I have always been a Christian, well since my teenage years. Always prayed, considered to be a very moral person, although sin as we all do, try on a daily basis to do the right thing. I raise my kids in church. My WH was raised like me. We have been in church our entire marriage. I've always prayed through the "storms" of other people, encouraging them. Yet when my huge storm came, my faith went out the window.

The things I have done and said are not that of a Christian person. My anger was stronger than my faith. I KNOW that bad things happen to good people all the time. I KNOW that if we make it, my marriage will be a strong one. Yet, I will not surrender and forgive, give it to the Lord - rather I have several times but always "Pick it back up" and start the fight all over. I have not been a good example of what a Christian should be.

I even went to the OW, cussed her out, called her every name in the book. I wanted to strike her again and again. I wanted to hurt her physically but did not want to go to jail. But it was hard to control I won't lie.

I want to be able to help others in all of our situation someday. I do want something good to come from all my pain and anger.

I can relate.

I've had all the same emotions and feelings that you've described. I still have alot of hurt, anger and hostility toward the situation.

I was brought up in a christian home but until recently I would not have considered myself a practicing christian.

Romans 5:3-5 helped me. It was explained to me this way...

God lets suffering come into our lives in order to draw us closer to him. It's the trials of life that make us better people.

You're human. The ability to get angry is as much a gift as any of our other emotions. Your anger also stems from your love. Love is an intense positive emotion. Someone you love dearly and trusted has betrayed you.

Your dark thoughts are also normal.

Anger is not un-Christian. Remember that Jesus himself got angry and went ballistic when he saw what people were doing in his temple.

Have you ever heard of Divorce Care? It's a very good Christian Based divorce recovery program which helps deal with issues like you mentioned.

There's interviews with people who have been betrayed and cheated on and left and they too felt what you feel and have felt. It's natural.

The faith has not abandoned you and there is no requirement to constantly behave like a Christian in order to be one.

Remember that Christ forgave adulterers, tax collectors, thieves, and prostitutes. I don't believe that the understandable anger that a BS feels after being left and cheated on is high on His list of unforgivable offenses.

Of course you had dark thoughts. But you didn't act on them.

Praying for peace in your heart and for His help in controlling your thoughts can help. It's helped me when I have found myself going down that path. I've had some terrible thoughts and feelings interrupted by simply closing my eyes and asking God to please help me feel peace and to find forgiveness.

I wouldn't spend one second worrying about your behavior post d-day. If you didn't commit any felonies, you're fine.

Being angry about cheating is certainly less un-Christian than doing the cheating.