This is my very 1st time on a forum ever so forgive me in advance if I have posted in the wrong category. Please, Please, Please offer advice if your are able. He's moved in with her and I just need some advice.

Found out my husband of almost 19 years had an affair on April 23rd, 2008 about 4 months ago. I have been with him since we were in the 8th grade. I am filled with sorrow. He is no longer recognizable as crazy as that sounds. Even his natural reasoning is gone. During a mothers day dinner he wanted me to agree to him living in another residence for 3 days a week saying it was normal and that I'm crazy and black and white. He has blamed it all on me. I am at a loss for words. I never wanted to do anything but be a good wife. After his revealing he was home for 2 weeks. He was very angry and I suspected sometime during the 2 weeks he went back to her. I asked him if he did and he kept saying no. I had hired someone to take pictures to prove it and sent it to him email. He then confessed he went back to her. He has been out of the home for almost 3 months and moved in with the OW on August 1st. I don't ask for much advice from friends or family as most of them have no idea as they have not experienced it. I am trying to educate myself as much as possible I have read Dr. Dobson's Love must be tough and implemented what sound like Plan b. And also read Divorce busters and implemented the last resort which also sounds like plan B. I do not have contact unless absolutely necessary. But now that he has moved in with her I feel insane for even considering reconciliation. I ask him how do we file or divorce or what to do at this point and he says he's not thinking about it right now. What?? So confusing. I almost could handle the affair if he'd stop lashing out at me via email. Please give me advise on what to do when spouse moves in with OW.

First, for you - - you need it.

Second, read everything on here about Surviving an Affair (order the book, but in the meantime read all the articles available on this site). Your WH's behavior is very typical. Waywards lie, deceive, get angry and do whatever is necessary to fuel their affair. The behave like a drug addict looking for their next fix. And they rewrite history in order to justify their horrifying actions.

Finally, give us some more information (years married, # of kids etc.). What have you done/been doing so far? Do you know about Plan A and B? Where are you in the scheme of things? Have you exposed the affair?

Trying, have you exposed this affair?

What was the state of your marriage before his affair started?

Do you have children? Is he paying the bills?

WHO IS this OW? How old, what does she do, etc?

Thanks so much for taking the time. The affair was exposed on 4/23/08. I'm not sure about plan A or B. I have read a few books that i mentioned that sound like it may be. I have very little contact with him as he will not end the affair. We have been married 18 years. 2 children. Daughter 17 and a son 9. I will be going today to get the book. So far I am just limiting the contact as he has not ended affair and moved in with her. I'm not sure what to do. The limiting contact really was to diffuse the emotions and save me really as he lashes out and doesn't understand why kids are upset. In the scheme of things trying to educate myself on affair and honestly to get through each day. I didn't have much emotions the first to months. Shock i think. But the last 2 months have been hard. Now that he's moved in with OW I don't know what to do. Still miss and love my husband but it's getting harder with the lashing out and them living together.

Also, can you describe, in detail, your LAST INTERACTION with him? What was said, what was the tone? What about the other interactions after he left? How would you describe them?

The affair was exposed. He came home from work and told me and the children. My children are 17 and 9. I thought the state of the marriage was great. This blind sided all of us. My soon to be 18 year old daughter said "Mom, I felt guilty at times. We had a perfect life, you and daddy loved each other, we all got along." I thought things were good but I guess not. The affair started at work. She answered the office calls. The OW is about my age, she has been married before and divorced, she has 3 children and her 14 years old she had to ship off as she cant handle her she keeps getting incarcerated. Not a good mom i think. Did I mention she was engaged? My spouse mentioned to a mutual friend some things about her and he says she's not good news-he explained her as a bar whore. She is a complete opposite of me. I have been a stay at home mom, soccer mom, baseball mom etc for our entire marriage. He told me that they had been talking on the phone for a year but did not have sex until Feb. She left the company 2 months before I found out. Is that an emotional affair? He is putting money in the bank not enough as now we live in 2 locations.

trying, to whom was it exposed, by WHOM and what was said? Have your children been told?

Interactions are bad. He's so angry. He had some anger issues her and there over the marriage, never anything abusive physical, maybe throwing a chair or something or punching a wall. Thought it was just a testosterone guy thing.
The interactions are just bad. The kids didn't want to see him for a few weeks after he told us. He thought I told them to stop the contact which I did not. After 3 weeks, the kids decided to visit again, so allowed him to visit here at the house as he is drinking now a lot. Spouse told me he had to drink to kill the guilt and the more he drank the more he wanted her. I made myself unavailable during the visit staying to my room. He mostly made fun of me in front of the kids. Kids didn't seem to enjoy the visits. They stopped talking to him for another month and now have resumed talking. Spoke to him 3 weeks ago on the phone, he said he thought about the 3 of us and misses us. But he lives with her. He asked how I was doing and I began to cry and said lets just talk about the kids. He just is plain angry. During one of our 1st conversations after he moved our of our home he said your probably not going to wait forever are you? Then he says are you just going to forget me? If you want me back so bad why aren't you begging? I told Him I asked you to come home the 1st time and you did for 2 weeks and told me how you were only here for guilt and you made a mistake marrying me. He visited the kids on July 4th here at the house. He noticed I took down wedding pictures and most of his pictures and he got angry and told friends so what are they going to just forget about me? THe kids do have alot of pictures of dad in their rooms. I just took down ones in living and family rooms as it was constant reminder.

My husband exposed it to all of us. He came home from work we all sat in living room and he told all of us. My children jumped on my lap and sobbed. My 17 year old said how could you do this to my mom she is so good to you. He said nothing. Packed his bags and left. He did return 3 days later broke it off with her and apologized. We thought all would be ok-not so. The anger kicked up 3 days later and was pushing us all away. I asked him if he went back to her he said no. I hired someone to follow and get pictures as I was feeling like I was crazy. I confronted him and emailed him the proof and also to OW fiance. He also said I have only been with you my whole life and I have always wondered and couldn't take it anymore. He later took back the statement and said I only said that to you so I wouldn't hurt you??? HUH??

Have you exposed to anyone else? Is the OW married? Have you contacted her husband? What about your parents and inlaws? Any friends, coworkers? Anybody that would have any influence at all (plus OW's H as it is his right to know as well).

There is an excellent article by Dr. Frank Pittman (someone please correct me if I've got it or spelt it wrong). It is on Pepperband's notable posts thread and you can also find it with a google search (I have to leave in a minute or I'd find it for you). It describes how affairs start plus all the different type of cheaters and affairs. I found it useful in interpreting my WstbxH's behavior in those days.

Also, please read all the Surviving an Affair and related articles on this site. Order the book, but read everything while you wait for it. It is so useful.

Yes I was luck enough to have the OW fiance's information given to me and so I emailed him the pictures of the 2 of them. His boss knows and some of his co-workers. Close friends and family know. Please chime in again as it seems like you have alot of knowledge, I will be getting the book today. Anything you can think of is a great help. I have responded to other responses so you have more information about me.

Welcome to MB, Trying2Live,

I am so very sorry you find yourself here. I have to be honest, I was having the hardest time reading your posts because the pain of what you are feeling is so recognizable not to just me but many others on here.

You have come to the most amazing place, where people truly care about you and will help you formalize a plan and help you walk through this. I don't know if you have a walk with G-d, but if you do, start talking, keep talking and don't let up.

This is one of the most horrendous things that could ever happen. You will and probably are experiencing some of the deepest pain imaginable and think you are all alone. But you aren't. We all on here understand and have sadly walked through it when we didn't think we could. I haven't read through your posts entirely so I hestitate to offer any advice.

I'm the touchy feely person on here. I understand the pain and would take it away from you if I could, but sadly we all have to find our way through this and learn to survive.

You have some great people helping you and I hope you begin to understand that even though these are the worst set of circumstances, you are in the best possible place to recover what ever you want to recover.

Q

I wanted to add, but am also not sure if others have explained something very basic...

Your H is in an active addiction to this affair. Anything you say, do and want which prevents him from that next fix will cause you great pain. By that I mean, the man you married no longer exists today, he is replaced by a selfish, self-seeking person who cares about no one but that next fix.

I am an addict/alcholic and I understand this destruction and pain. He doesn't care if you hurt, he doesn't care if his path of destruction causes pain on those he once held dear.

Over and over again I had to tell myself this because the man I married was completely taken hostage by someone I didn't recognize. The outside was the same, but the man inside. DEAD... And I learned very early on who I was talking to, the WH or the H. I learned the plans, listened to the advice given me, mapped out the changes that I had always wanted to make and strategized a fabulous Plan A, eventually followed by Plan B.

My story is one of the hardest around here, WH continues to live with OW and I have been in Plan B since March 17th. I will be married to him 25 years come January 1st. He has nothing to do with our family and pretty much has destroye all relationships with his children, but he is the victim in all this.

When I got here, I was destroyed as a human being. I can't even begin to tell you the emotional, spiritual and mental breakdown I suffered as a result of this, but I am recovering and learning new ways to live.

I want my H to come home, it doesn't look good at all, but I continue to stand for my M, pray to G-d and walk in faith that one day I will recover and be whole.

You mention you are sort of in Plan B. Did you do a Plan A? If not, there are those here that have managed a Plan A while the WH was living with OW. But depending on your state of mind, you may be ready for Plan B. Plan B is to protect yourself and it isn't done in any "sort of" fashion. You write a letter stating your wish to recover the marriage but only under certain conditions (and list the conditions). Until the conditions are met, you do not contact the WS at all and they are not to contact you. Use an intermediary for child visitation and information exchanges.

FWIW, I did not recover my M. I started a very pathetic Plan A and gave up early as I found out lots of terrible stuff my WstbxH had been doing over the past couple of years and perhaps longer. Essentially, my lovebank had an irreparable crack down to the foundation. However, I continued to apply MB principles - I went into a modified Plan B to protect myself from him. I gave him no conditions for marital recover as there were none, but I stopped all unnecessary contact. It has done wonders for my personal recovery.

So the best advise I can give is that regardless of whether you want to recover your M or not, these plans work. The pain you are feeling is so great it's so hard to think and make decisions. MB offers a pathway to follow so that you don't have to. And it works.

That would be me and I did a very fun Plan A. I certainly didn't start off that way nor realize it at the time, but I pulled of some very fun and cool stuff.

There are lots of people on here who can help you in whatever you decide to do, just know you aren't crazy and understand that this will be hard no matter what you end up doing or how you move forward.

Thanks so much. I will be reading and as soon as I get to the plans I will come again. Sounds like your personal recovery is underway and I am very happy for you. I'm so glad I decided to post here. I was really nervous but now if feels great to talk with people who know what your going through.

Sorry to hear it causes you pain to read. Yes I hurt still. I think the first few moths I was in shock and couldn't feel. Its been about 4 months since the exposure and Im just finally starting to grieve. I do know the Lord. In fact funny thing, I am a worship leader and associate Pastor and my spouse who has done this an associate Pastor. You think your immune from it, but now I see no one is.

Somebody just bumped this great thread on wayward minds: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218&fpart=1

Might help you to understand your WH a little better.

Here is a link to that article I mentioned earlier. I found this to be really helpful in my autopsy of the whole thing: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html

As for what you can do, keep reading here.

Thanks I'm going to read now

a couple of things:

when people here talk about exposure, they are not talking about how/when he exposed the A to you - they are talking about how you expose(d) the A to other people,who can help you to break up the A and recover your M. You will understand this process better as your read the book, SAA. also, anytime your WH says that he has all ready told someone the truth, you should not believe him. It is importnat that you expose the A yourself, in a well planned, thoughful manner. Not to spread gossip, or to gather hate around him, but something like this:
My H is involved in an adulterous R with a woman, who he currently lives with. This A has been extremely painful for the children and I. I love my H, and would like to be able to recover our M, but I can not do that as long as he continues in this adulterous A. I would appreciate your support as I fight for my H, and our M.

also, as you are discovering, your WH's actions are very typical, and many M's will still recover in spite of this activity. You mentioned the fact that he has been drinking more to cover his guilt, and when he drinks he wants to be with her. that made me think of something I once heard that helped me understand this pattern:
When someone is involved in something "bad" like this; drugs, drinking, adultery, etc.. They want to be around other people who are involved in the same stuff, to help them feel "normal". If your H were involved in crack, he would want to hang out with other crack addicts. that way he would feel like he wasn't doing anything unusal, because everyone else around him did the same stuff. In this situation, the guilt from his adultery is convicting him. And the guilt from his heavy drinking makes him feel bad. But when he is with OW - she is into the same yucky stuff, so it makes him feel "normal".

Your WH living with OW does not make your situation any worse. It is unfortunate - but it is not a "deal killer". Unfortunately it is very common these days. And even in situations where the WS claims that they are not living with the OP, they are still spending most evenings there. Your WH is getting a full dose of OW - that is a good thing. Later, when this A finally crashes and burns he will not look back and wonder "what if". he is getting the full dose of reality right not - and it is not pretty.

there is great hope for your M, but it will take time. Get a good plan, and stick to it.

do you think your WH may have had a hidden porn addiction???