Hi all, it is mlhb popping in. I do still lurk and post from time to time, and knew this would be the place to go with a real concern I have right now. First, I will say that selling my house and moving was the best decision I ever made. I have been able to put behind me all the drama of exh and exbf being in a new environment closer to family. It has been just awesome. I can truly say that a change of scenery has caused me to stop hating and to move on and for that I am thankful. Now,for those who do not know me, I will give as brief a background as I can: wh and I separated for good in 2005 after I found out about affair number...who knows what number.. with a young woman who used to work for me, and how was just married to one of the nicest guys in town. My kids were 8 at the time. From 2005 until the middle of 2006 he rarely saw the kids. He was too busy having fun in affair land and I would not allow the kids near her. He did bring them around her from time to time, made them lie to me about it, manipulated them,etc. Long story short, he tried to get custody of the kids in 2006 and I spanked his a** good in court. Especially since he had been recently arrested for, and plead guilty to, attacking me in front of the kids. He did not want to have to pay child support and just wanted to take from me the 2 things that mean more to me than anything. Probation was only going to offer him 2 weekends a month for visitation but dumb a** that I am, I offered him more than that and ended up giving him a pretty good deal visitation wise. (idiot idiot idiot). Once the custody agreement was signed, he went back to his old ways. Little by little the amount of time he spent with them got less and less as his life became more important. He lost the custody battle so what point was there?

2006 turned into 2007 and into 2008. My kids were hurt numerous times by ow and my exh. Manipulated, lied to, and verbally abused by their father. Hurt by ow and her words and actions. Disappointed too of course. Come spring of 2008 ow has been screwing around on my exh. Next thing I know she has thrown him out (which means she threw my kids out too) and his parents come to the rescue and buy him a house. Ow starts moving her things into the kids rooms there before they even move out! The last few weeks before my ex moves out, he has me keep the kids because it has become to unbearable there and he can't have the kids there. She moves on with her new bf and exh goes more into the literal drunken gutter. He starts giving up his time with the kids and just going out drinking. Gave up a whole week with them a few weeks ago. Totally disappointed my son.

Fast forward to last week and lo and behold, he is back with ow!
Now, I could care less what he does in his personal life, but leave my kids out of the dysfunction. They already feel betrayed by her, and they feel like their father has betrayed them as well by giving up his time with them. They are old enough to know that he does not make them a priority. Problem is, he now has them around her again. In fact, as I type this, he has my son at football practice, and my daughter is alone with her. He sees nothing wrong with this! Like we'll just forget about he fact she threw the kids out of her home, it's ok. I am FUMING right now.
Again, if he wants his life to be a train wreck , so be it, but why have the kids involved? He hardly sees them as it is, he doesn't have to have them around her.

My question is this: I have documented diligently that he has not followed our custody agreement, that he has given up voluntarily a lot of time with the kids, and now this with ow, not to mention that his work schedules for two jobs is not conducive to kids. Should I consult my attorney about having the custody agreement changed? I am very fearful about the mental health of my children right now. He has basically shown them that it is ok for ow to treat them how she wants, even throw them out, and that is ok. He sure doesn't have their back. That would be the day a man did that to me and I would have him back around my kids! I am also wondering at what age they can decide if they want to go over or not. My dd still cries about having to go over. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO HER DADS PERIOD. She cried like a baby last night knowing she had to go today. I don't want to make her go anymore. I think it is really affecting her.

I have not said a word to my ex yet. I do not want to be reactionary. I want to think through what I am going to do.

Any advice?

simply...YES!

And calm down...you let your temper cloud your judgement at times. Have a clear focus and leave the temper behind you...even though you have a right to be pissed.

oh, I agree that I do that medc. That is why I have not emailed him. I am sitting here breathing deeply and just trying to come up with a strategy. I am actually very proud of myself... the old me would have emailed him already ripping him a new one. But I did not. I thought it out and said to myself that I know no matter what I say, it will not make a difference, and it will fuel his desire to get to me. I will not give him that satisfaction. I am very proud of me for thinking it through!

On that note, yes, I am seriously considering a meeting with my attorney, maybe to even see about full custody. I think I have enough years worth of documentation for it.

bumping...

no one else has ANY thoughts or advice at all on how I should proceed???

mlhb

MLHB,
It seems like you have a good handle on what to do. Contact your lawyer and get the custody order modified. Do what you need to do to keep your kids out of harms way.

MEDC

Thank you medc for your thoughts.

I do plan to call my attorney today. He is on vaca for two weeks, this I know as he is handling some other matters for me right now like finalizing the divorce and doing the closing of the house I just sold...

But his assistant can make me an appointment.

mlhb

MEDC is right, you already know what you need to do.

Just need to follow thru.

It is just all so sickening, isn't it!

thank you tst...

I guess I just wanted that extra reassurance.

mlhb

I agree about getting custody. Your number one concern should be your kids' mental well-being, and he is raking them through the mud on this. They need to feel that they're the most special thing on earth to their parents; I know firsthand how screwed up you get when your father would rather find a woman for SF than spend time with you. So call the lawyer, and make sure you're doing a really good job documenting. Ask the lawyer what you need.

Also, have you found a good child psychologist for the kids? They need it by now. Do them that favor asap.

So are they living together again? At his new house?

He is not offering much stability to his kids. You have primary custody though, right? He just has visitation rights?

I would definitely challenge the custody and try to get sole custody, especially NOW that he's drinking, fighting with GF, exposing his kids to her wrath, his anger, his neglect, etc.

Go for it now while the wrongs are still fresh to show the court that you want to PREVENT further damage to your children because of their father's lifestyle.

cat: they have been in counseling, were for over a year.
I may have them go again though. My daughter suffers some serious issues with anxiety.

PM: no, they are not living together. She has her house that she bought and then threw him and my kids out of, he has his house that is actually his parents. They bought it for him to live in.

I have primary and he has visitation which he uses less and less of.

I agree with what all of you have said so far.

Thank you.