So, she picked the easiest way to deal with it.


This is what you are seeing.....

"1) separation, if she feels that there is ANY hope of rebuilding our marriage. "




This is what she is seeing.....

"I don't have to admit to adultery...don't have to face the consequences of my actions...I can still see OM without giving up my husband...I can still cake-eat...I get to see both OM and my husband at my leisure to fill ALL of my needs from two different people...and, I don't have to admit to anything"



You have basically given her permission to do whatever she wants without taking any responsibility by offering up door #1. Of course that is the one she is going to select. It's the easiest one for her and the hardest one for you. Door #1 is a door that you should be placing under lock and key...it does you NO good at this point.

This is where you screwed up.

Don't GIVE HER OPTIONS.

Giving her options GIVES HER ALL THE CONTROL!

Take back control of your LIFE!

You can only change YOU.

So, YOU tell HER what YOU are going to do from here on out-- based on her CURRENT actions.

And based on her CURRENT actions, I'd GO PLAN B.

She doesn't get options. You determine YOUR LIFE.

She's a cake-eater, and she's NOT going to pick you or your M UNLESS YOU MAKE HER CHOOSE.

And by "giving her options" you aren't making her choose... you are still waffling around, waiting for her. And she KNOWS it. What happens if she doesn't pick? (because she hasn't and nothing has happened...). Nothing? Well, there's incentive to pick :RollieEyes:

So, give her incentive to choose.

Tell her to F off until she decides what she wants.

And go dark and WORK ON YOU!

E.

I'm not talking to her BF to spill my heart. She is in the same boat as me, her husband left her about 10 months ago and they were married the month before us. My WW hasn't talked to her for the last 2 months while she was out of town and the BF doesn't know if she can be friends with WW with her actions and hasn't spoken to her since returning a week ago.
Technically... BF doesn't know that WW has moved out, had an A or that WW has now gone to see a lawyer. She only knows this info from me. My intentions are NOT that this BF would go to WW and tell her anything. She is helping me cope with this because she just went though it herself and wants to support me.

So you say she's gone.... I hate that so much!!! I love her. I guess it truly is time for Plan B letter. Nothing more I can do....:( I wish there was. I so badly want to keep trying.

Hang on, didn't you expose her quite a while back?
How is it that word is just now starting to get around?

The comment I quoted above, plus another one in which you said you emailed her once in the last month or month and a half surely make it look like you're thinking about maybe getting ready to half heartedly Plan A her.

Lots of talk but no action.

AWH, as far as I can tell the extent of your Plan A has been:
Buy a bedspread
Send a picture of the cats
Talk about exercising
Clean up the basement (does she know you did this?)
Start yardwork (does she know you did this)?

That's not much of a Plan A, and there's a chance she's unaware of much of it. Of course, we only know what you mention here so there's probably more to it than that.

Still, I think your only options now are Plan B or divorce. You've waffled at Plan A and allowed her to cake eat for a LONG time now.

And yes if you do Plan B you need a mediator. Otherwise how do you get the "I saw a lawyer" info? She won't be talking to you directly.

Very good points E! I have been waffling! I hate myself for doing that. Plan B letter will get drawn up tonight and tomorrow, I have some time. I'll post and get everyones review...

Good.

And don't hate yourself. Its a trap that a lot of BS's fall into, my H included. But it is counterproductive.

So what are you doing FOR YOU?

E.

Turtlehead, I did expose to friends and family. These people are finally bringing it out into the open to other friends of both OM and WW. Some of them have shown that they are upset with the actions of both parties. They are starting to ask OM and WW what is going on. Kind of a delayed fall out?


Let me clarify my actions over the last month and a bit since D-day. Every week I've emailed her something lighthearted as you have suggested. Some of the fun stuff I've been up to on the weekends, the cat pics (with bedspread), working out, appreciation for the b-day gift, cleaning of the basement, went for annual check up (WW bugged me for years to do this). Still need to send her one of how the bathroom renos are going and that I just got the car on the road (which was supposed to be for her). Didn't mention the yardwork yet either.
I called her once since D-day(mid-Aug). I was polite, calm, didn't whine, cry, or plead. Tried to make small talk. She told me a little about school, a test coming up) Appologized for pushing her in the past conversations for answers and getting so emotional. I said I won't do that again and that I'm confused and would like both of us to be open and honest with everything. Asked her if she would like to go for coffee or a walk in the park (did didn't respond yes or no)



Plan B it is...:(

Ok, thanks so much everyone for sticking by me! I know I've been a pain in the a$$ to deal with becuase I haven't been really sticking to a strong plan. Can I ask you to put down in a post a step by step plan that I can print off and refer to day to day?

This is for myself, I know. It has been said that my wife may be too fargone. But for your information becuase none of your are here, others around me have said it seems like "something" has happened...seems like contact with OM may be breaking down, nno one knows for sure but now that these other friends of OM will be approaching him and WW has a few close friends that don't agree with her actions I think the pressure/guilt might be building up....Again, nothing is for sure.

Someone had mentioned awhile back that a WS will give BS one opportunity as they look back and question themselves on their actions. Could this be the timing coming up? Should I keep myself open to this. Sorry, can't remember who said this.

You said

NOW is the perfect time for plan B. If there is even the slightest crack in their relationship plan b will be felt. It is for you, because it will remove you from contact with her, which you need right now, especially if their affair is cracking, but it might also serve as a bit of a wake up call.

She is not married to a man she can just run over or run to. She is married to a man who is starting to chart his own course in life and it is without her.

Get the letter ready today, let folks here look at it, and send it...TODAY.

God Bless,
JL

Just Learning, I will try my hardest to get that letter written ASAP. How should I send it? Deliver in person to her work near an end of her shift? Send it by courier?

Can you explain how Plan B will be felt by WW IF there is a crack in the A?

Easy. She has been using the OM AND you to meet her ENs up until now. If there's a crack in the relationship, she's gonna want to run to you to "pick up the slack" in the way of EN's that now OM isn't meeting anymore. If she can't... well then she's gonna hurt EVEN MORE. If you appease her and pick up the slack for OM, you run the risk of picking up that slack just long enough for her to start back up the A and go back to cake-eating between the two of you. So, let her feel the wrath of her own decisions.

And in terms of the letter, I'd meet her after work some day, or something like that-- sometime when you know you can catch her alone, hand her the letter, and walk away. I think that visual of you walking away from her after you hand her the letter is important.... but that's JMHO. Don't say anything... just hand and walk away.

That's step one of your plan B, btw. Step two is to CONTINUE doing everything you said you were doing for "plan A" above, just not telling her about it. And continue working on YOU. I don't know enough about you to know what you like to do... join a club, find a recreational sport to play... go out with your buddies (but DO NOT-- DO NOT-- DO NOT--- start looking for women... GUY BUDDIES ONLY, and no "womanizing". None. You are far too vulnerable and this is the #1 enemy to your plan B.) Find stuff. Take a class. What do YOU like to do? Go do it. Keep busy. Volunteer. That's your plan B. And STAY AWAY FROM HER... NC until she ends the A. Plan B is really very simple. Its all about YOU!

E.

AWO,

So here we are, 26 pages of your thread and still in every post you waffle. When are you really going to do something?

Just man up and send the plan b letter!

Good God, I wish I had the help you have today when my d-day arrived!

Okie dokie - thanks for taking the time to post that. I had a very different image in my head.

Let's see that Plan B draft.
I think the timing is good for her (crack in the affair) AND for you - because I think you're feeling like giving up. Time to isolate yourself from the pain, my friend.

Plan B is going to be VERY HARD for you.
You have to be TOTALLY dark.
You HAVE to stick to the plan.

Can you do it?

Turtlehead, you say the timing is good for her. Can you explain a bit more. Is it because she will be alone IF the A does completely fall apart.
I'm scared to do it(plan B) for the fact that I may NEVER speak to my W again!!! Unlike most A I've read about where they happen while the WS is still at home,she decided to move out supposedly before the PA started, though I do know the EA started months before and hasn't looked back since I confronted her.I read about this Walk Away Wife Syndrome and I see nothing about someone like this ever returning. I feel NO love from my WW and she seems like she just doesn't she gives a S**T about me!
Yet I do feel that my LB is VERY LOW!!! I can't explain it but I'm upset but only 10-20% of what I was even a week or so after d-day. I'm around my friends and family but wish that I was sharing these times with WW. I don't feel so bothered or so hurt. I almost feel like if she came back today I'd greet her with a smile and a hug and say it will all be ok, I'm your "lighthouse"!!!!I don't want to see Oct roll around and have our anniversay alone.

Alone, you believe in Tough Love, don't you? This is the same thing. They both work because they're based on psychology and human nature. As long as she knows you're sitting around pining for her, she has NO REASON to stop doing what she's doing. This is Tough Love. The only way you have left to you to ever have a chance at getting her back is to Plan B. It works, you know it does. Have faith in this fabulous system that has worked for so many people before you, designed by experts. You're getting NOTHING now, by doing what YOU want to do, so why not trust the experts and do what they say?

Thanks Catperson for explaining...
Made an appointment to talk to Harleys(phone) hopefully Mon or Tues. Like you have all said I NEED A PLAN!!!! I've started my Plan B letter and hopefully can have it written by end of tonight. Will post.

I just want to voice this...I feel so down in hopes right now....I have not seen my wife since July 16th....

I say the timing is good because obviously right now OM is not doing a stellar job of meeting her ENs. The affair is under stress. If you go to Plan B then her safety net will be yanked out from under her and that will add even more stress to the affair relationship.

Unlike most A I've read about where they happen while the WS is still at home,she decided to move out supposedly before the PA started, ...
I call bull doodie on that. I'd bet good money it was physical before she moved out. Your situation is not special or unique. There's not a magic "exception clause" no matter how badly you wish there were.

I'm scared to do it(plan B) for the fact that I may NEVER speak to my W again!!! ...I read about this Walk Away Wife Syndrome and I see nothing about someone like this ever returning.
By your own words you're already in a situation where you may NEVER speak to her again. So you're fearing what already is. You have nothing to lose if you can execute a totally dark Plan B.

I think this M is very salvageable IF you can do a dark Plan B.

A strong Plan B will hasten the demise of the affair, because OM will have to meet all her ENs and quite simply he's not up to the task. She'll become irritable and she'll take it out on him, giving him even less incentive to meet her ENs. Furthermore, Plan B will protect you from the pain of being ignored by your WW and thus will preserve what little love you have left for her.

I don't think you're capable of Plan B, though, and I think that will be your undoing. I don't think you can go dark. I think your WW will continue to perceive you as an indecisive person unwilling or unable to stand up for what he values. You will continue to be a ready safety net, but no more, and when she finds someone who can meet her ENs AND who is willing to fight for her, you'll lose her completely.

I'd love to be proven wrong.

Turtlehead, should I do some snooping and make sure the A is still going on before I give her the letter? I guess it wouldn't make too much of a difference anyways?

I have drawn up my plan B letter and will post it. Just have to find a bit of time to write it all on here. I'm awaiting one session with the Harleys just to make sure I've got my plan.

You say that a strong plan B will hasten the demise of the affair because all of her ENs will need to be met by OM, I don't see any ENs that I'm meeting for her at all. Am I missing something? Here's my thoughts....

There is no financial support from me, if anything, I asked her to pay 1/2 of the house appraisal(she did), I've asked her about paying a portion of the property taxes(still no response).

She hasn't seen me for 1.5 months!!! I was sending those emails that you and I had discussed some time ago. So I guess that would count for meeting a bit of her Affirmation, Conversation ENs. Talked to her once 2 weeks ago, asked her for coffee/ walk in park,no answer from her.


I do agree that I could still be seen as a safety net for her and I need to pull that.

I'm just trying to understand that once I found out and confronted her on the PA that SHE was the one that went dark in a way not allowing me chances to meet her ENs. When the exposure came through there was no fall out. She didn't yell at me over the phone, or threaten me in an email!!!

Sorry. Back to the Plan...

You say that a strong plan B will hasten the demise of the affair because all of her ENs will need to be met by OM, I don't see any ENs that I'm meeting for her at all. Am I missing something?

Well here's my take on it, and I could be wrong - but this is how I see it.

Have you got an old "best friend" from your childhood or high school that you haven't spoken to in a few years? How would you feel if you learned they had died?

They're not filling any of your ENs at all, because you haven't even spoken in years. You may not think of them much. If they're suddenly GONE, though, you'll find yourself thinking about them quite a bit, and missing them. That's just human nature.

Don't forget though that the purpose of Plan B is NOT to "wake up" a wayward spouse. It's to protect you from the pain of the A and to conserve the love you have for your WS.

I don't see any point in snooping to find out if she's still in the A. You know she is.

Thanks Turtlehead, I now understand where your coming from. Makes sense. Still waiting to have my appointment with the Harleys. I'll be posting up my Plan B letter tonight, no more putting it on hold. Please take a look!