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Has any WS left their OP right after the BS discovers the A?

I ask because I have access to computers and cell/text records and I see nothing to indicate WW is still in contact with OM. The last contact I can document is one day after d-day. I know sometimes after the A is discovered, the WS will be really careful. My EP's are in place and I see nothing to indicate contact since then (2+ months ago). More technologically advanced EP's are on the way but for now I can only review what I have.

This being said, has any WS out there realized that "I really messed up", told the OP to get lost and truely not made contact with them again?


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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When I finally left OM yes I did just that. The last time I saw him was when DH and I were packing up a UHAUL with all my stuff. I never looked back at it.

Now did I have withdrawl... I did for a time.

Did I make attempt to contact OM after I left? No. Only once with DH right next to me to tell him what I was going to do with my pregnancy. Other then that I didnt make attempts to contact him. I did bump into his sister while she was driving once. Didnt have much to say. I saw OM while driving once and was told that I looked like I saw a ghost. OM did contact me but I called DH right away and locked up the house closed all blinds because he freaked me out. I havent seen nor heard from him since then.


Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
FWW 30's
FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

My story
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I confessed my a to my bh two weeks after it happened. When I confessed to my husband i had already initiated NC and have not spoken to om since then. He has contact with some of my friends and they informed him that if he attempts to contact me or come to my house I will call the police immediatly. My bh is in Iraq and i am here with my two boys by myself. I will call the police first and ask questions later. I regret ever meeting om every moment of every day and know that i am very lucky because bh loves me very much. We both realize that there are issues in our marriage and we are working through them. We are determined to make our marriage stronger in spite of what has happened.

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I entered no contact almost immediately and never looked back. I worked at my job for a couple of weeks until I could leave, but didn't talk to him in those weeks. When I left, I never saw him again.


Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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So far, it seems that the WW's can do so...how 'bout the WH's?

I'm very curious about that one.

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Cold Turkey is good.

My wife left me on d-day and came back home after 2 weeks. SHe went cold Turkey.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I guess it is good news that it can happen (cold turkey). I have had a rough two days where my mind has been playing with me. "What if I am missing something", "Are they still talking", "Why won't she totally come back emotionally, just look at me, I am changed" etc etc...

We have gone from the WW being totally disconnected (HATED me) to holding/cuddling. She was totally in withdrawal and I was teetering, most of the time in conflict and occasionally hitting withdrawal. Through PLAN A, I have pulled her out of withdrawal and into conflict. Now we need that move back to intamacy.

My mind will play with me. I keep wondering if this is a false R because she is still in contact somehow and I am missing it. MC says it is the demons poking at me, making me assume the worst.


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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My H went cold turkey, too. Spoke to her on D-Day and the day after threw her sorry a$$ under the bus so fast it wasnt even funny.

She attempted to contact him many times and each time, he couldnt tell me fast enough.

I understand your reservations about this, however. It was hard for me to read the emails between them about their "love" written the day before he kicked her to the curb. It made me question what kind of person I was married to - that could profess to have these 'feelings" for someone and then ditch them so quickly without even looking back. Its given me great pause over the years, wondering how someone could do that. My H explains it as "going through the motions" - he was telling her what he knew she wanted to hear to just keep peace and not rock the boat but he didnt actually eel those things.

Makes me wonder if he doesnt do the same to me ...

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 Quote:
This being said, has any WS out there realized that "I really messed up", told the OP to get lost and truely not made contact with them again?


Yes .
Immediately after D day my H did give up OP cold turkey. except for the get lost part. It was a phone call to say goodbye , I dont think "get lost" was part of the conversation.

I am not sure he or I knew at that point where the future would lead us or him but he did give up all contcat and has not looked back. I think the total NC helped accelarate our conversations and decisions about what WE wanted. I refused to discuss or evaluate while I had a sword of OP hanging over our relationship. We agreed to 3 months of evalautions and I belived that at the time my H assumed that the NC he establised could expire at 3 mths (this is my feeling he has never verbalised that) assuming we split up.

Like you I too question it everday and I think thats normal,and until we build up our trust back I will need convincing. For now I outright ask him when I feel unsure and need reassuring. I also tell myself that of he re-establishes contact then I will not be seeing that as a failure of me but rather a clear sign that he has not learned (nor willing to lean) the lessons that we should have learned about Marriage building.

What helps me more is instead of talking about contcat with op or new OP , when I feel unsecure I focus of discussing whether or not we both have learned what "facilitaed" the A to begin with. I need to know that HE (and I) has safeguards in place to protect our relationship, without me needing to "manage" that.
 Quote:
More technologically advanced EP's are on the way but for now I can only review what I have.
I think there is no better protection than honest conversation with your spouse about the current status of your relationship. I know WS lie and so the "checking" is needed, but it is a good place to be in when you can allow yourself to accpet that your relationship is moving forward with out the constant need to "check". I hope you can get there soon \:\)


FBW(me)- 45
FWH- 53
D-day 4/29/08
Moving forward pursuing happiness & a loving Marriage with DH.
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Crushed,
My H went cold turkey and initiated NC. I was not at this site at the time of Dday and didn't know about NC rule.

It is normal for BS to feel like you do. Here it is a year later but I still check my H cell phone. I honestly don't think he's contacting OW but I feel better checking. It takes as long as it takes for a BS to feel somewhat secure in R.

G


me - 47
H - 46
DS 16 - DD 13
H EA August 2007
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." Cherie Carter
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Our actual d-day was in October. Because of work situations and guilt on H's part any real NC did not occur until approx. February. But, once the decision was made -- he seemed to not look back. I find that a bit peculiar considering he took such a calculated risk with our entire family simply to feed his own ego. I question him from time to time about contact, as they still work for the same company but are in different locations. So, I worry on a daily basis. Right now, for instance, I'm worried. He's in trasition and looking for new employment -- thank God.

But, to get to the question -- it seems viable. Also, to me, seems a little cold. But, he washed his hands, admitted mistakes, apologized profusely and walks forward. I'm not quite there yet...but that day will come. I believe it's harder for the bs.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Crushed:

Can a WS leave and OP Cold Turkey?

Yes.

I did.

And to pick up a piece of this thread that has been developing about going "cold turkey" and all the "feelings"

Yes. About three weeks after D-day, I was downright P!SSED at OW. All her talk about how much she LOOOVVEDD me and how great we could be together in the future.

And she tried three times to get in contact with me, Flamingo was in the loop all three times, and the last time, Flamingo told OW that if she tried again, Flamingo was going to visit her 18 year old son in his local retail job and in no uncertain terms describe to him how his mother serviced LG on the floor of his office. In explict detail.

That ended her attempts.

My anger came later. Because HER fear of discovery was greater than her "love" for me.

Flamingo is REALLY Amazing.

So, yes, contact can end on Dday. Continuing contact, cake-eating and secret communications after D-day is curb-kicking time.

LG

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Mine quit cold turkey, too.

Of course, it's easy when the OP means nothing to the WS.

It feels really great to play 2nd fiddle to a f_ckbuddy, by the way.


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My W ended her affair and went into no contact immediately after I discovered her 1 1/2 year EA/PA. Despite confessing that night that she loved the OM, she knew it was a fantasy and went cold turkey. I was not aware any withdrawal on her part which was a very, very good thing.

Regards

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I guess this is refreshing. Being that I caught the A 3 - 6 weeks into it, maybe the emotional connection was not that deep.

I just wish I could get past my mind playing games .


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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My H walked away and hasn't looked back. After they were found out, there was about 15 mins spread across 4 days that OW called to try and find out what I had told her husband and freak out. He knew she was a piece of crap just as he thought he was a piece of crap for their affair.

OW called again several weeks later to chew out my H for lying to her, blah, blah. LOL she was bitter, bitter and bitter for him dumping her without a second thought instead of me. He let her vent and then hung up. H had felt bad about the way he had treated her but then thought she was such a hypocrite for blaming him for what she choose to do that any empathy he had for her went poof.

The thoughts of contact creep in my head from time to time but he has nothing but disgust for OW and is making great effort to do all he can to reassure me. H had zero withdrawl and only thinks of OW as the biggest mistake of his life.

Last edited by black_raven; 09/02/08 12:41 PM.

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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My Wh THOUGHT he could, but turns out he couldn't. He's been gone 1 year now....


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Jim,
I believe that what goes on in your mind is most likely way more than what actually went on. My H had an Ea with a co-worker. I have them imagined to be all over town whooping it up. Well, he says that is not the case and is often amused at the extent that I can go with such little information. Trust me, until someone invents a brain vacuum, you have to do alot of work to get the images out.

It was once suggested to me to put a rubber band around my wrist. Snap it hard whenever your mind begins to wander to places that are detrimental to your well being.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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 Originally Posted By: fiori
I believe that what goes on in your mind is most likely way more than what actually went on...


MC said that if you know a fact or two your mind will fill in the unknowns with the worst senarios. He calls them the "demons". I understand that and try to keep them out of my head.

I'd rather put the rubber band on HER wrist and snap it every time my mind wanders..... she caused it!


Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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My H left his OW, and never looked back. He called her right after d-day, at my request, and told her that he would never see her again.

(Of course, I had already prepped the OW when I called her and told her that I would, ummmmm "cause her harm" or something to that effect already. Not exactly those words, mind you! )

There has been no contact since that point in time between the two of them, with the exception of one business contact which had to be concluded due to a legal agreement. I knew of that, and it was done under supervision of OW's H. All went well.

No emails, no phone calls, no texts, nothing.

He does not miss her, there was no withdrawal.


Cold turkey, yes.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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