, do not respond and I hope you are not replying to other ppl like you are to me. People need encouragement, need sound advice, and basically someone to listen to.

That said, I see my daughter almost everyday as her daycare is right next to my work. I also pick up my daughter from work as it is easier for me to do it than my ex-wife. I give my ex-wife about 35% of my paycheck and help her out in other ways too. My daughter and I have gotten real close; that brings me so much joy. My ex and I also talk a lot on the phone. We live in Boston, so we have been taking a lots of walks together lately and doing most of our errands together too (like grocery shopping, getting oil changes, etc) in addition to doing stuff together as a family such as taking our daughter to the park, etc. I really do love my ex-wife and daughter - they make me so happy and it is really tough not having them around.

We've gotten to a place now where she feels comfortable with me giving her small gifts or cards - as long as it is nothing lovely dovely - such as pouring out my heart and telling her how I feel about her. We've also begun to go out to dinner together more. The other day I sent her flowers just because. She was very appreciative and was telling me how her other co-workers where telling her how they wish their husbands would do nice things for them.

So I do feel that we've made progress and that the pieces are slowly beginning to come back together again. I realize that this is going to take work and commitment, as trust takes time to build. But again, women can be confusing at times and it is hard to really tell what they are thinking at times.

Thanks

Hi,
Just want to say it is absolutely possible to remarry your ex wife. You are in a good place for learing about marriage and meeting needs. I don't know how old you are but it sounds as if you are young. Just want you to know a life with children is a lot of responsibility and a lot of sacrifice. Children take a lot of attention away from husband and wife and you need to be able to handle that.

You are right for not seeking your own needs right now and asking for feedback from your ex. It appears you are working your way back to her little by little. It is going to take a long time for her to trust you and let you back into her heart. I just hope you understand what you are getting into and are fully committed to a family lifestyle. Good luck and good for you for realizing what you lost. Better late than never.


P.S. Your parenting responsibilities don't end when the relationship does.

I heard "truth" in ba109's post.

He told you the reality.

You didn't "man up" and you abandoned your family because you didn't want to be a father.

She cried, begged, pleaded and conjoled for months...and it didn't matter to you.

YOUR choice to move out and abandon them resulted in HER being able to stand on her own two feet. YOUR actions helped her to see this.

A person can only cry so much. They go emotionally bankrupt. YOUR actions did this.

She cannot be faulted for that.

There is absolutely nothing that will keep you from abandoning them again...especially when FULL-TIME fatherhood becomes the norm instead of weekend playtime...as far as she is concerned. You are totally unreliable and she cannot be faulted for moving on with her life.

She doesn't want a marriage with you now.

This is a classic example of "be careful what you wish for"...you wished to not be a husband or father and moved out and now she doesn't want you for her husband.

Stop with the expectations. She expected you to be H and father and we see what it got her.

committed

Hi Shattered05,
Thanks for the response. I am relatively young - 29 years old. We had our daughter when we were both 26/25 years old. At the time, I just wanted it to be my wife and I. I was selfish. Now that I am older and more mature - I realize what really matters in life and what doesn't. I will be there for my daughter no matter what (I love her being daddy's little girl). I honestly do want to be family man. I didn't realize it back then, but now I know that all the sacrifice and commitment a marriage/family take are worth it. I also realize that in the end, it is a real possibility that I can devote some much energy in trying to get my ex-wife back and in the end, still not have her. That would be devastating, but that is the risk I have to take and I will be a better person for trying.

Thanks

Hi committedandlovi ,

I never did fault my ex-wife for anything and everything you and ba109 have said is correct. But biography is not destiny; the past does not equal the future. Couples do get remarried to themselves and reconciliation even after divorce does happen. Does it happen overnight - no. Does it take time, patience, commitment, etc - absolutely yes.

It's okay that she doesn't want to be married to me now. That is not the focus right now. The focus is on getting little successes here and there. To slowly build trust again. But most of all, the focus is on how can I create greater joy, greater happiness, greater love for her regardless of what I want.

I already establish the fact that I screwed up, that I abandon the family. The assessment of the damage has already been considered. Now is not the time to say that I deserve it or that she was right, etc. Now is the time to focus on what can be done now to make sure my ex-wife's needs are providing. What type of person do I need to be now to really be there for her and my daughter.

I understand that a lot of people reading what I did will feel anger towards me and feel that I got what I deserved. And they would all be right to feel that way. However, this thread is not about telling someone how bad they screwed up. It is about what is possible. It is about holding on to hope and yes - expectation. People tend to stop dreaming, to stop hoping, all in the name of being "facing reality" or not setting yourself up for disappointment. However, only the person in the situation can truly know when to let go and when to keep trying/believing. Nothing great in life is without a sacrifice. And my family is worth me having an expectation that we can truly be a family again, knetted together in love, built on a foundation of trust.

So no - I will not stop with the expectations. To all the naysayers, I say to you that marriage is worth fighting for. That no matter how bad you messed up, faith, hope and love always remain. That reconciliation is possible - to never give up, never stop loving, never stop focusing on how to create greater happiness and love towards those you love.

I think I just encouraged myself just now.

Expectations are planned disappointments.

If you want that...keep on having "expectations".

committed

Expectations, dreams are the juice of life. It is what gets you up each morning, knowing that today is going be a day of growth, a day of never ending improvement. Disappointments are a part of life, but they are just nothing more than stepping stones. Expectations is what creates inventions, builds new companies, creates unbelievable relationships.

All of us have expectations. Committedandlovi, your expectation is that we shouldn't try because it will not work out in the end. That the past equals the future. That is your paradigm, your way of thinking. My paradigm is this - all things are possible no matter what setbacks you have or what mistakes you make. You can't be big unless you dream big. So I choose to dream big and to thrive towards that dream. So I choose to be a fool that I might be wise - to really give it everything I got. It is that type of commitment (how ironic) that brings marriages together, that restores and creates the type of life we are all ultimately after.

Nope...I don't have any expectation of you. None..whatsoever.

Why would I "expect" anything" from you or of you?

I don't look forward to you behaving in a certain manner.

There is no future good nor profit to me if you do or don't try.

That is what you are getting confused.

Expect "to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of: I expect to read it. I expect him later. She expects that they will come.

That is the meaning of "expect".

It is NOT a given that she will accept you as her husband again.

Stop EXPECTING it to happen.

jmho
committed

It is not a given that she will take me back but if I do not try - it is an absolute given that she will not. I don't know why ppl like you and ba109 are on this forum. You get caught up in the linguistics of things that you fail to see the bigger picture. Rather than cheer and encourage, you would rather be pessimistic. I don't know what failed expectation you had or if you had any, but don't come into this forum with the attitude that all is gone and hopeless. This forum is about hope, about restoration, about lifting a brother or sister up. Its about helping each other get through whatever we are going through. My hope, my expectation for each and every person on this forum is that they would experience the wonderful blessing and connection that marriage can bring. Does that mean it will happen in every case - no. But that is what faith is all about. If you come into this forum with no other expectation other than to be a *edit*, then go to another forum so you can talk about how terrible the world is and how we should all give up, blah blah blah.

Loquacious - to talk excessively
*edit* - a spiteful or contemptible man

Now, to all the optimists out there,to all those hurting and looking for an ounce of hope, I say to you to keep pressing on even through ppl *edit* say otherwise.

My mistake for thinking that you really did WANT to hear truth and reality.

You wanted certain canned responses...you didn't get them...now you want to call me a name.

I am not going to tell you that your expectations are okay when they clearly are NOT.


Next time, place "posters that can tell me ONLY what I want to hear need respond" in the subject line. Then I won't be confused about the kind of "truth" you want to hear.

committed

How do you know the truth? How do you know reality? When you get down to it - there is no reality. Only perception. And it is that perception - how you view the world in spite of circumstances - that makes all the difference. Victor Frankl was in a Nazi Jewish camp. He had lost his family, his friends. It would have been easy for a person like committedandlovi to tell Victor that he is going to die. That it is pointless to have any expectation of happiness. And yet Victor rose above his circumstances. He made up his mind that the Nazi could take everything away from him, but they could not take away his freedom - his ability to decide what something means and how he is going to respond. He had joy in the midst of suffering.

So tell me committedandlovi, since you know the truth and reality, what would you have told Victor? To everyone in this forum, we can paint two pictures - one of hope and a future - or one of despair. What picture are you painting? Who are you to tell someone that their expectation, their ability to dream and hope, is not okay.

Now if you told me, "everything is going to be okay and she will come back to you so don't worry about a thing." That would be misleading.

Now if someone says to me "don't give up. You can won her back, but it is going to take hard work, commitment and dying to self to get her back." That is giving a person a different outlook. That is not pleasing itching ears.

But instead, you would rather tell people that it is over and to not even try. You are a pessimist at heart. Even though my ex and I have made progress, you would rather take those successes and squash them.

*edit*

I am going to type really slow so that you can understand...


I said do not EXPECT it to happen.


committed

I am not pessimistic.

I am being honest with you.

Now, you, on the other hand...best watch your name-calling or we shall just see who gets scolded and edited.

commited

The main reason most people come to this and other trouble marriage forums is to seek help for their situations. More often then not at first and may times after they are going to receive a hefty 2X4 up side their head for comments that they post. These harsh words (2X4's) from the memberrs here (who mostly have alrady made the same mistakes you are)are not to make you feel bad, but to help you see your error. Do let the harshness of what may be said to you as personal attackes, yet see them for what they really are and that is very honest helpful advice.

On another note. Like you have already heard, do not and I mean do not have expectation. Do not expect things to go how you want. If all you do is focus on your own expectation that you have for you and your ex, then all you are going to experience is pain and suffering. Right now your EX's expectation are so far from being the same as yours. How can you expect any of your expectation to be met, when her's differ so greatly from yours? Have expectation in our current situation, only set us up for failure, pain and suffering.

Your XW had expectations. She expected that you would be a stand-up husband and father. Instead her expectations were trashed as you abandoned them at a time when they needed you most.

Now you want to mosey back into their lives with zero guarantee that you will not up and ditch them again. Your inspiration and motivation is a bit late. Fool her once, shame on you. Fool her twice, shame on her.

If your XW were posting, I would offer HER encouragement. She needs it. She is a single mother. Your claim that you are strong and courageous makes me gag.

Your XW had expectations and she was met with major, life altering disappointment. Oh yeah...disappointments are a part of life. She should just get over it.

Okay, enough of the sound advice...this person wants a cheer! Hey, I am now formally suggesting that we add a cheerleader emoticon on this site!

Give me an "F"....F
Give me an "O"....O
Give me a "G".....G

"What's it spell???".....duh.